The Department of Lost & Found
Allison Winn Scotch
For Lizzie. I still hear you roar.
Contents
Round One
September
ONE
TWO
THREE
Round Two
October
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
Round Three
November
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
TEN
Round Four
December
ELEVEN
TWELVE
THIRTEEN
Round Five
January
FOURTEEN
FIFTEEN
Round Six
February
SIXTEEN
SEVENTEEN
EIGHTEEN
Round Seven
March
NINETEEN
TWENTY
Round Eight
April
TWENTY-ONE
TWENTY-TWO
TWENTY-THREE
TWENTY-FOUR
TWENTY-FIVE
Remission
July
TWENTY-SIX
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Praise
Copyright
About the Publisher
ROUND ONE
September
ONE
Dear Diary,
And so I begin. Janice, my cancer therapist, suggested that it might be healthy for me to channel my feelings onto paper instead of channeling them inward and sitting around feeling sorry for myself, which I’ve spent a great deal of time doing in the past few weeks. So I’m going to give this diary thing a shot. Though, really, who can blame me for moping? I was diagnosed with wretched cancer, my boyfriend dumped me, and the office won’t return my calls.
Of course, when Janice suggested this little hobby, I told her I had nothing to write about: My cancer was certainly out—spending hours in a darkened bedroom with a pen in hand mulling over my mortality wasn’t an option. But then, I was lying on my couch staring at the ceiling, hearing the radio but not really listening, when I heard Jake’s voice come over the airwaves. Jake. He of my all-consuming love. He was singing about lost love, and I sunk into the pillows and pulled the chenille throw blanket over my legs and wondered if he were singing about me. When the DJ spun a new song, I sat up with a start. Inspiration.
You see, Diary, in the weeks since Ned up and dumped me, it has occurred to me that I’m not entirely sure what went wrong between us. And when I further pondered this situation, I realized that I wasn’t sure what went wrong in just about all of my prior relationships. And when I pondered this one step more, I realized that I must lack any or all bits of self-awareness. I mean, what sort of person walks away from a relationship and doesn’t even devote a moment to the root of its ending? Sure, I spent time mulling over the ending itself—the overdramatic epitaphs, the wasted tears—but not necessarily the why behind it.
So with that, Diary, I’m off to retrace the steps and missteps of my past: Yes, I’m going to track down the five loves of my life and see what I might glean, who I’ll be, where I’ll end up. Who knows where it will lead? But you’ll be along for the ride, Diary. Wish me luck.
THE ELECTION WAS in six weeks and counting, and admittedly, being out of the action was beginning to take its toll. Ever since law school, I’d only known one thing: work. Higher, stronger, more. Which is how I’d ascended to my pivotal position as the great Senator Dupris’s senior aide. All by the age of thirty, which I turned in early September, just before the world as I know it otherwise imploded.
Before said implosion of my world, I was a woman about town. I’d be parked at my desk by 7:30 A.M., already having run four miles, chatted up the Starbucks barista, and scanned the morning headlines. The next twelve hours would be a blur: The day would be spent cajoling aides, seducing lobbyists, caressing the media, or demolishing anyone who stood in the senator’s way. If I were lucky, in the evenings Ned and I would split Chinese takeout around nineish, and after checking my e-mail one last time, I’d crash on my four-hundred-thread-count sheets, only to start it up all over again the next morning.
Now? Well, here’s an example of what I did today.
8:27 I wake up.
8:28 I consider vomiting, so roll back over onto Ned’s side of the bed and pull my sleep mask back down.
8:31 I can’t ward off the effects of Friday’s chemo treatment any longer, despite my heavy use of the antinausea drugs that Dr. Chin, my oncologist, prescribed, so I rush to the bathroom just off my bedroom and lean over the toilet while my body rebels against the very medicine that’s trying to save it.
8:35 I brush my teeth, wipe the sweat off my brow, and climb back into bed, swearing that I’ve never hated anything more in my life than this cancer, which, if you were privy to several of my professional entanglements, says a lot about my distaste for my current condition.
9:26 The phone rouses me from bed, and I assure Dr. Dorney—well, Zach, I should really call him (or Dr. Horny, as my friend Lila, the one who ended up dating him for a year and a half before unceremoniously dumping him on the grounds that she couldn’t stand dating a man who looked at vaginas for a living, liked to call him)—that I’m fine and don’t need anything, and please to not stop by. I sit up in bed and catch my reflection in the closet mirror on the opposite wall: my matted hair, my three-day-old pajamas, my sallow skin. No, I tell him firmly, you should most definitely not drop by.
10:06 My eyes (and brain, perhaps) glaze over as I become entranced with Bob Barker and his lovely bevy of beauties.
10:11 The antinausea tea that I’ve quickly grown to rely on winds its way through my system, so I nibble on a banana. It’s only been three weeks (or one chemo cycle), and I’ve already lost five pounds.
10:54 Despite feeling rather bulletproof with my Price Is Right expertise, I lose the vacation to the Bahamas and the Ford Thunderbird in the showcase showdown. Now what do I have to live for?
11:02 Time to e-mail Kyle at work.
From: Miller, Natalie
To: Richardson, Kyle
Re: What’s Up with Taylor?
Kyle—
Saw the paper this AM. What’s up with the leaks about Dupris’s tax returns? You know that Councilman Taylor will do anything to win this election and put her out of the job. He’s a slimy bastard—and a state councilman at that! Where does he get off? What are you guys doing for damage control?
—Nat
11:54 I check e-mail.
12:03 I check e-mail.
12:11 I check e-mail.
12:34 I realize that my BlackBerry will alert me to my e-mail, so decide to take a walk.
1:37 The flukishly mild late September air warms my body from within, and as I sit on a bench in Central Park, I’m surprised to discover that I am not overcome with a fit of shivers. The chemo has turned my skin into virtual Saran Wrap, as if the drugs aren’t just killing the lethal cells within me, but eating away at my protective coating as well. I inhale the sunny air while watching a group of new moms “strollercize” in front of me and wonder if I’ll ever have kids. The pit of my stomach rises up, as I remember that Dr. Chin told me that the odds of a Stage III cancer patient maintaining her fertility are not high. I then further remember that the odds of survival aren’t that high, either—about 50/50, give or take—so I push the ruinous, devastating thoughts from my mind and pour my energy into walking the half mile home.
2:07 I finish the banana and become embroiled in the disturbingly weird plotline of the soap opera Passions, which involves a witc
h, a puppet, and a long-lost sister.
3:11 Plodding to my computer, I e-mail myself to ensure that my e-mail and BlackBerry are working properly.
3:24 Nap time.
4:55 The phone once again shakes me awake, and I groggily say hello to Sally, my best friend, who has returned from Puerto Rico, where she is planning to marry next spring. I assure her that I’m feeling fine; I’m just a bit stir-crazy. Senator Dupris mandated that I take time off from work during the first few chemo cycles so that I won’t run myself ragged, but it’s not the cancer that’s killing me, it’s the boredom. Thus my Passions addiction. I fill Sally in on my diary plan and ignore her when she states, “Returning to the scene of the crime is almost always dangerous. I wrote an article on this once, and psychologists say that revisiting history can do more damage than good.” I respond that despite the fact that she is a freelance writer (primarily for women’s magazines) and thus well versed in just about every subject and study known to man, she does not, in fact, know everything, and therefore, I’m planning on completely ignoring her sage counsel. She doesn’t argue, instead saying that if she has to write one more insipid story on lipstick, she’s going to jump off a bridge.
5:12 I pick my cuticles.
5:16 I pick my pimples until my face is both puffy and splotchy.
5:34 I apply a cooling Kiehl’s mask in hopes of undoing the damage of my picking.
6:02 I check e-mail.
6:27 I make Lipton’s Chicken Noodle Cup-a-Soup and sit down on the plush white couch in my living room to watch the evening news.
6:34 My blood pressure palpably rises, and I nearly blow a gasket when Brian Williams introduces a segment on Dupris’s “checkered” tax returns. When I sense that my cheeks are getting unhealthily red, I try to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, as Janice taught me, in an exercise to ward off stress, but discover that I don’t have the patience to count to five on each exhale, so I quickly abandon this so-called calming exercise. Barely hearing the end of the segment, I race, well, move as swiftly as possible under the weight of my blue puffy slippers and terry cloth robe, to my pine desk that overlooks Columbus Avenue and serves as my home office.
6:38 I dash off a semifrantic note to Kyle.
From: Miller, Natalie
To: Richardson, Kyle
Re: Have you seen the Nightly News???????
K—
Haven’t heard back from you. The tax return shit is everywhere. The third story on NBC tonight. What the hell is going on??? Why haven’t you responded??? Does the whole office go to hell when I’m not there??? You need to act on this ASAP.
I’ll be up for a while. Call.
—N
7:11 I rush to the ringing phone on my nightstand and feel a wave of disappointment when Caller ID comes up as my parents, not Kyle. Falling back on my bed, I stare out the side window while I absorb my mother’s daily stoicism masked as a pep talk—that my strong will can beat this disease and even if my grandmother succumbed to it, that I shouldn’t let that affect my attitude and outlook. She’d been offering up these mantras ever since she and my dad headed here from Philly and hunkered down at the Waldorf to nurse me through my first chemo blast, as if tough love were all that I needed to beat cancer. I flatly tell my mother that I wasn’t even thinking of my grandmother at the moment, but thank you for reminding me that this disgusting disease has already put its pox on our family tree.
7:52 Relief washes over me as my mother finally says good-bye. My wave of nausea passes, so I nibble on a semistale bagel.
8:23 I survey the damage of my zit picking in the dim light of my white-tiled bathroom, and then halfheartedly brush my teeth. Why bother? I think. Morning breath is the least of my worries.
8:31 I check e-mail.
8:45 I strip off my cherry red tank top and stare at my breasts in my full-length closet mirror. I stare and I stare and I stare, while I wonder what I did to cause my body to turn against me, to ever deserve this mutiny. I cast my eyes upward and realize that in the blackness of my bedroom, illuminated only from the closet light above, I almost look like an angel.
9:12 I check e-mail. For a faltering moment, I consider adding Ned’s name to the mailing list for the penis enlargement drug I received. Instead, I hit delete.
9:54 I fall asleep on my couch while watching Animal Planet and wondering how it might feel to have an unconditional best friend who smothered my face in slobber even when poll numbers were down, even when I hadn’t showered for three days, and even when my face resembled a pepperoni pizza from Ray’s.
So that’s my day. Sure, just one day, but really not so different from the rest ever since this cancer set up shop. Now be honest, if you were me, wouldn’t you need a hobby, too?
TWO
It all happened very quickly, which is why, I think, I still felt so shell-shocked three weeks after my diagnosis. I mean, one day, I’m prepping the senator to launch a major initiative on birth control, and the next, I’m donning a paper-thin robe, sitting in Dr. Zach’s cloyingly pink-walled examination room, watching his face fall as he feels my right breast and rolls the lump over and back and over again underneath his fingers. So you have to understand that in the span of less than a month, my (disloyal, scum-sucking) boyfriend of two years dumped me (“I can’t handle this” is how he put it, right before I threw a vase at his head, which, surprisingly enough, because he wasn’t much of an athlete, he actually managed to duck); my job, which previously had been my lifeblood, had been pared down to admittedly semidesperate e-mails; and my health, my mortality, something that I’d never even given a flying fig of a thought to, was suddenly in total jeopardy. So it’s not hard to see why I was coming more than slightly undone.
It didn’t help that with nothing much left to do, I had to pack up Ned’s clothes. After finally honing in on the cues that I had no intention of returning a single phone call of his ever again, he resorted to e-mail.
From: Sanderson, Ned
To: Miller, Natalie
Re: My stuff
Natalie,
I understand why you aren’t calling me back. Surely, I could have chosen a better time to tell you the truth about Agnes and I. I’d like to talk about this with you. When you’re ready, please let me know. In the meantime, I need my clothes. Please let me know when I can come by and get them.
Love,
Ned
I sat in front of my computer screen and snorted. Idiot, I thought. It’s “Agnes and me.” Half-wit. How I ever considered dating him, no, loving him, seemed truly beyond the realm of possibility. Because Ned, nonathlete, evident coward, grammar whiz inextraordinaire, was not the man who one might dream of when one dreamt of men. Since he left me two days after discovering the burrowing lump of insidious cells while feeling me up during hohum morning sex, this might go without saying. As if to prove this point, I took a sip of my chamomile tea and hit reply to his e-mail. I’ll show you how ready I am.
I swirled the lukewarm tea around in my mouth and clicked my mouse to insert a table into the blank white space underneath the e-mail header. On the left side, I typed “why I loved you,” and on the right, “why I didn’t.”
-Idiot
-Makes a lot of money at a job that a chimpanzee can do
-Tendency to stare too long in the mirror to the point of vanity
-Not good-looking enough to have the right to pull off above behavior
-Your moles
-Boring—I never missed not having dinner with you because it was a snoozefest
- Tiny penis (note to readers: this isn’t necessarily true, but surely, he didn’t know that)
-Amazing ability to drop your blue-blooded family’s name into any conversation with important people
-Insecure twit
And that was just the right-hand column.
In the left, I put a question mark, but conceded that we had, indeed, dated for two years, so that didn’t seem entirely fair. So instead, I hit the delete key and wrote:
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-Has good decorating taste
-Makes decent pancakes
Both of the characteristics were true. When we first moved in—actually, when Ned moved in with me, which is why I was the one who got to kick him out—Ned didn’t rest until our one-bedroom was sharp enough to nearly be photographed for Architectural Digest. Ebony floors. Rich leather headboard. Deep crimson foyer. And yes, he did make a mean weekend breakfast. On the rare Saturdays when I was in town and he wasn’t toiling away as a vice president at Goldman Sachs, he’d wake up before me and serve up the most perfect silver-dollar pancakes that a girl could ever dream of.
Department of Lost and Found Page 1
