by Jean Levy
‘Yes, I …’
‘We are still trying to assess the repercussions of Mr Parry’s supermarket stunt,’ interrupted Geraint Williams. ‘He risked sending Ms Blake into crisis both then and at every stage of his reintroduction into her life, not least of all on the occasion of sexual intercourse.’
‘Occasions,’ I said. ‘Dr Williams, I assure you, I was very proactive in re-establishing my relationship with Matthew. Looking back on our meeting, I think that somehow I anticipated the intimacy from before.’
Professor Bluet laughed. ‘Sarah, I’d be delighted to read your account of these experiences.’ She glanced up at Geraint Williams. ‘If that’s OK by you, Geraint? I have a small group investigating these exact areas of emotional priming.’ She turned to Bob Gray. ‘We’re interested in the role of emotion and sensation in memory processing, the haptic and tactile components. But other members of the faculty would be interested in Sarah’s language recovery. We believe that some words are learned tagged with episodic components. Shoumi, have you considered lexical tagging?’
‘Isabel,’ interrupted Geraint Williams, ‘Shoumi will be presenting his findings in tomorrow’s seminar …’
‘I’d be pleased to write about my sensory memories, Professor Bluet,’ I said before Dr Williams could say more. ‘If that’s OK with my physicians.’
*
As soon as we were safely ensconced in our lounge, I eased the plaster from my palm and assessed the damage.
‘Is it OK?’ Matthew asked.
‘I’ll live.’ I watched him wander over to the window to check his car. ‘I wish I’d seen you punch Geraint Williams.’
He turned and folded his arms. ‘It was a modest slap. Nothing as devastating as your lack of doctor-patient subordination this afternoon. Have you actually arranged a meeting with Poppy next Tuesday?’
‘No.’
*
Once again Sam arrived as supper was being cleared. Tonight his laptop bag concealed four cans of Heineken.
‘Dr Clegg,’ said Matthew: ‘I hope this isn’t compromising your professional distance.’
‘Definitely not.’ He turned to me and laughed. ‘Loved the bit about emotional memory. That definitely got Issy Bluet going.’
I threw myself onto the sofa. ‘So, Sam, exactly what gets you going?’
‘Sam,’ said Matthew, ‘this is almost the original Sarah you see before you. As tactful as a category five hurricane.’
Sam smiled at me. ‘Girlfriend in Manchester. She didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want to stay there. So not much action at the moment.’
Time passed. We discussed possible strategies, some ludicrous, for defeating my unconscious antagonist. And I tried to embrace them all. ‘But, Sam,’ I said, ‘I’m worried there will always be an impasse and that my mind will never let me remember that day. I’m terrified about how I might have been involved. How I finished up where they found me. And I’m scared that if I try to remember too much, I’ll wake up one morning and my head will be completely empty.’
‘I don’t think the empty head is likely,’ said Sam. He set his glass down and watched me for a moment. ‘Sarah, when I mentioned Beer Cove today, had you really never heard that name? Do you not remember anybody mentioning it to you previously?’
I shook my head.
‘I’ve mentioned it. Twice.’
I looked at Matthew. ‘What?’
‘It’s obviously towards the top of the list of things you mustn’t remember. To start off with you were also blocking any mention of Hornsey, but you seem to be able to remember that now.’
‘It’s where my mother lived. Where it all happened.’
‘But you don’t remember any previous mention of Beer Cove?’ said Sam.
‘I remember you mentioning it this afternoon. But not before today.’
‘That suggests it’s a significant location. It’s not far from where you were at uni. I asked Annabelle but she said she’d never heard of it.
‘Can either of you imagine what it’s like, having to wage this internal war all the time? It tires me out to think that it’s going to be forever, that each time I lose concentration, I’ll start to regress. It’s like being eaten away from the inside. I’ve got to think of a way of beating it.’ I got to my feet. ‘I’ll fetch my pills.’ But as I wandered towards my room a thought suddenly occurred to me. I turned and looked at Sam: ‘Matthew said these pills send me into deep sleep. But maybe when I’m asleep, I can’t fight the forgetting.’
‘You think the repression operates when you’re asleep?’ asked Sam.
I wandered back and sat down. ‘Perhaps when I’m not fully conscious I can’t challenge the repression. Which is why I’d forgotten so much to start off with. Perhaps each evening when I take my pills I’m handing the advantage to my subconscious.’
‘It’s important you sleep,’ said Matthew.
‘But it’s not normal sleep, is it? And I didn’t take the pills the night I wrote my story. Or the first night you stayed. I’ve got no idea what the daytime pills even are.’
‘They’re antidepressants and an antipsychotic,’ said Sam.
‘Well, I’m not depressed and I don’t want to be taking pills.’
Sam frowned. ‘Bob’s reviewing your medication tomorrow with a view to reducing the sedatives. But, it’s unlikely he’ll recommend discontinuing any of your other drugs just yet.’
‘Well, I’m not taking my pills tonight. This is a war I have to win!’
‘But no more forks, right?’ said Sam.
Episode Forty-five
‘Can we go home now, Daddy? I’m cold. And the tide is here.’
‘There’s plenty of time, Sarah! I just need to break this big piece of shale open. Because inside I’m going to find you the biggest fossil you’ve ever seen.’
‘But I don’t want any more fossils.’
‘Just wait ‘til you see this one!’
‘Daddy, the tide’s in my shoes! And Raggedy’s frightened.’
‘Well, take her up the steps.’
‘Will you come too?’
‘Yes. Hurry, it’s up to your knees.’
‘Daddy, the steps are very slippery.’
‘Go further up. That’s right. Wait at the top.’
‘Hurry up, Daddy! That big wave will be over your shoulders!
‘No! Raggedy, come back, don’t leave me!
‘Daddy, I dropped Raggedy and she’s run away.
‘Daddy, I can’t see you anymore.
‘Daddy, is that you?
‘Give me your hand and I’ll pull you up.
‘Daddy, your fingers are too wet. I can’t hold you tight enough.
‘Daddy, come back
*
‘Sarah, wake up, it’s just a dream!’
Matthew was leaning over me. I grabbed his sleeve. ‘My rag doll ran away. And the sea was washing my father away and it was trying to pull me down with him. I can’t remember any more.’
‘That’s normal. Everyone forgets dreams when they wake up. How do you feel?’
I let go of his sleeve. ‘OK, I think.’ I sat up and peered down beside the bed. ‘Where’s the mattress?’
‘I put it back. Tonight we sleep in a proper bed.’
I lay back on my pillows. ‘Matthew, when we move to Hampstead, can we buy a new bed? I don’t really want to sleep in the bed you slept in with Lucy.’
‘I don’t particularly want to sleep in the bed I slept in with Lucy either. And I haven’t much enjoyed sleeping in the bed you shared with …’ He paused.
‘With Jeff Blake. See, I remember.’
‘Yes, well, that’s something I’d eventually like you to forget.’
I watched him walk over to open the blinds, imagined being with him forever. I hoped forever might happen. I couldn’t feel it was a certainty. I thought about all those forgotten years with Jeff Blake. Living beneath that giant kitchen. Just the two of us. Almost eight years and just the two of us.
<
br /> ‘Matthew, do you think me and Jeff Blake couldn’t have babies? Because I’d like us …’ But suddenly pain was ripping through me. I pulled my knees up against its intensity and fell willingly into forgetfulness.
When I opened my eyes, Bob Gray was sitting on the bed beside me. Matthew was standing next to him, his face full of concern. Sam was at the end of the bed, arms folded.
‘Welcome back,’ said Dr Gray. ‘Do you remember where you are?’
I looked around me. ‘I’m at the clinic. It’s Saturday. I’m going home later. I had a half-sister, called Arachne, my mother is alive and I used to be married. And I remember where they found me. Beer Cove. And I had a really bad pain. Here.’ I touched my groin.
‘Is it still there?’ asked Dr Gray.
‘No, not at all. How long was I unconscious?’
‘Less than ten minutes,’ said Matthew. ‘These guys move fast.’
‘Do you remember what was happening when the pain started?’ said Bob Gray.
I shook my head. ‘I remembered something too close, didn’t I? It’s like I said: there are things that my mind will never let me remember. And it’s willing to rip me apart and make me unconscious if I try.’ I placed my hands over my face. ‘I’ve achieved nothing!’
‘Now you know that’s not true, Sarah,’ insisted Bob Gray. ‘You’re managing to retain new information. And that’s something you were not able to do just a few days ago. You’ve made enormous progress. And you’ll carry on doing so. But we have to remember none of it is going to be easy. So, why don’t you rest for a while and we’ll wait downstairs for you?’
He went to stand, but I caught his sleeve.
‘We were talking.’ I looked up at Matthew. ‘Do you know what it was that did this to me as soon as I mentioned it?’
‘I think there were a number of things that …’
‘Exacerbated the collapse,’ said Sam.
*
I watched my blood fill first one tube then another. I always worried that, if the nurse fainted and let go, my blood would gush out onto the floor until I was completely empty. I knew that was a stupid thing to think but knowing the foolishness of one’s thoughts never stops them from happening. I was relieved when the bloodletting was over and further haemorrhaging was being prevented by a blob of cotton wool and a strip of transparent tape.
‘We probably won’t get any joy with that lot until Monday,’ said Bob Gray. ‘So we’ll review your drug regime by the time we see you next Wednesday. We’ll do an entire profile. Check your …’
‘Human?’ suggested Sarah.
Dr Gray peered over his glasses. ‘That will not be necessary, Sarah.’ He glanced at Matthew. ‘Are you all right, Matthew? You’re very pale.’
‘I’m not that keen on the blood thing.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Do you want to go outside for a bit?’
‘No, I’m OK.’
Dr Gray indicated the arc of chairs. ‘Just the four of us today. There’s a research seminar that takes precedence.’
I glanced at Sam. ‘Don’t you need to go to it?’
‘God, no. I’ve got proper things to do.’
Bob Gray took his place beside me. ‘Now,’ he began, ‘I had scheduled a session of hypnosis, but Sam and I have discussed what could possibly be gained by it at the moment. The two previous sessions were unproductive and my feeling is that it would achieve nothing. I think that, now you have demonstrated that you can overcome much of the dynamic component of the amnesia, our time would be better spent trying to determine the more recent focus of this unconscious repression. We think that the best way of helping you remember your past will be to actively investigate it rather than simply present it to you in a linear sequence.’
I felt a wave of apprehension pass down my chest and settle in my stomach. ‘How?’ I asked trying to sound more engaged than hysterical.
‘By constructing a three-dimensional map of everything we know and then trying to fill in the gaps. To determine whether there is a sequence that links the events at your mother’s house with your being found two days later on the south coast. It’s undoubtedly what lies in the gaps that your mind is determined to deny you access to.’
‘Do you think that’s wise?’ asked Matthew. ‘You’ve seen how this affects her.’
‘We’ll take this very slowly.’
‘I’m really not happy,’ he snapped.
‘Matthew, I need to know.’ I looked at Dr Gray, holding his gaze for a few moments. ‘The things I tell you, are they in confidence?’
‘Of course.’
‘Will Dr Williams be entitled to listen to this recording?’
‘You’d prefer that not to be the case?’
Matthew got to his feet. ‘Sarah, please!’
‘Matthew, sit down! I can’t do this on my own.’ He sat down.
Bob Gray asked Sam to stop the recording and delete the session so far. Sam did as instructed then asked me if I would prefer him to leave. I insisted he stay. I folded my arms about my stomach to control the dual sensations of nausea and panic and the room became filled with expectation, silent apart from the distant sound of voices, perhaps coming from outside, perhaps approaching from within.
‘Dr Gray, I truly have no recollection of the events of that day or of the two days I was missing. But Matthew does. He told me something the night before last and I’ve remembered him telling me. And it’s something that might suggest a link between what happened at my mother’s house and my disappearance. Matthew hasn’t shared this information with anyone else, because he’s trying to protect me. But it’s not a burden I want him to bear. I’d be grateful if this remains confidential. Can I depend upon that?’
‘Yes, Sarah,’ said Dr Gray.
‘Of course,’ said Sam.
I touched Matthew’s pale hand. ‘I need to say this.’
‘Sarah, you don’t!’
But I knew I did. ‘That day …’
*
‘So we must assume, from what Matthew told you, that your intention was to visit your mother’s house that afternoon, and that your car being parked nearby would suggest you did just that. And that when you went missing it would likely have been following this visit. Are you hearing the aura at the moment?’
‘Not really. Dr Gray, I’m terrified I might have done something awful and it’s that thing that my mind is forcing me to forget.’
‘And the police have not been informed of these facts?’
‘No.’ I frowned at Matthew’s persistent pallor. ‘Matthew, are you still feeling woozy?’
He looked up and forced a smile.
I noticed Bob Gray glance over at Sam before walking over to refer to a folder, open on his desk. He seemed suddenly to arrive at a decision.
‘Sarah, I think I would like to try a session of deep relaxation. If these new details are pertinent, we might be able to use them …’
‘What does that mean?’ snapped Matthew.
‘It means that, following hypnotic induction, we might be able to use this new information to lever our way into …’
‘Like a crowbar!’
I was surprised at Matthew’s anger. But Bob Gray remained calm. ‘No, as a means of focussing in, away from peripheral awareness, to allow Sarah to investigate her own dissociative state.’
‘There’s controversy over the use of hypnosis in the recovery of repressed memories, because of the fear that false memories will be recalled. Sarah has imagined things about that day and it might be that those imagined memories seem like real memories.’
Bob Gray frowned. ‘Well researched, Matthew. The answer to any such confusion would be corroboration.’ He turned to me, his voice still calm. ‘Sarah, would you be willing for me to attempt to access your memories via this new information.’
‘Will Matthew be able to stay?’
‘I’m afraid not. To achieve a hypnotic state we have to reduce all awareness of surroundings. We’ll ask Matthew to take a walk in the gardens.
’ He glanced at Matthew. ‘The air might do him good.’
‘I don’t need air. But I’ll wait outside, if that’s what you want.’
‘I’ll be all right,’ I assured him. ‘It probably won’t work.’
Dr Gray walked over and opened the door. ‘Matthew, I’ll call you back in when we’re ready.’
Matthew turned as he left the room, his face pale and drawn. ‘Sarah, now is enough.’
Sam stayed where he was, with Matthew’s empty chair still between us. Bob Gray returned to sit beside me. ‘Now, Sarah, tell me again what you know about that day.’
