Cimarron Refuge

by Margaret Daley

  Peter poured some into a plastic mauve-colored tumbler and stuck a straw into it. After adjusting her bed so she sat up halfway, he helped her take a drink.

  When she was through, she looked at him. “So you’re the one who drew guard duty.”

  “I volunteered. Gladly, I might add.”

  “Who found me?”

  “Laura.”

  “Thank goodness for that girl. She’s worth keeping around—” Alice directed the full force of her gaze at Peter “—if a man is smart.”

  “No matchmaking, young lady.”

  Her smile erased some of the pallor from her skin. “I haven’t been young in ages. I think you need to ask Jacob for the name of a good eye doctor.”

  “My vision is fine. You’re young where it counts, in your heart.”

  “Tell that to this old body.” Her perceptive gaze assessed him. “Go home. You look like death warmed over.”

  “Thanks. That brings such a pretty picture to mind, especially in a hospital.” The mention of death did bring to mind the conversation he’d had with Laura yesterday in the waiting room. “Did you ever blame me for Paul’s death?”

  Alice’s eyes widened. “Why in the world would I do that? He had a heart attack.”

  “I couldn’t do CPR. That might have saved him.”

  “Paul died the way he wanted, quickly. He lived a good life and felt as though he’d served his purpose, so I would never have blamed you. You were with him when he died. He wasn’t alone. I’m thankful for that.”

  These past few days seemed to be his time to confront issues he’d suppressed. First Diana Friday night and now Paul’s death. Laura was right. People tend to overanalyze situations sometimes, especially when someone they love dies. What-ifs aren’t the solution. They are the problem.

  “I’m gonna live, so quit frowning, Peter.”

  “I’m sorry. I was thinking about something that happened the other day.”

  “Will you do me a favor?”

  Peter leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, his hands loosely clasped. “Anything.”

  “Let me help you. I haven’t had much of a chance these past few years.”

  He knew exactly what she was referring to. When Diana left, he cut himself off from everyone, kept everything locked up inside of himself. If it hadn’t been for Jacob cornering him one evening, he wouldn’t have even known anything. Of course, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to count back from when Diana had given birth to her son. “I discovered I hadn’t really forgiven Diana for her betrayal. I said I had and I thought I had, but I hadn’t. Even thinking about it right now pains me.”

  Alice frowned. “Do you still love her?”

  “No. No. It’s the thought of her sleeping with another man, and worse, giving him a child, something we had talked about, wanted for so long. How do I forgive her? She betrayed everything our marriage stood for.”

  She closed her eyes for a few seconds. “I haven’t told another soul this, not even our minister. After Paul and I were going through a rocky patch in our marriage, early on, he had an affair. When I found out about it, I nearly left him. I would have except he begged me to forgive him. At first I couldn’t. I tried. Then I turned to my Bible and read everything I could about forgiveness. By the time I finished, my anger was gone. I loved Paul. His affair didn’t change that. I have never regretted forgiving him that day. It’s always better to let go of our anger and forgive those who trespass against us.” She yawned. “Son, I want you to go home and get some rest. You look awful. That way I won’t feel guilty when I go to sleep.”

  He laughed and stood, kissing her on the cheek. “Leave it to you to tell me the unbridled truth.”

  “Always. That’s why I want you to know I think that Laura would be perfect for you. Don’t pussyfoot around and let her slip through your fingers.”

  Out in the hall he thought of what Alice had said about Laura. Obviously the subtle approach—if he could call what had transpired over the summer subtle—to matchmaking hadn’t worked, so Alice was going for a more direct one. He laughed again and made his way toward the chapel. He had some thanking to do and some thinking.

  * * *

  LAURA ENTERED THE CHAPEL, a simply decorated room with an altar and four rows of pews. The light through the large round multicolored stained-glass window danced across the maroon carpet in the front. She found Peter in the first pew.

  When she’d seen his truck in the parking lot, she’d thought she would see him in Alice’s room, but it had been empty except for Alice sleeping, a serenity about her. After checking in the cafeteria, Laura had decided to check the chapel. She strode to the front and sat next to him.

  He looked up, surprise fluttering across his expression. “I didn’t expect to see you so soon. You should be home resting.”

  “When you have four kids, it can be hard to rest during the day. Is everything all right?”

  “Better now that Alice is out of surgery and doing okay. The doctor says she’ll be walking in no time.”

  “I saw her. She’s asleep so I didn’t want to disturb her.”

  “I need to head home. Feed the animals.”

  “Don’t worry about that. I dropped Chad and Sean off and they’re taking care of it. In fact, different members of the youth group will pitch in the next week so you don’t have to do anything but be at school and make sure Alice is taken care of.”

  “Who organized that?”

  “Me. The Shepherd Project is theirs now as much as yours. Let them do this for you.”

  His hand covered hers on the pew between them. “I’m amazed by your abilities. You just jump right in and take over. I haven’t had to worry about a lot of things having to do with the foundation because of you. Thank you.”

  His compliment gave her the confidence to ask, “Then you won’t mind doing a TV interview for our local station about the fund-raiser? It’s getting near the time and I know we’ve gotten a lot of publicity with the show, but I want to hit this hard while we have that edge.”

  “When?”

  “That’s the bad part. They want to show it Wednesday so they will need to interview you tomorrow. I realize that’s the first day of school so the timing isn’t good for you. They want to get your reaction and comments on the aftermath of the More Than Dreams show, then they want to do a follow-up after it’s shown nationally.”

  He scrubbed his hands down his face. “I need a secretary or something.”

  “If the foundation grows as big as I think it will, how are you going to handle that and your job?”

  His laugh held no humor. “I never thought about the heavy workload when I came up with the idea. In the past week we have received tons of donations, so you’re probably right.”

  “Haven’t you discovered that I’m always right?”

  “Actually I have.”

  Again Laura couldn’t ignore the feelings his words generated in her. She felt as though she could handle anything. In all the years of her marriage to Stephen, she’d never experienced that. “Keep that up and my face will be flaming-red.”

  “I like it when you blush.”

  He gave her a heart-melting smile that sent her pulse into overdrive. “Yeah, red is one of my favorite colors.”

  “One?”

  “I have a lot of them. I never can choose just one. I love orange, yellow, red and pink.”

  “All the warm colors. That doesn’t surprise me. Those are Alice’s, too.”

  “I knew I liked her.”

  “I talked with her this morning about not being able to save Paul.”

  “And knowing Alice I’m sure she reassured you that it was out of your hands when Paul died.”

  Peter cocked his head to the side, his eyes round. “You have gotten to know her well. That wasn’t all I talked to her about. We discussed my inability to forgive Diana and she gave me some advice to think on. That was what I was doing in here.”

  “What advice?”

 
“To let go of my anger and to forgive. That anger only poisons us, keeps us from living our lives fully. It’s like extra weight we carry around, dragging us down. I see that now. It caused me to pull back from life.”

  His words hit home. Laura felt exhausted from her emotions concerning Stephen, and yet it wasn’t simply deciding not to be angry anymore, not when the pain had a stranglehold on her that went back years.

  He took her hand again. “I know I can’t do this alone. Will you stay with me?”

  She couldn’t refuse his request. He’d done so much for her and her family. She bowed her head and opened her heart, desperately needing to let go of her anger, too. To forgive, then forget.

  I’m trying but I can’t get past it. I wish I was more like Peter and could forgive Stephen. How?

  “Peter, what Alice told you could apply to me, too.” The quaver in her voice italicized the shaky ground she was exploring. It wasn’t easy for her to let someone into her life, and yet his words earlier about forgiving held a truth and wisdom in them she couldn’t turn away from.

  “How so?”

  “I’ve told you that my marriage to Stephen was in trouble when he died. It was more than that. I spent years living with a man who put me down whenever he could. At the beginning it wasn’t so bad, but the longer I stayed married to him the worse it got, especially as he lost more and more money gambling. I should have seen the signs before we got married, but I was so young and I thought I was in love with the high school football star. What a cliché. The cheerleader and the football star.”

  A memory invaded the peacefulness of the chapel. Two weeks before their marriage Stephen had found her writing in her journal. When she wouldn’t share it with him, he had taken it and torn the pages into hundreds of pieces then thrown them at her. He’d stormed away as the paper fluttered to the floor around her. Two reasons had kept her from backing out of getting married: Stephen’s wonderful, tender apology and the financial investment her parents had put into the wedding.

  “Why did you stay?”

  The tenderness in Peter’s expression encouraged her to say more. “For my children. But even that isn’t probably the total truth. I think I was afraid of the unknown. At least with Stephen I knew what to expect or at least I thought so until I discovered Stephen had gambled away our entire life savings and put us into debt. He’d lost his business and it wasn’t going to be long before we lost our home.”

  The day the bank had called was the day her eyes had been opened fully about her husband. Finding out he hadn’t paid the mortgage in four months floored her—still did even with the passage of time. But she had been clueless because Stephen had handled all the finances, would only give her a meager household allowance. She’d pinched pennies while he had been gambling away everything.

  “I don’t know if I can forgive him like you did with Diana. I want to, but it isn’t that easy. There’s so much...” Her throat constricted around the rest of the sentence, and she couldn’t finish.

  Facing her, he clasped her upper arms. “So much hurt?”

  She nodded, unable to say anything. Tell him the whole story. She couldn’t. It had been so hard giving him a glimpse into the emotional turmoil she’d lived in for years. She shouldn’t have married Stephen, but when he had begun his mental games with her, she should have walked away from her marriage. Instead, she’d stayed. Now she realized her children had suffered, and they had been the very reason she had stayed.

  He pulled her to him and held her tightly against him. The gentleness in his embrace nearly undid her. Peter was such a good man. But was she missing some subtle sign that he wasn’t whom she thought he was? Could she trust her judgment now?

  * * *

  PETER PULLED UP to his house, exhausted from the past few days at the hospital and the emotional roller-coaster ride he’d gone through, but also at peace truly for the first time in years. Talking with Laura in the chapel had renewed him, and the fact that she’d finally opened up to him gave him hope there might be a future for them. When he had walked out of the place twenty minutes ago, he’d left behind his anger with Diana and had forgiven her for having an affair. He felt free and once he got some sleep, ready to take on the world—and his relationship with Laura.

  When he started for his patio, he saw Chad head out into the back pasture, carrying a shovel. Peter took a detour toward the barn. He would check to make sure everything was all right with the animals then go get some sleep before he needed to be back at the hospital. His next goal was to convince Alice to come live with him—at least while she recuperated. Then once he got her to the ranch, hopefully she would see the wisdom in staying long-term.

  Entering the cooler interior, Peter scanned the well-maintained area, the scent of animals and hay permeating every corner. He realized more and more the kids were taking care of the pets, not him, since the foundation ate into his extra time. But what was so nice to see was Sean and Chad stepping up to take charge. The healing power of animals was working on Laura’s son, and yet Peter felt something was bothering the teen. The anger, like on Friday night, was still there waiting for a spark to ignite it. Why was he so angry? Was it his father’s death or something more?

  A sound from the last stall caught Peter’s attention. He moved toward it. Inside Sean held a puppy, the runt of the litter, against his face, tears running down his cheeks and into its fur. For a moment Peter considered backing away and leaving the boy alone. Then Sean glanced up, saw him and scrambled to his feet, the animal still in his grasp, now against his chest. With his free hand he swiped his tears away.

  “What are you doing here?”

  The fury in Sean’s voice battered at Peter. For an instant the exhaustion in him wanted to lash out at the teen. But his matching anger wouldn’t solve the problem. He’d learned that from Paul. “I wanted to thank you and Chad for doing this.” He kept his voice calm and steady even though Sean’s face squinched into a scowl.

  Laura’s son pressed his lips together and glared at him. Both of the boy’s hands now cradled the puppy against him as though the animal was a lifeline. And perhaps it was. Peter opened the gate and stepped into the stall.

  “You’ve really taken a liking to this puppy.”

  Still Sean didn’t say anything.

  “How’s Lady doing?”

  “Fine.”

  “Maybe your mom will let you have another dog. This one could use a good home, too. I can talk to her about it if you want.”

  “Leave my mother alone!”

  Whoa, this was worse than he had thought. Coupled with what had happened Friday night, Peter knew that Sean didn’t want Laura to get involved in a relationship with him. Or was it more than that? A relationship with any man? After what Laura had revealed this morning in the chapel, he understood where Sean’s feelings were coming from. Laura thought she had shielded her children from a lot of what Stephen had done, but he wondered how much Sean really knew was going on.

  “Your mother told me what went on with her and your father.”

  “It’s none of your business!” Sean’s shouting scared the puppy, who began to wiggle. He looked down at it and stroked it. “See what you made me do,” he continued in a lower voice. He placed the animal on the ground and stormed toward the gate.

  Peter followed Sean out into the center of the barn, a breeze blowing through the building and carrying an earthy smell. But its cooling effect did nothing to cool off Sean, who faced Peter, his hands fisted at his sides.

  “My mom doesn’t need a man. I’ll take care of her and my brothers and sister, too.”

  The man of the house. He’d played that role for a while until his mother had died and left him completely alone. “What happens when you leave home after high school?”

  “I’ll— I’ll...” He stared away from Peter, unclenching then clenching his hands.

  “What’s really going on here, Sean? What happened in St. Louis?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”


  “Maybe you should. Something is eating you up inside. Keeping it bottled up won’t solve your problem. Believe me, lately I found that out for myself. I had to forgive someone who caused me a great deal of pain.”

  “I’ll never forgive him. Never!” Sean shouted, a ferociousness on his face that reminded Peter of a rabid animal.

  “Who?” Peter schooled his voice and expression into calmness as if he were taming a wild horse.

  “Dad.” The anger seemed to siphon from the teen as he collapsed onto a hay bale near him. He buried his face in his hands. His whole body quaked.

  Peter kept his space, instinctively sensing the teen would bolt if he came any closer. “What did your father do?”

  “He hit Mom, pushed her down the stairs. He hurt her, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I should have been able to.”

  Sean’s revelation knocked the breath from Peter. Laura had told him about the verbal abuse, but she hadn’t said a thing about the physical. That realization hurt. She didn’t trust him with her heart after all they had shared. “What happened?” he managed to ask, knowing he couldn’t pass up this opportunity to help the boy even if he was shaking inside.

  “They got into an argument. Mostly my dad yelled at Mom, said mean things to her, but this time she got angry back at him. I wanted to stop them, but I was afraid of what Dad would say. I was downstairs in the hallway. They were upstairs at the top of the landing. He yelled a lot those last months before he died. I just stood there and listened. They didn’t know I was in the house. I’d come home early from a friend’s.” Sean lifted tear-saturated eyes to Peter. “The next thing I knew he’d slapped her and she’d fallen down the stairs. He ran out. I couldn’t get to Mom in time to stop it. I think for a moment I just stood, shocked that my dad would do that to Mom.”

  The picture that materialized in Peter’s mind wrenched his heart. “What did she do when she saw you?”

  “She was so upset I didn’t say anything to her. She never knew I heard their fight. She thought I had just come in the back door, and I let her think that.”