by Drew Magary
Welcome home, my friend. This is your own private Xanadu. Don’t forget to wipe your feet before coming in!
I’m just kidding. It’s your house. You don’t have to wipe jack shit.
ATRIUM. Every mansion needs a gigantic atrium, or foyer. An atrium lets guests know that your house is, in addition to being big on the outside, big on the inside. Be sure to get marble floors installed, or do a tile mosaic of your jersey number. If you’re single, or estranged from your wife, I also suggest having random women in bikinis and high heels milling about. You also may want to place a house directory in your lobby, so you know where to go if you really gotta pee.
GLASS ELEVATOR. Ever been to a mall? Glass elevators rule.
Sturdy wrought-iron gates help protect you from potential groundlings!
DUAL ESCALATORS. A refreshing alternative to the glass elevator for those who want to get a little exercise. Also fun for children to play on.
PROFESSIONAL CHEF KITCHEN. Complete with butcher block, All-Clad pots and pans, Viking oven and range, Sub-Zero fridge, and more. Now, you too can be a yuppie asshole who owns a $500,000 kitchen and orders takeout every night.
ARCADE. Please invite me over if you have Cyberball.
MOAT WITH MAN-EATING CROCODILES. Security is paramount to you, the professional athlete. So why not do it with a little flair?
DRAWBRIDGE TO CROSS MOAT WITH MAN-EATING CROCODILES.
GAME RESERVE. I won’t lie. These can be rather costly to maintain. But nothing beats the thrill of watching your South African springboks being eaten by your Siberian tigers.
HEDGE MAZE. Just make sure this is partitioned off from the game reserve. Mazes aren’t as fun with angry polar bears stalking through them.
MASTER BEDROOM. I suggest buying a sleigh bed. It adds a Christmassy touch to all your fucking.
MASTER BATH. A stripper pole in the bedroom is so passé. Why not put one in your dual shower? It only adds to the danger.
SIX-HUNDRED-SQUARE-FOOT WALK-IN CLOSET.
WALK-IN CLOSET FOR WALK-IN CLOSET.
MEDIA ROOM. I’ll be honest: the other thirty-seven rooms in your house are largely irrelevant. You get yourself a 347" HD set, a Blu-ray player, the entire Sam Peckinpah filmography on disc, a Wii, a satellite dish, a Bang & Olufsen stereo, a wet bar, a regulation snooker table, and a big fucking sectional sofa, and you may as well leave the rest of the joint empty.
ART GALLERY. This classes up the house. I would suggest limiting the number of paintings of you to three or fewer. There’s a difference between healthy narcissism and unhealthy narcissism, you know. If you play offensive line, I suggest commissioning Botero for all your family portraits.
INFINITY POOL. The water just falls off the side! How does it do that?
LIVING ROOM. You will never use this. But, if you are married, your wife will demand at least one cold, uncomfortable, formal room in the house. No one will want to spend more than five minutes in this godforsaken room. Avoid it if possible. You can actually feel the stick being inserted into your ass when you enter it.
DINING ROOM. Same with this room. The only purpose it serves is to get your home featured in Town & Country.
HELIPAD. If you can, try to have your helipad located on the roof of your house. That way, every time you leave, you can imagine yourself making a daring escape from a Hanoi POW camp.
BI-LEVEL, EIGHTEEN-CAR GARAGE. Be sure to park only seventeen cars here. The last space can be used for old boots, broken children’s toys, gardening tools, and dead bodies.
DAY CARE CENTER. You gotta put the kids somewhere. By placing a day care center in your home, you can spend time at home with your kids without having to spend any time near them.
INDOOR SHOOTING RANGE. Indoor shooting ranges provide hours of enjoyment, especially if you turn off all the lights and play in “scuffle mode.”
GLASS CEILINGS. A staple of some of the world’s top-ranked strip clubs, glass ceilings will turn your home into one giant upskirt viewing hall. Also, you can break through the glass ceiling if you ever feel like acting out a metaphor.
WAVE POOL. Two giant water turbines are needed to create the eight-foot waves that shoot out from this pool. But you didn’t buy a mansion just to worry about petty stuff like your ConEd bill. Or insurance. Or property taxes. Or maintenance. In fact, those additional costs probably never occurred to you at all. So crank that bitch up.
RECORDING STUDIO. Many athletes’ home recording studios are soundproofed. If you’ve ever heard former Yankee Jack McDowell’s music, you know why.
GUEST HOUSE. Smart homeowners know how insufferable most houseguests can be. That’s why housing them in an entirely different mansion and never interacting with them is optimal. It’s also a great place to house the children once adolescence hits.
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DID YOU KNOW?
The laws inside your home are exactly the same as the laws that govern international waters. Or so I assume.
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Of course, these are merely suggestions. You may come up with all sorts of cool ideas that will allow your house to reflect your personal tastes: putting greens, vineyards, hostage pits, and things of that nature. The only limit is your imagination. Or, if you have no imagination, the imagination of your interior designer.
And be sure to name your estate. Jayson Williams once named his New Jersey property “Who Knew?”, as in, “Who Knew I’d Blow Away My Limo Driver with a Shotgun and Then Try to Cover It Up?”
Trophies that move! Choosing a car.
Luxury homes are impressive. The problem with luxury homes is that they aren’t mobile (except in Arkansas). You have to bring people to your house in order to show it off. That’s not enough. You need to let people know that you live a grotesquely opulent lifestyle while on the go as well. And that’s where your ride comes in. Remember: your life is a victory parade. And your car is your float.
Or, should I say, floats? One car, of course, isn’t enough for most athletes. You can’t just drive one expensive car around all the time. Then people would assume you only have enough money to buy that one expensive car. A much better rule of thumb is to buy one car for every million dollars that you earn. At a minimum, you’re going to want to own seven cars. After all, seven cars means seven times the fun, especially when it comes to emissions testing!
So, ready to drive? Let’s go through each class of vehicle. You’re gonna need at least one of each of the following.
SUV
Your SUV will likely be your main traveling car. And expect to travel a lot, since your new luxury home is forty miles away from the nearest urban center. An SUV is good because it can fit all your friends, all your equipment, and 60 percent of your children. And it can do so without the giant pussy stigma of a van or a station wagon. Warning: SUVs are notorious for getting low gas mileage. So I suggest having a lackey fill up the tank for you, to avoid sticker shock.
Suggested Models: Cadillac Escalade, Lincoln Navigator, Hummer H2, Chevy Tahoe, Chevy Suburban, GMC Yukon, Ford Excursion, Sherman Tank
Sports Car
Perfect for nights out with a lady. Nothing turns a woman on more than a really fast car. So hit the highway and floor it. Hit 80, 90, 100. Watch her moan in ecstasy as the wind blows through her hair. Slip your hand between your girl’s thighs and move higher and higher as you go faster and faster. Don’t stop. Don’t you dare stop, you fucking hot rod, you. Cops in the rearview? Oh, that just makes it an even bigger turn-on, baby. Hit 150, 160, 170. Floor it until your woman can’t take it anymore and jumps on top of you, attacking you like a tiger unleashed. Now your pelvic thrusts can be measured only in RPMs. Orgasm simultaneously as the car spins out of control and you roll down a steep embankment, leaving you broken and bloody in each other’s arms.
God, I want a Porsche so badly.
Suggested Models: Ferrari GT, Porsche Carrera, Corvette, Dodge Viper, Lamborghini Diablo (Note: Don’t get an Audi TT. Remember: that’s name redacted-blackline’_______s ca
r.)
Luxury Sedan
Perfect for formal occasions, a luxury sedan lets people know you are now a man of taste and elegance. I suggest hiring a driver and sitting in the back. It totally makes you feel like Bruce Wayne.
Suggested Models: BMW 7 Series, Mercedes S600, Bentley Continental Flying Spur (now with 30 percent more engine trouble!)
Pickup Truck
Preferred vehicle for Southern white athletes who want to let fans know they ain’t turned city folk. Pickup trucks are made for the kinda guy who lets his Labrador ride shotgun. The kinda guy who lives to hunt and fish. The kinda guy who still thinks sushi is weird and disgusting. The kinda guy who listens to Bob Seger. In short, the kinda guy who’s a pretentious, red-state asshole.
Suggested Models: Ford F-150, Chevy Avalanche, GMC Sierra (Note: I’ll be damned if I’m putting a Toyota Tundra or some other kinda Jap truck on this here list.)
Vintage Car
Vintage cars are great because you can send them in to be refurbished and then take credit for all the work. Why, you can even take it to a vintage car show. It’s like a comic book convention for rich people! One other thing: if the film Better Off Dead is any indication, restoring a vintage car can really help win over a sneakily hot French exchange student.
Suggested Models: Chevy Camaro, Ferrari GT California, Studebaker
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
$1,192,057
The most expensive car you can buy on the market today is the Bugatti Veyron, which retails for $1,192,057. It has a top speed of 253 mph and goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. But it can’t time travel, which I find rather disappointing.
Motorcycle
You may have a contract clause with your team that forbids you to ride motorcycles. But if you’re like Ben Roethlisberger and lack the ability to retain knowledge, that won’t matter. Nothing beats owning a crotch rocket that turns your commute into one kickass game of Excitebike. I suggest going with a high-performance Italian or Japanese bike. Many of these bikes aren’t even street legal. But who buys a motorcycle to obey traffic laws? And the helmet? Ditch it. True, a helmet can save your life. But getting in a chopper accident usually results in injuries such as severe burns and paralysis. Trust me: you don’t want to live through any of that horrible shit. A helmet protects you from injury, but not wearing a helmet protects you from having to suffer through injury. See how much better the latter is?
Suggested Models: Kawasaki Ninja, Ducati Monster
Buying your new car is, of course, only the beginning. You’re going to want to outfit your car with any number of options that help drive up its insurance premium and make it more attractive to car thieves. Some athletes, like the late Eddie Griffin, even have a DVD player with porn available for driver’s-side viewing. If you get this feature, I strongly urge you to also invest in an E-Z Pass. It’s just common sense.
What are your thoughts on mustard? Choosing your wardrobe and jewelry.
Athletes used to dress in no-frills apparel such as T-shirts and jeans. But fashion-forward mavens like Michael Jordan, along with David Stern’s somewhat ironic affinity for Fascist dress codes, have made today’s athletes more conscious of personal style. You’re a professional now. It’s important to dress the part because it makes people think that you take your job seriously, even if you do not. This is a strategy that has worked wonders on Wall Street for years. Those guys get paid oceans of money, and I swear all they do is take Japanese clients to Scores and get ass shitfaced at steak houses. You see, wearing a nice suit gives you that much more leeway to be a total prick. I wrote this entire book while wearing a suit, and I think it really shows.
But you shouldn’t dress nicely just for superficial purposes. Wearing the right clothes can help enhance your own self-image. When you look the part of a superstar, you’re more likely to assume the confidence of a superstar, and therefore you will play better. And if there’s one thing professional athletes need, it’s an ego boost. Plus, if you rock a suit without any underwear, it can make you feel all tingly down under. Trust me. When you get some Egyptian cotton lightly swishing back and forth across the glans of your penis, there’s no possible way you can have a bad day.
Below are some ideas for your new wardrobe, along with some suggested accessories. Now, fashion trends change by the season, of course. And each fashion season actually takes place nine months prior to the actual season. If it’s fall 2009, that means it’s summer 2010 on Seventh Avenue. Are you still wearing empire waists? Ugh. That is so winter 2008. God, you’re hopeless.
Fall
It’s all about earth tones here. A brown, pinstriped shirt with matching argyle sweater vest makes an inviting complement to all those footballs flying through the air. The jeans? Mavi. Now, $200 for a pair of jeans may sound ostentatious, but you should see what they do for your ass. Makes it feel just like a boxing glove. Top it off with a tweed page-boy cap and cream scarf and you’ve got an outfit that screams, “I’m warm, friendly, and occasionally playful!” It’s the kind of outfit Kobe Bryant wore for one hundred consecutive days after his rape trial was over.
Winter
PETA may not like the idea of a full-length mink coat. But I love what it does for your shoulders. Very regal. It’s the kind of thing Genghis Khan would have worn had he played linebacker (and ancient texts say that this was indeed the case).
Spring
Colors! Don’t be afraid of bright colors! They don’t make you look gay. They just make you look bright and extroverted, two qualities gays have had a monopoly on for far too long. Spring is a time of hope and joy, where fresh daydreams of pitchers and catchers sprinting onto the field blossom anew. Why not incorporate that feeling in your outfits? Unless you play for the Royals, in which case I suggest you wear all black.
Summer
You can beat the heat without resorting to tank tops and the occasional Canadian grape smuggler. It’s all about breathable fabrics. Rock a crisp linen suit with matching Gucci slides, and nary a bead of sweat will cross your visage. Unbutton those top buttons on your shirt. Hit a hot LA nightclub. Stroll out onto the terrace. Catch the eye of that girl in the orange sarong nearby. Share a flirty giggle. Buy her a fruity drink. Then take her back to your private cabana. It’s a scene right out of a Skyy Vodka ad, and it’s the same sexual fantasy I have at least twice a week. That can totally be your life, man!
Accessories
Many athletes make the mistake of overindulging in accessories, and it can have serious repercussions. What Jacob the Jeweler won’t tell you about that diamond-encrusted Rolex with matching scepter is that you will need Tommy John surgery after one year of wearing it. Shaquille O’Neal owns a necklace with so much ice that, to this day, he still attributes all of his back problems to it. It’s a convenient way for him to avoid diet and exercise. I suggest going with the classic diamond stud earrings. They let women know you’re rich, but they also let women know that you probably have money left over to spend on them, and they really dig that in a man.
One other note on religious jewelry. Many people decry ostentatious religious symbols. They say it’s against the teachings of Christ. Wrong. As a Christian, it’s your job to spread the word of Jesus throughout the land. The bigger and more noticeable your piece of jewelry, the louder it will speak to the masses. That 300-carat carved ruby cross around your neck is like a giant billboard for God’s majesty. It says to people, “I’m Christian, and I am a disgusting success.” Is that spreading God’s word? Fuck and yes. Who wouldn’t want to accept Jesus into their lives after seeing how well it pays off? Plus, you could use the argument that doing such a great service to the Lord makes you exempt from tithing your salary. Now that’s putting the “God” in “gaudy.”
The ultimate get-rich-quick scheme: a guide to free agency.
How much money can you earn over the life span of your career? You might think it depends on how good of an athlete you are. Not so. It’s really just a matter of good timing. Even a me
diocre athlete can earn tens of millions of dollars simply by playing the free agent market correctly. You no doubt have a clause in your current contract that allows you to opt out for free agency early if you choose. EXERCISE IT. I don’t care if you’re the worst player in the history of the universe. The fact that you are merely available to other teams can increase your salary by 200 percent or more.
HEAR IT FROM A MINOR LEAGUER!
Maybe I’ll live like a pro one day, too! Oh, God. It’s never gonna happen, is it? Shit.
by minor leaguer Ray Johnson
Man, look at you! You got a bigass house, and all those cars, and a freaking speedboat! That is so cool. I can’t wait to party with you when I reach the big leagues, man. It’s gonna be awesome. When I get up there, man, I’m gonna buy all kinds of cool shit. I’m gonna buy my mom a house, then I’m gonna set up my sisters so they don’t ever have to work again. Then, I’m gonna buy a little condo on South Beach, just for chillin’ in the off-season. We’re gonna party, man. It’s gonna be so fucking cool. We’ll compare jewelry, hang out at expensive clubs together, get laid. It’s gonna be great.
Really.
I’m super excited.
I can’t wait.
(sighs)
Oh, God.
(buries head in hands)
Dear God, it’s never gonna happen for me, is it? I’m never getting out of Boise, am I? I’ll never make it to the big leagues. Ever.
(chokes up)
Shit, man.
I mean, really. Jesus. Shit.
