"What about the prince who pretends to be a swineherd to win the princess after she's been humbled?"
"I've always wondered about the sanity of such princes. Why would you want to marry a girl who has to be humbled before she's worth anything? After she gets back into the castle, she'll just revert to her old ways. Swineherds are filthy and smelly, and they've been with the pigs so long their sense of smell is totally trashed, so you can never fully housebreak them." She shook her head, nose wrinkled in disgust. "Thanks, but no thanks. Give me a decent, middle class man with good hygiene and good manners. One who doesn't need to battle anyone or prove anything or fulfill some idiotic quest. He doesn't mess with things best left alone, and dangerous. But he stands up for others and he knows when to help and when to let people do it on their own." She frowned, staring at a far distant point that Brick suspected wasn't anywhere on the road ahead of him. "And he likes children. And even more important, children like him."
"That's a pretty tall order." He clamped his teeth together, to fight the urge to blurt that he loved kids, and he liked visiting his friend Jon-Tom, who planned to open a daycare center next summer.
Jon-Tom and Jeri's wedding was coming up. He would take Lori with him and position her where she could see him playing favorite uncle with all the children who had been invited. If she couldn't take a hint, then he'd just have to resort to the caveman routine and throw her over his shoulder, maybe take her off to his family cabin in the mountains of southern Ohio, until she came to her senses.
He thought he had finally come to his.
Tuesday, December 18
"You know Holly, don't you?" Maurice said.
"The librarian? I've met her a couple times. I know about her, but know her? Not really." Will settled back further into the lounging chair he had made out of a plush lamb. There was something to be said for shrinking himself down to five inches tall. It didn't make his problems go away, but it helped him put some things into perspective. Of course, he was still trying to figure out what exactly that perspective was. He had decided that instead of wandering around Neighborlee, trying to get into the Christmas spirit without Phill--and failing miserably--he would camp out with Maurice.
Maurice seemed pretty happy, despite his exile, limited magic, and size. Will had to admit it was kind of fun, being small and invisible to most of the world, sitting here on the shelf behind the counter at Divine's Emporium, watching the world go by. And it didn't hurt to realize that a single can of diet cherry cola could last him all day, and a single piece of dark chocolate that would have melted in his mouth in under two minutes would take him hours to savor. Maurice didn't have it all bad.
Except for now, Will decided with a flash of insight that nearly blinded him. There was something in his voice, in his eyes. Not something noticeable, but rather the effort not to be noticeable. Maurice wasn't made for acting casual.
"What about Holly? She's a good kid, from everything I hear. She needs a... Oh, so that's it." Another flash of insight told him that if he was so miserable over Phill, then Maurice had to be doubly unhappy, verging on agony. Not only was he unable to be seen and heard by his heartthrob, but she was a Human. That put up a lot of barriers between them. Sure, Fae had been romping through the Human realms for centuries, falling in love and taking Human lovers or spouses, and producing enough half-blood children to prove the two races were not incompatible. The problem was that unless that true love had some Fae blood, she was going to age and fade and eventually die. The most powerful spell a Fae could find would only delay the inevitable, not change the dictates of biology.
"What's it?" Maurice snuggled down a little further into the embrace of the teddy bear dressed as Santa Claus that was his chair of choice for the day.
"You and Holly. Ouch."
"Is it as hopeless as I think it is?"
"Let me think about it. There's the year remaining to your exile, and the fact she's Human. Of course, she's kind of sensitive, but if she had any Fae blood you would have expected her to have seen and heard you from the beginning. Especially with the influence of spending so much time here at Divine's."
"Thanks. That's exactly what I didn't need to hear."
"There's gotta be something in the Ether Lexicon to give you an answer." Will flinched as another flash of insight went off in his eyes. That wince from Maurice told him yet another detail of his exile. "You can't even access the Lexicon? That sucks harder than gravity. What do they think you'll do? Find a--" This time Will managed to close his eyes before the flash went off in front of his face, close enough he felt the sparks and heat.
"Find what?" Maurice demanded. He reached across the bright red furry arm of the teddy bear and tugged on Will's sleeve.
"Why would they deny you access to the Ether Lexicon unless there was something in there that could either help you, or there's a loophole out of your exile, or even something to break the exile? Like a bunch of tasks you have to complete."
"A Get out of Jail Free card," Maurice whispered. His mouth twitched like he either tried to smile and couldn't, or he fought not to smile because the hope was almost too much to be endured. "Would you--"
"I'd be glad to. Especially if we can finagle things to let you and Holly work things out. Man, how can you stand not even being able to talk to her? At least me and Phill, most of the time we're... Well, it's good most of the time. Except when we're wanting what we can't have."
"You mean you two haven't checked the Lexicon either?" A more normal, slightly mischievous smile touched Maurice's face now.
"Yeah, well, she's pissed at me and took off into another dimension, so what's the use if she never comes back? I'm concentrating on your problem. If Phill ever shows up, we'll work on us." Will snapped his fingers and held out his hands, calling for the Ether Lexicon.
It didn't show up. He didn't even feel that flickering in the air around his hands, meaning the book was trying to come but was too busy providing interfaces with too many other Fae right at that moment. That rarely happened, he knew, because Fae in general were a self-reliant breed. Meaning a good number of them managed to work their way into trouble of some kind because they didn't stop to ask for help from the Lexicon.
He tried again. Still nothing.
"Ah...let me make a suggestion." Maurice tapped his chest. "I'm probably the problem. If I'm not allowed to look, there's probably a safeguard in there to keep me from reading over someone else's shoulder. It won't come to you if I'm within a certain distance."
"Those guys on the Disciplinary Council are hard core." He gestured, as if clearing a space around himself. "Do you mind?"
"Go ahead. I'm gonna flit on over to the book room and see what those kids are up to, so I'll be busy for a while. Don't forget to make notes--maybe use ordinary paper and pen, just in case conjured notes fall under the same spell. If that's not too much trouble?"
"You got it." Will looked around the main room, cast a temporary shielding spell that included a misdirection charm in it, then took a flying leap off the shelf. He returned to full size halfway to the floor and landed, crouching, behind the counter. When he stood up and walked out from behind the counter and out into the main hallway, the shielding spell wore off slowly, so he didn't startle the customers moving through the shop right then.
Will tried to call up the Ether Lexicon four times, each time moving farther away from Maurice. He finally had to go outside and walk three houses down the street, toward town, before the book came to him. Knowing it was useless to fight or waste his time working around the spell, Will conjured himself back to his hotel room. Might as well be comfortable while he was doing his research, after all.
* * * *
Will had a few ideas by the time he had read through a third of the information the Ether Lexicon had pulled up for him. The information and the amount of pages kept growing, the further he read and as more possible offshoots of research occurred to him. When he lifted his head from the book, after filling the second notebook he had conjured up, he
realized it was nearly two in the afternoon. He thought about Maurice, waiting for an answer, and the idea of putting aside his studies to go report to him sounded good.
Will had never minded hours of study because the subjects he pursued were always interesting. However, he had never confined himself in one place and focused so hard on anything else before. Maurice was probably pacing by now. With the Ether Lexicon as the source of information, there should have been an answer by now. After all, it was a law of Fae physics that every spell and curse and sentence of punishment had a loophole, some way of shortening the term or short-circuiting the curse.
Will made a marker for himself, along with a running record of everything he had looked at, so he wouldn't have to go over old territory when he re-opened the Lexicon. Then he called up his coat and scarf, planning to walk over to Divine's Emporium and get some exercise after sitting all day.
That was when his stomach growled. He laughed at himself--yes, of course, he had worked through lunch. He thought about calling room service as he tucked his notebooks into a backpack, then decided not to waste all that time waiting. He could detour through a sandwich shop on his way to Divine's.
Someone knocked on his door just as he reached for the knob to pull it open. Will pulled, and found Phill standing there, her hand still up to knock. They stared at each other, frozen for a dozen heartbeats. Then he told the voice of caution to shut up and pulled her into his arms, yanked her into the room, and shoved the door closed with a thought.
"I'm sorry. I was stupid. You are never leaving me again," he blurted, and realized Phill was talking just as fast and desperately. "What?"
"You idiot." Phill laughed and punched him in the shoulder. To his relief, she didn't step out of his arms. "We're both idiots."
"I know. And I shouldn't have listened to my relatives, telling me I should let you go, that I'm making you sick by keeping Need from coming. We want to be together, right? You and me, we're a team forever, right?"
"Absolutely." She shuddered and multi-colored stars swirled around her head for a few seconds, reacting to her burst of anger. "I swear, my relatives must be in collusion with your relatives. They've been putting pressure on me, too, saying I'm hurting myself, holding back and fighting Need because of you. And I'm keeping your perfect mate from finding you. That we're working all sorts of unconscious magic. It's stupid!"
"I don't want to be with anybody but you, Phillomena." He grasped her shoulders and held her still, lifting her a good five inches so they were eye-to-eye.
"Ditto. And if that means I never experience Need, that's fine, because I don't want to lose you."
"Ditto ditto." He wanted to kiss her, but something kept his arms stiff, even though he wanted to pull her up tight against him. What was wrong now? Will had the horrid suspicion he was afraid of what would happen next. What if he kissed Phill and it was awful? Worse, what if he kissed her and she hated it so much she left permanently?
So, do we really need all the physical goop? I mean, we can't spend all our time in bed anyway. And we've gotten along just fine all these centuries without sex. We've lived without it so far, so we'll be just fine without it. Right?
It sounded fine when he put it that way, but Will suspected if he sat and thought about it, he would find some major holes in his reasoning. Or he might just drive himself crazy. He feared if he spoke his thoughts aloud to Phill, she would agree too quickly and easily, which would be painful. Or she would get angry again. Maybe she wanted to be lovers. But how could they take that next step, bonding as much as they could without the benefit of Need, when he couldn't even make himself kiss her now?
He had to get his mind on something else.
"Okay," he said, forcing himself to release her before his hands tightened any more and he bruised Phill's arms. "Now that we have ourselves straightened out, we need to concentrate on Maurice. Did you know he's in love with Angela's friend Holly, the librarian?"
"I guessed, yeah." The sparkle in Phill's eyes and the bright color in her cheeks faded a little. That was to be expected, now that the crisis moment was over.
That was too bad, Will thought, because she had never looked prettier. He shook off that thought and concentrated on explaining to Phill what he had been doing for Maurice. She read through his notebooks on the walk to Divine's Emporium, including the detour when he went through Hunky & Dory's for sandwiches. She admitted she was hungry, and Will gladly ordered enough for a feast. Maybe Maurice would think there was something to celebrate, even though he hadn't finished his research yet.
They were holding hands as they strolled up the sidewalk to Divine's Emporium, and Maurice came flying out to meet them. He flew circles around them three times and came to settle on Will's shoulder.
"So, does this mean you two ninnies got your heads on straight finally?"
Phill laughed so hard she had to sit down. The only likely spot was the wrought iron fence in front of Divine's, and it shook a little from the force of her laughter. Will conjured up a bench for her. She nodded thanks, green and blue and gold tears streaming down her cheeks as she settled into it.
"Okay, should I go for a second career doing comedy?" Maurice said, coming to rest on the end of the bench, with Phill between him and Will.
"You're right," Phill gasped, finally getting her laughter under control. "We've been ninnies. Especially letting our relatives get us all worried and trying to drive us apart. We've both been so worried that Need will hit and drive us away from each other."
"Yeah, and I think you're still ninnies." He jammed his fists into his hips and glared up at them both. "Look, who needs Need when you've got the real thing already? I've been spending enough time trying to help Angela's Human friends match up, I can see when it's real, and for you two, it's real. The way I figure, Need is just to give you that extra hard shove, or maybe some glue to hold you together while you get the rough stuff smoothed out. You two are already together in all the ways that matter, right?"
"Right." Phill turned to Will. Something in her eyes, part fear and part anger, choked him, so he could barely manage to squeak out his own affirmation.
Maurice sighed loudly, shaking his head. "You two are hopeless. It's a miracle you got this far. And to think I was hoping you could give me some answers. Okay, time to speak with a professional. Or as close to a professional as we can get without needing to go to a shrink." He jumped up and spread his wings and hovered at eye-level with Will. "Are you coming?"
"Coming where?" Phill asked, standing.
"Wait and see."
Maurice led them to the offices of the Neighborlee Tattler, the local paper. Will had seen Lanie Zephyr a few times on previous visits to Neighborlee. The dark-haired woman hadn't let her wheelchair get in the way of her life. She played wheelchair basketball, had a successful comedy career in the evenings and weekends, and worked as copy editor and advice columnist for the Tattler and its sister papers across the state of Ohio.
"What?" Phill said, when Will groaned. Half a second later, the sound was cut off when the door hit him in the backside. They had paused on the slushy entry mat of the newspaper office, looking around at all the chaos that Will supposed was attendant in a twice-weekly paper.
"Wait right here," Maurice said.
"What?" Phill demanded again, as they settled down in chairs and the woman on the phone at the receptionist's desk signaled that she would be right with them.
"Lanie does the Talk to Terry column. It's a lot of lovelorn advice," Will said, keeping his voice low. "She doesn't mince words, either. If someone is a moron, she tells him so."
"Ah." She nodded, then frowned. "I assume she can see Maurice?"
"If she's a friend of Angela's, I assume so."
"Will and Phill?" A vaguely familiar female voice came from behind them. Will stood up and turned to see Lanie wheel down the ramp from the next level of the office.
The Neighborlee Tattler was housed in four buildings that had at one time been built up again
st each other in a row. As the newspaper expanded, so had its offices, with walls torn down to make one large building. Ramps were installed where floors didn't match up. Will thought of the early years of Escher and wondered if the architect had patterned the renovated offices after those brain-bending drawings, with the changing levels, up and down.
Lanie Zephyr had a backpack slung over the back of her chair and held a coat and scarf on her lap. Maurice rode on her shoulder and gave them the OK sign as Lanie slid to a stop a few feet in front of them.
"The timing is good. I was just getting ready to take off for the day," Lanie said. "Want to go for a roll while we talk?"
"Ah...sure," Phill said. She stepped away from Will, reaching for the door.
The door opened before she touched it, and no one was on the other side. Will automatically flung out a feeler of magic and felt the reverberations of power--not magic, but something akin to it--holding the door open. He followed those reverberations back to Lanie. She grinned, winked, and swung her coat around to wrap it around herself. Maurice took to the air just before he was knocked from her shoulder.
"That explains a few things," Phill said softly, as they followed Lanie outside and down the short ramp to the parking lot.
Lanie gave her chair a hard push with that power while she pulled her gloves on and finished buttoning up her coat. They all turned down the sidewalk that would eventually lead to the center of town, where the gazebo and playground and Civil War monument all stood.
"Okay, Maurice gave me a general idea of the whole Need problem," Lanie said, when they had reached the next intersection.
"How?" Will wanted to know. He remembered his parents sitting him down and stumbling through his first explanation of Need. He had finally resorted to asking the Ether Lexicon--when his parents weren't around to see him do it, of course--and it had taken nearly an hour to unravel all the misconceptions.
"Do you know Star Trek at all? Heck, any science fiction where there's an inordinate and unnecessary focus on the so-called joys of alien sex?" Lanie grinned and rolled her eyes as she said it. Phill giggled, and that wasn't very encouraging, as far as Will was concerned. "Maurice basically said it's the Fae version of Pon Farr, only a lot more fun. And you two are--"
Have Yourself a Faerie Little Christmas Page 17
