by Jay McLean
"I need to talk to you."
"I have nothing to say to you."
He starts to leave, and for a split second I almost give up. I know men like him, my dad is just like him. His pride comes first and his sense comes second. He wants to be right, even when he's wrong, and he likes to have power over me. But this is bigger than his pride. And it's bigger than him and I. "I think Lucy's sick."
He freezes, his shoulders rigid, and his breath heavy. He slowly turns to me, his mask faltering. "What do you mean she's sick?"
I ask him to talk somewhere more private. No one needs to know his business, and I'm not one to air it publicly.
He takes me to his portable office and sits behind his desk. I stay standing. I don't want to get comfortable, and he shouldn't have that luxury either. "While your wife was dying, Lucy was making herself sick. She'd make herself throw up." I sniff back my stupid tears and speak through the lump that's formed in my throat. "She said she did it to feel alive. That when things got really bad, she wanted to feel alive. That night when Lachlan was sick and you came to your senses... I walked in on her doing it. She says she hasn't done it since, but I haven't been around for the past two weeks, and I'm guessing you haven't either."
He doesn't respond. He just looks out the window, too ashamed to face me... to face up to what he didn't know.
"I'm telling you because I care about her."
He turns to me now, his tough-guy persona completely wiped.
"I'm telling you because I love her. I love her more than absolutely anything in this entire world. I'm hurting not being able to see her, so I can't imagine how she's feeling. I have my mom, I have her boyfriend, and they help me get through every day. She probably has no one."
He leans his elbows on his desk and drops his head between his shoulders.
"If she's doing it again... if she's chasing that high of feeling alive... if she's so far gone that she's making herself sick again... I'll never forgive you. And one day, when she somehow gets through all of this, neither will she."
CHAPTER TWELVE
-LUCY-
I don't bother answering the knock on my door. If it's one of the boys, they'd just walk in. But I know it's not them because they haven't been around for days. They must know. They must be able to read me. Just like Cameron can.
Dad enters without explanation. I sit at the edge of my bed, facing the bathroom. That's where he goes; drill in one hand and a wrench in the other. His footsteps are heavy as he walks to the toilet and drops the lid. Then he proceeds to screw the lid onto the base.
I should care—but I just don't.
When he's done, he gets his wrench and removes the faucet and handles from the sink. He opens the cupboard underneath and works on something there. Finally, he gets up and walks out of the bathroom. I think he's going to leave, but he doesn't. Instead, he sits on my bed next to me and drops his tools. And then he cries. Hard, and loud, into his hands.
I should care—but I just can't.
"Help me," he says quietly. "I don't know what I'm doing."
And then it finally dawns on me—what he just did. He must know. Cameron must have told him.
"I hate you," I whisper, my gaze unfocused.
"I know."
"You made me hate myself."
"I know, Luce, I'm sorry.
Tears fall. I let them. "You know what the worst part is?"
"Tell me. Talk to me, please."
"The worst part is that you made me feel ashamed—when I have nothing to be ashamed of. And you used Mom's memory to make me feel like that. You took something beautiful from me and you made me ashamed of it. I love Cameron. And I know Mom would have loved him too. You know how I know? Because she would have seen him for what he is. She would have seen the boy that was there for me every day when you couldn't be. When I needed you the most, you turned your back on me. But Cam—he didn't. And he wouldn't. Even now, after everything we've put him through, he's still here. He still shows up every day. He still cares enough to tell you that I need saving. But I don't need you to save me, Dad. I need Cameron. And I don't care what you say. I don't care how you feel because you don't understand. You don't understand because you didn't care enough to ask. All you did was call me a whore—and you used Mom to fuel your fire. And I hate you for that."
I hear his sob get louder, but I don't care.
"You might think that we're young, or that we're naive, but you married Mom after two months. You think if you guys met when you were fifteen that your feelings for each other would have been different? You think your lives would be different? You think this home—this family you both built together would be different?"
I stay silent and wait for his answer.
It never comes, and it pisses me off, because I deserve answers. I face him now, no longer afraid of him. "Do you?"
He shakes his head slowly. "No, Lucy. I don't think so."
"That's what I thought." I turn away, returning my focus to nowhere ahead of me. "Now imagine someone took that away from you. Imagine if you couldn't have the one thing that gave you hope. That's right... it did get taken away. Mom's been taken away. But the difference is that you got your life, you got your kids, you got your home. You got to share all of that with your love, your hope." I turn back to him now, making him look me in the eyes. "Mom would've fallen in love with him, just like I did. And I hate you because you took my hope away from me."
***
"Lucy." I wake up to Dad shaking me gently. When I open my eyes, I see that it's daylight. It's the first time I've slept through the night since the last time I saw Cameron.
My head's pounding from all the crying.
"Lucy," he says again. "Get up. We need to go. Meet me downstairs in ten minutes."
I don't even question him. There's nothing left to question. After our talk, he cried some more, and apologized until I told him to leave. By the end of it, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
He drives to a familiar neighborhood, one that I haven't been to in two weeks. He stops at the front of Cameron's townhouse and jerks his head to the front door. "Go get your boyfriend."
I don't think twice. I'm already smiling when I get to his door. It opens before I get a chance to knock. His eyes go wide, and then he laughs—the relieved kind of laugh. I throw my arms around him and kiss him a thousand times. But I feel his body tense, and I know that he can see Dad waiting. "What's going on, Luce?"
And it's then I realize how much I missed him. His voice. His dark eyes. His dirty blond hair. His perfect face. His smell. Everything.
"I don't know." I shrug. "He just brought me here and told me to get you. Are you coming?"
His gaze moves from Dad's car to me. "Babe, I have to work at the dealership."
"No you don't," Mark's voice sounds from somewhere in the house. A second later he's behind Cam, rubbing his shoulders. "Go be with your girl." He smiles over Cam's shoulder. "Lucy." He nods once. "It's good to see you. We've missed you around here."
*
We drive into town in complete silence. I sit in the front and he sits in the back chewing his nails. They never even greet each other.
*
"What's going on?" he whispers from next to me.
I watch Dad pacing the floor of the doctor's waiting room. "I don't know," I whisper back.
The receptionist calls my name and I stand up, so does Cam. We still don't know what we're doing here. "Let's go," Dad deadpans.
An older man—the doctor I presume—holds the door open for all three of us.
"Dr. Matthews," Cam says, shaking the doctor's hand. He holds the back of a chair and waits for me to sit before taking the seat next to me.
"How are you, Cameron?" the doctor asks.
My brows pinch in confusion.
"I'm okay, sir." He holds my hand and settles it on the desk in front of us. "This is my girlfriend Lucy."
The doctor smiles at me—the kind of warm, genuine smile that I find rare. "I see yo
u're batting above your average," he says to Cam.
Cam chuckles. "Yes, sir. And I know it, too." He faces me and motions his head to the doctor. "This is Logan's dad."
My eyes go wide. "Oh."
Dr. Matthews lets out a laugh. "I promise I don't have my son's asshole tendencies." He winks, and I find myself relaxing.
"He's not so bad," I tell him. "He saved me from bullies once."
His smile is instant.
"You never told me that," Cam states.
I shrug. "It wasn't important. It's not like I'm into him," I joke.
Cam scoffs. "Nice. I'll remember that."
Everyone laughs. Everyone but Dad. Instead, he clears his throat, causing us to stop and pay attention. He steps behind me and places his hands on my chair. "I would—I mean, it's up to them—but I think it would be a good idea to discuss birth control."
I choke on air.
Cam lets out an indescribable sound.
Dr. Matthews' eyes dart between us. "Is this something you two would like to consider, or at least discuss?"
Silence.
Dead. Frickin'. Silence.
Then Cam clears his throat, similar to Dad only seconds ago. "We've spoken about it, sir. We want to wait until we're both mature enough to handle it emotionally. Lucy hasn't given me a time frame and I'm happy with that. I told her I'd wait, and I meant it. I'd wait forever. I don't know that it's something we have to think about right now, but if it would help her father—for his peace of mind, then I think it's a good idea." He turns to face me, squeezing my hand at the same time. "If you're comfortable with it, babe, I think it might be something we should do."
I nod. Not for me or my Dad, but for Cameron. Because he said we. It's something we should do.
Cam and I decide on Implanon—a tiny rod that gets implanted just under the skin on my arm and lasts for three years. Cam hates it. He thinks it should be him doing something, not me. He cringes as he watches it get inserted. "I'm sorry," he whispers, but he has absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
*
I thought that Dad would drive Cameron back to his house, but he doesn't. He drives us home and asks us to wait at the dining table. "I'm scared," I tell Cameron.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple. "You don't need to be scared, Luce. You never have to be scared when I'm here."
The scraping of a chair has us pulling apart. Dad sits opposite us, his gaze moving from me to Cam, and back again. Then slowly, he pushes a piece of paper toward me. A brochure. Family counseling. I look up at him. "I don't need counseling."
Cam settles his hand on my leg under the table.
"I know," Dad says. "But I do, Luce. I need help. Not just with raising you kids on my own but coping with having to." He leans his elbows on the table and speaks only to me. "You were absolutely right with what you said yesterday. You don't need me to save you, you have Cameron. But I need saving. And I have no one. The counseling is for me."
I open my mouth to speak but he raises his hand to stop me.
"You can't forgive my actions based on my words. Forgive me when my actions have proven that I deserve it."
*
"I still hate him." I bury my face further into his chest and throw my arm over his stomach. We're lying on my dock, waiting for the sun to set.
"I know. He said some pretty harsh things."
"Do you think your mom would let me live with you until college?"
He laughs softly. "I think I'd find a way to sneak you in and out even if she said no, but I don't think that would solve anything. It wouldn't make things right."
"I know," I sigh.
"I get where he's coming from. It has to be hard for him. And you're his little girl. He's struggling with losing your mom, and now he thinks he's losing you too."
I sit up and lean on my outstretched arm so I can look at his face.
He reaches up and moves my hair away from my eye. "I don't know, Luce. It's hard for me to understand. My dad—" His sigh cuts him off. "It's like he knows I exist, he just doesn't care that I do. He doesn't even pretend to. He doesn't even try. So it's hard for me to see things from your perspective when all I can see is a man trying to heal and make things right with you." He tries to smile but it doesn't work. "All I'm saying is that I think he means well. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. We just need to support him and give him time."
And even though I don't agree with him, I nod anyway, because he did it again. He said we. We need to give him some time.
He smiles and pulls me back into him. "I love this time of day."
"Sunset?"
"Yeah. You wanna know why?"
I nod against his chest.
"Because it reminds me of us."
"How?"
"Because it's eternal, the rise and fall of the sun. It's forever. Just like us."
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
-CAMERON-
"Hey, you wanna hear something really lame?"
She smiles and shuts her locker door. "What?"
"Mom, Mark and I do this thing a couple of nights a year. It's called Movie Madness."
"What do you do in said Movie Madness?"
"We have a movie marathon." She hands me her books so she can tie up her hair. It used to be a dark brown, but the summer sun has made it lighter than I've ever seen. She asked me if she should dye it—make it lighter again. I told her she didn't need to. The darker it was the more her blue eyes stood out. She laughed and asked if I'd been reading her books. I didn't really know what that meant, but obviously it was a good thing because it started a make-out session that lasted two hours.
"That sounds cool." She starts to walk away, and I follow, her books still in my hands.
Logan walks past and makes a whipping motion with his hand.
"Fuck you," I mouth.
His head throws back in silent laughter. Then he stops walking and his eyes glisten with amusement. "Hey, Luce," he says, walking up to us.
She turns to him. "Yeah?"
"Did you have a growth spurt or something over the summer?" His eyes wander up and down her body.
"No."
"Oh." He eyes me quickly before returning his gaze to her. "Just seems like these little skirts of yours are getting shorter. Or maybe it's just been a while since I've seen you." He steps forward. "I didn't realize how much I missed you until now." He stretches his arms out, an invitation to hug him.
I wait for her reaction, my fists already balled. Her eyebrows pinch as she looks from him to me, and back again. She shakes her head quickly and ducks under his arm and into mine.
I laugh. "Get your own girlfriend to hug you."
He shakes his head and chuckles. "Jake!" he shouts. "Come hug me!"
Jake walks over with his eyes already narrowed. "Nah, mate, I'm good."
Dylan and his girlfriend Heidi join us and Logan quickly comes up with an excuse to leave. He does it a lot when those two are together. The bell rings and everyone bails. "So what about your movie madness?" Lucy asks, taking her books back.
"Oh, yeah. It's tonight. You wanna come?"
"It's not a family thing?"
I roll my eyes. "You are family."
Ducking her head, she tries to hide her smile. "Okay." She looks back up, her smile still in place, and kisses me longer than she's ever done at school. "I'll see you after school. I love you." And then she's gone.
I stand in the middle of the empty hallway, smiling like an idiot.
"Get to class!" she yells over her shoulder.
I don't even have my books.
***
Once she's climbed into Filmore and clipped her seatbelt on, she turns to me. "What movies are we watching?"
"We watch all of our favorites, mine first, then Mom's and then Marky Mark's."
"What are they?"
"Back to the Future, Aladdin, and Lethal Weapon. And after that, they said we can try to watch your favorite."
She smiles again, that same shy smile
from earlier. I move in, kiss her cheek, and start to reverse out of the spot.
We make it a mile home before my car breaks down.
"Stupid Filmore." I kick the tire.
She comes up and wraps her arms around me, trying to calm me. "I feel bad that you spent your money on this. I know you were doing it for me, but you could have got something more reliable."
I sigh. "It doesn't matter. It's done now."
"You don't think it's fixable?"
I shake my head, my smile tight. "It's going to cost more to fix than it's worth. I'm just pissed. It's not your fault. I'm sorry."
She pulls her phone out of her bra. Her skirts and tanks rarely have pockets. "Dad?" she says, holding the phone to her ear.
My eyes narrow in confusion.
"Filmore's broken. Can you organize a tow?" She gives him our location.
Ten minutes later he arrives. Another five minutes and the tow truck shows up. Half an hour after that, I'm told that Filmore needs a new home in car heaven. Basically where I found him.
Tom stands in front of us shaking his head. "I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "I know you got Filmore to help out with Luce and the boys and I appreciate it." His words don't surprise me. Luce says that he's been doing therapy twice a week in the few months since he started. She's gone to a few sessions with him and they've been working through his issues. She tells me that it helps, and I'm glad it does. She says that I gave her a new perspective, that even though he messed up, he's trying. Which is more than I can say for my dad.
He rubs his hand across his beard and looks between Lucy and I. "You guys heading to our house or what?"
Lucy answers for both of us. "We were gonna go to Cam's." And even though we can walk to my house, we accept his offer for a ride. Because it's not just about the ride, it's the message behind it. He's making an effort. Not just for Luce, but for me, too.
***
"Where's Filmore?" Mark asks, walking into the kitchen.
Lucy exaggerates a pout. "Car heaven."
Mark's eyes move from Lucy, to Mom, then finally to me. "That sucks, bud. I'm sorry."
Shrugging, I state, "It was inevitable." I let out a bitter laugh. "Just means Lucy's back to riding shotgun on the back of my bike."
