by Aja Cole
It’s him.
It’s always been him.
It feels like the man I’ve always known, but it doesn’t. There’s a passion in his kiss, a sensuality in his touch that catches me off guard as much as it pulls me deeper down the rabbit hole. Uncharted territory. It’s as seductively alluring as it is terrifying. I lean into him even more and my hand slips on the material of his pants. His fingers tighten lightly in my hair and I move back to gasp, stilling my hand on the obvious erection that I can feel through the fabric. With just enough space between us for me to see the desire in his face, the flush high on his cheeks, the air is electric around us and I know there’s no going back from here.
I pull away.
This isn’t how I want to do this. I don’t want it clouded by sexual tension. I don’t want it to be a question of if we just took the opportunity in front of us.
I value Ash too much, I feel for him too much for that. We mean too much for a reckless sexual encounter when there are still things that need to be said.
He’s still going on dates with the woman I foisted on him, what the hell am I doing?
I face forward on the couch, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. Laying my cheek on my knees, I look at him, trying to figure out what to say.
I don’t know where to start.
“I need to put on the fries.” He shakes his head and leaves for the kitchen.
I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know if he regrets kissing me, or if it’s something that he’s thought about too. If he has, how long? If he hasn’t, why now? If we crash and burn, what does it mean for our friendship? Does he want to date me, or is he just sexually attracted to me and wants to scratch an itch? Is he attracted to me, or is it convenient? Is he still going to date Heidi?
The history, there’s so much damned history.
Is it selfish to admit my feelings, or is it selfish to keep them hidden?
I wish I had my phone so I could text Tara or Gemma or someone. I need a sounding board. I need someone to tell me if I’m fucked up, or finally doing something right.
“I hope you still like sweet potato fries.” He slides a plate on the table in front of me, along with the ketchup, mayonnaise, and spicy mustard. I always mix my ketchup and mayo together, and I love spicy mustard on my burgers instead of regular mustard. He comes back with his plate and sits down, pushing a glass of water towards me and starting to eat quietly.
The silence isn’t exactly uncomfortable, but it’s full. It’s heavy. I don’t like it.
“Ash, I—”
“Eat first,” he says firmly. “We’ll talk about it after.”
“Thanks for dinner.” I swirl a fry in my mayo and ketchup mixture. “Nice that you remembered.”
He glances at me from the corner of eye before he focuses on his plate again, picking up his burger. His answer fills me with warmth and makes me want to tear up, and I’ve never been a damned crier.
“I remember everything about you, Nova. Always have.”
I take our plates and glasses to the kitchen when we’re finished, and he at least lets me do that. I can’t even do the dishes, because he still has the habit of cleaning as he goes. I’m a dump everything in the sink and get to it when I get to it type of person.
I also don’t like cleaning, but I’m not messy. Well, I’m not if I’m sharing the space with someone. My place, on the other hand, is a little haphazard since I live alone.
There’s too much going on in my mind most days to worry about keeping a spotless living space, okay?
Ash looks up when I enter the living room, his face expressionless. But his eyes, they’re wary. It seems he’s dreading talking about the kiss, just like I am.
“You okay? Need any Tylenol?”
“I’m fine. A little tenderness, but no real pain.” I drop onto the couch and rub my lips together. Steeling myself, I face him head on, unblinking. It’s time to woman up. “I don’t regret that kiss,” I blurt out, watching his face for any reaction.
The only sign of anything is a slight flicker in his eyes before he shuts it down, and his expression is neutral again.
“I don’t regret it either,” he says carefully.
“Okay.” I exhale. “That’s a start. Which is good, because I wasn’t really sure where to start because I think there’s a lot that we need to talk about but it would take awhile if we tried to cover everything right now so I was trying to figure out if there’s one specific place that we should jump from before we move on to everyth—”
“I’m in love with you. I have been for as long as I can remember,” he says simply, nodding at me, looking as if he didn’t just turn my whole world completely upside down. “Now, what would you like to say?”
I gape, blinking hard. Feeling for the pillow behind me, I whack him with it. And then I whack him with it again, and again, and again as hard as I can. I don’t let up until he wrestles it away from me and we’re both breathing hard.
He’s taken my pillow away, so now I have to just go with my hands. I swat at his arms, and his chest.
“Hey, Nova, hey, chill! I’m sorry!” He doesn’t sound sorry, he sounds like he’s laughing at me and that just makes me even madder. I don’t even know that I’m crying, until I feel the hot drops hit the back of my hand and I look at it like it’s foreign.
“All this time.” I crumple, wrapping my arms around myself. “All this fucking time.” I feel his arms come around me and I cry harder, turning into him, and he pulls me into his lap, tightening his grip.
“I love you, you idiot, I’ve loved you for so long.” I sob, my own emotions too much for me to handle. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he counters, and I hear him sniff so I pull back. His eyes are watery too, and I wipe under them with my thumbs as he wipes my face too.
“It was so cliché. Girl falling for her best friend. I didn’t think you saw me like that.”
“I didn’t think you saw me like that, are you fucking kidding? I thought for sure that you’d laugh in my face knowing I got all wrapped up.”
“Fuck.” I moan, burying my head in his chest. “I can’t believe Riley was right.”
He pulls me back a little so he can see my face. “Wait, she told you too? She’s been trying to get me to tell you how I feel for years.”
“Oh my God.” I knock him on the chest with both my fists. “Yes. I even told her while I was drunk one night how much I wished there was a chance for something between us.”
“I’m an idiot.” He groans. “That’s what she meant. Damn. Well, if it’s any consolation, I’d decided to tell you today before everything happened.”
“It’s not.” I scowl, even though I can’t exactly be mad because I never said anything either. God, we’ve wasted so much time being afraid to just be honest with each other. How many other people have fucked up their own happiness by doing that? By being afraid to accept their truths?
He presses a kiss to my forehead and sighs. “Damn.”
“Right.”
He jumps and reaches into one of his pockets. “Your phone’s vibrating. Oh, wait, this is mine.” Looking at the caller ID, his face darkens and my brow rises.
“Well?”
His forehead creases and he closes his eyes, which are full of regret when he opens them. “It’s Heidi.”
Oh.
16
Asher
Nova went to run a bath and give me privacy to talk to Heidi.
I’m making myself not think about her stripping down, or sliding her lithe body into the ridiculous amount of bubbles that I know she’s put in. Definitely not wishing I could see the water parting for her body and rippling over her gorgeous skin.
Nope. I’m good.
Now, to let someone down.
Sure, we’re not in an exclusive relationship, but I hate that Heidi’s going to be blindsided by me expressing my wishes not to take things further. I don’t feel as shitty because I
know I wanted to end things even before I found out how Nova felt.
What a goddamned cluster-fuck.
How did I miss it? Did I not imagine those moments we had over the years, after all? I chalked up so much to my own fantasies instead of the possibility that there was something, and I guess she was doing the exact same thing.
It’s mind-blowing.
Riley’s going to have a field day when she gets back and finds out everything that’s happened.
“Heidi, hey.” I answer the phone, walking over to the window of my high-rise, looking at the Atlanta skyline and all the lights down below.
“Hey, Asher. How are you?” Her voice is warm, and I rub a hand over my neck, trying to figure out how to do this. I’ve never had to. Going to a club that caters to me when I reach a point where I need an outlet has been it for me.
Damn, that’s something else we need to talk about. I wish things were as simple as us having feelings for each other, but it’s not. Love is only one part of the equation, and if everything else doesn’t match up…it’s over.
“I’m well. I’m glad you called, actually.” I squeeze my eyes shut, smacking my forehead lightly. Wrong thing to say, dickhead. Now she’s going to think you’re glad because you’re still interested.
“Well, I thought maybe you could come over for a late dinner tonight. Have our third date in a little bit more of an…intimate setting.” Her voice drops, and I wish I had a wall to beat my head against. I have to pull this back, fast.
“I don’t want to lead you on, Heidi. I had a good time on our dates, but I’m not feeling the connection I’m looking for, and I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”
There, that can’t be considered ass-holish, right? That was solid, if I might say so myself.
Silence.
“How long have you not felt a connection.” I can almost see her quoting the words, and there’s a low fury in her voice that takes me back. I thought we had fun, but I didn’t get the feeling she was super invested either. It was two dates, and we haven’t so much as hugged.
“There’s no specific time. I just don’t think that we’re a good fit.”
“How would you know? You’re not even giving us a real chance. Maybe we need to build some intimacy before you just give up on something that could be really good.”
Unease is creeping up my spine, and I realize that there’s no good way to end this. We’re on different pages, and dragging it out won’t be good for either of us.
“I hope you find someone that you really mesh with, Heidi. Thanks for your time.”
“Who’s the bitch?” She cuts me off, accusation in her voice. “You’re picking some sports groupie instead of me? Is that it? I don’t stroke your ego enough? I turn down men daily, and you think that you can just throw me away?”
Okay. This is over.
“Good luck with everything, Heidi.” I end the call and my finger hovers over the block caller option. After brief hesitation, I press it and confirm it. It’s best to leave whatever that was, exactly where it is.
That came right out of left-field. Nothing could’ve made me guess at that reaction from her. She seems so classy and self-assured. If anything, I expected her to say that it’s my loss, but she wishes me the best.
Just when you think you’ve got a good bead on someone.
I’m making up the bed in my second bedroom, tucking the sheets under the corners of the queen size mattress, when Nova appears at the door. Her hair is in a curly bun atop her head, and her brown skin has a light sheen to it, making it look silky and touchable. She’s wearing one of my football camp tees, and my chest puffs a little at seeing her in my foundation’s logo. I know the large shirt is hiding slim curves. Naturally wide brown eyes, inky black lashes, and lips that pout just enough to always be sensual.
Even when she was all arms and legs, complaining that she looked like a boy because she didn’t fill out at the same time as the other girls, she was the most captivating thing to me. I wrote many a terrible song about Nova Quentin, strumming on my guitar and keeping my feelings to myself.
“How’d it go? Are you…still dating?” she asks hesitantly, and my brows snap together in surprise.
“I just told you how long I’ve been into you, and you think I’m going to keep dating someone else?”
She shrugs, walking to the bed and rounding the other side. She tucks the other end of the sheet in, smoothing it out as I grab the flat sheet and push one side towards her.
“I don’t know. It’s not like we’ve had time to talk about what it means, or what happens now.” We tuck the corners and pull back the top, and I grab the pillows from the floor, tossing them on.
“Well, duh, but what it definitely does not mean is that I’m going to date someone else. Are you thinking about dating someone else?” I narrow my eyes. “Because I’m not okay with that. At all.”
She shoots me an amused glance. “I’m not. Promise.”
“Good. Oh, and Heidi isn’t too happy with me. I tried not to be an asshole about it. I didn’t mention you, since I made my decision before, but she basically seemed pissed that I have the nerve to throw her away when she’s so in-demand.”
“Really?” Her eyes widen. “Damn, maybe I should’ve paid more attention to how her dating life goes. She just seems really put together, and I thought that might be a good fit for you.”
“Do I strike you as someone who wants that much polish? Apparently it was hiding some cracks.”
“I saw the girls you take to events, the blonde girl in particular.” She doesn’t look at me, adjusting a pillow that doesn’t need to be adjusted. “And I know what other players’ women look like. I’m not those girls.”
“Nova,” I say sharply. Her eyes fly to mine, and I shake my head slowly. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Is that part of why you left? You thought you wouldn’t fit whatever mold you created in your mind of what I’d want after being drafted?”
She looks away, guilty, and I drop my head back, staring at the ceiling.
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now.” I shake my head and leave the room, going to my own. It seems like she decided a lot of things without asking me. Just thinking of where we could be right now if a lot of shit didn’t go unsaid is sobering. Remembering that retreating won’t do any good, I turn back around, but she’s followed me and is leaning on the hallway wall.
“I don’t need or want any of them. I never have. Apparently the only woman that’s been on my mind is this messy, forgetful girl that still bites her nails and is allergic to wearing a dress for too long, even though her legs are phenomenal.” I walk closer and she brace my hands over her, eyes glued to those damned lips. “I’m in love with a girl who thinks she knows what I’m thinking better than I do. I’m in love with a girl who, for some reason, won’t believe that everything I’ve done for her has been exactly what I wanted. Now, why is that? Why won’t this girl believe that even when she didn’t know it, she was the only choice for me?”
“Maybe she didn’t think she was good enough,” she whispers, playing with the fabric of my shirt that’s covering my chest. “Maybe she saw you as this amazing, selfless, talented guy that she was lucky even looked her way at all, and she didn’t want to push her luck.”
“Well, she’s a fucking idiot.” I drop my lips to her ear and see her close her eyes, hands stilling. “And he’s a fucking idiot too, because he didn’t say anything for the same reasons.”
17
Nova
“I hope we didn’t make that bed up for me.” I peer up at him, brushing a finger over the small shaving cut on his face as he moves back.
“I didn’t want to assume.”
“You can assume. I don’t mind.”
“Remember that when I order anchovies on the pizza.” His gives a half smile and my mouth twists in disgust.
“Now you’re getting out of hand.”
His eyes are s
oft grey, molten. Tender.
“I like when you look at me like that.” I reach up and pull him closer to me, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, the first since earlier.
“I’ve always looked at you like this,” he says, turning his head side to side and brushing his lips playfully against mine.
“I guess I wasn’t paying attention. But I am now.” I get the words out right before his mouth takes mine seriously and he pulls me deeper into his body. I can feel the hard length of his cock against my stomach, feel my nipples hardening and pressing wantonly against the fabric of my shirt. A sharp pang of arousal settles in my womb and heat fires under my skin, making me whimper against his lips.
“I don’t want to rush this.” He breathes hard, and it sounds like forcing the words out pains him. “We’ve got time.”
“We’ve wasted time.” I lick at his skin, and he groans.
“A little more won’t hurt, then.” He sets me away and I push my lower lip out. He shakes out his hands and his head like he’s clearing it, then pops his hands on his hips.
Hips that my legs could be wrapped around right now if he would just get on board.
“It’s late, we should sleep.”
“If you think I’m sleeping in the same bed as you after you’ve rejected me, you’re mistaken.” I scowl, and he raises a challenging eyebrow. I don’t like the look in his eye.
“You think?” he asks, voice low.
I hesitate. “I do.”
“Okay.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and backs away. “Goodnight.” He turns and goes into his room, closing the door.
I stare at it, wondering if I missed something. When it stays closed, I huff and go into the guest bedroom, shutting the door and falling face forward on the bed.
Men.
I slide out of Asher’s arms without waking him up. His light snores don’t even pause, and I shut the door to his bedroom behind me and make my way to the kitchen.
The bastard was so smug because he waited until I fell asleep to take me to his bed.
