by D. N. Hoxa
“Why the hell would I say that?” I said, smiling halfheartedly.
“Because of me.”
“Says who?”
“You did,” he said.
“I did?” I laughed dryly. I would’ve never said something like that…would I?
“That’s what I’m saying. You did,” he repeated. Like I was going to fall for that…
Of course I was going to fall for that! I mean, the look on the guy’s face said it all. I couldn’t bring myself to speak. His words hurt me. I felt betrayed by my own self.
I wasn’t supposed to want this. I wasn’t supposed to want life. I wasn’t supposed to fall for a monster.
Hammer was there, in front of me, begging me with his eyes to say something. Anything. And I saw no monster there. Just a man. A desperate man. And that made me feel even guiltier.
When had my mind changed? When did I start thinking that I didn’t want to die?
I knew when. It was the first time I’d asked Hammer how he was going to kill me. I knew it when he didn’t answer me.
And it was all his fault.
“It’s all your fault,” I hissed.
Tears gathered in my eyes. I hated this so much. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. But he put both hands on my cheeks and made me look up at him. I had no choice.
“We can run,” he whispered.
“What?” I said, dumbfounded. “What are you saying? We can't run! You have to find my Lord. And Chandra. She’s your mate…”
“I don’t care about anyone else right now. I haven’t—even for my own self—for a while,” he said in a breath, as if the opportunity was going to disappear from him and he’d never get to speak again.
“Hammer, this is wrong…” I knew where he was going. He thought that we…that he and I could…
But we couldn’t! I was supposed to die. To want to die and be happy about it.
“It’s isn’t wrong. It’s far from wrong, because nothing feels more right. Damn it, Morta, you’re all I’ve been living for from the day I found you,” he hissed as if the words pained him more than I could imagine. But I did imagine because the same words were hurting me more.
“Hammer, I have to die.”
My voice sounded stronger than I expected it to. This wasn’t going to end well if I let it go too far. My chest hurt from the ice shards that were making it hard for me to breathe. Because his words were so beautiful, so right and so full of life. And life was what I shouldn’t have wanted.
“No, you don’t. You just have yourself convinced that you do, because you think you’re a monster,” he insisted, a small, sad smile touching his lips.
“I am a monster!” Was he blind?
“You’re far from anything evil, Morta. I wish you could see that.”
“Hammer, please…” I was ready to beg for him to let it go. To just leave me in my misery. It was so much better when I didn’t hear those words of his. My brain didn’t have anything to hold on to when thoughts of living crossed my mind. And now it had.
“Morta, look at me,” he said and gently pulled my chin up. I could barely see him from the pools of tears that had formed in my eyes. Tears I refused to shed. “What is it that you feel in here?” He touched my chest. “Don’t lie to me, please. What do you feel?”
I knew what he meant. And I knew damn well I couldn’t lie to him. But I couldn’t tell him, either.
How do you answer a question you have no clue of yourself? I couldn’t just tell him that through my whole life, nothing had ever made me feel so brave and alive, so ready to face all my fears, than his presence. I couldn’t tell him that I liked it when he held me. And that when he kissed me, it was the best thing that had ever happened in my life. How pathetic would that sound? So I went with another truth, one I had no difficulty putting into words.
“I feel like I want to kick your ass three times a day,” I mumbled, looking down at my lap though my face was still in his hands.
“And?” he asked. I heard the smile in his voice, so I looked up at him again. His beautiful eyes felt like they were calling my name. Calling the answers right out of me.
“When you kissed me, I…I felt like…”
“Like standing in sunlight again,” he whispered.
Damn it, he nailed it. The corners of my lips tugged up all by themselves. He looked at me, so thoroughly searching my eyes that I could hear the answer speaking from his body language, the way he stiffened and then leaned forward, and then leaned back again.
I remembered the day he kissed me. I remembered it like it had happened right that second.
I also remembered that I told him to never do it again.
What the hell was wrong with me?
“I didn’t really mean it when I…” That was as far as I got.
His lips crashed against mine with such speed, such hunger that I forgot how to breathe. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I pulled him, thinking, how the hell did I survive without this taste for so long? He was right, it was like sunshine. Like a million sunrays bathing my cold body, relaxing my mind and suffocating my fears. And when I felt his wet tongue slide on the surface of my lips, a small cry escaped me. I’d never imagined it to be like this. The kiss was a thousand volts of electricity wrapped in our mouths, going back and forth from one to the other. I parted my lips to let him in and felt his tongue touch mine, caress it, and I did the same.
His hands went under my ass, and he pulled me to my knees and against his chest. He kept me there so securely, as if he thought I was going to move away any second. I wish he knew what he did to me. Not only to my body, but to my mind as well. Everything was the way it was supposed to be when my lips were locked with his.
“Run away with me…” he breathed in between our kisses.
I couldn’t believe the emotions that coursed through me. I burned everywhere, especially in between my thighs. Especially when I felt his erection against my stomach.
But the strangest thing, my heart had picked up the beating. I was chased by vampires, killed vampires, was chased by lions, ran from lions, spent hours in the middle of a foreign city surrounded by humans, and yet my heart never sped up. Ever.
“Hammer…” I called his name, because that was all I could think of. I was possessed by him. Everything was about him. Hammer in my mind, on my lips, in my chest and in my stomach, and down to my curled toes.
“Please, Morta. Run away with me,” he said again. And in that moment, while he kissed me so passionately it was almost painful to bear, I wanted to say yes.
Screw everyone. I could drink off people. I could learn how to do it like Hammer. As long as I had him, everything was possible.
And that was dangerous.
Pulling away from him was physically painful. My chest hurt like a ton of pointy rocks had been thrown at it. He didn’t let me move away. He just gave me enough space to speak. Space I hated once I found his eyes, glossy and filled with a rich chocolate instead of his usual amber. He looked down at me, and his face said what words could never describe properly.
“I don’t want to end up a monster for eternity,” I whispered.
His beautiful lips smiled, and he touched mine with his fingers.
“You won’t turn into a monster for all eternity.”
“But our deal?”
“Our deal was that if you help me find Everard, I’d have to…” his eyes closed, and he rested his forehead to mine. I reached out and touched his flawless cheek. “I’m not going to do it, Morta,” he said, leaning against my hand.
I knew very well what he meant. He wasn’t going to kill me. It shouldn’t have, but it made me smile widely. It made me so freaking happy that I had to double check and see if I got it right.
“If we never find Everard, our deal would never begin,” he whispered and gave me a warm kiss on my parted lips.
“But I swore to help you,” I reminded him, though I wanted nothing more than to take his word for it and run. Run like mad, to the end of the
world, Africa, anywhere, and be with him. Forever.
“We never put a clock on it. We never said when,” he said, kissing my eyelids and continuing down to my temples, cheeks, jaw. My knees gave when he put his tongue inside my ear and blew at the same time. He spiked my every nerve ending, and I cried out loud. He growled against my neck, and it just made my lust-infused thoughts more vivid, of having him above me, invading all of my space, leaving not even air in between us. I wanted to be wrapped on all sides by him.
“But what if it happens? I…oh, God!” I breathed, my throat dry with desire, so much desire that I felt like it was leaking from my pores. “Hammer…”
“Don’t ask me to stop, Morta. I’ve been waiting for too long to hold you like this,” he whispered against my skin, blowing a kiss after every word.
“Oh, no! No…” Of course I didn’t want him to stop. I held on to him even tighter. I never wanted him to stop.
He lifted me in his arms before he gently put me down on the floor. I didn’t feel if it was hard or dirty or cold. I only felt the weight of his entire length on me. My legs parted to make him more comfortable, and when I felt him against my very center, sounds I never knew I had stored inside me left my mouth in a rush.
“I don’t…I don’t want to be…a monster…” I said in between kissing him like I didn’t know I could. I knew exactly how to put my hands on his face and practically push my fingernails in his skin to hold him to me.
“You won’t be. I promise you. You won’t be a monster. Ever,” he said breathlessly before he sealed my lips again.
My legs wrapped around his hips, and he growled again. I couldn’t believe how consumed I was by him. I sucked on his lips and tongue until I was sure my jaw would fall off. Then, I remembered.
“I almost bit you,” I said and cringed. Just the thought of…
Hammer laughed. “You can bite me all you like.”
“But my venom…” I’d seen what it had done to those vampires.
“Only your vampire teeth let out venom. Your normal teeth are exactly like they were when you were human.”
“In that case…” I bit his lip as hard as I could without tearing it completely off, and it felt amazing.
“Thank God I found you, Morta,” he whispered, and my chest exploded. He had no clue what his words did to me. I hated him for being so innocent in all this, in sucking the feelings out of me. “Thank God I followed you that night,” he said breathlessly, but he never stopped kissing me. He never stopped taking what I wanted to—and didn’t want to—give.
Up until that moment, I hadn’t realized how many of my walls had crumbled down. I hadn’t realized just how little there was still left for Hammer to break completely through. The physical pleasure sure helped him on his way to completely conquer me. And when he pushed his hands under my shirt, it was all I could do not to melt away into his arms.
His touch reminded me of lightning. It was beautiful, loud and filled me with bright light and electricity. I breathed into him, unable to do anything but feel him.
“Hammer…” I breathed, as if I needed to say his name to prove to myself that this was real. What I needed to do was finally accept that there was nothing wrong with this. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting me.
“I-I…I’ve never done this before,” I said, eager to finish the sentence and dive into the kiss again. But he stopped and looked at me like a man mad with desire. It was so fucking thrilling to know that I’d put that look on his face.
“I don’t want to do anything you might regret tomorrow,” he said.
“I won’t regret it,” I said, shaking my head.
He sighed and brought his forehead to rest on mine.
“Good, because you feel better than a spring morning sunray on my face,” he said with a huge smile.
“Is this real?” I asked in half a whisper.
I didn’t want to come off weak and pathetic in front of him, but I’d just felt myself give him bits and pieces of my soul.
“God, I hope so. It would suck if this is all just a dream,” he said, grabbing my bottom lip between his teeth.
“I can’t believe you…” I started, but I made myself stop. I really couldn’t believe that this beautiful, sexy, fearless, stronger than rock vampire could actually say all those things to me.
“Believe it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before. Ever.” I couldn’t believe that, either.
“Why? I mean, why me? I’ve done nothing but be rude to you. I’ve never even properly thanked you for all the countless times you saved me. I fight with you whenever I’m talking to you. Just…why?”
I was really just trying to wrap my brain around all of it.
“Because of all those things you mentioned. Because you’re pure enough to remind me what it was like to be human again. That’s priceless to me, Morta,” he said and gave me another kiss, this one as if to say thank you. “Because you don’t put up with my shit. Even when you’re scared to hell, you never give up. I admire that the most about you. You never give up. Not even against lions.” He laughed. “And since I’m being completely honest, I’m going to say what I said when you woke up. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I’ve had quite a long ever. I don’t think you even realize how sexy you are.” He kissed me furiously. “I would’ve gone mad if I had to wait a day longer to kiss you like this.”
“I’m going to tell you that you just left me speechless, and I have nothing to say to all that,” I said, smiling so much that my cheeks hurt. They weren’t used to that kind of stretching. But my eyes closed and I inhaled deeply. And I thought, so this is what living feels like…
It was beautiful.
“No, no. Not so fast. Look at me,” Hammer said and touched the tip of his nose to mine. “It’s your turn now,” he said. “Why me?”
And he grinned. He didn’t really want to ask me. He just wanted me to feel so embarrassed, I’d catch fire and burn a hole through the ground beneath me. I shook my head.
“Come on, give me something!” he said, blowing kisses all over my face, making me laugh hysterically. Wow, it was freaking magical.
“Okay, okay. I’ll try. But don’t expect me to say all…that.” I wasn’t going to even try to meet the standards that his words just set. They were surreal. “Because you take care of me. I never ask you…I push you away as hard as I can, but you’re always there, and you still take care of me. Because you’re the only one who’s ever taught me what living really means. Because you never let me go,” I whispered. It was the best I could give him.
“Morta…”he breathed my name and took my lips again. This kiss was different. Just as potent, but slower, gentler, almost painful. It rocked my head from bottom to top to feel his warm lips slide against mine, our bodies move in the same rhythm, desire stitching together every word we said.
“I will never let you go, Morta.” It was a promise.
“Really?” I whispered and held my breath until he spoke again.
“Really. I promise you. I will never, ever let you go. No matter what happens tomorrow, after ten years, even after a century. I will never let you go.”
That was the moment I knew I had no piece of my heart left for me. I’d given it all to him. Maybe through the days we’d spent together. Maybe through the fights. Maybe in the last hour while he lay on top of me and kissed me, making me feel like a woman for the first time in my life.
It didn’t matter. What mattered was that that second, I knew about it. It was clear. And I accepted it.
Too bad tears spilled and rolled down my cheeks. But Hammer kissed me and they got lost somewhere in the whirlwind of emotions that were rocking my body.
I was ready to be completely devoured by him. I’d waited long enough for life to happen, and now that I had it, I wanted it all, and I wanted it immediately. My muscles clenched at the thought of losing my virginity. Finally. I never thought I’d see the day.
And then we heard steps.
Hammer stopped the second I pushed my palms against his chest. He didn’t jump off me, but he stayed as silent as the night to listen.
“Bugz,” he finally said in relief. A series of very nasty curse words escaped under my breath. Hammer laughed against my cheek.
“Don’t worry, amor. We have all the time in the world now,” he said, and with another nerve-racking kiss, he stood up. He pulled me up, too, and I had to take a few seconds to hold on to him until I could regain my balance. His kisses and his words…combined, they were a force to be reckoned with.
“What the hell is going on here!”Bugz shouted and didn’t even bother to make it a question. Or knock. The door flew open and I tried to move away, but Hammer grabbed my arm and held me right next to him.
“Oh, no,” Bugs said once she was in front of us, throwing her hands to the side with a pained expression on her face. “Don’t tell me you’ve already had sex.”
She flinched. It felt like I burned bright red, but Hammer only laughed.
“Oh, boy. Not in here, did you?!”
She stood on the tips of her toes, slowly backing away to the door, looking at the floor as if it was filthier than it really was.
“Mind your own goddamn business!” I hissed, my hands pulled to fists at my side. She couldn’t have chosen a worst moment to come here.
“I am! You may not be, but Hammer here is my friend.”
“Bugz, I thought we talked about this,” Hammer said laughing.
“I know, but I didn’t think you were serious,” Bugz said, leaning against the broken doorframe.
“I specifically told you I was serious,” Hammer said and rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, okay, fine. Whatever. So what now, I’m going to be the third wheel? I don’t like that very much.”
“I told you before, you are not the third wheel,” Hammer said.
“Yeah, right after Chandra.” Bugz frowned. At the mere mentioning of Hammer’s ex-mate, I grew angry.
“Bugz, we’re not going to Brazil,” Hammer said and pulled me under his shoulder.
“If you’re going to spend all of your night smooching and snuggling, I might as well…wait, what?” She stopped abruptly.
