“Food booze or both sunshine?” he asked.
“Both!” I called back over the din.
“Usual?” He asked.
“Yeah!” I shouted back and he set to work drawing me a Strong Bow and punching my order for fish and chips into the system. He gave me his winning grin, plunked the cider in front of me and wandered off to do what he did best, serve drinks and flirt his tips into the stratosphere with the ladies.
Too bad for them he was a happily engaged man to his one and only love… Simon. My phone chimed in my ears that it had received a text but before I could check arms went around me and Roxy was huffing her large frame onto the stool beside me. Her hair was dyed black with red, as in fire engine red, highlights and framed her face in a short do, a fringe of perfectly cut straight bangs fringed above her brown eyes. She smiled up at me through her rectangular black framed glasses and heaved out a sigh. She wore a hooded sweatshirt over a black blouse and ankle length black flowing skirt that was her trademark weekly attire.
“Tough day at the office?” I asked over the crowd, shoving my headphones away in my purse to join my phone. She made a face.
“Got your message!” she deflected and I laughed.
“Sorry about last night,” I started but she waved me off.
“Next Thursday.” She leveled me with her gaze and I held up two fingers in the Boy Scout salute.
“Next Thursday!” I affirmed.
“Did you get any sleep?” she asked frowning, looking me over. Tony set down her usual drink in front of her and she shot him a grateful look, blowing him a kiss. He laughed and moved down to the other end of the bar.
“Yes and no.” I told her about my little sleep walking episode, the abridged version, of course.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “What do you think that was about?
“I have no idea. Jared thinks its stress.” At his name she scowled.
“That’s the creeper right?” she asked. I rolled my eyes.
“He’s not a creeper! He’s interested, I’m not and he hasn’t done anything to make me overtly uncomfortable yet.” It was her turn to roll her eyes.
“Do you hear yourself?” she asked.
“What?” I exclaimed.
“Yet, he hasn’t done anything to make you overtly uncomfortable yet! I’m telling you, if he makes you uncomfortable and you really think there needs to be a ‘yet’ then you aren’t paying attention! You need to say something to whoever is above his head before something happens and it’s too late!” She took a drink of her girly concoction and raised her eyebrows at me above the rim of her glass. I took a large swallow of my cider.
“I don’t have anything I can really go to anyone about Roxy. Maybe he’s just a friendly guy? He’s an academic, and we’re notorious for our shit interpersonal skills, social awkwardness is par for the course!” She raised one eyebrow, made a face, and then changed the subject.
“So what are you doing tonight?” she asked.
“Dinner with you then I’m taking myself home, to sleep. I feel exhausted.” I took another swallow of Cider as Tony set my fish and chips in front of me.
“Your dark circles have dark circles,” Roxy remarked, “Might not be a bad idea for you to sleep in tomorrow.” She gave me a pointed look.
“I think I’m going to, but I hate skipping my run.” I mock pouted.
“Skip it girlfriend, if I could give you some of this I would, you look like you could use it.” She patted her ample middle and shook my head at her, but couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Self-deprecating though it might be, Roxy knew how to deliver her humor.
“I’m not that skinny.” I protested, and it was true, you couldn’t count my ribs or see the knobs of my spine or anything like that.
“You’re not on the holocaust diet like some of these other bitches but you could still use some extra padding. It’s cold here in the winter!” I gave an incredulous laugh at her audacity and ate my dinner, listening dutifully as she gave me a play by play of the poetry slam the night before. It sounded like it had been pretty good. I was sorry I’d missed it… especially sorry because of my detour to crazyville.
Finally, exhausted and satiated for food, drink and company I paid my tab and bid my friend fare well and went off in search of my bed. I could barely keep my eyes open by the time I shambled onto the elevator and truthfully, I just dropped all my crap inside my door, stripped out of my boots and let myself fall into my bed fully clothed.
Chapter 6
“I was in the kitchen, the knife slipped.” I repeated for the thousandth time since coming to the Emergency Room.
The doctor suturing my wrist looked up at me as if she didn’t believe me but my story had not changed since arriving. They kept asking me if I had any suicidal thoughts and though I was distressed I remained firm that no, no one had done this to me and that no, I hadn’t done it to myself intentionally either. I told them, I was in the kitchen cutting an avocado when the knife had slipped… but it wasn’t true.
The last thing I remembered was falling into bed still fully dressed the night before. The next I knew I was standing at my kitchen sink, bloody knife in the sink, watching blood drip onto the stainless steel. I had been horrified, wrapped the injured appendage in a dish towel and rushed downstairs where I had hailed a cab.
The cut had been deep enough to require a few stitches and had bled a lot, but had not damaged anything important, the tendons and nerves were safe, as were all the major veins and arteries. I stared at the top of the doctors head while she did her work. Truthfully needles freaked me the Hell out, made me squeamish, so this was not my idea of a good time.
I had been here several hours and all I wanted was to go home, what I didn’t expect was Roxanne to show up all dressed up with a date on her heels looking frantic.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed and turned around looking woozy. I blinked owlishly at the back of her head.
“What are you doing here?” I blurted.
“I’m your emergency contact!” she exclaimed then blurted “What did you do!?” her date was staring at my wrist in fascination, I took in his black attire and frilly shirt and sighed inwardly. Goth, probably a vampire groupie type at that.
“I was in the kitchen, the knife slipped…” I answered dully, make that a thousand and one times that I’d had to say it tonight.
“Damn!” she exclaimed. “Well the hospital called and said you were here and would need a ride home.” She peeked back over her shoulder and then looked quickly away. I rubbed my forehead with my good hand and huffed out a sigh.
“I could have taken a cab, I took one here.” I protested weakly.
“Babe you look like you murdered someone with an axe, I don’t think any cabbie in this city would pick you up looking like that.” Her date pointed out.
“Sorry, Josh this is my best friend Gracelyn… Gracelyn, this is Josh.” Roxy waved her hand in the air over her shoulder.
“Nice to meet you Josh.” I murmured and he grinned flashing an acrylic pointed fang.
“Likewise.” He inclined his head dramatically.
“Josh has a car, we’ll take you home.” Roxy said and her tone would brook no argument. I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted to go home. So I simply nodded my agreement. After care instructions were given, a tetanus shot was jammed in my arm and prescriptions written and handed over we were the three of us on our way.
I stopped cold in the parking garage.
“You have got to be kidding me.” I muttered in disbelief.
“Yep, that’s my baby.” Josh smiled with pride. I looked up at him, he was tall, over six feet and broad shouldered with dark hair that curled at his shoulders and dark eyes that I couldn’t tell if they were contacts or not.
“It’s a hearse.” I stated.
“Yep, and since you ruined my date your skinny ass is sitting bitch.” Roxy smiled beatifically at me and I groaned inwardly. Josh gallantly held open the door. I crawled into the center of
the bench seat and was squeezed between the two of them.
It took several tries to convince them both I wanted to go up alone but Roxy was having none of it. I finally capitulated. The kitchen wasn’t too bad, a few drops of blood on the tile; some smears at the edge of the sink. The knife sat sullen, gleaming dully in the bottom of the sink. I would be throwing that one away. I shuddered. Josh was being fantastic, he left without being asked to fill my prescriptions. Roxy looked me over critically once the door had shut behind him.
“Yeah those clothes are dead.” She stated flatly. I had to agree. I went into the bedroom and stilled. The bed was made, perfectly made… I blinked and fought the swell of tears choking off my air. I forced in several deep breaths, in through my nose out through my mouth and stripped out of my bloody sweater.
I swiftly changed into a black silk nightgown and pulled on my emerald green Asian silk robe. Golden tree branches stretched across the back and along the sleeves, lighter yellow green leaves falling from them. I belted it tightly at my waist after drawing it across my chest to ensure I was as modest as I could be for Josh’s return. I went out into the living room stopping only long enough to toss my ruined sweater and jeans into the kitchen trash.
“Where did you find him?” I asked Roxy.
“Isn’t he to die for?” She asked all dreamy eyed.
“Goth guys aren’t really my thing,” I laughed “But yeah he is kind of amazing.” I conceded. I mean seriously, who is cool with having their date ruined to pick up their date’s best friend from the hospital? Oh! And not only doesn’t gripe about it, but volunteers to run out and pick up said friend’s prescriptions? A soft tapping at my door heralded his return. Roxy heaved herself up from my couch and went and got it.
Josh came back in and held up the prescriptions in their little nondescript white bag. His smile was sweet and had only a hint of his acrylic fangs. I smiled back grateful.
“Thank you.” I murmured taking the bag from him. Roxy got me a glass of water and I told Josh to make himself at home. He bowed gallantly at the waist and took a seat on my love seat. Roxy handed me the glass and twisted off the caps on my pill bottles doling out both a pain pill and an antibiotic. I swallowed them down and we talked until I couldn’t hold my head up anymore.
“Okay girl. To bed with you.” Roxy fluttered her hands at me and I dragged myself to my feet. My wrist was throbbing but didn’t hurt nearly as badly. My head was all fuzzy from the pain pills though. I padded into my bedroom and hung my robe back in the closet. Roxy pulled the blankets back on my bed and I got in. Josh set a glass of water on my night table and my medications beside it.
“I’m taking your spare key to lock up behind us.” Roxy said and I nodded my assent. She switched out my light and I was asleep before I could hear the door shut behind them.
Chapter 7
I woke late on Saturday morning and felt well rested. Hurrah for painkillers that hit you like a truck. I thought to myself as I threw back the blankets. I rose and dressed for the day in a comfy pair of running capris and an oversized tee shirt. I gathered my laundry and spent the rest of my day reading and waiting for the spin cycle and dryer to end down at the laundry room. Roxy called to check on me a few times and I asked if she wanted to go shopping with me the next day. She had enthusiastically agreed and I felt a little less guilty about the night before. I took another pain pill before going to bed. I didn’t really need it, my wrist didn’t really hurt, but I took it anyways and prayed for a dreamless sleep that kept me firmly in my bed.
My prayers seem to have been answered because when I got up, I was still in bed, no further damage done. I showered and dressed warmly in jeans and a sweater. I even did my makeup, lining my eyes in warm bronze liner, using a touch of mascara on my lashes. A bit of gloss on my lips and I was ready to go.
I met Roxy at our favorite coffee house close to the shops we liked to go to. She had her big bug eyed sunglasses on and her usual back attire. I smiled and sat down at the little table she had procured by the front window.
“Burned a little too much of the midnight oil?” I asked and she gave me a grin to rival the cat’s that ate the canary.
“Yep.” Was her only reply. We went over what stores we wanted to shop at. I confessed all I was really after was clothes to replace that which had been unsalvageable.
“Let’s do this girlfriend!” she rose from the table and I couldn’t help but feel that something was off.
We went to several boutiques that were more Roxy’s speed. She seemed irritated and finally I asked her what was wrong.
“Nothing.” She’d snapped but the longer we were out, the more sullen and angry she became. It was as I was being rung up after buying a nightgown identical to the one ruined on my roof that the damn being pent up all afternoon finally broke. We were exiting the store when she rounded on me.
“I don’t think we should hang out anymore.” She blurted and I almost tripped over my own feet with the shock of it.
“What do you mean?” I asked, voice as hollow as I felt.
“Josh and I were up fighting all last night, because once he saw you all he could do was ask about you. I’m sick of every guy I go out with meeting you and suddenly I’m not good enough anymore!” I stared at my friend in wide eyed disbelief.
“What an ass hole!” I exclaimed.
“No, no, no you do not get to change the subject.” Roxy shook her finger in my face and my confusion went up a notch.
“Roxy, I don’t understand, I can’t change the way I look…” I sounded pathetic even to me but Rox and I had been friends longer than I could… since junior high! Since before my parents…
“I can’t do it anymore…” she was saying, “I’m done Gracelyn, besides that, you’re just not very much fun to be around anymore. I just don’t think you’re good for me,” and with that, she turned on her heel and strode up the sidewalk. I stood there mute and watched her go and wondered how many times I could break this week before I would completely shatter beyond repair.
I pulled in a deep breath and hailed a cab. I just wanted to go home, if what I was feeling right now were a physical wound I’m pretty sure I would be bleeding to death. The tears sprang up and slid down and I choked on a low wail. The cabby frowned at me in his rearview and I dug a Kleenex out of my purse. I sucked it up, held it in until I was safely in the elevator of my building. The tears started first, and by the time I reached my front door I could barely see to get my key in the lock. I slammed the door behind me and locked it, sliding with my packages to the floor I huddled on the floor of my entry way and sobbed and wailed.
You deserve this, you’re a horrible person and no one wants to be friends with you. The thought felt foreign in my head but it didn’t stop there, it went on, an entire inner diatribe…
Your parents would be ashamed had they lived, your grandparents were so unlucky to be burdened with the likes of you. You’re a disgrace, mediocre at everything you do, a total drag to be around, you’re lucky Roxy didn’t dump your ass sooner. You’re crazy and no one needs the crazy you bring in their life… You should have just pitched yourself off the roof, then none of this would be happening.
I staggered to my feet and hung up my coat and purse, forcing myself through the motions. I brought my packages into my bedroom, withdrew the nightgown and took off the tags. I laid it across the foot of my bed, all the while darkness invaded my heart and my soul. My chest felt thick with it and I couldn’t breathe…
Worthless, selfish, cock tease, why were you even born? Oh that’s right, to bring some more misery to the planet…
I fetched towels, started the shower and got in, never minding that it was too hot, I forced myself to stand in the punishing heat and scrubbed, but it wasn’t like I could wash off my mind, or cleanse the sorrow from my heart.
No matter how clean you are on the outside you’ll always be black and dirty on the inside.
“No! I’m a good person! I am a good person.” My voice sou
nded harsh in the enclosed space but despite the conviction behind my words my inner diatribe continued. I was at war with something inside my own head that brought all my darkest fears, my deepest buried concerns to the fore… That I wasn’t good enough, that I would never be good enough, for anyone, at anything. That I would be forgotten by everyone just like my parents had been. Forgotten like the past I struggled to unearth and thrust into the light.
I sat on the floor of my shower and sobbed, rocking myself, hugging my knees. How did I manage to fuck all of this up so badly? Was it even my fault?
Yes.
Chapter 8
I don’t remember falling asleep, I must have though… that or I must have completely come off the rails, gone off the deep end, because as I lay there crying to myself I dreamed the most real dream.
A puddle of blackness was on my bedroom floor between my dresser and the closet. It wasn’t right though, the moon and city light that streamed through my bedroom curtains was clearly illuminating the cream colored carpet, and there was nothing obstructing he light to cause such an irregular shadow in that spot. Yet the pool of darkness was too dark to be a shadow and it appeared liquid and alive which didn’t make sense. The irregular darkness swirled, lifting and curling back in on its self at the edges, fluid like smoke but not, more like what would happen if you dropped black ink into a clear glass of water.
The puddle of darkness roiled from underneath, bulging at it’ center before drawing down and away from a crown of snow white hair, peeling down off the long strands as if they were abhorrent to touch. The darkness continued rolling down the emerging figure of a man, a tall man, clad in very black, very thick, scale mail armor, his wide shoulders made mammoth by the terrifying black metal pauldrons that sat heavily on them. The hilt of a sword rode over his shoulder as he continued to rise out of the dark. He wore greaves on his legs, both thigh and shin and solid boots, a helmet was tucked under one arm, a round shield rode on the other.
Heaven, Hell & the Love In Between Page 3
