“You don’t know what I think, dear, and you don’t have to go on the defensive with me either.” Isabel sat on the other side of the table, in the same chair she’d always sat in.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t want you getting the wrong idea.”
Isabel raised an eyebrow. “I see. And what would that be?”
Lizzy didn’t reply, but simply stared at her mug.
“It’s okay, you know, to have feelings for someone.”
Lizzy looked up sharply. “I don’t have feelings for her, for anyone.”
“Would it be so bad if you did?”
Lizzy felt sick and quickly stood, regretting she’d come. She walked the few paces to the hall, but then stopped. She wanted to leave, but the familiar smells and surroundings brought back memories, vivid, happy memories. She couldn’t just walk out on them, never.
“Lizzy, sweetheart, come and sit down.”
Lizzy turned to face her. Isabel had aged significantly in the past few years, but her face was still soft and her voice just as firm. She joined her back at the table, unable to look her in the eye.
“I know you miss her, Lizzy. I do too. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Have you spoken to anyone about the way you feel?”
Lizzy shook her head. “Why is it that everybody wants me to talk about the way I feel? It’s not going to change anything.”
“Perhaps, like me, they think it might help.”
“Help what? Help me to move on? Because I can’t do it.”
“You don’t have to.”
“She made me promise to go on.”
“And you don’t want that?”
Lizzy shrunk back. “I can’t do it, I don’t know how.”
“What is it you want, Lizzy?”
Lizzy struggled to find the answer. “I want…I want…I miss her so much.” Lizzy buried her face in her hands and burst into tears. For the first time since Maurice’s death, she wept real tears.
Isabel went to her, pulling her to her chest, and held her tightly, whispering, “Oh sweetheart, oh sweetheart.”
She held her a long time, until the tears started to run dry. Only then did she let her go. She made one of her special pick-me-up grogs, sweet with honey and a few drops of lemon and rum, and placed it in front of Lizzy before sitting back down again.
“Nothing can bring her back, dear. All we can do is pray she is safe in God’s hands.”
“I don’t believe in God, you know that.”
“I know, but you did believe in Maurice, didn’t you?”
Lizzy frowned. “Of course I did.”
“Then you have to believe that her death means more than just the loss of her.”
“What can possibly mean more than her death?”
“That’s not what I said. To this day I don’t know where I found the strength to say good-bye to her. From the moment her illness was diagnosed I prayed to God to spare her life, if need be to take mine instead, but he didn’t and I admit, I’ve struggled with my faith ever since.” She reached over and took hold of Lizzy’s hand. “Whether or not you believe in God or whether or not you believe there was a reason for her death, you have the power to give it meaning.”
Lizzy simply stared at her.
“Lizzy dear, there is no such thing as moving on, not when it comes to losing a loved one. Once we’ve opened our hearts to someone, no matter what happens, a part of us will always belong to that person. We may find a way to go on with our lives, but it will never be as bright as it was when they were alive, but live on we must, for them if not for ourselves. We have to experience, feel, see, and touch the things they no longer can. For them, Lizzy. It’s our last gift to them and ultimately to ourselves.” She reached up and wiped away one of Lizzy’s tears. “And maybe, just maybe, if we’re lucky, we can find someone again who will dare to love us for who we are and if we’re strong enough, let them bring a new type of light into our shaded world.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Judith stepped off the streetcar and started off in the direction of Miss Rossum’s home wondering what Lizzy was doing at that very moment. She had only seen her once throughout the past week, and that had been when Lizzy had dropped Emily off for her on Wednesday. Lizzy had been in a hurry and they had simply exchanged quick polite hellos followed by quick polite good-byes. Judith had been grateful that the encounter was brief because after her talk with Chris, she had felt apprehensive about seeing her again. What Chris had told her was so personal that she felt it was deceitful to pretend she didn’t know, and yet she didn’t want to risk hurting Lizzy by letting her know she did know. She was also struggling to put her own feelings into perspective.
She couldn’t quite explain what she had felt dancing in Lizzy’s arms at Anita’s party, and knowing that Lizzy had once loved a woman only seemed to add to the importance of understanding her own confusion. She could not deny that she had felt aroused, and just thinking about that dance brought butterflies to her stomach. She tried to push her thoughts to the side as she arrived at Miss Rossum’s.
Miss Rossum opened the door before Judith had a chance to ring the doorbell and was clearly excited about something. “Judith, come in, come in. I have some good news.”
Judith stepped inside wondering what on earth had her in such a tizzy. Miss Rossum barely gave her a chance to take off her coat before ushering her on through to the living room. She led her over to the dinner table where she had laid out a tray of coffee and a writing pad and indicated to Judith to sit.
“My nephew paid me an unexpected visit yesterday. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but he’s a deputy principal at a local high school.” She didn’t wait for Judith to answer. “Well, he happened to mention that they were looking to fill a vacancy in their art department and I remembered you telling me that you wanted to get back to teaching, so I told him about you. Now he did say that the deadline for accepting applications had passed, but I’ve never been one to easily accept a no. I know he’s been feeling guilty for not visiting me more often, you see, so I played the guilt card and persuaded him to accept your letter of application. There is one slight problem, though. He insists on having it no later than tomorrow. So I thought we could use this time to get on with it.” She tapped the writing pad expectantly.
Judith was speechless. She felt a tremor of excitement but couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “I don’t know what to say.”
Miss Rossum picked up the pen and held it out to her. “You don’t need to say anything, but I do suggest you start putting pen to paper.”
*
Judith quickly made her way down the Korte Reguliersdwarsstraat and entered Van Dobben, one of the few remaining authentic sandwich shops in Amsterdam. With its white tiled walls and men in white aprons it looked more like a butcher’s than a sandwich shop, but with an unimaginable wide range of sandwich spreads to choose from, it was considered by many locals as the best sandwich shop in town.
She waited impatiently while they prepared her sandwiches. She had managed to write her application in the hour and a half she would normally have spent cleaning with Miss Rossum, and all she needed to do now was to type it up and get it to Miss Rossum’s nephew. She planned to pick up Emily from school and then head over to the library to type it up. She knew Lizzy wouldn’t mind if she used her computer, but she had already decided that she wasn’t going to tell Lizzy or anyone else about her stroke of luck. Not until she knew she had an interview, which was a long shot. Telling Lizzy would somehow make it more real, and there was no guarantee that this was going to lead anywhere. It was exciting, but she didn’t want to get her own hopes up. She still couldn’t believe that Miss Rossum had cared enough to do this for her. Whatever came of it, she was going to buy her the biggest bunch of flowers she could afford.
That night as she wrapped tinfoil over the plate of food she had prepared for Lizzy, it dawned on her that Lizzy had not eaten the last two meals she had made for her. She wasn’t
even sure if Lizzy had come home or not. She had been so preoccupied with her feelings all week that she had only noticed now. Her own feelings and confusion slipped into the background as she started to worry that maybe something was wrong. After all, no matter how late or tired Lizzy got, she always ate the dinner Judith left her. She was contemplating calling Lizzy on her cell phone to make sure she was all right when Lizzy walked in.
Lizzy smiled a little awkwardly. “Hi.”
Judith said hi back and gestured to the plate in her hands. “Do you want this?”
Lizzy looked sheepish. “Erm…do you mind if we talk first?”
Judith felt nervous, but calmly put the plate aside and joined Lizzy in the living room.
A long silence ensued and all Judith could do was wait as Lizzy seemed to struggle to say whatever it was she was going to say.
“I’ve been seeing someone.” Lizzy didn’t look up, but merely stared at her shoes.
Judith had no idea what that was supposed to mean and waited in slight trepidation for Lizzy to elaborate. When she didn’t, she was forced to prompt her. “Anyone in particular?”
“Grandma Isabel.”
Judith distinctly remembered Lizzy telling her about her family one night after they had watched a movie together.
“I thought you said that your grandparents were deceased on both sides?”
“They are. Isabel isn’t my grandma, as such.” Lizzy shifted in her chair.
“There’s something I need to tell you. I was once in a relationship with somebody…” She winced. “Maurice…she died.”
Lizzy’s revelation took Judith by surprise as she realized that Lizzy had decided to open up to her. She felt guilty for already knowing about Maurice and felt compelled to be up front with Lizzy. “I know.”
Lizzy seemed surprised, then shook her head. “Let me guess, Chris told you.”
“Oh. Lizzy, I’m so sorry—”
“What did he tell you?”
Judith wished now that she didn’t know about Maurice. “That she was your lover. That you’d been together for a long time and…that she died of leukemia.”
“Acute myeloid leukemia, to be precise. It’s painful, it’s degrading, and it’s made even crueler by its treatment: chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy…” She leaned back into the couch, closing her eyes. “At first we thought she had the flu. The flu, for Christ’s sake. Six months later she was gone. Just like that. One minute she was fit as a fiddle, the next she was…” Lizzy’s voice faltered, but she took a deep breath. “And you know what makes it worse? Even though she was going through an indescribable hell, she was thinking of me.”
Lizzy’s expression was a mixture of bewilderment and awe, but she seemed to resign herself, letting her head fall back. Judith waited patiently, her heart pounding away.
“I hadn’t seen Isabel since the funeral. I think I saw her as a mirror to the past and I just didn’t want to be reminded of it because I wanted to be in it. Does that make sense to you?”
“I think so.”
“It’s hard having to go on with a life that you no longer want. I think I was scared that seeing her would make it even harder, and I could barely cope with the burden of it as it was.”
Judith had already felt deeply affected to find out that Lizzy had lost her partner, but it filled her heart with immense sorrow to realize that Lizzy found life to be such a burden.
“So what made you go see her now?”
Lizzy hesitated, but she could no longer run from the truth. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt she needed to be honest with Judith.
“You, Emily, the warmth and life you’ve brought into my home, forcing me to confront myself and my actions.”
Judith was speechless. She had had no idea that their presence had affected Lizzy so much.
Lizzy gave a short, dry laugh. “See, a week ago I wouldn’t have been able to tell you all this.” She quickly rose and walked over to the kitchen to pour herself a drink, but after a moment’s hesitation, put the bottle back down and pushed the glass away.
“She’s invited you and Emily to dinner. She insists on meeting you. I understand if you feel too uncomfortable with the idea.”
Uncomfortable. Judith repeated the word in her head. Not only was the invitation completely unexpected, but there was no way she could make sense of its meaning in just the few seconds she had known about it, let alone muster up the feeling of being uncomfortable with it.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why does the grandma of your”—Judith struggled to find the right word. Somehow the word ex didn’t do justice to Maurice’s memory, nor did any other words that came to mind—“Maurice, want to have dinner with me?”
“She said she wants to meet the people who are having such a positive influence on me.”
The expression of puzzled indignation on Lizzy’s face was endearing.
“Do you want me to meet her?”
“I admit, the idea does feel strange, but…yes, I think I’d like you to meet her.”
*
Today of all days, the streetcar that Judith and Emily normally caught back home from the school arrived fifteen minutes late. On top of that Lizzy had been held up at the studio and was late getting home too, but in spite of the setbacks they had all managed to freshen up before clambering into the car and were now standing on Grandma Isabel’s doorstep only a few minutes late.
Judith felt nervous. Not only was she about to meet someone who played an important role in Lizzy’s life, but she was about to meet the grandma of the woman Lizzy had loved and then lost. She still wasn’t sure why Maurice’s grandma wanted to meet her, but she was aware their meeting was significant to Lizzy. Lizzy had been quiet during the drive over and Judith could sense her nervousness, which only heightened her own.
Grandma Isabel opened the door and greeted them warmly. “Judith dear, I’m so happy you could make it.”
Judith was slightly taken aback by her cordiality, but embraced her back.
“And you must be Emily.” She reached out her hand, but Emily didn’t shake it. She merely nodded shyly and moved closer to Judith. Judith was a little surprised at her sudden shyness. Emily had been looking forward to meeting Grandma Isabel and she’d been driving Judith mad with questions about her for the past few days. Grandma Isabel seemed impervious to Emily’s reaction and warmly invited them all in, leading them to the kitchen.
She directed them to sit at the kitchen table, which had already been set, and had Lizzy pour them all something to drink while she checked the garlic bread. It still needed a few more minutes in the oven, so she sat down with them while they waited. Both Lizzy and Emily were quiet, which made Judith feel even more awkward, but Grandma Isabel had no trouble starting up a conversation. She seemed keen to get to know Judith, and although her manner was direct, her questions were unobtrusive. Judith found her easy to talk to and started to feel more at ease with her.
It wasn’t long before they were comfortably eating a warm, rich, homemade stew with roasted garlic bread. Lizzy seemed to relax and started to join in the conversation more willingly and Emily slowly started to come out of her shell. She told Grandma Isabel about her part in the school play and how she had gotten it. Grandma Isabel directed a raised eyebrow at Lizzy when Emily mentioned in not as many words that it had been Lizzy’s idea to do the exact opposite of what her teacher had wanted. Like everybody else, though, once privy to all the facts, Grandma Isabel was sympathetic to Emily’s cause.
They were halfway through their meal when Grandma Isabel asked Judith about her work. Judith felt nervous again. She’d expressly refrained from telling anyone about her job opportunity because of her fear of it not leading to anything, but now that Grandma Isabel had asked, she felt compelled to spill the beans.
“Well, today I found out that I have a job interview for a teaching position next week.”
Lizzy was so surprised she was momentarily speechle
ss. It was Grandma Isabel who was the first to congratulate her.
“Judith dear, that’s wonderful news.”
Judith smiled sheepishly. “It doesn’t really mean anything yet. I mean, I’m grateful for the opportunity, but the chances of me getting it, well, it is a long shot.”
Lizzy found her voice again. “Of course it means something. It means you could be a teacher again.”
“Mommy, does this mean you’re going to be a teacher at my school?”
“No, sweetheart. The job I’m applying for is at another school.”
“Well, I think this calls for a celebration. Lizzy dear, why don’t you pop down to the cellar and bring up one of those wine bottles I keep for special occasions and then Judith can tell us all about it.”
After dinner Lizzy and Judith insisted Grandma Isabel sit and relax while they tackled the dishes. Grandma Isabel eventually gave in, but instead of sitting turned to Emily.
“Would you like to help me feed a special bird, dear?”
“You have a bird? Like at the pet shop?”
“Oh no, I wouldn’t dream of keeping a bird in a cage. All of God’s creatures should be free. No, this bird lives in my garden.”
“But lots of birds live in gardens.”
“True, but this one is different. One day I found him in the garden and I realized he couldn’t fly, so I started putting out food for him and he hasn’t yet decided to leave.”
Emily looked alarmed. “But what if a cat sees him?”
“Well, he’s gone and built himself a little nest, hasn’t he?”
Emily seemed to think this over before asking her next question. “But how can he build himself a nest if he can’t fly?”
Grandma Isabel smiled. “Well, he still has the use of his legs and he’s found himself a nice spot not too high up off the ground which he can reach with a few hops here and there. He’s a very clever bird. So, do you want to help me feed him?”
Awakening to Sunlight Page 17
