by S. L. Scott
“You teach people for an hour and then send them out into the water every day. Why would she be any different? You can’t stop the perfect storm. You couldn’t predict a wave would place her right over that sinkhole. The best swimmer would find it hard to fight that.”
“I should have been paying closer attention. I should have been there.”
“Listen, Evan. You can beat yourself up for another four years or you can start living the life you were supposed to live in the first place. You can deny it all you want, but I know that a lot of what eats you up is that you didn’t love her. Yeah, sure, you liked her, but she loved you and you feel guilty for not loving her back.”
“I don’t want to talk about his.” I turn around and dig in, ready to paddle to shore, but he grabs the rail of my board.
“Too bad! I’m tired of this shit messing with your head. Get it out.”
“What do you want me to say?” I’m frustrated and push away from him. “I’m outta here.”
“You can paddle away, but we’re going to talk about this.” I stop paddling and rest my cheek on my board lulled by the feel of the gentle waves that are starting to build again below me. Zach moves closer and almost in a whisper, says, “Her death is not your fault, Evan. You couldn’t have saved her.”
I sit up abruptly, pointing at him, and yell, “I’m a fucking surf instructor. I’m CPR certified. I should’ve been able to and I should have never given her the board.” Frustrated with myself, I hit the board under me. “Fuck! The truth is that I was going to break up with her. I’d been planning it that whole week. I bought that board as a consolation prize, hoping it would ease the blow of the break-up, but I hadn’t found the right time to say the words.” I close my eyes and remember how happy she was when she saw the surfboard. “She made me take her surfing right then. The waves were big, too rough. I knew better and yet I let her paddle out. Heck, I also paddled out wanting to rip it up.” I look at him. Zach’s face is calm, non-judgmental, so I continue as he listens. “By the time I reached the shore, I didn’t see her. That’s when I saw the board spiraling around that sinkhole; that fucking sinkhole that wasn’t there two days earlier.”
“You can’t fight fate, E. It was her time.” He paddles to stay even with me, and adds, “The lawsuit was settled over three years ago. Now it’s time you settle it in your mind.”
“The Kalei’s should’ve sued me. I let their daughter and Noah’s sister die. My dad paying them off in exchange for Lani’s life does not mean it goes away, like everything is even; tit for tat shit. That blood money doesn’t erase the image of her underwater.” The image of her haunting me again after so long, stabbing me in the heart. The words are quiet as I tell my friend everything I’ve buried for years. “It was like she was in a peaceful sleep. I hadn’t noticed how her short hair had grown out until I saw it floating around her still face. I hadn’t noticed how beautiful she had become. I hadn’t noticed anything because I was so fucking selfish. So caught up in my own world that I hadn’t taken the time to notice.”
“You were eighteen. Everyone is selfish at eighteen. Hell, you’re supposed to be selfish at that age.”
Squeezing my eyes closed tight, I try to wash the image of Lani away from my memories while inwardly berating myself. “I used to force myself to think about her, to constantly remind myself of my failings. That first year in England, I only fucked dark haired girls, closing my eyes, and imagining it was her. A symbol of how I’d fucked up.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“I know, but it made some kind of sense to me then, though. I was so screwed up. I think I still might be.” I look straight ahead, ashamed, but finally admit, “I was Lani’s first…and only.”
“Mallory has dark hair—”
“I’ve never seen Lani in Mallory. Mallory gives me peace. She’s different. I feel calm, whole, when I’m with her. I can feel my heart again. I thought it was gone. God, I sound so lame.” I’m embarrassed for opening up like this.
“No, you don’t and I have a feeling that that’s the first time you’ve ever told the full story.”
I look over my shoulder realizing the waves have picked up. I position myself forward on my board, and say, “Yeah, maybe.” I start paddling, but before I steal the first wave, I look back at him. “Thanks for listening, man.” The tip of my board rises up on the wave as it grows in height and I paddle hard, focusing all my energy on this one wave. I pop up onto my feet and ride it in. I feel good, freer, lighter. I do a few cut backs across the water that’s returning me to shore.
When I get into my car, I text Mallory before heading home, but she doesn’t respond. I don’t blame her after how my mom treated her, or with all the shit I’ve laid on her.
After taking a long nap, I jump in the shower. When I walk out, I find my dad sitting on my couch. I stop and look at him, not knowing what I should say, if anything.
He leans forward resting his forearms on his knees, and breaks the silence. “I want to take you to dinner.” He looks out the window, his discomfort clear in his actions. “I want to spend a little more time with you before I leave tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Meet me at the car in ten,” he says as he walks toward the door. “Oh and, Evan?” He stops and looks back over his shoulders. “Invite Murphy and Zach along. I’d like to get to know your friends better.”
“I will. Thanks.”
I get dressed knowing this is a unique opportunity. When I was in New York I didn’t see him except when I was in the office. I hated being confined in that office, another reason why I left.
My father loves his Porsche. My appreciation for driving finer vehicles is inherited from him. After sliding into his Carrera, we spend a few minutes in silence. I break it this time. Only seems fair. “You have to leave tomorrow? Not much of a vacation this year.”
“Your mother said she told you about the board and the possibility of a handover to a management firm. I want to be present to make sure that doesn’t happen. If I take my eye off the ball even for a second, I could lose Ashford Holdings, and I’m not willing to let that happen. I’ve worked too hard to be handed a retirement check and told to go away.”
“Dad, I don’t really understand how this works, but I’m assuming it’s because it’s a public company. So, you have to answer to the board?”
“Yes, the board represents our shareholders and clientele, but our family still holds majority stock. If the board gets their way, that could change. That’s why it’s important for you to be a part of this meeting in August. Can you do that, son? Will you help us so we don’t lose our company?”
I gulp hard, the importance of this upcoming meeting starting to burden my shoulders. I glance at my dad as he’s driving and see the worry, the concern in his eyes. I’ve lived frivolously for a long time now. My parents have given me the time with little argument. It’s time I give something back in return. A meeting is easy. I’ll fly in and fly out. Then I’ll be back in paradise in no time. “Yes. Kate and I will fight for the family.”
He exhales his relief, reaching over and grabbing my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. “Thank you, Evan. I knew I could count on you.”
“Of course, Dad.”
Zach and Murphy are already seated at the table on the patio of the restaurant. They never turn down a free meal. After a quick greeting between us, Murphy stands, holding his hand out to my dad who takes it. “Sir, thank you for inviting me to dinner, Sir.” His nerves are clearly showing. I’ll let him sweat it out on his own. That will teach him for dating my sister and Hugh Ashford’s daughter.
My dad removes his hand from Murphy’s before sitting down across from me and next to him. “Thanks for coming and please try to relax. I’m not here judging you, but I do have some questions for you concerning my daughter.”
We order our food and a pitcher of beer. As my father quizzes Murphy regarding his intentions toward Kate, I sit back anxiously waiting for Sunny to text
Zach, as she promised. Mallory hasn’t left my mind, but I’m looking forward to this time with my dad.
The surf contest has ended, but Zach has told me to lay off the calls and texts today. She’s ‘working’ on her and needs more time. The problem is that I’ve been on edge thinking about her—needing to be near her. At this point, I might even take her saying goodbye to me just to hear her voice again.
I hear Murphy pleading his case to my father. “Yes, it is early in our relationship, but I feel strongly for her. I respect her decisions concerning this fall. I have one more semester of school and then will be making a lot of big decisions myself.”
Murphy’s conversation with my dad draws me back to the restaurant and I watch this six foot four, two hundred plus man quiver like a teenager.
My dad pats Murphy on the back, and says, “I appreciate your good intentions and I look forward to spending more time with you in New York when you visit.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Please call me Hugh,” my dad says, laughing.
Zach’s phone rings. The smile on his face tells us it’s Sunny without him saying a word. He stands and walks a few feet away. His eyes dart to mine then he looks down.
I can tell something is wrong when he straightens his back. My stomach tightens and my posture matches his. Mallory. I stand, my worry getting the best of me. As soon as the phone is away from his ear, he says, “I need a ride to the hospital. Can someone give me one?”
“What’s wrong,” I ask, my heart beating hard in my chest.
“Sunny hurt her hand again while helping Johnny.”
I exhale, relieved it’s not about Mallory, but my dick move is noticed by all and now relief turns to guilt. “I’ll take you.” I offer because my friend needs a ride and Sunny is pure good and deserved better than to be overlooked by my messed up emotions.
“Thank you,” Zach says.
My dad stands as I do, and tosses money on the table. Then he says, “Evan I drove you. I can take you both to the hospital.”
I’d forgotten that minor detail.
Zach looks at Murphy then back to my dad. “Murphy drove, Mr. Ashford. He can drive me.”
“No, no. We should all go. I know you’re all friends with her.”
“Thanks,” Zach adds, turning around and walking toward the exit.
We’re close to the hospital, so the drive is short. Murphy drops Zach off in front of the ER. My dad parks and even though I’m concerned about Sunny and what happened, I’m suddenly nervous I might see Mallory inside. Will she talk to me? Will she even look at me?
Murphy walks up behind us as we enter through the sliding glass doors. Zach is at the counter talking to a nurse and I scan the waiting area for those familiar green eyes. I’m disappointed when I only find two men watching the TV in the corner. Turning back to Zach, I lean against the counter next to him. “Any word?”
“She’ll be out in a sec. On the phone she said she was helping Johnny with a table when she twisted her wrist, tweaking her hand that she hurt before.”
“Is she getting a cast?” My dad asks. His own worry is showing through his expression. I appreciate his concern for my friends.
“Zach!”
We turn toward the direction of his name being called and find Sunny smiling as she hurries down the corridor and into his arms. Johnny is behind her and a girl I don’t recognize. Mallory is not with them.
I’m trying to be sensitive to Sunny’s pain, but the pain in my heart is building, wondering where she could be.
When she releases Zach, she leans over the counter toward the nurse, and asks, “Am I free to go?”
“Not just yet,” she replies while staring at her monitor. “We need to make a copy of your insurance card and for you to pay the co-pay first.”
Sunny digs down into her pocket and pulls out her ID and bankcard but there’s nothing else except a stick of gum. She looks up, her expression falling. “It’s in my van which is parked at the beach. Johnny drove me here.”
“We’ll need the card or you’ll need to pay half the bill before I can release you,” the nurse adds, a sympathetic smile appearing.
My dad steps forward and asks Sunny, “Do you remember who your insurance carrier is? Maybe we can call them.”
“No, I can’t. Last time I was here, I was out of it from the medication they gave me.”
The nurse looks up, her lips tightening as she ponders. “I can’t release her without the co-pay or fifty-percent of the total as a deposit.”
Dad turns toward Sunny and says, “Come over here and we’ll call your parents.”
Sunny, Zach, my father, and Murphy all go together. I stay with my back pressed against the counter and cross my arms.
“I know this is a touchy subject, but Mallory told me what happened at the party.”
I turn and look at Johnny, the girl with him joining the others.
“She hasn’t heard my side,” I say, looking down at the shiny linoleum floors. “She won’t talk to me.”
“She cares about you. I know that much.”
“Don’t know if that’s enough anymore.”
A quiet contemplation settles between us.
“Mallory left with Noah after the contest,” Johnny adds.
My head practically spins on my neck when I turn toward Johnny. “What?”
He takes a deep breath and a short exhale, nervous to speak. “Don’t freak out. Okay…It’s completely innocent, but she went to celebrate with him. He won Southern Shores and his family is having a luau for him. She said she’d never been to one.”
“He won?” I look at him as if his previous statement will change. It doesn’t. “Fuck, he did it! He finally won,” I say more to myself than to Johnny.
“It’s huge! He’ll get sponsored and compete in the series down in New Zealand,” Johnny adds.
Murphy joins the conversation. “Yep, Southern Shores stepped it up this year. They’ll sponsor him for the surfing season there. I bet he’ll have to leave soon.” Murphy laughs, looking at me. “One less thing you’ll have to worry about, my friend.”
This is a lot to process. I can’t believe Noah is leaving the island like he always wanted and that makes me grin. The small part of me that remembers our friendship, knows this was his dream and its coming true. “Man, even my cold heart has to smile at that shit.”
With Noah leaving soon, I try to trust that Mallory is only celebrating her friend’s victory with him and it’s not a celebration of any other sorts. I attempt to convince myself of this, though deep down, I feel major jealousy that she’s chosen to spend time with him, especially after last night. It makes me wonder if she’s thought about me at all. Worse, I’m now worried I may never get the chance to make this right with her.
My dad calls me over to sit with him away from the others. When I do, he says, “Sunny’s parents aren’t answering, but they found her insurance details from the last time she was here. I’m going to cover the bill. I know she can’t afford it and I don’t want her stuck here for hours. While they print the paperwork, I’d like to talk business with you. I’m leaving tomorrow and don’t know if I’ll have time before then and I have a conference call tonight.”
“No, it’s fine. What’s this about?” Dread settles in well aware that we’re going to be talking about a job back in New York. All the reasons I usually have handy to explain why I should stay in Hawaii are escaping me.
“I’d like to talk about your plans first. Are you going to return to school?”
I lean back in my chair, sliding down in my seat. Turning to look him in the eyes, I say, “Um… yes. I missed the deadlines for Yale, and U of Hawaii. I looked into The University of Colorado, but I missed their last admissions deadline by three weeks.”
He’s sitting upright, but his tone is relaxed. “Is that where Mallory attends?”
“Yes.”
“So, it’s more serious than your mother thinks?”
“Yes. I’m considering g
oing back with her.”
“And what does she think about that? I don’t think she can afford to support you.”
When I look at my friends they are staring at me, shocked by my revelation.
Shrugging off the uncomfortable feeling of all eyes on me, I respond the best way I know how. “I haven’t told her that I’d looked into it because I didn’t want her to be disappointed. I don’t want her stressing, thinking she’ll have to support me. I can get a job.”
“Sounds like you’re talking from your heart, but you’re using your head. I think Mallory might be good for you although your mother is not convinced. You should talk to your mother soon because she has strong ideas about your future.” He sits back and looks out at the beach across the street. Just when I think he’s deep in thought, he turns to me and states, “You’re in love with Mallory.” His gaze meets mine. “That’s what you said or rather shouted in the middle of the party last night.”
Feeling awkward, I search for a much needed distraction. But my friends suck and leave me in the hot-seat by acting like they aren’t eavesdropping. I feel my face heat and face him straight on. “I love her, dad.”
He smiles, the corners of his mouth gently edging up, and says, “Well, since you can’t attend school with her, how about earning some money with the promise you’ll enroll somewhere in the spring? I can offer you $125,000 a year starting out as an active Board Member with Office Responsibilities. You can earn $42k by Christmas. That’s a good deal, son.”
“What does ‘Office Responsibilities’ mean?”
“I have to somehow justify a board member receiving a large salary. You’ll work in the office like the rest of us. You don’t have your degree, so I can’t give you clients, but you can train in that time period.” He reaches over and pats my hand. “I want you to seriously consider this job. It’s a solid offer and works well for building your resume. Then in the spring, I expect you to pick a school and graduate. If it’s from Colorado then so be it, but I want you to finish your education.”
It is a really good offer, very generous, and I’m family, carrying on the Ashford name. There are built-in burdens that come along with that title alone.
