ANNIE. And mine.
MILLY. It’s always been my motto, you ask anyone.
WALTER. Listen, you don’t understand. This is my home. I live here. I’ve lived in that room for years –
ANNIE. On and off.
WALTER. You’re asking me to sleep on that put-u-up? The only person who ever slept on that put-u-up was Aunty Gracy. That’s why she went to America.
MILLY. She slept in it for five years with Uncle Alf, Grace did. They never had a word of complaint.
WALTER. Uncle Alf! Honest, this has knocked me for … for six. I can’t believe it. But I’ll tell you one thing about that bed she’s sleeping in.
ANNIE. What’s the matter with it?
WALTER. There’s nothing the matter with it. It’s mine, that’s all – I bought it.
ANNIE. So he did, Milly.
MILLY. You? I thought I bought it.
ANNIE. That’s right. You did. I remember.
WALTER. You bought it, you went out and chose it, but who gave you the money to buy it?
ANNIE. Yes, he’s right. He did.
WALTER. I mean … what’s happened to my damn things? What’s happened to my case? The one I left here?
ANNIE. Well, she didn’t mind us leaving your things in the cupboard, did she, Milly?
WALTER. Things? That’s my life’s work!
Pause.
She’ll have to go, that’s all.
MILLY. She’s not going.
WALTER. Why not?
ANNIE. She’s not going to go.
MILLY. I should say not. She’s staying.
Pause.
WALTER (with fatigue). Why can’t she sleep on the put-u-up?
ANNIE. Put a lovely girl like that on the put-u-up? In the dining-room?
WALTER. She’s lovely, is she?
MILLY. You should see the beauty cream on her dressing-table.
WALTER. My dressing-table.
MILLY. I like a girl who looks after herself.
ANNIE. She gives herself a good going over every night.
MILLY. She’s never out of the bath. Morning and night. On the nights she goes to night school, she has one before she goes out; other nights she has it just before she goes to bed.
WALTER. Well, she couldn’t have it after she’s gone to bed, could she?
Pause.
Night school? What kind of night school?
MILLY. She’s studying foreign languages there. She’s learning to speak two more languages.
ANNIE. Yes, you can smell her up and down the house.
WALTER. Smell her?
ANNIE. Lovely perfumes she puts on.
MILLY. Yes, I’ll say that, it’s a pleasure to smell her.
WALTER. Is it?
ANNIE. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of perfume.
MILLY. We’re not narrow-minded over a bit of perfume.
ANNIE. She’s up to date, that’s all.
MILLY. Up to the latest fashion.
ANNIE. I was, when I was a girl.
MILLY. What about me?
ANNIE. So were you. But you weren’t as up to date as I was.
MILLY. I was. I didn’t have anything coming over me.
Pause.
WALTER. Does she know where I’ve been?
ANNIE. Oh, yes.
WALTER. You told her I’ve been in the nick?
ANNIE. Oh, we told her, yes.
WALTER. Did you tell her why?
MILLY. Oh, no. Oh no, we didn’t tell her why.
ANNIE. Oh, no, we didn’t discuss that … But I mean it didn’t worry her, did it, Milly? I mean she was very interested. Oh, she was terribly interested.
WALTER (slowly). She was, was she?
ANNIE. Yes.
Walter stands abruptly, slamming the table.
WALTER. Where am I going to put my case?
ANNIE. You can put it in the hall.
WALTER. The hall? That means I’ll have to keep running out to the hall whenever I want anything.
Pause.
I can’t live in these conditions for long. I’m used to something better. I’m used to privacy. I could have her walking in here any time of the day or night. This is the living-room. I don’t want to share my meals with a stranger.
ANNIE. She only has bed and breakfast. I take it up to her room.
WALTER. What does she have?
ANNIE. She has a nice piece of bacon with a poached egg, and she enjoys every minute of it.
WALTER. For thirty-five and six a week? They’re charging three pounds ten everywhere up and down the country. She’s doing you. She’s got hot and cold running water, every comfort, breakfast in a first-class bed. She’s taking you for a ride.
ANNIE. No, she’s not.
Pause.
WALTER. I left something in my room. I’m going to get it.
He goes out and up the stairs. The bathroom door opens and SALLY comes out. She descends the stairs half-way down. They meet.
SALLY. Mr Street?
WALTER. Yes.
SALLY. I’m so pleased to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.
WALTER. Oh yes.
Pause.
I … er …
SALLY. Your aunts are charming people.
WALTER. Mmmm.
Pause.
SALLY. Are you glad to be back?
WALTER. I’ve left something in my room. I’ve got to get it.
SALLY. Oh, well, we’ll meet again. Bye-bye.
She goes to her room. He follows.
The footsteps stop.
WALTER. Could I just …?
SALLY. What?
WALTER. Come in.
SALLY. Come in? But … well, yes … do … if you want to.
They go in. WALTER shuts the door, follows her.
I’m sorry. Everything’s all over the place. I’m at school all day. I don’t have much time to tidy up.
Pause.
I believe I’m teaching at the school you went to. In the infants.
WALTER. Round the corner? Yes, I went there.
SALLY. You wouldn’t believe all the things I’ve heard about you. You’re the apple of your aunts’ eyes.
WALTER. So are you.
Pause.
SALLY. I’m happy here. I get on very well with them.
WALTER. Look … I’ve got to get something in here …
SALLY. In here? I thought you said you’d left something in your room.
WALTER. This is my room.
Pause.
SALLY. This?
WALTER. You’ve taken my room.
SALLY. Have I? I never … realized that Nobody ever told me that. I’m terribly sorry. Do you want it back?
WALTER. I wouldn’t mind.
SALLY. Oh dear … this is very awkward … I must say I’m very comfortable here … I mean, where else could I sleep?
WALTER. There’s a put-u-up downstairs.
SALLY. Oh, I don’t trust those things, do you? I mean, this is such a lovely bed.
WALTER. I know it is. It’s mine.
SALLY. You mean I’m sleeping in your bed?
WALTER. Yes.
SALLY. Oh.
Pause.
WALTER. I’ve got something in here I want to get.
SALLY. Well … carry on.
WALTER. It’s in a rather private place.
SALLY. Do you want me to go out?
WALTER. Yes, if you don’t mind.
SALLY. Go out of the room, you mean?
WALTER. It won’t take me a minute.
SALLY. What are you looking for?
WALTER. It’s a private matter.
SALLY. Is it a gun?
Pause.
Can’t I turn my back?
WALTER. Two minutes. That’s all I want.
SALLY. All right. Two minutes.
She leaves the room and stands on the landing outside the door. WALTER grunts and mutters to himself.
WALTER. Look at those frills. Frills … all over the place. Blood
y dolls’ house. My damn room.
SALLY’S VOICE is heard from the landing.
SALLY. Are you finished?
WALTER. Just a minute.
He opens the cupboard and rummages.
(Muttering.) Where’s that damn case? Wait a minute … what’s this?
Sound of large envelope tearing.
(Softly.) Gaw … huuhh!
SALLY. All right?
WALTER. Yes. Thank you.
SALLY enters the room.
SALLY. Find it?
WALTER. Yes, thank you.
He goes to the door.
What do you teach – ballet?
SALLY. Ballet? No. What a funny question.
WALTER. Not funny. Lots of women teach ballet.
SALLY. I don’t dance.
Pause.
WALTER. I’m sorry I disturbed your … evening.
SALLY. That’s all right.
WALTER. Good night.
SALLY. Good night.
Fade out.
Fade in.
ANNIE. Have another piece of lemon meringue, Mr Solto.
SOLTO. With pleasure.
ANNIE. You’ll like it.
SOLTO. They wanted three hundred and fifty pounds income tax off me the other day. My word of honour. I said to them, you must be mad! What are you trying to do, bring me to an early death? Buy me a cheap spade I’ll get up first thing in the morning before breakfast and dig my own grave. Three hundred and fifty-five nicker, eh? I said to them, I said, show me it, I said show me it down in black and white, show me where I’ve earned – must be round about a thousand pound, you ask me for all that. It’s an estimate, they said, we’ve estimated your earnings. An estimate? Who did your estimate? A blind man with double vision? I’m an old-age pensioner. I’m in receipt of three pound a week, find me something to estimate! What do you say, Walter?
WALTER. They’re a lot of villains, the lot of them.
ANNIE. They don’t care for the old.
MILLY. Still, you’ve still got plenty of energy left in you, Mr Solto.
SOLTO. Plenty of what?
MILLY. Energy.
SOLTO. Energy? You should have seen me in the outback, in Australia. I was the man who opened up the Northern Territory for them out there.
MILLY. It’s a wonder you never got married, Mr Solto.
SOLTO. I’ve always been a lone wolf. The first time I was seduced, I said to myself, Solto, watch your step, mind how you go, go so far but no further. If they want to seduce you, let them seduce you, but marry them? Out of the question.
WALTER. Where was that, in Australia or Greece?
SOLTO. Australia.
WALTER. How did you get to Australia from Greece?
SOLTO. By sea. How do you think? I worked my passage. And what a trip. I was only a pubescent. I killed a man with my own hands, a six-foot-ten Lascar from Madagascar.
ANNIE. From Madagascar?
SOLTO. Sure. A Lascar.
MILLY. Alaska?
SOLTO. Madagascar.
Pause.
WALTER. It’s happened before.
SOLTO. And it’ll happen again.
MILLY. Have another piece of swiss roll, Mr Solto.
ANNIE. I bet you some woman could have made you a good wife.
SOLTO. If I wanted to get married, I could clinch it tomorrow – like that! But I’m like Wally; I’m a lone wolf.
WALTER. How’s the scrap business, Mr Solto?
SOLTO. Ssshh! That’s the same question the tax inspector asked me. I told him I retired years ago. He says to me, Why don’t you fill out your income tax returns? Why don’t you fill out all the forms we send you? I said, I got no income tax to declare, that’s why. You’re the only man in the district who won’t fill out his forms, he says, you want to go to prison? Prison, I said, a man like me, a clean-living old man like me, a man who discovered Don Bradman, it’s a national disgrace! Fill out your forms, he says, there’ll be no trouble. Listen! I said if you want me to fill out these forms, if you want me to go through all that clerical work, all right, pay me a small sum, pay me for my trouble. Pay me to do it. Otherwise fill them out yourself, leave me alone. Three hundred and fifty-five nicker? They got a fat chance.
ANNIE. A good wife wouldn’t have done you no harm. She’d fill out your forms – for you.
SOLTO. That’s what I’m afraid of.
MILLY. Have a custard tart, Mr Solto.
ANNIE. He’s still got a good appetite.
SOLTO. I’ve been saving it up since I last come here.
WALTER. Why, when were you last here, Mr Solto?
MILLY. It was just after you went inside.
SOLTO. I brought round some daffodils.
ANNIE. Nine months ago, he remembers.
SOLTO. How’re they doing?
ANNIE. What?
SOLTO. The daffodils.
ANNIE. Oh, they died.
SOLTO. Go on. (Eats.)
WALTER. So you don’t know about the lodger?
SOLTO. Lodger?
WALTER. Yes, we’ve got a lodger now.
MILLY. She’s a school teacher.
SOLTO. A school teacher, eh? Hmm. Where does she sleep? On the put-u-up?
WALTER. My aunts gave her my room.
MILLY. Come on. Annie, help me clear the table.
SOLTO. The lady who first seduced me, in Australia – she kicked her own husband out and gave me his room. I bumped into him years later making a speech at Marble Arch. It wasn’t a bad speech, it so happens.
MILLY (stacking plates). Why don’t you lend Wally a few pound, Mr Solto?
SOLTO. Me?
ANNIE. Yes, why don’t you?
MILLY. You could help to set him up.
SOLTO. Why don’t you go to the Prisoners Help Society. They’ll give you a loan. I mean, you’ve done two stretches, you must have a few good references.
WALTER. You wouldn’t miss two hundred quid.
SOLTO. Two hundred here, three fifty-five there – what do you think I am, a bank manager?
MILLY. You can’t take it with you, Mr Solto.
WALTER. He wants to be the richest man in the cemetery.
ANNIE. It won’t do you much good where you’re going, Mr Solto.
SOLTO. Who’s going anywhere?
MILLY. Come on, Annabel.
ANNIE. There’s one rock cake left, Mr Solto.
SOLTO. I’ll tell you what, Annie. Keep the rock cake.
MILLY. Annabel.
ANNIE and MILLY go out with plates.
SOLTO. I wish I could give you a helping hand, Wally. Honest. But things are very tight. I had six cross doubles the other day. Three came home. Number four developed rheumatism at the last hurdle. I went without food for two days.
WALTER. I could do with a lift up. I’m thinking of going straight.
SOLTO. Why? You getting tired of a life of crime?
WALTER. I’m not good enough. I get caught too many times. I’m not clever enough.
SOLTO. You’re still on the post-office books?
WALTER. Yes.
SOLTO. It’s a mug’s game. I’ve told you before. If you want to be a forger you’ve got to have a gift. It’s got to come from the heart.
WALTER. I’m not a good enough forger.
SOLTO. You’re a terrible forger.
WALTER. That’s why I’m always getting caught.
SOLTO. I’m a better forger than you any day. And I don’t forge.
WALTER. I haven’t got the gift.
SOLTO. A forger’s got to love his work. You don’t love your work, that’s your trouble, Walter.
WALTER. If you lent me two hundred quid I could go straight.
SOLTO. I’m an old-age pensioner, Wally. What are you talking about?
WALTER. If only I could get my room back! I could get settled in, I could think, about things!
SOLTO. Why, who’s this school teacher, then? What’s the game?
WALTER (casually). Listen, I want to show you somethi
ng.
SOLTO. What?
WALTER. This photo.
SOLTO. Who’s this?
WALTER. A girl … I want to find.
SOLTO. Who is she?
WALTER. That’s what I want to find out.
SOLTO. We were just talking about forging, about your room, about the school teacher. What’s this got to do with it?
WALTER. This is a club, isn’t it, in the photo?
SOLTO. Sure.
WALTER. And that girl’s a hostess, isn’t she?
SOLTO. Sure.
WALTER. Can you locate her?
SOLTO. Me?
Pause.
WALTER. Do you know any of these men – these men with her?
SOLTO. O-oh, one of them… looks familiar.
WALTER. Find that girl for me. It’s important. As a favour. You’re the only man I know who could find her. You know these clubs.
SOLTO. Do you know the girl?
Pause.
WALTER. No.
SOLTO. Well, where’d you get hold of the photo?
WALTER. I got hold of it.
SOLTO. What have you done? Fallen in love with a photo?
WALTER. Sure. That’s right.
SOLTO. Yes … A very attractive girl. A lovely girl. All right, Wally. I’ll try to find her for you.
WALTER. Thanks.
Front door slams.
Footsteps up the stairs.
SOLTO. Who’s that?
WALTER. That’s our lodger. The school teacher.
Fade out.
Fade in.
MILLY. I don’t want the milk hot, I want it cold.
ANNIE. It is cold.
MILLY. I thought you warmed it up.
ANNIE. I did. The time I got up here it’s gone cold.
MILLY. You should have kept it in the pan. If you’d brought it up in the pan it would have still been hot.
ANNIE. I thought you said you didn’t want it hot.
MILLY. I don’t want it hot.
ANNIE. Well, that’s why I’m saying it’s cold.
MILLY. I know that. But if I had wanted it hot. That’s all I’m saying. (She sips the milk.) It could be colder.
ANNIE. Do you want a piece of anchovy or a doughnut.
MILLY. I’ll have the anchovy. What are you going to have?
ANNIE. I’m going downstairs, to have a doughnut.
MILLY. You can have this one.
ANNIE. No, I’ve got one downstairs. You can have it after the anchovy.
MILLY. Why don’t you have the anchovy?
ANNIE. You know what I wouldn’t mind? I wouldn’t mind a few pilchards.
Harold Pinter Plays 2 Page 16
