by Sean Cameron
“It’s all right fella, I just need two shots of whiskey, a ciggie, and half a Mars bar.”
Sumner put away his notes. “Well, I’ve got plenty of questions for the pair of you. How about we get your nail wound seen to and head to the station?”
Rex raised his hand. “How do we know Palmer hasn’t bought you off?”
“I’m not sure what happens in Cloisterham, but we don’t have many dealings with gangsters out here. Why, it’s been three months since a reported robbery, and that was a pet tortoise.”
“Did you catch him?” Eddie said.
“No need. The thief returned the tortoise with an apology taped to the shell.”
***
At the Snodling Police Station’s interview room Rex and Eddie took Officer Sumner through their adventure, point by point.
“How’d you boys like your tea?”
“Just milk, no sugar, thanks,” Eddie said.
“Do you have a slice of lemon?” Rex said.
“I’m afraid not.”
“Same as Eddie then.”
Sumner turned to the bearded policeman that stood by the door. “Will you get these men a cup of tea and make a photocopy of this please?” Sumner handed the policeman his notes.
“What about Becky Jacobs?” Eddie said.
“We’ve found her flight booking for Jamaica and the authorities will rendezvous with her at the airport check-in.”
“What’s gonna happen to Palmer?” Rex said.
“Not sure. We can charge him for stabbing a sword into Mr James James, but since he broke and entered into Palmer’s property it won’t hold up. Unless we can connect him to the men that attacked you at Laser Flux that will get dropped too.”
Eddie’s body tightened. “But he murdered his brother.”
“And you say the only evidence was burned.”
Rex nodded. “Twice.”
“But what about Derek Lawrence?”
“Again, the documents were the only thing that would suggest the intent to kill Lawrence. And even then, it would be a hired hand. So it’s hard to connect him.”
Eddie sat back in a sulk. “You don’t believe us.”
“Oh, I believe you. But if I haven’t got anything to convince a judge and jury, then there’s no point.”
The bearded officer returned with the papers.
“I meant two copies.”
The bearded officer offered his hand. “Sorry. I’ll take it back and do another.”
“No, just press copy and then select previous scan. It does a copy from memory.”
Rex sat up straight. “You can do that?”
“Yes.”
“Eddie, we can get the evidence.”
Eddie sat up too. “You made the copies with the neighbouring office’s copier.”
“Yes.”
Sumner grinned. “Well, lads. Let’s see if we can get those papers.”
NINETEEN
Officer Sumner and Rex stood outside 369 High Street as Eddie unlocked the front door. They ran upstairs and found the fire damage was contained to their office alone. Harold exited another unit with his cart.
“Harold,” Eddie said. “You have to let us into next door’s office. Please.”
They explained the details and after some hesitation Harold unlocked the office. At the printer Rex pressed copy and the display message updated: No document found. Check Again?
“Oh, Rex. This one doesn’t do it.”
“Sorry, lads,” Officer Sumner said.
Rex examined the printer. His head hovered a few inches from the machine. After inspection he pressed an arrow key. A new option came up: Print from previous scan?
“Rex, you’re a genius.”
“Fingers crossed the printer hasn’t been used since.” Rex pressed the copy button and paper fed through the machine. Anticipation built as the printer head slid back and forth. The printer pushed out a sheet of paper.
Rex grabbed the paper and stared at the result.
“Well, what is it?” Officer Sumner said.
Rex revealed the copy. A black and white scan of a bare bottom.
“It’s not a total loss,” Rex said. “At least we know what the cute girl in the office’s bum looks like.”
Eddie read the printer display: Copy again?
He pressed the left arrow key to search for a previous option: Print from previous scan? He pushed the right arrow which revealed a list of five times and dates.
“I think I’ve got it. Rex, when did you make the copies?”
“Uh, it would have been two days ago. I did it about eleven p.m.”
Eddie scrolled back two days and pressed copy. The first sheet printed.
“My turn.” Eddie grabbed the sheet, overwhelmed with nerves, and read.
“Well?” Officer Sumner said.
Eddie turned the page over to reveal the P&P Publishing acceptance letter. “We have the evidence.”
The machine printed out every piece of evidence Rex made a copy of.
“Rex, you did it. You saved us.”
“No problem, give us a hug.”
“I’m not a hugger.”
Rex opened his arms. “Come on, bring it in.”
“We should get this to the police station.”
“OK, but then we hug.”
***
Rex, Eddie, and Officer Sumner walked by the burnt out office. Eddie pushed the door open, and all three took a peek inside. The floor and walls were a charcoal colour, and the crispy furniture lay in pieces.
Officer Sumner tapped the door. “Come on lads, let’s not dwell.”
“I bet the papers went up fast,” Eddie said.
Thunk. Officer Sumner took a knock to the head and fell to the ground.
“It was a pretty clean job,” said a voice from behind Rex and Eddie. Brown stepped in with a gun pointed at the pair.
Eddie stomped his right foot. “You’ve got to be joking.”
“Hand over the papers.”
Rex shrugged his shoulders. “What papers?”
“I heard everything from the hallway. Hand it over.”
Rex shook his head and clutched the papers.
Eddie raised his hands. “Rex, don’t get shot.”
“You want to listen to your friend.”
“If we give him the papers he’s not gonna shoot us, there’s another policeman waiting in the car outside. He’ll hear it.”
“I’ll shoot if I have too.”
Rex backed up another step. “I don’t like you. You’re a bad man.”
“Hand over the papers.”
With a pouted lip, Rex pulled out the copies and reached them out. Brown grabbed the other end and pulled it. Rex wouldn’t loosen his grip.
“Hand it over now.”
“Rex, drop it.”
“Give it,” Brown barked.
Rex let go a split-second before Brown gave a heavy yank. Brown fell back a step.
Rex grinned. “Smooth.”
Brown regained his footing. “Now, where were we? Oh yes, I remember.” He put his hand in his jacket pocket and pulled out a silencer.
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Perfect.” He was pretty scared the first time his life was in danger, at this point it was an irritating inconvenience. “Just bloody perfect.”
Brown screwed the silencer on.
“Eddie,” Rex said.
“What?”
“I could really do with a hug.”
Eddie sighed. “Fine.”
“You’ve got ten seconds,” Brown said.
Eddie walked up to Rex’s embrace when the door knocked three times. Brown stepped to the window and checked the police car; the other officer was still inside the vehicle.
The door opened and Harold barged in. He grabbed Brown by the throat. Panicked, Brown fired two bullets into the roof. The already fire-damaged ceiling dropped a heavy chunk of plaster on both the fighting men.
“What the hell is going on here?” Eddie said.
&
nbsp; Rex’s eyes flashed. “Harold’s the Door Knock Killer.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
A third and fourth shot fired into the office window, leaving two neat holes joined together by a crack. Rex and Eddie ducked behind the blackened desk while the two men wrestled on the floor.
“I’m telling you, he’s the Door Knock Killer. He knocked, he's trying to kill someone. What more do you need?”
“You’re delusional.” Eddie remembered the details: Harold was easily annoyed by mess, he liked to clean things up so why not people? He had a wheelbarrow to move bodies around in. He remembered Harold’s words when they looked through the wheelie bin, “You’re gonna get me in trouble.” Is that why I thought I saw Rex drop into the bin men’s lorry? he thought.
“Hey Harold, are you the Door Knock Killer?” Rex said.
Harold bobbed his head left to right. “That’s a bit too sensationalist for my liking. The tabloids paint an ugly picture.” He gave Brown a few punches in between strangling him.
“Are we meant to stop him?” Rex said.
“I think so.”
Brown pushed the old man off and pulled his gun on Harold. Harold backed away. Brown shooed Rex and Eddie with the weapon, and they stepped back with their hands up.
Rex, Eddie, and Harold were at the mercy of Brown.
“I’ve got two bullets left so you’re gonna have to pair up. Who wants to go in front?”
Rex stepped forward. “Me.”
“Well, we should talk about this first,” Eddie said.
“OK, you.”
“No, I mean, I just don’t want to be hasty.”
“I’m easy, which do you want?”
“I just wanted to talk about it.”
“Come on you two,” Brown said. “Stop making every. Little. Thing. So. Hard.”
“I’m not fond of the front,” Eddie said. “But I don’t want people to think I used you as a human shield.”
“What if,” Rex said, “I took the bullet for you? Like he was gonna shoot you and I got in the way. You won’t look like a coward, and I get to be a bit of a hero.”
Eddie nodded. “That could work. But how do we make sure people know that?”
“Excuse me, Mister Detective man.”
Brown pursed his lips. “What now? I am sick and tired of the pair of you.”
“If people ask will you tell them I heroically jumped in the way and took the bullet?”
“Fine.”
Rex took a diving pose with one leg in the air. He pulled a face like he was already shot. “I’m ready.”
Brown took a step back to aim, and the floorboard beneath him gave out. He pulled his foot from the hole and tripped backwards. Brown hit the window with the back of his head. Already cracked by Brown’s bullets, the windowpane shattered.
Harold kicked the burnt rubbish basket at Brown, and he dropped out the window. Brown fired his last two bullets as he fell out of view.
Feeling impatient, Rex opened one eye. “Did I miss something?”
Rex and Eddie peered out the broken window. On the street below, they saw Brown’s dead body in a pool of blood. Next to Brown stood a wide-eyed Tim with his moped gang; they followed the pair since they saw Jim Jams drive by in the Morris Minor. Tim looked up at Rex and Eddie with his mouth agape.
“Who wants to go next?” Rex shouted.
Tim and the gang ran off. The detective pair grinned.
“Nice one, Rex.”
On the office floor, Harold spat up blood. He’d taken both shots. Rex rushed over, kneeled down, and held Harold’s head to comfort the old psychopath. Eddie stood back knowing there was nothing he could do.
“Why’d you kill all those people?” Rex said.
Harold groaned. “Cloisterham … an OK place to live.”
“Why did you save us?”
Harold tried to answer, but coughed.
“Is it ‘cause we give you renewed hope in humanity? Do we remind you of one of your kids? Do you believe we can make a difference in the world?”
“Nah, I just hate coppers.” Harold’s head collapsed, he was dead.
“Well, it was still nice of him,” Eddie said.
EPILOGUE
Rex poured water over Officer Sumner’s head to wake him up. Before Sumner could stand Eddie handed over the evidence copies. Sumner promised it was enough to send Terry Palmer to court and start a proper investigation.
Although it wasn't enough to pin the two murders on Palmer, it warranted a search of his home, which brought up enough evidence to put him in jail for tax evasion.
Since the whole thing was a set up, there was no five grand reward. Rex and Eddie were still broke. Eddie arranged an overdraft with the bank to tide him over. He withdrew enough pound coins to pay back Billy the Quid.
They found Billy on the High Street, milking his arm sling for all it was worth.
“I got your pound coins, Billy.”
“Don’t worry, mate. I get more money now I’m wounded. Got a fiver?”
Eddie gave him a fiver and kept the coins.
Rex and Eddie both visited The Octagon Shopping Centre. Rex gave Griffin one of Palmer’s muddy boots and announced, “The dirty footprint culprit is in jail, Chief. No need to thank me, justice is my thanks. Let's just forget everything that happened and go our separate ways.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Exactly, Chief. Exactly.”
Eddie entered the shoe shop and approached Melinda.
“I’m sorry I messed up our date.”
“I read you caught a murderer.”
“Two murderers, actually. One of them was a serial killer, but I don’t like to brag.” Eddie plonked his shoes on the counter. “I’d like to return these. I tried to break them in, but they just hurt all the time.”
Melinda picked up a shoe. Paint, bloodstains, scuffs, scratches, and marks covered the shoe.
“They look lived in.”
“All in a day's work solving murders.”
“You really went out and got what you wanted, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Eddie took a moment while Melinda processed the return. “Actually, I don’t know what I’m doing, and for the first time, I’m fine with that.” He signed for the balance to be put back on his card. “Goodbye Melinda.”
***
Eddie joined Rex at the office to drop off his key. He only agreed to do the one case to get his investment back. Now they had no money and no case.
The building’s insurance paid for the office to be fixed up and repainted.
“The place is in brilliant shape,” Eddie told Rex.
“They even installed a new window. Watch this.” Rex ran over to open and close the window. “How luxurious is that?”
“Nice. Well, Rex. This is it.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Not sure, I might do some pizza deliveries with the Morris Minor. I’ve got just enough cash to get new headlights and fix the ignition after Jim Jams hot-wired it. How is Jim Jams?”
“He’s well happy,” Rex said. “Every night he shows girls his new scars, tells them a different story about it each time. Last night involved a burning orphanage.”
“I’m glad he got something out of the experience.”
“How can you go back to normal life after the adventure we just had?”
“Oh, it’s quite easy,” Eddie said.
“But look,” Rex held up a local newspaper. The headline read, Two Locals Capture Door Knock Killer. “We’re heroes.”
“It’s not quite true though, is it?”
“No, but I did work out Harold was the Door Knock Killer.”
“By watching him knock on a door and try to kill a man, it’s hardly detective work.”
Rex smiled. “Well, I’m taking the credit. One thing has been bothering me though.”
“What?”
“Who exactly did kill Derek Lawrence? I know they worked for Palmer, but who where they?”<
br />
Eddie smiled. “Becky said she thought it was the bouncer who hired her, but I guess we’ll never know.”
“I thought maybe the Glasgow Smile, but Brown knew his way around here. And the egg headed man had the eyes of a killer and—”
“Rex,” Eddie said. “You’re doing a little dance.”
“I know, I got to go to the bathroom but I’m excited.”
“Just go to the toilet.”
“Fine, but don’t leave until I’m back and ready for my goodbye hug.”
“There isn’t gonna be a—”
Rex left before Eddie could finish. Eddie sighed, placed his key on the new desk, and headed to the door. The office phone rang and Eddie picked it up.
“Hello, uh, Milton Miles Investigations.”
“Hi, yes, I’m looking for a detective. Are you the men who solved the Door Knock Killer mystery?”
“I, uh, yes. I am.”
“Great, I would like someone to follow my husband. I think he’s cheating on me. Are you available?”
“Well, I’m actually going to have to pass but my partner—”
“Oh no, I need the pair of you. I want the best men for the job; I will pay handsomely for it.”
A red light blinked on the phone.
“Could you excuse me while I put you on hold for one minute?” Eddie pressed the button. “Hello, Milton Miles Investigations.”
“Yes, I believe I have a corporate spy. I need someone to install some surveillance equipment in my office.”
“I’m sure we can sort something out, my business partner can get back to you?” Another red light blinked. “Please hold. Hello, Milton Miles Investigations.”
“Can I speak to Milton or Miles please?”
“This is Eddie Miles.”
“Wonderful, I’ve lost my cat. Would you be able to look for it?”
“Sorry, but I don’t think we do pets.”
“I’ll pay you an extra thirty-percent on top of your normal, human, fee?”
“That would be acceptable.” Red bulbs lit up the phone as Rex came back in the room. “Rex, can you take this call while I get some stationery to write on, we got two, no, three cases.”
Rex smiled. “Certainly.”
Eddie picked up his key as Rex grabbed the phone.
“See you soon, Eddie.”
