by Jolene Perry
“I’m not saying I know what you’ve been through. Not sure your shoes would fit, but what I am saying—” He rubs his long beard. “I’m here. You ever want to talk, scream, whatever. I’m here.”
He doesn’t have to offer that. I’m not Gramps’s responsibility like I’m Gary’s. My mouth opens. Closes. I should want to tell him I’ll never need to talk. That I’m fine. The urge to thank him ghosts through me as well. It’s strange because I sort of want to talk to him, but I’m not even sure what about. There’s no reason. I wasn’t in a war, never been through something really bad. I’m just me.
Amazingly, Gramps seems to know I’m not ready. He stands back up and claps his hand down on my shoulder. “I know about that damn band of yours, too. Think you’re so tricky, but no one gets anything past me. Now get your butt back over here and help me finish before that hockey game starts.”
Panic squeezes me for a second, but then…just lets go. I trust him. Really trust him. Without a word, I do what he says.
…
The arena is packed with people squeezed in so tight I can hardly breathe. Christ, I’m not even on stage, the crowd isn’t even for me, and it still makes me want to lose my shit.
This is pretty cool, though. I’ve never been to a hockey game before, so I try to focus on the ice and not the people screaming around me. Try not to hear them chanting my name when I know they’re not.
When the players come out, I try and figure out which one is Penny. Gramps sits between me and Penny’s mom and points Penny out to me right before they toss the puck and all hell breaks loose.
No joke. All. Hell.
People are flying around the ice, pushing and shoving at each other. I’ve watched hockey on TV, but it’s nothing compared to seeing it in real life. They slam so hard that the plastic vibrates. I kind of want to jump out there and remind them there’s a girl out there with them, but then I think about Penny and know if I did that, she’d be going after me with her hockey stick.
She’s no joke, either. She can take these guys. They should be the ones who are scared.
So instead of making a fool out of myself by busting out on the ice, I pull my hat lower on my head, hoping it’ll help make it so no one recognizes me. Penny gets shoved over, hits the wall and after falling on her stomach, doesn’t even pause before getting up. Four minutes into the game, she gets put in the penalty box, and Gramps stands up and yells, “That’s my girl!”
She’s fast. Faster than any of the guys out there. It’s awesome.
I forget about the crowd, pills, Mom, Don, Gary, the band, Maryanne, and everything else. There’s no room for anything else in my head right now. I don’t want anything else there. I just stand here and watch her fly.
Chapter Ten
PENNY
We win 2-1, and the crowd goes insane as we skate toward the exit. One of those goals was mine in the first, just after I was let out of the box. The other was Mitch’s in the second. Those Barrow kids were out for blood. I’m going to hurt tomorrow. It’s a good thing we have a couple weeks before state.
The guys are still smacking each other, and I rip off my helmet so I can breathe. My hair sticks to my face and neck. I’m hot and need out of my gear, but people press in close. I’m shaking hands and nodding and smiling like I might actually be absorbing some of what people are yelling over the noise of the crowd.
“Lucky Penny!” Chomps kisses the back of my sweaty head and half the team follows suit.
Matt deserves some high-fives as well. He kicked ass tonight.
I turn to see Mom and Gramps making their way through the crowd of tightly packed people, and my high slows.
“Mom. You’re in scrubs?” I ask. “Are you ever not working?”
It shouldn’t matter, I’ll be going out with the guys tonight anyway, but still.
She pulls her mouth into a small frown. “I’m sorry, but I’ll be home tomorrow, and I should be awake in the afternoon.”
I’m straining to hear her over the noise. “Okay.”
Mom glances behind her again, but there are people everywhere.
“Nice job, Penny.” A guy reaches around Mom to shake my hand.
“Yeah, thanks. Ben, right?” I think I remember this guy as someone Mom and Dad went to high school with or something. He starts to speak, but there are voices shouting and music playing over the loudspeakers, and it’s all too much.
Mitch grabs my waist, pulling me backward, and I scream in surprise. In seconds, I’m also pushing off Matt and Chomps and half the team as I head for our bench and my skate guards.
“We’ll see you at home! Love you!” Mom calls as I’m buried in guy smell, hockey gloves, and sweaty gear.
I slide on my guards when I see Bishop looking a bit wide-eyed and twitchy off the side of the rink. I get two more slaps on the back as I head to the corner Bishop’s in. Only there’s still a sea of people in here all telling me congrats, and I’m starting to feel like I just need to get to him.
“What’s up?” I ask, when I finally make it to where he’s half-plastered against the wall, knowing something big is definitely going on.
“I need air. I mean out. Air.” He gestures with his hand and won’t look at me.
“Uh…I need a shower,” I tease, but he doesn’t react, so maybe this is not a teasing kind of thing.
He looks all amped up on something. His eyes won’t focus on anything, and he can’t stand still. “It’s cool. I’ll…” But it’s obviously not cool.
“Let’s get out of here.” I take his hand in mine, and he squeezes me with a death grip. I’d never tell him that, of course.
“Yeah. Thanks.” He hardly gets the words out.
I lead him out the back door. The first thing he does after relinquishing my hand is light a cigarette with shaky fingers. I nearly try to hug him to see if it helps, only Bishop and I don’t touch that way. I have no idea what to do.
We walk in silence toward my truck, where it’s parked in employee of the month parking because I know Rick, and he’s almost always employee of the month and doesn’t mind.
Bishop drops his half-smoked cigarette in the snow, gets in the passenger’s side, jerks off his hat, and immediately slumps in the seat with his eyes closed.
Holding onto the open door, I wait for him to say something. He’s starting to freak me out a bit. “Are you okay? You’re not going to hurl in my car, are you?”
“Shit. I just needed out. Air. Crowds.” He does this weird breathing thing. In. Out. In. Out.
I still want to touch him, but I’m afraid to. I reach in like three times until I remember what works for me. “Punch something. That breathing shit never works.”
He shakes his head like he’s trying but still doesn’t look at me. “Damn…You’re something else.”
A few random shouts and the sound of car engines starting swirl around us. Neither of us speaks for long enough that it’s starting to get weird, and I get this need to break the silence.
“Crowds freak you out?” I ask slowly.
“I’d rather not use the words ‘freak out.’” His eyes close again, and his hands tremble in his lap.
It’s awkward to stand in all my gear, but I also can’t leave him. “Is this where you tell me who you are? Why you’re up here renting out all the cabins even though they’d be empty anyway?”
He lets out another desperate sounding chuckle. “No.”
“I’m going to shower so I don’t stink up the truck. Oh! These were dropped off at my school. They’re from Pat.” I dig in the side pocket of the passenger door for the drumsticks and hand them over.
Bishop takes them and immediately starts twirling the sticks, still with his eyes closed and still with the weird breathing. “Nice of him.”
“I think he has a crush on you,” I tease.
“He’s cool to talk to. We’re both into music.”
They talk?
He spins the sticks a few more times before blinking and then closing his
eyes again like he’s not ready to see the world. “You were wild out there, Penny. Fuck, that’s crazy, you know?”
The high from my game slams into me again, and with it comes the thought that he gets it. Or is maybe trying to. “It’s why I love it.”
He nods and keeps twirling, eyes still closed, breathing still regulated, and starts beating soft rhythms on my dash. At least he knows better than to slam those things onto Bitty.
Finally, after what feels like forever, he looks at me. “I get it…why you wanna play here and why you want to be on a guys’ team. You’re good.” And then he quickly turns away as though he said too much while I’m dying inside. He gets it. This guy who barely knows me gets it when no one else does. I don’t know what to say.
“Give me ten minutes to shower and get my gear. K?”
He stares at his drumsticks, letting out another slow breath and attempting a smile that looks more like a grimace, but at least he’s trying. “Want any help with that?”
I get a flash of what it would be like to have him helping me. His fingers on the skin of my shoulder, and his dark eyes staring into me the way they did the night I sat in the hot tub and he told me I could do anything. There’s a tension and a want in the nerves that course through me at my over-active imagination that I don’t know how to deal with. My cheeks flush before I can find words. “You must be feeling better.”
His eyes finally meet mine, and vulnerable Bishop is back. The one who makes my legs go weak. “Thanks.”
I have to exit the situation because it’s suddenly so intense I don’t know what to do. Having a guy crush on me is one thing. Having him get me and my decisions is something else entirely. This wasn’t part of my plan. “See you in ten.”
…
Since dropping Bishop off at his cabin, I’ve done nothing but try to redirect my thoughts with the help of some ridiculously loud music. I don’t want to be thrown off by someone I just met. I know what I want. I want the future I’ve always relied on, and some of that future depends on a guy at this party, not a guy I don’t know. By the time I pull into Matt’s, my head is relatively clear, and I’m finally ready to celebrate instead of over-thinking about someone I shouldn’t.
I find Mitch, and my stomach starts twisting with a sense of urgency that hits me hard. I have to do something. Say something. We graduate in a few months. He’ll leave for college. It looks like I might leave for college. My heart hits harder with each thought. With how my future suddenly feels so uncertain.
He’s rehashing some part of the game, but his words get lost in my thoughts and the pounding music.
“And then this girl.” He grabs me from the side and hugs me to him, kissing my forehead. Chalk one more action up to confusing. “Made that insane goal in the first—” His voice fades out as I breathe him in, only…Only it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Not tingly and exciting.
When Mitch’s hand drops from around my shoulders, he hands me the bag of keys. He knows the drill—he got here first, so he picked up keys. Routine. Safety.
“Thanks,” I say blinking stupidly at the mesh sack in my hand.
The guys keep going over plays, which I normally love but I’m still staring at the bag of keys like I know something’s different, even though I can’t put my finger on it yet.
“Holy shit! Becca! How’d you get out?” Mitch sprints to the front door, leaping over the couch on his way, and scoops her off the floor.
He walked away from me without a second glance and is now looking at her like…like…like I know he’ll never look at me. It feels as if someone punched me in the gut because it seems official now. He’s left me for her. And I guess…I don’t even know what to think about it because it feels both easier and shittier than I expected. But maybe that’s the point. I expected. I’m not even sure why this is different from yesterday when he held her or the day before. If it has something to do with me, or with them, or maybe it has to do with the fact that Mitch’s future is looking more solid all the time, and I’m not sure how much a part of it I’ll be. That’s the part that’s sucking the air from my lungs and feels so horribly unexpected.
“What’s that face?” Chomps pushes my shoulder.
“Just need some air. I don’t think everyone in here actually showered,” I try to tease, but my voice comes out weird.
The cold air tingles on my skin as I step onto the porch, and the voices and music lower to a steady, unrecognizable hum. Before thinking, I go to the cooler on the porch and grab a beer for something to do. No ice in here. At these temps, it’s more a problem of them all freezing. Sort of funny that we use coolers in the winter to keep stuff warm. I’m pathetically trying to distract myself from the gnawing at my insides over…what…change? No, not change. Confusion. It’s confusion and not knowing what to expect about anything, which is stupid. Whatever’s happening or not happening between Mitch and me isn’t everything. It’s one thing. It’s just that Mitch was one of the few things that I thought I’d always be able to count on.
My gaze goes to the window again where I expect to see Mitch and Rebecca in some corner, trying to eat the other’s faces, but instead they’re dancing. Slow and awkward because Mitch wouldn’t know how to dance any other way, but he’s holding her like she’s everything. Eyes closed, knowing the team’s going to give him shit for it later. There’s an odd sort of detached realization that I don’t want to be standing in Becca’s place, but also that I don’t want to be ignored by my best friend. I have no idea how to reconcile my feelings yet. How to really want one without the other.
I slide my fingers over the tab on the top of the beer, but all I can think about is Dad. How I lost him because some stupid asshole wanted to get wasted at a party. My hands feel shaky as I set the beer in the cooler and push my way back inside.
I shove the keys at Trinna and Chomps. “I have to go.”
“What?” Matt grabs me in a sideways hug. “You just got here!”
“Yeah. I know.” I glance toward Mitch again. He doesn’t even see that I’m leaving. That I’m upset. The guy who answers my texts the second I hit send probably won’t know I left. I shove Matt off and head for the door, needing out. Home.
…
My chest sinks when I pull into the driveway, and Mom’s car isn’t here. Again. I feel even stupider because I knew she was working when she showed up to the game in scrubs.
I keep trying to pull in a full, real breath. Like air will somehow stop all the mess inside me.
It doesn’t, but it does slow it down.
I’ll say goodnight to Gramps and then crawl into bed. I can do this.
As I get closer to the house, I hear my music playing instead of Gramps’s country music. That’s…odd. Since when does he like rock?
The lights in Gramps’s trailer are on, but the door’s open, so I don’t think he’s in there. I jog up the stairs, and panic seizes my chest. Gramps is dancing without a piece of clothing on. His droopy butt cheeks wiggle with each move, and I’m just thankful his back’s to me. This is new. And definitely not good.
What am I supposed to do? My body starts to go numb because I realize this is all going to be my responsibility. The reality of this situation grips at my chest, and all I can think is please don’t let him remember this.
I fumble with my phone as I pull it from my pocket and dial Mom. Her voicemail picks up. No. No. No!
It actually hurts to even type the words. GRMPS DNCING NAKED. WHAT DO I DO?
My phone buzzes in a call.
“Mom?”
“I’m so sorry, honey. I’m one of two nurses in labor and delivery, and we have two women in here. There’s no way I can leave. Not right now. Try to get him to take a sleeping pill, cover him up, and I’ll get home as soon as I can…” I hear muffled sounds in the background before Mom comes back on. “Hold on a sec.”
“Um…” I don’t want to try to give my naked Gramps a sleeping pill. I keep Mom on but go to Messages on my phone.
; I send Mitch a quick, desperate text because I don’t want to do this alone. NEED HELP W GRMPS. PLSE COME.
I choke as another sob tries to work its way up. I have to be stronger than this.
“I’m back,” Mom says. “Let me call someone to help, okay?” Guilt is all over her voice.
“No, no. It’s cool,” I lie. “I can do it. Mitch will come.”
“Penny, honey. Really. I’m so sorry.” Mom pulls in a breath and starts talking again, but Gramps spins to face me, his eyes as big as his smile.
“Lucky Penny! How are you?”
“Gotta go, Mom.” I stuff my phone in pocket, my insides shaking again, and try to find something in me that can deal with this. And to not look down too far.
Still no text back from Mitch.
Now what?
Chapter Eleven
BISHOP
I’m officially a loser.
What kind of guy loses it at a hockey game and can’t even hang out afterward? But I knew going to the party wouldn’t have been a good idea. Gary would have freaked out.
Penny’s truck pulls in front of her house, and she runs inside. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something pulling me to her house. It was cool of her to try to get me to hang out with them, and the way she tried to help when I lost it. Gramps would expect more of me, bailing the way I did again, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s keeping my secrets and well—shit, I want to see her. I’m lonely, so fucking lonely in these tiny walls, my friends a thousand miles away. Gary next door with Troy. I even called Pat again when I got home from the game. He offered to come get me after my bullshit excuse of no car, but I told him no. Now I wish I hadn’t. It feels like everyone in Alaska has someone to be with but me.
Which is probably my own fault, but still.
I reach for my cigarettes but decide against them before I head for the door. It’s late—well, not late if you consider the fact that she went to a party tonight, but late enough that I shouldn’t be going over to her house. Still, she just got home, and I’m sure Gramps won’t care. Her mom’s car is gone, so I think it’s okay.
