by Mina Carter
Chapter 19
This life, which had been the tomb of his virtue and of his honour, is but a walking shadow. - William Shakespeare
Billy
Over the next few days my life settled into a routine. I continued to work out each morning and made sure to get all my errands done early so my nights would be free for Thyme. I gave up all other socializing completely, outside of rehearsals, which were going even better than I’d imagined, and the occasional daylight meal with Tony.
It felt like he and I had been friends forever. He read my moods well and the more I knew about Tony, the more I found to like. Besides pressuring me to let his wife introduce me to a close friend of hers, he was pretty low key about everything. He never mentioned our ghost conversation or the grilling I’d given him about Thyme and I was relieved he didn’t reintroduce those prickly subjects.
I was mostly biding my time, waiting for the sun to set so I could be with my ghost girl again. Conversation flowed effortlessly between the two of us now, me talking my head off and her listening attentively providing nonverbal responses.
When I eventually went to bed each night, I slept better than I had in years. I was seriously considering settling down in NOLA during my off times. Where better to put down some roots than in its culturally vibrant soil?
I also spent a great deal of time on the internet researching ghosts but I didn’t glean much.
So I had been improvising.
“Thyme,” I called, the way I had the past couple of nights as soon as darkness fell. “Come out sweet girl. I’m lonely. Keep me company while I eat.”
The spot next to me at the bar shimmered and she appeared, the scent of lemon heralding her arrival.
I lifted my beer in acknowledgement, took a long pull and set it on the counter next to my plate. “I know I’m eating takeout again. Too many carbs and fat. Totally unhealthy, but,” I shrugged. “I’d eat better if someone would cook for me once in a while.”
She rolled her eyes.
“Such attitude, woman.” I took a bite of my fried shrimp, and she licked her lips, her gaze alternating between my mouth and my food.
“Ah, you weren’t interested in the pizza the other night but you like these, huh?” I picked one up and offered it to her.
She waved her hands in front of her face and patted her stomach.
“Oh, you’re full? Already had dinner without me? That hurts my feelings, Thyme,” I teased.
She touched her lips and shook her head.
“Ah, you can’t eat you mean.”
She nodded, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, but I still caught her looking at my plate longingly. I felt guilty and shoved the plate to the side leaning forward to snag my beer again. I’d rather look at her and talk than eat anyway.
She got up and moved behind me. I felt a chill breeze as she passed, then a bigger one as her brow creased with concentration as she moved the plate back toward me with her see through hands.
“You want me to eat, huh?”
She nodded vigorously.
“Alright. It’s cute the way you worry about me. But only if you’ll talk to me.”
She looked like she sighed.
“Are you telling me I have to carry the conversation again tonight?”
Looking amused, she nodded.
“Ok, Thyme, but you know people are going to speculate. Some might say our relationship is one sided.”
She pursed her lips, holding up her fingers and pretending to count on them.
“I know. I know. Don’t get all huffy. You do all the cleaning and the laundry. But I’m worth it so don’t nag. It’ll ruin the mood for later.”
Another cute eye roll with a lip twitch.
This was nice. More and more she was warming up to me, but what I wouldn’t give for a full out smile. I peeked a side glance at her. “I like your outfit tonight.”
She smoothed the skirt of her sundress and preened. She was petite, but her curves…
“Damn, woman. I wish your clothes were see through like your body.”
Said body shook as if she were laughing. She wiped the corners of her eyes as if she’d laughed so hard I’d made tears come out of them. Then she made a stern face and pointed at my food.
“Ok. I’ll eat, but it’s probably cold by now. You are too distracting. I need to think of a way for you to reward me when I clean my plate.” I wiggled my brows suggestively.
The next day I followed my same routine. A little exercise. Some more ghost research. However, I was pretty sure I already knew more about the subject than most so called experts. I was essentially attending ghost night school, after all.
I met up with Tony for an early dinner but didn’t say a word about Thyme. Probably because I didn’t want him to know how hooked I was becoming on her.
I was thumbing through her books like a zealot. Things I’d already been told or surmised were confirmed and verified in pink pen scribbled on the margins of the cream pages. Thyme was a woman or had been a woman with a huge heart and simple dreams. Devoted to the man she loved, adoring her Mamere and passionate about their shop.
Me? I was a man totally and completely obsessed with a dead girl. Walking in her footsteps, sleeping in her bed, playing house with her. Living a lie, a secret life in limbo.
And if all of that wasn’t bad enough, last night my obsession had reached new heights. Heights from which I never planned to descend.
I woke up before dawn with my heart hammering from the familiar dream.
Wiping the back of my hand through the sheen of perspiration on my brow, I’d sensed Thyme’s presence. She’d stayed with me through the night. She must have sensed my distress. Though she didn’t speak a word, I felt her empathy. She had losses of her own. Her fiancée. Her Mamere. Her life.
Her silent understanding eroded the barrier I’d carefully constructed over the years. The words tumbled freely from my mouth. “I’ll never forget that night,” I confided thickly, staring unseeingly straight ahead. “The cops came into my dressing room. In full uniform.” I paused to swallow remembering the detached professionalism. I didn’t realize it then but the news they bore would completely destroy my entire world.”
And that’s when I felt more than just Thyme’s presence in the room. A feather light caress on the bare skin of my shoulder was so welcome that I shuddered. I was like an old guitar that had never been quite in tune until the very moment she touched me. I felt as though I’d known her my entire life. As if our being together had been fated long ago.
Who was this woman?
The air seemed to shimmer and just for a moment I saw her. Really saw her. In full color, sitting on the bed beside me. Long waves of glossy cinnamon brown hair fell to her shoulders. Alluring curves, smooth café latte skin and beautiful shining violet eyes that widened as I stared directly into them.
She was so beautiful she took my breath away and I felt the loss when she immediately winked into grey semi-transparency again. But I’d never forget that moment. Never had a simple touch felt so monumental.
“I met Nan when I was riding bulls on the rodeo circuit,” I continued wanting to share with her, wanting her to understand. “She was the beauty queen at the North Texas Fair and Rodeo in Denton, Texas. It was love at first sight for both of us. We got married six months later, right after I got my first record deal. William the third was born nine months later.” My voice got softer as I reflected, speaking the words that were so difficult for me to utter. “We argued the night the accident happened. I don’t think she knew what she was signing on for when we got married. The amount of traveling I’d have to do. I was gone more than I was home. I tried to convince her to go on the road with me but all her friends were in Denton. The last words I said to her were…unkind.” I hadn’t meant them. “But I never had the chance to take them back. Never got another chance to hold William.”
The pain was too raw. I turned my head away, but I sensed what she wanted to ask, and I answered as
if she had actually voiced that request.
“I told Nan if she didn’t want to make our marriage work that there were plenty of women who’d be willing to take her place.”
I imagined Thyme’s sharp inhalation.
“I know. I was shocked at myself.” I looked back at her. Her steady nonjudgmental gaze helped me continue. “I was young and arrogant. When you’re surrounded by yes men twenty-four seven, all telling you that you’re the shizz, you start to believe it.” I sighed heavily. “She hung up on me. I tried to call her right back but she didn’t answer her cell. I went on stage. Did the show. Then the cops came in after. Told me how she’d been driving her Mustang way too fast. She lost control of the vehicle. Swerved onto a raised meridian. Flipped the car over. She was killed instantly. William died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.”
Somberness settled over us, a respectful moment of silence remembering those who we had lost. I couldn’t even recall the specific details of the funeral. I knew that I had requested that they be buried together. I knew that I sat on the front pew, staring at their open casket, eyes dry. I cried a lot later. A living corpse, I was as still as they were while the organist played in the background and relatives lined up and filed past, offering their condolences. I knew I received hug after hug. I knew that having that kind of outpouring of support meant that I had it better than most after a loss so devastating. But I had been too empty and closed off to receive any of it.
I dug deep down and forged ahead telling Thyme something I had never told anyone. “Nan was on her way to a lawyer. They found divorce papers in the vehicle.” I raked fingers through my damp hair. “I should’ve listened better. I should’ve put her first. I didn’t deserve her. And I don’t date anymore. I had my chance. I don’t deserve another.” My hands tightened bunching up fistfuls of sheet.
Thyme’s gaze drifted gently across my face. I could feel the warmth of understanding rolling off of her form. She reached for me again, a barely perceptible touch from those ghostly fingers, and my grip on the sheet loosened. Unlike long ago at the funeral, this time I was able to receive the compassion so generously offered.
Something new and fragile had arisen from the rubble inside my chest because of Thyme that night. Whatever the bond was between this broken man and an invisible girl, it transformed into something much more substantial and significant during those quiet hours before the break of the New Orleans’ dawn.
Chapter 20
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. - Alfred Lord Tennyson
Thyme
Last night had changed everything. Our connection further strengthened by what he had shared. Being with him was more than just a desire for his companionship. It had become a raw and vital need.
I was ready for his call and switched to visibility the moment he whispered my name, my longing for him cresting then ebbing, like a wave coming home to the shore, the moment my gaze washed over him once again.
I shied away from analyzing the intensity of the feelings I had for him, but they were real. The heavy burden of grief I had borne alone for so long lightened whenever I was with him.
“Two seconds faster than yesterday,” he announced proudly with that hint of Texas twang, his clear blue eyes reflecting the overhead hallway light. “Way to go, Ghost Girl.” He raised his hand for a congratulatory slap, the faded Black Cat Records t-shirt he wore stretching tight over his lean but rock solid chest. My imagined pulse kicked up knowing exactly what that chest looked like bare. I had grown intimately familiar with it and every single feature of his body.
I shifted closer stretching my arm toward him, bringing my hand to within an inch of his, before coming to my senses and withdrawing it. I shouldn’t touch him like I had last night, though I still ached to, even more than before, wanting to soothe him after what he had shared. But I was in so much trouble already. Billy Blade made me forget the rules, forget the consequences, forget everything and everyone else but him.
His teasing smile and the amused sparkle within his eyes faded, changing into something else entirely as seconds or maybe even minutes passed with him holding me captive in his gaze. A line had been crossed last night. More than crossed. Completely erased. Could he possibly know the power he had over me? Maybe, I thought watching his lips curve into a I think I’ll take what you’re offering grin. Or was that corresponding need in his expression just a case of me seeing what I wanted to see? Because truly, if I had a heart anymore it would have been trying to claw its way out of my chest to jump in and burrow its way closer to his.
There were so many feelings for Billy clamoring around inside of me with nowhere for me to put them. There was no place for them in my existence anyway. I was a shade waiting on my beloved, a fact I had to remind myself of more and more frequently lately. I was being disloyal to Shane’s memory. It didn’t matter that it had been ten long lonely years since our separation.
As if sensing my inner turmoil, Billy suddenly took a step back giving me my space. He turned, muttered something over his shoulder about not wanting to eat alone, his voice thick as he asked me to join him for dinner.
I followed him down the hall without delay as if his wishes were commands while trying not to focus on the view. But who could ignore it? I was dead, but I could still see the dark blond hair kissing his collar, trace the broad shoulders with my gaze, and watch his proud purposeful stride in those dark jeans that fit his tight ass and long legs perfectly as he led me down the hall.
“How was your day?” he asked, casually flopping onto the couch, the paper takeaway sack from Mr. B’s rustling as he dug into it. A half empty Abita lay on the coffee table in front of him. As if we were a typical domestic couple catching up on each other at the end of another normal day.
I shrugged my shoulders and took a seat on the edge of the couch beside him. I had to be near him but I kept my hands in my lap. There wasn’t much to tell. I slept in the day as he usually did toward the dawn after my visits. I loved that time, watching him as he rested. His face was so relaxed in repose and I was free to look and look without worrying about my expression betraying how appealing I found him.
I pointed to him and opened my hands as if to say, “And how was yours?”
“Errands and shit,” he answered as if I’d actually verbalized the question. “Worked out. Listened to the recordings the guys and I have gotten started. Took care of emails for work. Responded to interview requests. Boring stuff really.” He set down his container of gumbo ya ya and wiped his mouth with a napkin before giving me a long penetrating sidelong glance. “Missed you,” he said low and meaningfully.
I missed him, too. It was insane but I couldn’t look away. He ensnared me every time he gazed at me with those penetrating eyes. He leaned toward me, a dark blond lock sliding over his forehead. I wanted to run my fingers through it the way he so often did. I leaned toward him. Our faces were mere inches apart but I wanted them to be closer, much closer. I had been caught in his gravitational pull from the moment I first saw him.
He breathed my name. Warmth would have bathed my lips and sent heat spiraling throughout my body if I had been corporeal.
He’s not for you, Thyme. I stood abruptly, paced to the windows and looked out at the night. The lights. The people. A world I used to be a part of, but not anymore, not really. Like my desire for him those longings had to be set aside.
Bury them quick. Enjoy what you have been given. This time. Now. With him. A man who makes you smile. A man who makes you forget your limitations and losses.
I turned back around and started. He’d moved right behind me. He looked sheepish, like a little boy with a guilty conscience caught reaching for the last cookie in the cookie jar.
“I’m sorry.” His eyes searched mine. “Guess you know now how drop…dead sexy I find you.” He grinned at his pun but it seemed forced. His steady gaze remained serious.
Could he possibly be as into me as I was into him?
Un
likely. I gave him an eye roll reward for his effort before pointing to his food, crossing my arms over my chest and arranging my features into a stern mask.
“Alright, Ty Boo.” His grin widened. “I’ll eat up, but only if you come back and sit next to me. Real close,” he added when I sat too far away for his liking.
I slid toward him. He looked at me again, a slow lingering head to toe scan that would have made me flush if that were possible. The approval in his eyes definitely made me glad I’d conjured up the ruffle edged baby doll top and Daisy Duke denim cut offs.
“I like that outfit. It’s the kinda thing that would look right in my hometown. All it lacks are some cowboy boots.” His eyes went heavy lidded and his voice dropped to a rumble that made me want to shiver. “Wish you’d talk to me, Thyme.”
I shook my head. That was about the only rule I hadn’t violated with him. I was afraid if I started talking to him that I wouldn’t be able to stop. That I’d tell him things and share parts of myself that would make me become even more emotionally attached to him than I already was. That wouldn’t be good. I didn’t need my dull and depressing existence to get any darker like I knew it would when he inevitably left me.
Abandoned and on my own once again.
*****
Billy
Just two lonely people keeping each other company at night. Oh yeah, except that one of them was dead.
I knew it was unnatural. Hell, it was freakin’ otherworldly.
But I couldn’t stop myself. Obsession had become a compulsion that I didn’t try to resist anymore.
I continued talking to her hoping every time I saw her that I would hear her voice again. Thyme continued to do thoughtful things to take care of me, cleaning, putting my key and wallet where I could find them and fussing over me to make sure I ate right. And best of all when I woke up in the morning there was an indentation on the pillow beside me where I imagined she had laid her head and watched over me while I slept.
