by Jay Quinn
Maura reached across the space between them and laid her hand on his bare shoulder. Consolingly she said, “I don’t think you’ve broken anything past fixing. Robin will come down, you’ll talk and work something out I’m sure. I just don’t want to see you bouncing off the walls like you were when you came home.”
Kai ignored her hand and looked away in the opposite direction. “I’m back to being properly doped, Mom. No matter what, I probably won’t be in too bad shape thanks to the miracles of modern pharmacology. I’ll just be medicated into not really caring, I guess.”
“Is that the way you feel now?” Maura asked solicitously. “Do you feel numb?”
“Sort of,” Kai admitted. “It’s better than hurting all the time, I guess. I just wish I could feel shit like normal people. I get sick of being crazy sometimes. Especially now. I’m always policing myself to make sure I’m acting appropriately. There’s nothing natural about how I am. I’m just here,” he concluded sadly.
Maura patted his shoulder awkwardly and started to say something encouraging, but Kai suddenly stood up and looked down at her before she could speak.
“It’s okay, Mom. Don’t worry about me or anything. I’m good. This is just some shit to get through. No matter what, I’ve made my mind up to focus on my work and getting my shit together down here. I was thinking, I need my own place, with a garage to keep my tools and shit in. I know I’m in the way around here with you and Matt and everything. Jeez, there’s going to be a baby too. I know I need to clear out so you can get the place ready for that. Just give me a little more time, okay?”
Maura nodded and said, “No one’s pushing you out the door but you. Settle down. Everything is going to fall into place, just wait and see. Who knows? You may be house hunting with Robin in a month’s time. Try to look at it like that, okay?”
Kai nodded and started away, but he hesitated and said, “Would you like some more Diet Coke or anything?”
“No, I’m good,” Maura told him. “Where are you off to?”
“I’m just going to make myself something to drink and get my cigarettes,” Kai told her as he started away once more.
Maura watched him enter the house and waited to sigh until after he had made it inside. She rattled the ice in her glass and took another sip of the now-watery Coke. She knew he was going to be okay. She just hated that his way had to be so fraught. But, there was nothing she could do about it. Her days of making sure every step he took, from here to there, was free and clear of obstacles was long gone. She understood there was nothing she could do about the obstacles he put in his own way. Still, she wondered and a small part of her still worried. Idly she hoped he would stay inside and wouldn’t rejoin her in the back yard. Her feet were finally starting to feel better and the evening sun made the air seem like pink-tinged gold. Selfishly, she wanted to be free of Kai’s anxieties while the sun set. Later she would feed him take-out Chinese food and find something else to talk about. For right now she just craved solitude.
Chapter Fourteen
THE MORNING’S meeting with the interior designer went well. Rachel Weiss had a small shop that held some nice accessories, a few select pieces of furniture and her fabric swatches. Between two rows of hanging swatch books stacked from ceiling to floor there was an antique French farm table with contemporary Knoll office chairs that rolled underneath its worn plank top. That’s where Kai sat with the designer and showed her his presentation piece. Rachel Weiss was a nice lady well into her sixties, who had the brisk manner of a no-nonsense business woman about her, but Kai could tell she had warmed to him personally. Like all of the business owners he’d met on the round of appointments he’d set up in the weeks since he’d been home, she had no immediate work for him, but she kept his portfolio piece and promised to call him the next time she needed custom cabinetry or trim work. Kai felt that she would; he just couldn’t help but wonder when.
He thought about this as he changed from the neat khaki slacks and polo shirt he’d worn for his meeting to a pair of old shorts and a plain white T-shirt in the master bath at Bill Kellogg’s house. He folded the dressy clothes and neatly tucked them into the paper shopping bag he’d packed his lunch and work clothes in. It was now ten-thirty and he had the final coat of varnish to apply to Bill Kellogg’s bookcases. Barefoot, he walked from the master bath past the walk-in closet and closed his eyes as he took the last steps into the master bedroom he’d converted into a library. Once he felt the cool, bare concrete floor under his naked feet, he opened his eyes and looked at his work.
A pleased smile broke over his face as he stood in the deeply toned room. The sunlight coming m through the bare window and French doors highlighted the sheen of the walls and of the bookcases that now marched across the walls. Except for the space under the window where Bill planned to place the loveseat, rows of shelves rhythmically lined every wall, even over the window and doors. Kai had first painted the popcorn ceiling with a clean, bright white, and then he’d covered the sage-colored walls with two coats of the deep blue high-gloss paint that Bill had selected. Before he began to cut and assemble the inexpensive pine shelving, he’d given the boards and trim work two coats of blue-tinted, thick primer that smoothed their imperfections.
The cutting of the wood into the trim upright components and shelves went smoothly. Kai had paid particular care to cutting the various stock moldings that defined the details of the shelving. Rather than simply banging the trim onto the assembled shelves with his nail gun, he’d glued and tacked and set the trim nails in by hand. With everything assembled, he’d caulked and spackled all the nail holes and tiny imperfections, like where the crown molding didn’t quite meet the crooked ceiling. Only when everything was perfectly smooth did he begin to lay on two coats of high-gloss enamel blue paint. Fortunately the weeks between his beginning the work and getting to this day had remained fair and warm. The paint had dried evenly and after two days, even the first coat of clear varnish had dried. The work was ready for its final coat of varnish.
Kai left off admiring his work and turned on his work radio to the jazz station he listened to all day and all night. In the weeks he’d been home, he’d become so familiar with its playlist and daily format that he could almost tell the time by which song was playing. Rather than becoming monotonous, the music kept him company as he did the concentrated handwork the job required. It also kept him distracted him from the complex thoughts that could plague him as his mind fit itself to the rhythms of the skill it took to do the work. Kai’s mind had always worked on various channels simultaneously. The thought it took to work to exact measurements and care it took as he operated dangerous power saws and a nail gun took up perhaps two channels. The ambient music took up a distracting third channel and on the fourth, he tried to think of only pleasant things.
Kai felt much better now that he was back on his meds. The Strattera helped with his concentration and the Risperdal kept his mind broadcasting only four or five channels of thought rather than a score at once. He could feel the Zoloft anchoring him like a taut rope from the abyss of despair he felt about his life in general, and the lorazepam kept the jitteriness at bay. All he had to do was look around the room he stood in to see that the orchestration of his brain chemicals was back in tune. It was a satisfying feeling to work long and well, alone in that room.
Now, he checked the surfaces of the shelves to make sure no dust had settled that might spoil the integrity of his work. With everything clean and ready, he stepped to the middle of the room and picked up the ladder and walked with it to the door from the hall. Once he was satisfied with its position, he walked back to the middle of the floor where he’d left his cleaned brush and gallon can of varnish. He eased the lid off with a screwdriver and gently stirred the contents with a clean piece of molding until he was satisfied that it looked right. Then, with great care, he took the gallon tin of varnish and his brush to the ladder, mounted it to reach the uppermost corner and began.
The new Chris Bo
tti song started on the radio as he dipped his brush and began work. Taking great care to avoid leaving any drips or visible brush strokes, he began to apply the varnish to the crown molding. It was only then, with the rhythm of the work begun, that he allowed himself to think about his phone call to Robin the night before. It had been one of those nights when he’d slept fitfully until three in the morning and then awakened with the full knowledge he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. He’d gone into his bathroom to relieve himself and then debated whether or not to make himself some coffee or just return to his room where Heidi slept on peacefully. Even as he considered his options, the thought of the brown bottle in his chest of drawers popped into his mind. It was now three weeks since he’d taken any pills from that bottle. The physical cravings were gone, but the psychological need hadn’t lessened one bit. Peace lay in that bottle. He knew it and he wanted it as badly as ever. But instead of giving in, he walked in the dark to the kitchen and made a short pot of coffee instead.
As Kai sat at the kitchen table waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, he lit a cigarette and stared out over the familiar view of the canal to the back of the house beyond. The waning moon was still bright enough to leave glimmers of silver on the inky canal. Staring at the moon’s rippling reflection on the water, his mind took him to the darkened kitchen of Robin’s house in Wrights Shores. He could wander that house unlit just as easily from his seat in his mother’s kitchen in Sunrise as he could if he were there. Only there, Robin slept, while he was awake no matter what.
He could imagine himself climbing the stairs to the loft where Robin’s big mattress and box springs sat on the floor under the sloping roof. He could feel the textures of Robin’s cheap Turkish prayer rugs under his feet as he walked from the stairs to the bed. He could see Robin curled on his side breathing the deep slow breaths of the dreamless.
Kai missed Robin with an ache that none of the drugs he took to keep himself sane seemed to touch. He felt a physical longing for him that made him actually hurt inside. It was like no other feeling he’d ever experienced. At first, it had been easy to dismiss. Then it had been easy to blame the feeling on withdrawal. Now, there were no excuses. Kai knew he was deeply in love with another man and there seemed to be no way to avoid it. Moving eight hundred miles away from Robin hadn’t cured him of it any more than quitting the painkillers cold turkey had. As the coffee’s steady stream into the glass carafe slowed to mere drips, Kai fought against the idea of what he knew he was about to do.
Finally, he gave up fighting. He stood from his seat and put his cigarette out with water from the tap before dropping it into the kitchen’s garbage can. He calmly made himself a cup of coffee, collected his cigarettes and lighter and returned to his room as quietly as he could. Once he was back inside with his door closed, he opened his blinds to let in the light from the streetlamp outside his bedroom window. He settled himself on the bed, his coffee and ashtray on the table next to his bed and reached for his cell phone. While he was waiting for it to power up, he lit a cigarette and took a sip of coffee. The smoke and hot liquid soothed him as he picked up his phone and punched in the digit to speed dial Robin.
The number rang only twice before Robin sleepily mumbled “Hello?”
“It’s me, baby,” Kai said softly. “I’m sorry I woke you up. I just needed to hear your voice right now, that’s all.”
“It’s… .” Kai could imagine Robin stretching to read the clock on the floor by the bed, “… three-seventeen, Kai. You can’t sleep can you?” Robin said, clearly becoming more awake by the second.
“No. I woke up at three, but I know it’s no good trying to go back to sleep. I made some coffee and while it was brewing, I had you on my mind. I miss you so much, Robin,” Kai whispered heavily into the phone.
Robin chuckled softly and said, “You just want to make sure I haven’t changed my mind about getting on that plane.”
“That’s part of it,” Kai said as softly as he could. He didn’t want to wake his mother or Matt, or rouse Heidi for that matter. She resented it when he talked on the phone and would whine at him until he either paid attention to her or took her outside. “I’ve been living for this visit for the past three weeks. It’s been really tough. I really want to be with you.”
“Are the meds helping?” Robin asked gently.
“With everything but missing you,” Kai replied honestly. “I’ve stayed clean, Robin. It’s been three weeks today.”
“I’m proud of you, Kai. I know that’s been tough, but tell me, are your meds helping you?” Robin insisted.
Kai sighed and mumbled, “Yeah. My moods are okay. I’ve been working. Everything’s alright, I just re ally miss you, you know?”
“I miss you too, Kai. It seems like you should be here with me right now, not down there. What are we going to do about this mess?” Robin asked. Kai could hear the emptiness in his voice. “I don’t know if coming down there is such a great idea. I can’t get used to missing you, but I don’t know what good coming to visit is going to do.”
“It’ll be all good. Baby, I swear,” Kai pleaded. “I want to touch you so much. I want to be with you. “
“Don’t get me started,” Robin said hungrily. “Or did you call me so we could talk dirty while you beat off?”
“No!” Kai answered in his normal speaking voice. In the dark room, with the light coming in from the streetlight outside, it seemed like a scream. After a moment, he lowered his voice and said, “That’s not what this is about and you know it, Robin. I’m fucking hurting here.”
After a pause, Robin said, “No. I know it’s not just about the sex. I’m hurting too. Do you think I haven’t been counting the days until you and I are looking at each other again? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“You’re coming here to be with me,” Kai said firmly. “While you’re here, there’re things we have to talk about. Things we have to discuss about the future. I can’t see my life without you in it. I mean full on, all the time. Since I got back on my meds, I’ve been thinking straight for the first time since… since…”
“Since you met me,” Robin said candidly. “You and I, we were living a dream this time last year. Now I don’t know… have you woken up?”
“I don’t want to wake up anymore if you’re not there,” Kai said honestly. “It’s not a dream. What we have is real. If it wasn’t we wouldn’t be talking this way in the middle of the night, would we?”
“No,” Robin replied sadly. “No, we wouldn’t. I’m on my way to you. I’ll be there, and we’ll talk seriously, okay?”
“Yes, we will. One way or another, we’re going to work this out, Robin,” Kai said firmly.
“Okay, let me go now.” Robin said. “We both have to work tomorrow. Try to get some sleep okay?”
“Okay,” Kai said gently in reply. “I love you, okay?”
“I know. I love you back,” Robin said. “We’ll talk again before Sunday. I promise.”
“Go back to sleep, baby” Kai said softly. “I love you,” he said once more before pressing his thumb on the off button. He sighed and looked at the little screen on his cell phone to make sure he’d terminated the call. Satisfied he had, Kai closed his phone and laid it back on the table by his bed. He took a final hit off the cigarette he had burning and stubbed it out before taking another sip of his coffee. Then he sat replaying the conversation he’d just had with Robin over and over in his mind, trying to memorize its nuances in tone and content.
He had finally fallen asleep again at about five only to have the alarm wake him at six-thirty.
Now, as he layered the last coat of varnish over his work he thought over the old deliberations in his head when he’d argued against admitting he was gay. In the twelve years since he’d had his first sexual experience with another boy, he’d gone from being frightened of what the fact of his attractions meant to trying to live two kinds of lives to finally admitting he was gay. By his own reasoning, the limitless need he
felt for Robin meant he was gay, and he was simply tired of fighting the idea of it any more. In the years he’d lived on the Outer Banks, he’d been frightened of being known as gay. He was afraid of being ostracized by the groups of friends and co-workers that had filled his world. Now, distanced from that whole scene, he realized how little those other people mattered.
Since he’d left Robin and the beach to move back to Sunrise and the security of his mother’s house, he had thought about being gay night and day. What he had discovered in all his racing or rambling thoughts was the fact that he wasn’t any different for admitting to himself that he was gay. No big tone of doom had echoed in his head when he’d admitted it to himself; in fact, he had felt relieved. In being cut off from Robin and all the love and companionship he provided, Kai realized he couldn’t step back into his childhood anymore; he had out grown it. Kai realized life inexorably moved on and he was standing still. Everything had changed. His mother’s house had even changed in her own relentless drive to make things over and keep her life in flow as opposed to being static and unresolved.
Kai wasn’t so deluded that he couldn’t see the destruction he’d brought on himself by refusing to confront a central reality of his life. In the past three weeks, he’d given up fighting it. What he wanted more than anything else was a life that held some love, the kind of love Robin embodied. He was tired of being alone all the time, isolated from a kind of happiness that seemed so available to other people that he had never been able to grasp.
When he’d come back to Sunrise and found his mother so happy and so involved with Matt Jenkins, it had thrown him for a loop. All of his life, his mother had seemed so strong and so single. He had always taken it for granted that she was still in love with his father and that one day Rhett would come to his senses and get her back. It was something he’d taken as fact ever since he could perceive his parents as people. Then, he’d reappeared in South Florida a month ago and found his mother busily moving on with her own life, deeply committed to another man. While his mother had remained single for so many years, he had been able to see himself as single as well, a lone wolf who could always come home again. He’d walked instead into the very real fact that he needed to make his own home.
