by Jay Quinn
When the coffeemaker beeped, she rose slowly and made a cup of coffee. She really was pleased to be pregnant once more. It seemed less like she was being sentenced to decades more responsibility than she was continuing with something she enjoyed. Her circumstances this time were certainly different. Importantly, there were financial resources now that there weren’t when Kai was born. The teeth-gritting effort it took to keep the rent paid, the house warm, and food on the table wasn’t as onerous as it had been then. Also, the nagging self-doubt inherent in doing it all for the first time was gone. Maura knew she wouldn’t be constantly asking herself if every little thing she did was right this time. No. This time around, she was relaxed and happy.
She was still concerned the baby would be another manic-depressive. For as long as she lived, she would feel the responsibility for Kai’s challenges the way she did. Superstitiously, she had wracked her brain thinking of things she’d done before she got pregnant with Kai that she wasn’t repeating with this baby. For one, she wasn’t getting high. When she was twenty-two, she was no stranger to Rhett’s bong. While she might be fifty she was not a pot head at this point in her life. In fact, since she’d learned she was pregnant this time, she’d carefully cut out drinking, smoking, caffeinated beverages and avoided anything she felt vaguely could be tainted chemically. She’d slipped up a few times, smoking, having a drink, drinking a Coke, eating commercially produced chicken, but she felt she was doing a good job trying to cut out any external things that might affect her Junebug.
What nagged her, when she allowed herself to think about it, was the mysterious, unseen thread of DNA that held the chemical code for bipoloar disorder. She visualized herself, her fingers tangled in an endless multi-colored skein of chemical coding searching for the tiny single knot that held the aberrant node. She pictured herself plucking it out and flicking it away as easily as she might find and get rid of a flea on Heidi’s back.
Maura sipped her coffee and played that image in her mind ritualistically. Holding her coffee mug clasped in her hands before her face, she stared out the bay window of the kitchen and said firmly “Junebug, you’re going to be a happy little boy. The world for you is going to be bright and fascinating. Every day, you’re going to look at only blue skies and bowing daffodils in a warm breeze. You’re going to get so much pleasure from being here with me and your daddy. You’re going to laugh and laugh and laugh. I promise you, Mama swears to you, you’re going to be so happy.”
She concentrated on her message and internalized it. She willed it to zing along in her blood vessels and infuse her unborn infant with soft colors and soothing sensations. She could almost feel her positivity and conviction nourishing him inside, suffusing him with peace just as the warm coffee stole into the cold self-doubt she had hidden in a knot in her stomach. She wanted this baby to be free of Kai’s torments and she willed it so, viscerally.
“Maura?” came Matt’s voice, reaching her even as his hands grasped her shoulders and gently pulled her back from her reverie. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.
Maura set her coffee mug on the table and tilted her head back to look up into her baby’s daddy’s face. She smiled and said, “I’m fine. I’m having a silent conversation with our baby.”
Matt leaned down to find her lips for a quick kiss. “You were really zoned. You didn’t even hear me come in.”
“Yeah,” Maura admitted distractedly. She didn’t want Matt to know of her intent or concern for the baby. It was something he couldn’t understand. “How was your day?” She asked.
“Good, good,” Matt said as he slumped into his chair at the table. “You must have gotten home early. Something smells terrific.”
Maura smiled and told him, “Bill let all of us go at three. He does that before every holiday. He always has.”
“I used to do it too,” Matt said. “But now I have to answer to corporate. I’m just one more division president since I sold the company. And, corporate doesn’t believe in letting staff off early unless there’s a hurricane.”
“Not your fault, then,” Maura said. “You look tired.”
Matt ran his hand over his face and sighed. “I am tired. I’m glad we have tomorrow off. I plan on sleeping until the parade comes on. Then you and I will curl up in the living room with our coffee and watch the balloons come to Macy’s.”
“Sounds good to me,” Maura told him. “I’m glad Kai’s in charge of the big dinner. I’m looking forward to simply showing up and eating like a hog.”
“Have you talked to him?” Matt asked casually.
“Not today,” Maura said. “We spoke briefly yesterday afternoon. Everything seems to be going well over there. He sounded good.”
“No word yet on whether or not he’s popped the big question?” Matt asked with a smile.
Maura shook her head. “He didn’t say. It’s kind of maddening isn’t it? I’m afraid I’ve bought in totally to this notion that everything will be fine with him if Robin just moves down.”
“You and me both,” Matt said and sighed. “It’s our own little soap opera. I’m not used to being so involved with another guy’s love life.”
Maura laughed and reached to pat Matt’s hand. “That’s because your daughters haven’t gotten started yet. You forget, romance rules their world for years. Finding Mr. Right…”
“Keeping Mr. Right is the hard part,” Matt said wryly. “Well, I guess we’ll find out everything tomorrow, won’t we?”
“I’ll know when Kai answers the door,” Maura said. “All I have to do is look at him. I can read his emotional temperature like a thermometer.”
“That’s a mother thing,” Matt said and rolled his eyes. “My mother can do it too. She can take one look at me and know exactly what’s going on in my mind. My dad doesn’t have a clue unless I tell him.”
“It’s comes along with the uterus,” Maura said and laughed.
“Evidently,” Matt said as he looked Maura over carefully. “How are you doing? Are you feeling alright?”
“Yes. Fine,” Maura told him. “I was nauseated again this morning, but it passes quickly. The truth is, I feel great. Why? Do I seem out of sorts?”
“No, not at all,” Matt answered quickly. “I just have to keep an eye on you is all. After all, you’re carrying a pretty special cargo in there.”
“I’m good, Matt,” Maura assured him. “Would you like some coffee? It’s decaf, but it’s fresh. Or I could pour you a glass of wine.
Matt thought a moment as he regarded the coffeepot. Finally he stood and said, “I can pour myself a glass of wine. You sit tight.”
Maura watched him as he made his drink, enjoying his strong economical movements. She enjoyed knowing he was hers. There was a definite pride of ownership in her view of the relationship. As he returned to the table and sat down, she said, “You’re a good-looking man, you know that?”
Matt looked at her and raised his eyebrows questioningly. “What brought that on?” he asked before he took a sip of his wine.
Maura shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I just felt like saying it. It’s true. I think we’re going to make a handsome baby.”
“You have a pretty good track record,” Matt said easily. “Kai’s a nice-looking guy. Tall. I never really thought about my having any influence over what the kid would look like.”
“That’s because your ex-wife is Latma and you’re fair,” Maura said reasonably. “The girls look more like their mother. You and I are Anglos. There’s every reason in the world to believe the baby could take after you than me. Look at Kai. He has his father’s build, hair, and eyes. The only thing he got from me was his height. My side of the family is tall.”
Matt nodded and seemed to ponder the idea for several moments. Finally, he looked at Maura and smiled. “I hope our little boy is all you. You may think I’m nice looking, but I think I’m just average. If he looks like you, he’ll be a handsome boy. Life is easier for nice looking people, I think.”
“Oh I don’t know about that,” Maura said sagely. “I just want him to be happy and good natured. I’m just concerned that he’ll—”
“Maura don’t worry about that,” Matt interrupted. “I know what you’re getting at. Our baby’s going to be fine. There’s no problem with any depression on my side of the family. We’re just a bunch of boringly good-natured English peasants. Our baby will be healthy, happy, and wise.”
Maura smiled in reply and stood slowly. “I think my pies must be about ready to take out. I can’t believe the timer hasn’t gone off yet.”
“They smell delicious, Maura,” Matt said hungrily. “What do you want to do about dinner tonight?”
The timer on the stove went off before Maura could answer. She picked up two clean dish towels and opened the door to take the pies out. As the blast of hot air rushed past her face, Maura breathed in the rich scent of her handiwork. The pies had browned nicely. As she set them on the cooling rack, she felt a rush of happiness overtake her as certainly as the oven’s blast had. It felt very good to be standing in her kitchen with her baby’s daddy settled nearby and her son presumably happy a few miles away. She turned to Matt with a smile and said, “To tell you the truth, there are three pies here and I’d be perfectly happy with a slice of pie and a cold glass of milk. Did you have lunch?”
“Actually, I had a big lunch,” Matt admitted. “I’d be satisfied with a sandwich a little later and a piece of pie, if you’re going to cut it.”
Maura smiled as she refilled her coffee mug with fresh coffee from the pot. “God, you’re so easy.”
Matt watched her as she sat back down at the table and took a sip of her coffee. “So are you, sweetheart. You’re so easy to live with. It’s taken me some getting used to.”
Maura gave him a meaningful look and said, “Sometimes it takes half a lifetime to find Mr. Right. That’s something you can tell your girls.”
Matt nodded and sipped his wine.
“Oh! I forgot to tell you,” Maura said suddenly.
“Tell me what?” Matt said carefully.
“I invited Bill Kellogg to share our Thanksgiving dinner. He was going to spend it alone with a grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of scotch.”
Matt grimaced involuntarily and said, “God, that’s bleak. I remember spending Thanksgiving alone when my wife and I separated. I took the boat out and tried to make myself happy by fishing and drinking beer. It didn’t work. Did Bill say he’d come?”
“Yes,” Maura said. “I hope you don’t mind that I asked him. I know it’s spur of the moment. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him alone this year. It’s so soon after his partner’s death.”
“No, it’s perfectly all right,” Mat said quickly. “You did the right thing. I’m glad you invited him. I’ve always liked him, even before I met you, though I didn’t know him all that well.”
“He’s been a great boss and a good friend over the years,” Maura said. “He was really supportive, and being a single mother I needed all the support I could get, believe me.”
“Have you told Kai he’s coming?” Matt asked.
“Not yet,” Maura said. “I guess I should call him. I know there’ll be enough food. I’m pretty sure he won’t mind. He seems to like Bill.”
“Yeah, but this is also the first time we’ll all be meeting Kai’s boyfriend,” Matt pointed out needlessly. “Don’t you think that’s stressful enough?”
“I don’t see anything stressful about inviting a holiday orphan to the feast,” Maura said. “Besides, I’m glad Bill’s going to be there. That way, if things are uncomfortable with Robin, there will be every reason to be polite around company.”
“Do you think things will be uncomfortable around Robin, Maura?” Matt asked carefully.
“Not on my part,” Maura said automatically. Then she paused before saying, “I don’t know, honestly. Maybe I subconsciously want a buffer of some kind, just in case.”
Matt nodded agreeably. “Maybe. It will give us all somebody else to talk to if the conversation lags or something. Anyway, just relax. Bill’s coming and we’re going to meet Robin regardless. Everything’s going to be fine.”
Maura sighed and said, “You’re right. I suppose I should call Kai and let him know.”
“Definitely,” Matt said.
“I’ll call him after I finish this cup of coffee,” Maura promised. In truth, she wanted to savor her time alone with Matt in the sweet scent of her kitchen a little longer. The day had been so good so far, she didn’t want a sour note to intrude on it. She smiled, sipped her coffee, and wondered about what the following day would bring.
In Maura’s fondest hopes, Robin would prove to be charming and someone she could have a warm relationship with. She’d never given much thought to the possibility of Kai’s mate. She had not had the best of relationships with Rhett’s parents. His mother was not an easy woman to know. She was distant and unyielding to any of the effort Maura put forth to win her over. Maura hoped she wouldn’t give Robin that kind of impression of her. She hoped he’d be friendly maybe even the type of person she could meet for lunch now and again.
However, at this point she admitted her hopes were premature. She didn’t know whether Robin was here only for a longish farewell, or if he was here for a shorter hello before moving down to South Florida and into all of their lives. She sipped her coffee and unwittingly crossed her fingers under the table. Then she stood and walked to the counter for the phone. Most of her answers were a phone call away.
Chapter Twenty
THE CLOCK IN THE stereo by the bed refused to click off more than a couple of minutes at a time, No matter how many times Kai closed his eyes and willed himself back to sleep, his mind would not turn off. Over and over again, he was plagued by the amount of money he had spent on art supplies, groceries, and wine in the past two weeks. He had spent over a thousand dollars from his precious savings on his little manic creative outburst, producing and framing eleven canvases in ten days. Of course, that was the form the demons took. The actual things that were tormenting him had more to do with the decisions he’d made regarding the house he was in, and the boy-man who lay sleeping by his side. The clock read three-twenty-three when he’d been trying to sleep for an hour and a half. Defeated, he sat up and looked over his shoulder at the bed.
Heidi lay curled into a warm doughnut of grey fur at the lower end of the mattress. Robin lay on his side with his shins against Heidi’s soft back. He slept on peacefully, unaware of the turmoil that had disturbed Kai’s rest. Kai fought the urge he felt to kiss him tenderly. He resisted this spontaneous affection because he wanted to remain alone in the night. Kai’s dark three A.M. desert was calling him and he felt more comfortable in it by himself.
Kai stood and walked quietly to the dresser, debating plundering it for the comfort he knew it held. He really didn’t want Robin to know he had slipped back into the brown bottle. So much rested on him staying strong and stable in Robin’s eyes just now, but he wanted a pill badly. He glanced back at the bed, peering through the darkness to see if Robin had surfaced from his own sleep, but he lay still, his lips parted, his breathing light and slow. Satisfied, Kai slid the drawer open gently, cursing the sound of the wood as it moved against wood. He opened the drawer just enough to snake his hand and wrist inside to clutch the bottle hidden under layers of boxer shorts. Once he had it in his grasp, he took it out and slid the drawer home slowly. Robin slept on. Heidi did, too.
Kai palmed the bottle and left the bedroom to pad softly down the hall to the kitchen. Naked, he had no place to hide the bottle save in the flat of his hand, so he stood in the dark at the sink under the window to open the bottle and extract a lovely blue pill. Once he’d chewed and swallowed it, he opened the cabinet by the sink and hid the bottle high on a shelf he was tall enough to reach comfortably, but too high for Robin to reach. Only after he was satisfied that the bottle was out of sight did he turn on the lights under the cabinets and start a pot of coffee.
Taking his cigarettes and lighter to the kitchen table, he sat and lit one shakily as he looked out over the lawn to the dark water beyond. His eyes were gritty and the smoke from his cigarette burned them. He felt tears well in his eyes, but he rubbed them away. He was scared to let tears start. If they did, he was frightened he wouldn’t be able to stop crying. At that moment, alone, naked and vulnerable in the dark, he was no longer a lanky twenty-seven year old with ropy muscles in his arms and calves. He was a scared and vulnerable six year old, scrawny and tired, so very tired, yet electrically awake in the night.
Though this was a new kitchen and a new view out the window, the interior landscape of Kai’s mind was very familiar. He knew this place well. It was a plain without pity. He wiped his eyes once more and sat up straight in his chair. Soon, the pill would kick in and he’d be okay. He would be able to reach the other side of this dark place in the night. Kai forced himself to take regular breaths between hits on his cigarette and slowly he calmed a bit. By the time the coffeemaker beeped, he felt the panic begin to melt like fog in bright sunlight. He stood and strode back to the counter to make his coffee, concentrating every movement as though it was a lifeline back to sense and sanity. The familiar collection of activities settled him somewhat as he tore open the Splenda packet and emptied it into his mug, poured the coffee, and added the cream. The tiny ringing sound his spoon made against the side of the mug centered him and by the time he returned to the table, he was breathing normally once more.
As he sat and smoked in the dim kitchen, he reminded himself of all of the good things that were going to happen as the day drew on. There were the turkey and vegetables to be cooked. Wine to be chilled, and a table to be set—those were normal activities free of pain or fear. As the painkiller eased into his blood stream, urged on by the soothing coffee and nicotine, he grew comfortable and sighed with obvious ease. At last, he started to believe everything would be okay. As his buzz pulled him along, his jaw unclenched and he began to smile. His relief was amplified by the amount of time that passed since he’d been in the brown bottle. At last, he felt safe. At last the demon voices stilled and the jazz station he’d turned on out of habit after he flicked on the lights began to sing in his mind. He felt the high sustained notes of the saxophone like fingers dragging slowly across his skin, and the beat of the bass and drums became a secondary, soothing heartbeat.
