"Okay. Well, let's grab something to eat then." I turned away from the edge, leaving Mariah standing there in her baggy clothes with her bruised face looking out at the water.
"Yes. Yes, a perfect night," she mumbled.
"What, honey?"
"A perfect night. A perfect night to go," she said to the ocean with a small laugh. As I looked back over my shoulder to ask what she meant, she took a step closer to the drop off. I froze.
"Mariah, step back honey, you're too close to the edge." She wasn't just close, she was teetering over it with several inches of her left foot dangling above at least thirty feet of open space.
She tilted her head to the side and gave me a lip-splitting grin and then her face fell, taking on a more somber expression. Her brown eyes were large and round with concern, "Riley, did I thank you?"
With the booming sound of my blood rushing through my head competing with the crash of the ocean waves, I almost couldn't hear her. Turning, I took a step toward her, ignoring Drake's quiet warning behind me.
"Thank me for what, Mariah? You have nothing to thank me for," I said with a cautious smile.
She shook her head before nodding so vigorously it made me dizzy. "I do, I do. You found me you came to find me. You saved me, you know. Thanks, Riley. Thanks for saving me," she said. The delicate frame of her body shook as she let out an empty laugh.
For a brief moment, the muscles of my shoulders that had hardened into tight knots relaxed. She wasn't going to jump, she was grateful to be alive still. I could see it on her face. There was joy there - a little crazed and psychotic, sure, but it was still elation for life. The salty moisture of the water drifted with the wind and whipped at my hair and I pushed my loose bangs out of my eyes in irritation.
With an outstretched hand, I said calmly, "Come on, Mariah, let's go."
Her smile was warm enough to melt a hole into my heart. "Yes. It's time to go," she whispered.
And then she leapt.
With her arms out like a bird, she jumped into the air and almost floated on the cool breeze before falling like a stone. The only sound was my scream as the wind pushed it back into my face and made me choke on it. Drake's arms firmly wrapped around my waist and I struggled to get free, to get to the edge of the bluff, to see if she was okay. After dropping to the ground and crawling across the sand, I dug my nails into the hard earth as tears poured from my eyes, screaming her name against the assaulting air current that pushed against me with invisible hands.
Mariah's body was face down, caught in the jagged rocks at the base of the bluff. Her hands floated at her sides in the white water that was quickly turning pink around her. As I watched through my tears, with Drake's fingers hooked into the waistband of my jeans, the waves quickly lifted her limp form and gobbled her up into the surf. She was gone in seconds. The only sign she had ever been there was a solitary shoe that floated on the water for a few minutes before it became too waterlogged, sinking in submission to the ocean floor.
Shaking with pain and anger, I screamed at the waves that devoured Mariah up as if there was nothing to it, like she was just another piece of debris to be pulled out to sea by the unyielding currents. My hands pawed furiously at the side of the drop off like the crumbling ridge was a giant remote and all I had to do was find the rewind button.
"No! Why?!" I screamed at the fading day, "Why'd you do this?"
"Riley," Drake dragged me away from the edge by my kicking legs and pulled me hard against his chest while speaking soothingly into my ear, "Sssh. She's gone. She's been gone, Riley, you have to let her go."
"No! No! Why would she do this? Why? Connor and Kris. Sunny and Foxy. All those men," I blubbered, "Drake, Jesus - all those men, they're all gone because of her. Because of her! Why would she do this?"
"Don't do that to yourself," he said softly against my ear. But I didn't hear him. It was all for nothing, just like I had feared. She cost me everything. Everything.
"Why?!" I sobbed, the scream catching in my throat.
"You saw her, Riley. She's been gone a long time. Some people-," his voice hitched and he cleared his throat before continuing, "I think some people can't be saved. But you gave her freedom. You did save her, Riley."
I shook my head against him, hitting his cheek with mine and still he didn't pull away. My mouth was full of the sandy and salty air and I spit it out with disgust. Sitting in Drake's lap, I stared at the spot just above my left foot, where the sun was dipping below the Pacific horizon. It dropped lower every time I blinked, like a shimmering gold diamond in the sky. Even after it was gone, the sunset stretched out above our heads like a quilt; warm bubble gum pinks bled into deep ambers that reminded me of the fire burning in the north. Breathing heavily, I looked up the coast where we came from, seeing nothing but a black outline of angry smoke above the land. How ironic. Not that long ago I imagined throwing myself off a cliff like this - my last kiss being w
ith the crashing waves of the ocean and yet here I was still fighting to live. How fucking ironic. Drake lifted me off the ground, turned my body away from the sea, and led me through the deep grass and across the street into a glass-walled house. After settling down on the couch, I stared at all the windows. Floor to ceiling, the glass was cloudy from salt and calcium buildup and my last thought of the day was imagining the popping and cracking sound all that glass would make in the morning as the house exploded in a giant fireball.
I'll burn it. I'll burn it all to the ground and let the ashes float like snowflakes into the Ocean where Mariah rested. She said she loved the snow. I'll burn it all…for her.
***
We stood too close, but even though my eyes stung, my cheeks burned, and my lips were drying out from the heat, we didn't move. The windows cracked before imploding and then the glass rained down in front of us in jagged shards from the force of the roiling fireball inside the home that spit and shrieked in anger. As it leapt outside an upstairs window, the embers caught on the neighboring roof. In ten minutes seven houses were burning. Only then did we leave, but not on foot.
As Drake stood with his gloved hands resting on his thighs, straddling the shiny silver and black Ducati we hauled out of a nearby private garage, I shook my head. If Connor could only see me, what would he say? Surely, it would be something along the lines of 'I told you so'. Drake knocked on the top of my black helmet and I gave him the thumbs-up sign before climbing on behind him. It was such an intimate way to travel; one person molded into the back of another. With my inner thighs pinned against his legs and my arms secured around his fit midsection, taking care not to rub against his sutures, I held on tight as the tires squealed against the asphalt as we took off.
Drake eased us through the cramped streets with ease, slowing when necessary but for the most part keeping the speed over twenty miles an hour. When we hit clear patches of road, he would open the throttle and propel us forward like a bullet. Every hour we stopped to look for water, fuel and to set a fire, of course. The smell of smoke followed us, but I ignored the shift in the wind and enjoyed the ride.
A few times, I imagined that Drake was Connor and squeezed his chest, or rested my chin on his shoulder. But everything about him was different. I didn't want Drake as a lover - just as a friend. And his words echoed in my head - the declaration that he wasn't going to stay with us in the mountains. Sure, we had bled together, we had killed together and slept next to each other, but it was unclear how much of a friend Drake considered me.
Nearly five hours on the road and we reached Oceanside. Not long after, Drake followed my directions and went east on the 78. It was the way I came with Connor and Kris, it was the way I wanted to return. What took us days to travel on horseback was covered in mere hours on the bike. Except the air was cooler and the scenery was backwards as we steadily worked our way out east. We didn't dare start a fire in the countryside, but the lighter in my pocket itched to be used every mile the bike ate up. After stopping at a corner gas station and chugging down war
m bottles of soda, we refueled with the help of a hose and I rifled through the dusty office, shoving a piece of paper and a large marker into Drake's backpack.
Our lunch consisted of stale cheese crackers and bruised apples we found that had fallen off the tree and rolled down the long sloped yard of a nearby residence. When Drake put his helmet on a peek of his brown hair showed at the base of his neck and the only way I could tell he was smiling was that the skin around his eyes crinkled softly.
"What?" I asked, before shoving my helmet on. It was still warm from the long morning ride. I secured my braid into the back of my jacket, shoving it as far beneath the collar as my hair would allow.
He shook his head, causing a glint of sunlight to reflect off his visor and temporarily blind me. "Nothin', I was just thinking," he said with a muffled voice.
"About what?"
"Just. I don't know. This has been a fun ride."
I cocked my head to side and studied him. He was still smiling, his eyes proved that, but I couldn't figure out what he meant. "You're actually having fun?"
"Aren't you?"
Was I? Everything around me was still; no breeze rustled the trees or the weeds that sprouted out of the split sidewalks, no creatures chirped or chittered, it was as if nature itself wanted to know if I was indeed having a good time. The windows of the building stared at me with large, open eyes, waiting for my answer. All the circumstances of the previous days, weeks and months should have made me miserable but it was true - the ride was fun. The fresh air pelting my neck as the bike charged up the hills was invigorating. Sort of like a cleanse.
"I shouldn't be," I said guiltily.
Drake's smile must have vanished because the lines around his eyes smoothed out instantly. With a curt nod, he gestured to the bike and we both straddled the monster. "Let's get on with it," he yelled over the roar of the engine.
***
With a tap of his shoulder and a hand signal to stop, Drake pulled off the highway onto the shoulder just before Horizon View Drive. He tugged his helmet off his head and swiped his sleeve over his sweaty brow. One difference between men and women is that men could make sweat look sexy. With my hair plastered to my face, I felt grimy and not in the least appealing, not that it mattered. The sun had passed over us hours before and long shadows from the manzanita and oak trees stretched out across the highway.
"Hold this? I'll be right back," I said after tossing my helmet into his lap. He called after me as I ran up the hillside but the words were drowned out by the vibrating sound of the idling bike.
There it stood, tall and sun-bleached. The barn that we slept next to on our first night out with the horses stood tall above the highway. It was hard to miss as you drove by. This was where Connor said he could live one day, even though there was nothing spectacular about the scenery. The dead grass crunched beneath my shoes as I approached it, unfolding the paper from the gas station. Inside the barn, just next to the sliding door was a bulletin board. After prying some of the rusted thumbtacks out of the cork, I rounded the barn to the side that faced the road below and tacked the paper to the rough wood.
In thick, black strokes, I wrote my first letter since finding the lodge the year before. After finishing, I stepped back to look at the bright white sheet against the maroon color of the barn. The smoothness of the paper looked out of place against the cracked paint and I squinted in the light to read the words one final time.
Connor and Kris,
You won't read this but I had to tell you how sorry I am that I lost you. Wherever you ended up after leaving this place, please look for Mariah there so she isn't alone anymore. I hope I find you in my dreams.
I love you…so much. - Riley
CHAPTER twenty-five
Once we left Ramona, an anxiety built up inside me that was impossible to ignore. What was I going to say to the others? How would I explain what happened to Connor and Kris when I didn't know that answer myself? They weren't in the warehouse from what I saw, and there was no sign of the other horse either. But Connor would never have just left me there. He would have searched until he found me. Which meant only one thing - they were dead.
The bike roared up the mountains with ease and soon we were surrounded by the pine trees of Julian. The tall and bushy conifers felt like home. The smell was so different there than anywhere else. Fresh air, heavy with the scent of pine, sap and earth saturated my senses. The town of Julian looked the same as it did the last time I passed through, except for a few deep and wide puddles in the gutters. Too nervous to stop and prolong the inevitable, we continued on the 79 until it met with Sunrise Highway.
It was as if I had been gone for years instead of months - that's how much I craved the peaceful solitude of Mt. Laguna. The din of the motorcycle echoed loudly around the summits creating a dull reverberation through the trees that sounded less like the purr of the expensive bike and more like a dying tractor. A few times since we passed through Ramona the engine hum morphed over the valleys, coming back slower and more propeller-like, but there were houses and rocks and water for the sound to bounce off of, distorting the sound. Plus, we had our helmets on and the drone of the bike beneath me was the loudest noise of all. With one arm comfortably hooked around Drake's chest, I held onto the side of my seat with my free hand and looked out at the passing trees. As the sun ran away toward the coast, it stole the light of day from us and replaced it with a cool, steel sky. The stars multiplied by the hundreds every time I glanced up and just before the last rays of light disappeared beyond the forest the lodge sign came into view.
Drake pulled off the asphalt after I squeezed his shoulder and pointed to the right. He took the drive slow, easing the tires around potholes loosened up from a recent rainstorm, being careful not to run over the disturbed rocks or small branches that had fallen out of the encroaching trees. When the remnants of the main house came into view, he came to a stop and he eased the bike toward a cluster of burnt roof beams. Without waiting for him, I dismounted and yanked the helmet off, letting it fall to the ground as I jogged toward the lawn. Summer had finally gotten the better of the grass, replacing it with an ugly brown color, leaving funky green bunches every ten feet or so. It still looked beautiful to me though.
"Riley, wait up!" Drake called from behind me.
I stopped in the middle of the lawn, almost underneath the branches of the great oak that was centered there. An image of Connor sleeping beneath the tree and Fin taking me down the trail where the greenhouse used to be came back. With a slow blink, the memory faded. It was just a tree again. Cold air pricked at the exposed parts of my skin with curiosity, as if the mountain air was feeling me out and saying; I know you, welcome back.
Pieces of hay still lay scattered about the base of the fence post by the Recreation building, as they were waiting around for a wind strong enough to relocate them to somewhere else. It looked like a horse hadn't been there since we left several weeks before. Even though I knew it was too good to be true, part of me still ached when I realized Foxy hadn't made her way back with Connor and Kris.
Drake caught up with me just before I reached the trail, still peeling the gloves off his hands. "Were you planning on leaving me with the bike, or something?"
"No, sorry. I just need to know. I need to know if they're here." I breathed heavily, picking up the pace as the narrow dirt trail began to slope downwards toward the lake.
"Where are we going?" he asked from behind me.
Halfway down the trail, I stopped to whistle loudly and Drake bumped into me, knocking me off balance and into the trunk of a tree. "Damn," I said, brushing loose pieces of bark off my shirtsleeve. A glint twinkled in the distance between two pines and my heart leapt at the sight of it. The lake.
"Sorry, what'd you stop for?" Drake flicked a sappy cluster of pine needles off my shoulder with a smile.
"Shush, listen," I answered. When my call wasn't returned with a familiar bark, I whistled again. "That's…odd."
"Huh?"
"My dog. She's not answering me." I rushed back down the trail, Drake mumbling something behind me and when we reached the bend that took us toward the lake, we could see the cabin tops.
Not sure what to expect, I simply stood before them, looking at each for signs of life behind the windows and finding none. The fireplaces were unlit, the doors all closed, the curtains drawn. I saw the cabins like that once before - when Connor and I first arrived to find only Fin living there. The cabins were empty.
"No," I gasped. Drake put a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off so hard the muscle in my neck cramped. "They wouldn't. They wouldn't leave me."
"Maybe something happened. Um, maybe they found a safer place?"
I sent a disgusted look at Drake, "Ana's pregnant, they wouldn't just move, Drake."
"Okay, well, go knock. Maybe they are just... I don't know, hiding out in there or something. The bike is not exactly quiet you know. They could've heard us coming."
Right. But Zoey would be barking. She knew my whistle. Even though I'd been gone awhile, she wouldn't have forgotten my call. Plus, the more I thought about it, the more I realized some of the vehicles might have been missing.
"Stay here in case someone's inside, okay?"
He nodded and kicked at the dirt, looking bored with a snarky expression on his face. Of course, this was all a monumental waste of his time and he couldn't wait to be rid of me so he could move on to bigger and better things. Like eating beans out of a can in some rest stop off the freeway.
All of the cabin doors were locked - even mine. After peering inside the front door through a gap in the curtain, I saw nothing out of the ordinary. It didn't look any different from the way we left it, but I hadn't exactly taken a mental picture of the place on my way out the door.
"Where would they have gone?" I asked my reflection in the glass.
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