And now I’ve given him reason to call her. To seek out her help.
Hands trembling, Jenna glanced over what she’d written, hardly able to read the scribbled words. And still she felt the pain of them.
She’d had to let go before. So many times. Why did it have to hurt so badly this time?
The dark of the night belongs here, in the only place left where I can truly be myself. These pages.
Max hasn’t accepted that I left him. I really thought that the keys in the cup holder would do it.
She had to pause again as tears blurred her vision. She’d cried when she’d left those keys there, knowing that by doing so she was stabbing Max in the heart.
But a little stab now was so much better than the grief he’d feel if Caleb was hurt. Better than loving Meri for another few years, making more memories and maybe even another baby, and then losing her. She knew that. Knew that she was being kindest in the long run. Knew that she had no other choice. And still...
Sometimes I wonder when I will reach the point that it’s all more than I can bear. When is enough, enough?
No. She couldn’t go down the road to nowhere. She’d traveled it for too long. And wasn’t going back.
She wouldn’t give Steve that satisfaction. And she wouldn’t do it to herself, either. I have to let Max know that I’m okay. And that I honestly and truly want to leave him so he’ll tell Chantel to stop looking for me. I can’t have them finding Steve. They’ll never get him. They’ll only piss him off. Make him more inclined to hurt them. Or Caleb. They’re taking away the time I need to plan. Forcing me to hurry.
I have to convince him to back off.
I convinced Officer Wayne Stanton tonight. I convinced Renee and Yvonne, too. And now I have to find a way to convince the dear sweet man that I love more than life that I don’t want a life with him.
Please God, if I’m going to die seeing this mission through, take me soon.
* * *
ON WEDNESDAY MORNING, Chantel called Max at work. He’d just come in from a patient and was voicing his chart notes into his computer when the phone rang.
“Do you have anyone who covers for you there?”
“I do,” he said. And as soon as he got off the phone, he was going to ask the other pediatrician who worked at the clinic to take his appointments for the rest of the day. It would be the second day in a week that he’d asked for the favor.
“What’s up?” He’d dropped Caleb off at day care on his way in to work that morning so Chantel had the house to herself. And the freedom to come and go as necessary.
“I have a dinner appointment with that detective I told you about.”
“She’s in Santa Raquel?”
“No, it’s in Laughlin. She doesn’t want to meet in Vegas. She says there are too many people who know people there and she’s not sure who’s still friendly with Steve and who isn’t. I guess he was in good with the police commissioner and I’m guessing that’s why he still has a perfect record.”
“Laughlin’s nine hours from here.”
“I can get us booked on a flight to Bullhead City just across the river if you can leave by two. We’ll be home by eleven o’clock tonight. Wayne and his wife said they’d keep Caleb for us. They’ll come to your house. I think he’s curious to meet you and Caleb after seeing Meredith last night.”
“He believes her.”
“Yeah, but he also understands your position. It’s a tough one. Like I said, we all deal with DV issues, Max. And I knew you wouldn’t leave Caleb unless you were absolutely certain he’d be safe.”
“Thank you. I’m in.”
Max finished charting, rescheduled his well-checks, and moved the rest of his appointments to the office next door. He did the same for Thursday’s appointments, as well.
He had no idea what he was going to find out in Laughlin.
But he walked with new energy in his step.
He was going to get some answers.
Finally.
* * *
JENNA MANAGED TO avoid Lila on Wednesday. She avoided the cafeteria and, except for her speech therapy appointments, she avoided the main building.
For that one day, she avoided the library as well, opting instead to take a break at the resort’s kidney-shaped outdoor pool.
Steve was not her first priority that day.
Convincing Max that she’d left of her own accord was her number one priority. If he didn’t stop looking for her, Steve would get mad. He might do something to Caleb, just to show Max who was more powerful. Lying facedown on a lounge chair in the one piece suit she’d picked up from the TLS thrift store, Jenna closed her eyes.
After her restless night, she was exhausted.
And still couldn’t sleep.
She never should have married Max. Tears sprang to her eyes at the thought, but it was true. She knew Steve better than anyone. She’d known he’d never leave her alone. She’d wanted so badly to have a normal life. To have a family of her own. To love and be loved.
She’d wanted to believe that all she had to do was have the courage to start over. To open her heart and let trust be reborn. To hope and dream.
But she’d known, with some part of her, that she couldn’t have a normal life. Steve wasn’t just an abuser. He was her owner. In his mind.
And still she’d married Max. She’d given birth to a child.
Knowing that they could be in danger someday.
Now it was up to her to fix that mistake.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
She didn’t need to open her eyes to know that Lila had taken the seat next to her. But she opened them anyway.
Sitting sideways, facing Jenna, Lila was fully dressed in beige pants, a cream-colored blouse and a beige sweater. Her graying hair was pulled back into a bun. Jenna concentrated on the toes of the plain beige flats on the woman’s feet.
She didn’t say anything.
“Thank you for being out here,” Lila said softly. From her supine position, Jenna couldn’t see her face. She saw the older woman’s hands folded together, resting on her knees.
“The pool’s been open for almost a month and only a handful of people have used it. Mostly moms who come out to let their kids swim.”
There were certain hours when the pool was open to children. And there were adult-only swim times, too.
“I was hesitant at first about having a pool installed,” Lila continued. “Most of our women...they’ve got scars to hide outside as well as in...and then it occurred to me that that was exactly the reason to have a place where they can remember the joy of sluicing through the water or lying out in the sun without having to be self-conscious. And maybe...if they get used to it here, they’ll continue to go to the pool or the ocean when they leave here, too.”
Jenna had scars. On her back. Both upper arms. On the back of her neck and the front of one thigh. When had she stopped thinking about them? Remembering to hide them?
Turning over, she sat up.
“Max made me feel beautiful,” she said. Lila knew about Meredith. Officer Wayne Stanton had agreed to keep her whereabouts and her name change secret. Last night, in her office, Lila had, too.
Neither of them knew why she’d insisted they not tell anyone. And that if they did, she’d leave the shelter.
Lila would never condone Jenna’s plan to confront her abuser alone. But that was the only way Steve wanted her. The only hope she had that he wouldn’t immediately go on the defensive....
Glancing at Lila, Jenna was surprised at the warmth in the other woman’s eyes. Lila was a professional. A woman in her position couldn’t afford to get emotionally involved with the hundreds of women who made their way through the shelter.
“I didn’t realize it until right now, you k
now,” Jenna said. “I didn’t realize that I’d lost that feeling of being...physically ugly. I cover the scars out of habit, not because I’m consciously aware of them, or aware of the questions they’d raise in other people.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I forgot that.”
Max hadn’t just told her she was beautiful. He’d shown her. The man had been so hot for her she’d barely been able to get him to put clothes on when she was around. He was a little better since Caleb had been born. A little more circumspect. But his sexual appetite hadn’t waned one bit.
Neither, for that matter, had hers.
An astounding feat for a woman who’d grown to hate sex and everything about it.
“Your Max sounds like a pretty incredible man.”
Jenna’s eyes narrowed. “What do you know about Max? Have you been talking to someone?”
She didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but this was her problem. She’d created it. She’d fix it.
And if she succeeded with Steve?
Then, if she was meant to be with Max, he’d be available.
“Jenna?”
She looked up at Lila.
“Yes?”
“I didn’t talk to anyone. About you or Max. And I won’t. But I want you to talk to me. Please.”
She understood the position Lila was in. She had regulations she had to follow.
But Jenna didn’t have anything to say.
“Did Max hit you?”
“No!”
“So you really aren’t running from him.”
“No.”
“Then why not speak to him? It’s obvious the man’s worried sick about you. He’s got two different police forces working on a missing person who isn’t missing.”
“Max won’t listen.” That much was true.
“But you are on the run.”
No. Not anymore. But... “Yes.”
“From an abuser.”
“Yes.”
“Were you married to him?”
“Yes.”
“He gave you those scars?”
Jenna pulled her wrap around her shoulders and tucked her towel around her legs.
“Yes.”
Lila nodded. “You’re safe here.”
“I know.”
“Does Max know about him?”
“Yes.”
“And he thinks he can take him on,” Lila guessed. “You know better.”
Okay. It was sort of true. Max thought that the law could take on Steve. He believed that she could live free and happy. She shrugged. And knew that Lila took the action as an affirmative response to her question.
“And you’re sure you don’t need legal assistance?”
The thought was almost laughable to her. Except that she would never be at a point where she could laugh about anything to do with Steve Smith. “I don’t.”
Lila hesitated. And then asked, “Do you have a plan, then?”
“No. I just....”
“You need time to figure out how to deal with an abusive ex-husband while married to a good man.”
She didn’t answer.
“You know there’s family counseling for survivors of abuse and their family members.”
“I know.”
She’d insisted that Max attend a program with her before she’d agreed to marry him.
But they all assumed the threat of abuse was in the past.
“I’m glad you’re helping Romar. Sara said she thinks it’ll go a long way toward her healing. Romar has somehow associated her inability to communicate with her abuse and also with her low self-concept.”
Lila was now speaking to her as a professional to another professional. Jenna noticed the shift.
And she was grateful for it. They spoke about a couple of other residents who could benefit from Jenna’s services.
And then Lila said, “Because you wish it, you will remain Jenna McDonald here,” she said. “I ask only one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“That if you’re in trouble, you come to me right away.”
“I will.” She would if she could.
She liked the woman. Felt a peculiar kinship with her. And didn’t miss Lila’s skeptical look at her last comment.
She knew Jenna was up to something.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“YOU DIDN’T TELL me the dinner date was in a casino.” He’d changed from scrubs into jeans and a pull-over, but was still wearing the lime green high-tops he’d had on that morning. He’d been in a hurry.
Caleb had clung to him when Wayne Stanton and his wife, Maria, had first arrived. But Maria soon had the toddler engaged and Max might have been hurt by how easily he’d been able to slip away if he hadn’t been so relieved.
“Detective Kolhase chose the spot.” Chantel, also in jeans, had been pretty closed-mouth about the upcoming meeting, though she’d been talkative on the flight over. Reliving the past. Things he’d forgotten. Like the time Jill had come up behind him while he’d been making a peanut butter sandwich, grabbing his arm from behind in a playful attempt to bind him, and sending a glob of peanut butter from the knife to Chantel’s face. The glob had landed on her upper lip like a mustache and the three of them had laughed until it hurt.
“How do we know what this detective looks like? How do we find her?” And what was she going to tell them?
“She’s in a navy suit, slacks and jacket, and will be carrying a red purse. She’s got short dark hair.”
Lights flashed, music played and the sound of slot machines rang all around them. Max had been to casinos. He’d played blackjack a few times. He’d just never been able to relax and enjoy giving his earnings to chance.
“That must be her.” Chantel’s tone changed from casual to all-business as she headed toward an alcove with a couple of couches and a table along a corridor lined with various eateries.
Diane Kolhase approached them, a confident smile on her face, and a sense about her that she could take the world by the hand and make it safe. She had a table in an Italian restaurant and led them there, letting their waitress know that they’d arrived.
So far he was impressed.
“I’m sorry for all the drama, bringing you here, rather than just meeting in Vegas,” she said as soon as they’d ordered and finished with introductory pleasantries. “But when you mentioned Steve Smith...”
Any sense of relaxation Max might have felt fled. As did his appetite.
“Did you know him personally?” he asked, not waiting for Chantel to conduct the interview.
“Yes. For a brief time I was his partner.”
“Why a brief time?” Chantel asked. “Was his behavior inappropriate?”
Diane, who was probably in her late thirties and looked as lithe and hard as a football running back, shook her head. “He was promoted,” she said, arms folded on the table as she leaned toward them. “Back then I was as impressed by him as everyone else was. The man has a mind like a steel trap. Nothing gets away from him. He walks into a room and could walk back in five minutes later and know if anything had moved even an inch. He could pull facts from a year before into a current case and come up with missing pieces before some of us even knew pieces were missing.”
Max leaned back in his chair, listening. And growing more desperate by the minute.
* * *
DAY EIGHT.
It’s just after nine and I’ve retired for the night. Not because I’m tired but because I just couldn’t keep up appearances any longer.
I invited Renee to have dinner with us tonight. She’s down to only one roommate and the woman works in the cafeteria, so she’s never home for meals and I didn’t want her to have to cook for herself.
Latoya a
nd Carly liked Renee, too, as I suspected they would. Carly, bless her heart, likes anyone who is kind to her, which could be part of what got her into the situation she was in. Latoya’s a harder nut to crack, but she was the one who took Renee’s plate from her when she was going to carry it to the sink. And filled her tea, too.
I talked to them all about having a pool party next weekend. They liked the idea and we started planning the food and talked about some games we could play. It’s more than a week away and I wonder, will I still be here then? And what of Max and Caleb? Will they be well into learning to live without me?
I have to hope so. As much as the selfish part of me wants to matter more than that to them, I need to know that I’m not hurting them as badly as my own heart is hurting.
The pool party. I was talking about the pool party. It would be an opportunity for all of the women to be in swimsuits in a safe environment. Hopefully, Lila will be pleased. I don’t ever want her to think that I’m just using The Lemonade Stand for my own ends.
Jenna wrote a bit more about the day, cataloguing her activities as though she was talking to a much older Caleb—a young man who would hopefully be reading with an open heart, seeking to understand why his mother had done what she’d done. Seeking the love for him that she was pouring into these pages.
And Max? Would he read them? With another woman by his side, perhaps?
Why do I torture myself with images of Max with another woman? Sometimes I’m afraid that maybe, secretly, I want that for him. I love him so much and it kills me to think of another woman touching him—and worse—him touching her. But wouldn’t that be better for him? I want my love for him to be clean and pure and that means I have to always have his best interests at heart and what if that’s not me?
Here, at The Lemonade Stand, I’m coming face-to-face with myself. Not part of my plan, but I can’t seem to help it. The truth is I’m not pure and clean. I’m dirtied by a choice I made so long ago. The choice to marry Steve Smith. Max and Caleb, they’re too...precious to me...too...clean...to be sprayed with Steve’s mud.
Her arm cramped, but she wasn’t at all tired. Her time alone that day, her talk with Lila at the pool, had filled her with wild energy as she contemplated what lay ahead. She was going to do this. She was really going to take Steve on. By herself. She was either going to find a way to convince him he no longer wanted her, or that it was in his best interests to let her go, or she was going to die trying. Because she wouldn’t live with him again. And he’d never let her leave again, unless he himself decided to let her go.
Harlequin Superromance September 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: This Good ManPromises Under the Peach TreeHusband by Choice Page 66
