And that's when I finally let it all out. I told her everything. I told her about how she, Ms. Karp, and St. Vladimir could all heal and use super-compulsion. Although it made her squirm, I told her how they too grew easily upset and had tried to hurtthemselves.
"He tried to kill himself, " I said, not meeting her eyes. "And I used to notice marks on Ms. Karp's skin-like she'd claw at her own face. She tried to hide it with her hair, but I could see the old scratches and tell when she made new ones."
"It doesn't meananything, " insisted Lisa. "It-it's all a coincidence."
She sounded like she wanted to believe that, and inside, some part of her really did. But there was another part of her, a desperate part of her that had wanted for so long to know that she wasn't a freak, that she wasn't alone. Even if the news was bad, at least now she knew there were others like her.
"Is it a coincidence that neither of them seems to have specialized?"
I recounted my conversation with Ms. Carmack and explained my theory about specializing in all four elements. I also repeated Ms. Carmack's comment about how that would burn someone out.
Lisa rubbed her eyes when I finished, smudging a little of her makeup. She gave me a weak smile. "I don't know what's crazier: what you're actually telling me or the fact that you actuallyread something to find all this out."
I grinned, relieved that she'd actually mustered a joke. "Hey, I know how to read too."
"I know you do. I also know it took you a year to readThe Da Vinci Code. " She laughed.
"That wasn't my fault! And don't try to change the subject."
"I'm not. " She smiled,then sighed. "I just don't know what to think about all this."
"There's nothing to think about. Just don't do stuff that'll upset you. Remember coasting through the middle? Go back to that. It's a lot easier on you."
She shook her head. "I can't do that. Not yet."
"Why not?I already told you- " I stopped, wondering why I hadn't caught on before. "It's not just Mia. You're doing all this because you feel like you'resupposed to. You're still trying to be Andre."
"My parents would have wanted me to-"
"Your parents would have wanted you to be happy."
"It's not that easy, Rose. I can't ignore these people forever. I'mroyal too."
"Most of them suck."
"And a lot of them are going to help rule the Moroi. Andre knew that. He wasn't like the others, but he did what he had to do because he knew how important they were."
I leaned back against the bench. "Well, maybe that's the problem. We're deciding who's 'important' based on family alone, so we end up with these screwed-up people making decisions. That's why Moroi numbers are dropping and bitches like Tatiana are queen. Maybe there needs to be a new royal system."
"Come on, Rose. This is the way it is; that's the way it's been for centuries. We have to live with that. " I glared. "Okay, how about this? " she continued. "You're worried about me becoming likethem — like Ms. Karp and St. Vladimir-right? Well, she said I shouldn't use the powers, that it would make things get worse if I did. What if I just stop?Compulsion, healing, everything."
I narrowed my eyes. "You could do that? " The convenient compulsionaside, that was what I'd wanted her to do the whole time. Her depression had started at the same time the powers emerged, just after the accident. I had to believe they were connected, particularly in light of the evidence and Ms. Karp's warnings.
"Yes."
Her face was perfectly composed, her expression serious and steady. With her pale hair woven into a neat French braid and a suede blazer over her dress, she looked like she could have taken her family's place on the council right now.
"You'd have to give up everything, " I warned. "No healing, no matter how cute and cuddly the animal.
And no more compulsion to dazzle the royals."
She nodded seriously. "I can do it. Will that make you feel better?"
"Yeah, but I'd feel even better if you stopped magicand went back to hanging out with Natalie."
"I know, I knowBut I can't stop, not now at least."
I couldn't get her to budge on that-yet-but knowing that she would avoid using her powers relieved me.
"All right, " I said, picking up my backpack. I was late for practice.Again. "You can keep playing with the brat pack, so long as you keep the 'other stuff' in check. " I hesitated. "And you know,you really have made your point with Aaron and Mia. You don't have to keep him around to keep hanging out with the royals."
"Why do I keep getting the feeling you don't like him anymore?"
"I like him okay-which is about as much as you like him. And I don't think you should get hot and sweaty with people you only like 'okay'"
Lisa widened her eyes in pretend astonishment. "Is this Rose Hathaway talking? Have you reformed?
Or doyou have someone you like 'more than okay'?"
«Hey» I said uncomfortably, "I'm just looking out for you.That, and I never noticed how boring Aaron is before."
She scoffed. "You think everyone's boring."
"Christian isn't."
It slipped out before I could stop it. She quit smiling. "He's ajerk. He just stopped talking to me for no reason one day " She crossed her arms. "And don't you hate him anyway?"
"I can still hate him and think he's interesting."
But I was also starting to think that I might have made a big mistake about Christian. He was creepy and dark and liked to set people on fire, true. On the other hand, he was smart and funny-in a twisted way-and somehow had a calming effect on Lisa.
But I'd messed it all up. I'd let my anger and jealousy get the best of me and ended up separating them. If I'd let him go to her in the garden that night, maybe she wouldn't have gotten upset and cut herself. Maybe they'd be together now, away from all the school politics.
Fate must have been thinking the same thing, because five minutes after I left Lisa, I passed Christian walking across the quad. Our eyes locked for a moment before we passed each other. I nearly kept walking.Nearly. Taking a deep breath, I came to a stop.
"Wait…Christian. " I called out to him. Damn, I was so late for training. Dimitri was going to kill me.
Christian spun around to face me, hands stuffed in the pockets of his long black coat, his posture slumped and uncaring.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for the books. " He didn't say anything. "The ones you gave to Mason."
"Oh, I thought you meant the other books."
Smartass. "Aren't you going to ask what they were for?"
"Your business.Just figured you were bored being suspended."
"I'd have to be pretty bored for that."
He didn't laugh at my joke. "What do you want, Rose? I've got places to be."
I knew he was lying, but my sarcasm no longer seemed as funny as usual. "I want you to, uh, hang out with Lisa again."
"Are youserious? " He studied me closely, suspicion all over him. "After what you said to me?"
"Yeah, well…Didn't Mason tell you?…"
Christian's lips turned up into a sneer. "He told me something."
"And?"
"And I don't want to hear it from Mason. " His sneer cranked up when I glared. "You sent him to apologize for you. Step up and do it yourself."
"You're a jerk, " I informed him.
"Yeah.And you're a liar. I want to see you eat your pride."
"I've been eating my pride for two weeks, " I growled.
Shrugging, he turned around and started to walk away.
«Wait!» I called, putting my hand on his shoulder. He stopped and looked back at me. "All right, all right.
I lied about how she felt. She never said any of that stuff about you, okay? Shelikes you. I made it up becauseI don't like you."
"And yet you want me to talk to her."
When the next words left my lips, I could barely believe it. "I think…you might be…good for her."
We stared at each other for several heavy moments. His smirk
dried up a little. Not much surprised him. This did.
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Can you repeat that? " he finally asked.
I almost punched him in the face. "Will you stop it already? I want you to hang out with her again."
"No."
"Look, I told you, I lied-"
"It's not that. It'sher. You think I can talk to her now? She's Princess Lisa again. " Venom dripped off his words. "I can't go near her, not when she's surrounded by all those royals."
"You'reroyal too, " I said, more to myself than him. I kept forgetting the Ozeras were one of the twelve families.
"Doesn't mean much in a family full of Strigoi, huh?"
"Butyou're not-wait. That's why she connects to you, " I realized with a start.
"Because I'm going to become a Strigoi? " he asked snidely.
"No…because you lost your parents too. Both of you saw them die."
"She saw hers die. I saw mine murdered."
I flinched. "I know. I'm sorry, it must have been…well, I don't have any idea what it was like."
Those crystal-blue eyes went unfocused. "It was like seeing an army of Deathinvade my house."
"You mean…your parents?"
He shook his head. "The guardians who came to kill them. I mean, my parents were scary, yeah, but they still looked like my parents-a little paler, I guess.Some red in their eyes. But they walked and talked the same way. I didn't know anything was wrong with them, but my aunt did. She was watching me when they came for me."
"Were they going to convert you? " I'd forgotten my original mission here, too caught up in the story.
"You were really little."
"I think they were going to keep me until I was older,then turn me. Aunt Tasha wouldn't let them take me. They tried to reason with her, convert her too, but when she wouldn't listen, they tried to take her by force. She fought them-got really messed up-and then the guardians showed up. " His eyes drifted back to me. He smiled, but there was no happiness in it. "Like Isaid, an army of Death. I think you're crazy, Rose, but if you turn out like the rest of them, you're going to be able to do some serious damage one day. Even I won't mess with you."
I felt horrible. He'd had a miserable life, and I'd taken away one of the few good things in it. "Christian, I'm sorry for screwing things up between you and Lisa. It was stupid. She wanted to be with you. I think she still does now. If you could just-"
"I told you, I can't."
"I'm worried about her. She's into all this royal stuff because she thinks it's going to get back at Mia-she's doing it for me."
"And you aren't grateful? " The sarcasm returned.
"I'm worried. She can't handle playing all these catty political games. It isn't good for her, but she won't listen to me. I could…I could use help."
"Shecould use help. Hey, don't look so surprised-I know there's something funny going on with her.
And I'm not even talking about the wrist thing."
I jumped. "Did she tell you?… " Why not? She'd told him everything else.
"She didn't need to, " he said. "I've got eyes. " I must have looked pathetic, because he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, if I catch Lisa alone…I'll try to talk to her. But honestly…if you really want to help her…well, I know I'm supposed to be all anti-establishment, but you might get the best help talking to somebody else.Kirova.Your guardian guy. I don't know.Someone who knows something.
Someone you trust."
"Lisa wouldn't like that. " I considered. "Neither would I."
"Yeah, well, we all have to do things we don't like. That's life."
My snarky switch flipped on. "What are you, an after-school special?"
A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around."
"Funny, I feel that way about you too."
He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.
CHAPTER 17
Afew days later, Lisa found me outside the commons and delivered the most astonishing news.
"Uncle Victor's getting Natalie off campus this weekend to go shopping inMissoula.For the dance. They said I could come along."
I didn't say anything. She looked surprised at my silence.
"Isn't that cool?"
"Foryou, I guess. No malls or dances in my future."
She smiled excitedly. "He told Natalie she could bring two other people besides me. I convinced her to bring you and Camille."
I threw up my hands. "Well, thanks, but I'm not even supposed to go to the library after school. No one's going to let me go toMissoula."
"Uncle Victor thinks he can get Headmistress Kirova to let you go. Dimitri's trying too."
"Dimitri?"
"Yeah.He has to go with me if I leave campus. " She grinned, taking my interest in Dimitri as interest in the mall. "They figured out my account finally-I got my allowance back. So we can buy other stuff along with dresses. And you know if they let you go to the mall, they'll have to let you go to the dance."
"Do we go to dances now? " I said. We never had before.School-sponsored social events? No way.
"Of course not.But you know there'll be all kinds of secret parties. We'll start at the dance and sneak off. " She sighed happily. "Mia's so jealous she can barely stand it."
She went on about all the stores we'd go to, all the things we'd buy. I admit,I was kind of excited at the thought of getting some new clothes, but I doubted I'd actually get this mythical release.
"Oh hey, " she said excitedly. "You should see these shoes Camille let me borrow. I never knew we wore the same size. Hang on. " She opened her backpack and began rifling through it.
Suddenly, she screamed and threw it down. Books and shoes spilled out. So did a dead dove.
It was one of the pale brown mourning doves that sat on wires along the freeway and under trees on campus. It had so much blood on it that I couldn't figure out where the wound was. Who knew
something so small even had that much blood? Regardless, the bird was definitely dead.
Covering her mouth, Lisa stared wordlessly, eyes wide.
"Son of a bitch, " I swore. Without hesitating, I grabbed a stick and pushed the little feathered body aside. When it was out of the way, I started shoving her stuff back into the backpack, trying not to think about dead-bird germs. "Why the hell does this keep-Lis'!"
I leapt over and grabbed her, pulling her away. She had been kneeling on the ground, with her hand outstretched to the dove. I don't think she'd even realized what she was about to do. The instinct in her was sostrong, it acted on its own.
«Lisa,» I said, tightening my hand around hers. She was still leaning toward the bird. "Don't. Don't do it."
"I can save it."
"No, you can't. You promised, remember? Some things have to stay dead. Let this one go. " Still feeling her tension, I pleaded. "Please, Lis'. You promised. No more healings. You said you wouldn't. You promised me."
After a few more moments, I felt her hand relax and her body slump against mine. "I hate this, Rose. I hate all of this."
Natalie walked outside then, oblivious to the gruesome sight awaiting her.
"Hey, do you guys-oh my God! " she squealed, seeing the dove. "What is that?"
I helped Lisa as we rose to our feet. "Another, um, prank."
"Is it…dead? " She scrunched up her face in disgust.
«Yes,» I said firmly.
Natalie, picking up on our tension, looked between the two of us. "What else is wrong?"
"Nothing. "I handed Lisa her backpack. "This is just someone's stupid, sick joke, and I'm going to tell Kirova so they can clean this up."
Natalie turned away, looking a little green. "Why do people keep doing this to you? It's horrible."
Lisa and I exchanged looks.
"I have no idea, " I said. Yet as I walked to Kirova's office, I started to wonder.
When we'd found the fox, Lisa had hinted that someone must know about the raven. I
hadn't believed that. We'd been alone in the woods that night, and Ms. Karp wouldn't have told anyone. But what if someone actually had seen? What if someone kept doing this not to scare her, but to see if she'd heal again? What had the rabbit note said?Iknow what you are.
I didn't mention any of this to Lisa; I figured there were only so many of my conspiracy theories she could handle. Besides, when I saw her the next day, she'd practically forgotten the dove in light of other news: Kirova had given me permission to go on the trip that weekend. The prospect of shopping can brighten a lot of dark situations-even animal murder-and I put my own worries on hold.
Only, when the time came, I discovered my release came with strings attached.
"Headmistress Kirova thinks you've done well since coming back, " Dimitri told me.
"Aside from starting a fight in Mr. Nagy's class?"
"She doesn't blame you for that. Not entirely. I convinced her you needed a break…and that you could use this as a training exercise."
"Training exercise?"
He gave me a brief explanation as we walked out to meet the others going with us. Victor Dashkov, as sickly as ever, was there with his guardians, and Natalie practically barreled into him. He smiled and gave her a careful hug, one that ended when a coughing fit took over. Natalie's eyes went wide with concern as she waited for it to pass.
He claimed he was fine to accompany us, and while I admired his resolve, I thought he'd be putting himself through a lot just to shop with a bunch of teenage girls.
We rode out the two-hour trip toMissoula in a large school van, leaving just after sunrise. Many Moroi lived separately from humans, but many also lived among them, and when shopping at their malls, you had to go during their hours. The back windows of the van had tinted glass to filter the light and keep the worst of it away from the vampires.
We had nine people in our group: Lisa, Victor, Natalie, Camille, Dimitri, me, and three other guardians. Two of the guardians, Ben and Spiridon, always traveled with Victor. The third was one of the school's guardians: Stan, the jerk who'd humiliated me on my first day back.
"Camille and Natalie don't have personal guardians yet, " Dimitri explained to me. "They're both under the protection of their families' guardians. Since they are Academy students leaving campus, a school guardian accompanies them-Stan. I go because I'm Lisa's assigned guardian. Most girls her age wouldn't have a personal guardian yet, but circumstances make her unusual."
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