'Just a few words,' Bill replied. 'Sister Fi said she wouldn't make much sense for a few hours with all the morphine and everything.'
'That's right,' Alice agreed. 'She's had a lot of sedation.'
'She asked where Ted was.' Bill said, his voice suddenly bitter. 'I didn't know what to say.'
Alice looked around. 'Has he gone to the canteen?'
'The pub, more like. He couldn't get out quick enough when Mr Khan told us about her leg.'
'You don't know that, Bill,' Sheila interjected. 'He's upset. We all are. Anyway, there's not much he could do right now.'
But Bill wasn't going to be brushed off. 'He could be here,' he retorted smartly. 'He could be here for her, loving her—that would be enough. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?' His voice was thick with tears, and Alice listened as this bearded, tattooed man spoke with empathy and passion. 'Sure, sometimes you can't change what's happened—we'd all like a magic wand to make the past disappear—but that's not going to happen. He should stand by her now when she needs him most What's Kim got now?' And then he broke down, his wide shoulder slumping as he put his head in his hands and cried. Cried for his beautiful daughter, and what she had lost.
'She's got you,' Alice said gently. 'And from where I'm standing, that's going to be more than enough.'
CHAPTER TEN
By two a.m. exhaustion was definitely starting to set in. Drug chart, IV charts, a pile of sticky notes attached to her worksheet—they all blurred in front of Alice's eyes. She ached to see Jeremy, longed to see how he was coping, how the day's events had taken their toll on him.
'A and E just rang up. There's going to be a debriefing at nine for ill staff who were on in A and E—they'll do the wards after. Will you go?' Fi asked.
Alice nodded without looking up. 'I guess. Hopefully they'll put on a decent spread.'
'You cynic, you. Don't you think it helps?'
Alice signed off the drug sheet she had written up, leant back in her chair and swivelled to face Fi. 'I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm into all this dissecting things, analysing how we felt, how we reacted. Sometimes I think it can only make things worse. I'll be far more interested in the medical debriefing when Samuel Donovan goes over all the data and histories. There's something to be gained from analysing that, but as for the rest of it...'
'Maybe you're right,' Fi said, stifling a yawn. 'Dragging it all up doesn't change what happened. I guess you either cope with it or you don't.'
The call bell interrupted the rather deep conversation, and as Fi got up to answer it Alice carried on with her work. She hadn't been strictly truthful with Fi. The only debrief she was interested in was with Jeremy. Knowing how he'd coped, how he'd reacted—with him she knew she could have shown her feelings.
'How's it all going?'
There Jeremy was, his tired eyes looking down at her. She ached for him to put his hands on her shoulders, to lean back against him and let him massage away the horrors of the day, but instead she carried on writing.
'Getting there. How about you?'
'Alice?' Fi appeared, looking a bit anxious. 'Kim Earl's awake. She's extremely distressed. It's just hit her that she's lost her leg. She's not due for any more analgesia yet but I wondered if a stat dose of Valium might be in order?'
Alice took the drug sheet Fi was holding. 'Maybe. I'd better have a look at her first, though.'
'I'll do it.'
Fi and Alice looked on in surprise as Jeremy took the drug sheet. 'Will you come with me, Alice? She might recognise you from when she came in. A familiar face can only help.'
Kim's sobs could be heard down the ward as they made their way to her bedside.
'Kim.' The fact he had used her first name was something of a rarity, but Kim was oblivious as she lay there, sobbing hysterically. 'Kim.' His voice was sharper in an attempt to gain a response. 'I'm Mr Foster, Jeremy Foster. I operated on you this morning.'
'Are you responsible for this?' Yanking back the sheet with strength born from hysteria and fear, Kim started to scream as she saw the dressing covering what used to be her leg. 'Are you the doctor that chopped it off?'
She raised her hand, so deranged with grief Alice knew she was about to hit him. A more pitiful sight she couldn't imagine—the battered body of Kim, her arms laden with drips and equipment, attempting to take a swipe at the man who had saved her. Thankfully Jeremy was too quick for her. Grabbing her wrist before it met its target, he held onto her. 'Kim, that's not going to help anyone.' His words somehow got through and, utterly defeated, Kim slumped back on the pillow, the fight seeping out of her, her tears agonising, rasping but rational now.
'Did you chop it off?' she asked again.
Alice watched as Jeremy stood there, his hand still holding Kim's arm, but gently now, more comforting than controlling. 'No, it wasn't me. It was the orthopaedic consultant who made the final decision. Kim, I don't know if what I'm going to say now will be any help, or if you can take it in, but I'm going to tell you anyway. The orthopaedic consultant didn't amputate your leg. It was already practically amputated by the time you arrived here.' Alice winced at the brutality of his words but stood quietly, trusting in his experience. 'Mr Khan did his absolute best to re-attach it, but he couldn't. Now, somewhere down the track you're going to wonder whether on a different day with a different doctor your leg might have been saved. Well, I'm going to answer that for you. Mr Khan did everything—and I mean everything he could with every piece of the latest technology available, and there was nothing that could be done.'
'What did you do?' Kim's eyes were searching Jeremy's.
'You had a large tear in your liver—which, I might add, was incredibly difficult to stop bleeding—and you also had a perforated bowel. At one point it looked as if you might have to have a colostomy fashioned. Do you know what that is?'
Kim nodded. 'Where you have to wear a bag on your stomach.'
'That's right—to get rid of effluent. Well, we didn't want to land too much on you—I reckoned losing your leg was enough to be going on with—so we soldiered on. There's no guarantees. The next few days will be telling but hopefully we've saved you from that. If it does become necessary, though, it will only be temporary.'
Amazingly Kim seemed to cope well with his honesty. 'Alice said you were good.'
His eyes left Kim for a moment and travelled over to hers. 'Did she now?' he said softly.
'I know I should be grateful, I know you've all saved my life, it's just... It was my leg. What am I going to be like? What's Ted going to think? He's never going to want me now.' She started to cry and Alice could hear the note of hysteria creeping in again.
'Of course he'll want you.'
'You haven't met him. He likes me to look good, and I like looking good—I'm a model for heaven's sake...' She glared at Jeremy as if he were responsible for all mankind. 'Would you want me? Be honest, would you still want me?'
It was the ranting of fear, of morphine and desperation, and Jeremy had absolutely no need to answer, no need to reduce this conversation to a personal level—he had never done so before. But Alice watched in stunned silence as his hand left Kim's arm and he held her hand. Pulling a chair over, he lowered himself slowly.
'Ah, now, that's a question. Well, put it this way—just over a year ago I'd have been out that door without a second glance. Hell, I've chucked girlfriends for having their hair too short.' Alice felt her breathing quicken. He had been so good—surely he wasn't going to mess it up now? 'And then, like you, I was involved in an accident. OK, I didn't lose my leg, but I just about lost my life. My brain was so swollen I was unconscious for three weeks. My left kidney was torn from the abdominal wall and had to be reattached, and my back was broken. I was the lucky one, but I tell you it didn't feel like it at the time. Lying in traction for three months, not knowing if I'd ever really walk again, having to be spoon-fed, learning to talk and walk and go to the bathroom all over again. But I did it, and so can you, because we are the lucky o
nes. And if you don't believe me, there's a mortuary full of kids and grown ups tonight who I can only imagine would love to be in your shoes.'
'Or shoe.'
Alice had to stop herself from gasping out loud as she heard the attempt at a joke escape from Kim's pale lips.
'Kim, I was as vain as a man can be—probably a bit like your Ted. Looks mattered, money mattered, image mattered. Or so I thought. My accident served as a huge wake-up call and, although I never want to be there again, I'm glad it happened, and I can say that honestly. And with the right attitude maybe some day so can you. Stare at the ceiling for the next week, cry your eyes out and mourn what you've lost. You deserve that. Then get on with it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself oft and get on with living— and while you're at it, decide who's coming on the journey with you. Because, let me tell you, with what you're about to go through you need the best, and if Ted's not up to the job then it's time to say goodbye.'
Kim's eyes were heavy now. The morphine was kicking in again. Her head lolled on the pillow. 'But you got there in the end? You're happy now?'
Hot tears were trickling down Alice's cheek. She hardly dared move to wipe them in case she broke the moment and, more pointedly, in case she didn't hear Jeremy's answer.
'Not yet,' he answered with a simple honesty that tore at Alice's heart. 'But I'm working on it, and at least I can sleep at night now.' Again he looked at Alice and gave a tiny smile. 'At least, most nights.'
Fi crept in, apologising for being so long. 'I got stuck with bed four. Here's the Valium.'
'It's all right, Fi,' Jeremy said, his voice a dry whisper. 'Looks like she's settled.'
'Good. Look, I'm sorry, Jeremy, Intensive Care just rang—they need you.'
I need you, Alice wanted to shout as he made his way out through the curtains, but he was already gone—and, anyway, she had left it too late. Suddenly it hit her with a certainty beyond question that she had let go of the best thing that had ever happened to her and Maisy.
Needing some fresh air and a moment to herself to take it all in, she headed outside to stand in the staff car park.
'Don't tell Dianne.'
Shocked that anyone else was out here, Alice swung around in time to see Josh hastily stubbing out a cigarette.
Alice managed a thin laugh. 'Have you got any left?' But her attempt at laughter caught in her throat and she started to cry in earnest. 'Oh, Josh, I've messed everything up.'
He was over in a flash. 'Hey, Alice, what are you talking about? There's nothing that can't be fixed.'
But she was inconsolable. 'We were so much in love. I know it could have worked but at the time I was so scared it just seemed so impossible.'
Josh's arms were comforting around her, like the big brother she had never had. 'I assume we're talking about our mutual boss, though technically that could also qualify as Linda. You're not about to give me a coronary, are you? I haven't got things that wrong?'
Thumping his chest as he held her, Alice laughed through her tears. 'Can't you be serious for once?'
'For you, Alice, yes.' And for once Josh was serious. Steadying her, he sat her down. Pulling a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, he offered her one but she shook her head. 'Now, how about you tell me about it, and we'll see if there's anything that can be done?'
'I don't really know how it started,' Alice began. 'I knew all about him—his reputation, I mean—and I never even considered he'd like me. Well, not that way. But as the days went on, we just...well, you know. I had a confrontation with Marcus, Jeremy was there, it ended up in bed—not straight away,' she added hastily, glancing over to check Josh's reaction, but he stood there non-judgementally, puffing away. 'Then the pregnancy really took a dive. I know it wasn't his fault but I started to blame him. Then once Maisy came along...' she started to cry in earnest '...I just couldn't believe he could still want me. I was feeling pretty low, I can't really explain it, then Linda came to visit.'
'To brighten up your day.'
It was the first time Josh had interrupted.
'Josh, she didn't mean to hurt me. She told me about her friend.'
'Linda hasn't got any friends.'
'Are you going to listen?'
Josh threw his butt onto the ground and stepped on it, his jaw tensing as she continued. 'She was really nice. She didn't know everything that had gone on. She told me about her friend, another single parent, and how it had been for her. Up in front of the family law courts, trying to explain away her latest boyfriend and fighting for custody of her own child. Marcus is getting married to a kindergarten teacher, for heaven's sake. What chance would I have? Anyway, Linda let it slip—and it was an accident, Josh— that they weren't on call that night, although Jeremy had told me he was. I even rang the switchboard to confirm it. Linda said he was up to his old tricks, pulling everyone in sight, saying anything to get them into bed.'
'And you believed her?' Josh's voice was deadly quiet.
'She wasn't to know what had gone on.'
Josh stood up then, his eyes blazing. It was the first time ever Alice had seen him angry. 'Of course she knew. I told you never to trust her. She knew, Alice, we all knew.'
'But how?' she begged, utterly bewildered.
'Linda and I were walking to work the day you were admitted with Maisy, and you and Jeremy were in his car. As for the mix-up with the on-call, Jeremy specifically swapped with Mr Taylor so he could be there for you on your first night home with Maisy. You know Switchboard only goes by the roster in front of them.'
'Then when she came to see me...' Suddenly the jigsaw was beginning to fall into place.
'She was fully prepared to do a hatchet job, and the state you were in unfortunately made it all too easy. Alice, you've been so down on yourself, so wrapped up in doing things right for Maisy, you've failed to see how good Jeremy really is. Don't you think you'd look better in the family courts—and it's doubtful that it will ever come to that—in a happy stable relationship with a guy who loves you and who's been through it all with you? And, as much as Linda goes on that Jeremy would sleep with anyone, she conveniently forgets she was someone he'd rejected.
'I never told you this, it never really seemed relevant. A few nights before Jeremy had his accident there was a surgeons' ball. Linda made a big play for him. I lied today— it was the second time I've seen her wearing lipstick. It was awful. She had too much to drink. I know Jeremy can be a bastard at times but he tried to let her down gently. She just wouldn't take the hint. It got really embarrassing. In the end he turned around and in that dry snobby voice he's perfected so well he said to her, "Madam, please, control yourself." Everyone cracked up laughing, and in fairness to Jeremy it was entirely merited, but it was awful just the same. Linda turned to stone. She didn't see him again till the day he came back, the day you started.'
Alice raked her fingers through her limp hair. 'Oh, poor Linda, no wonder she hates me. It must have been awful for her, seeing that Jeremy fancied me.'
'He doesn't fancy you, Alice, he loves you. All that poor guy has ever done is love you. We've all got a past—me, Jeremy, and even you. Hell, yours is two months old and sprouting teeth. We can't change our pasts but there's a hell of a lot we can all do about our future.'
She clutched her fists to her head, battling with the self-directed anger inside. 'What if I've left it too late?' she wailed. 'What can I say to him now, after the way I've been?'
'I'm sure you'll think of something. At the end of the day you could always resort to bit of honesty.' A glint appeared in Josh's eyes. 'But do us a favour, Alice, make it soon, for all our sakes. I'm starting to hope that I'm rostered for Theatre with Linda! It's enough to make a guy question his own sexuality.'
But 'soon' would have to wait. There were patients waiting, and later, as the sun rose and the curtains were drawn back on the wards for the six a.m. obs, Jeremy was called to Theatre and Alice was stuck on the wards. She didn't see him again until the ward round, her longing intensified as she
saw the dark circles under his beautiful blue eyes, the dark blond stubble on his strong chin. That day would go down in history, Fi remarked, as the first ward round without Jeremy in a suit.
It would go down in history for other reasons as well. Arriving breathless at the apartment, Alice collided with Mavis on her way to the child health centre.
'You made it.'
'Only just. How has she been?'
Mavis gazed fondly down at the baby. 'She's been golden. You'd better take a brolly; the radio said there was a chance of rain.'
Alice looked up at the blue sky. 'They never get it right.'
'Got your gumboots all packed?' June asked as she weighed Maisy. 'I'll give you a letter to take to your new maternal and child health nurse.' She tutted a couple of times. 'Silly me, you won't have one of them where you're off to. I'd better address it to your new GP. Are you starting to get excited?' she asked, handing back Maisy.
'I'm not sure,' Alice mumbled, horrified at the thought of leaving for the country but not yet ready to burn her bridges.
June gave her a questioning look but didn't push. 'Well, we'd better fill in Maisy's progress book. You think you'll never forget the milestones, but by the time, you've had a couple more it all starts to blur a bit.' She opened the yellow folder that contained Maisy's details—her length, her weight, her head circumference. Turning to the back, she started to ask Alice some questions.
'When did she start to follow your face with her eyes?'
Alice thought for a moment. 'After a couple of weeks.'
'Good.' June filled in the blank. 'How about her reaction to sound, a door banging perhaps or a hand clap. Does it startle Maisy?'
Alice nodded. 'Absolutely. There's rather a lot of door banging in the flat upstairs, unfortunately.'
'And how about her first smile?'
Alice gave a soft laugh. 'Well, Jeremy, my...' she hesitated '...my friend. He swears she smiled at him the day she was born, but I'd be more inclined to say since she was about four or five weeks old.'
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