“All right. I suppose I should get off the phone anyway. Goodbye, Marie. I’ll see you soon.”
After speaking to him for a few more precious seconds, she hung up the phone and stared hard at that suitcase.
So many people had been coming and going lately. She didn’t know why they all had to travel so much to find their way, but she certainly hoped that everyone would elect to stay in one place very soon.
Otherwise, she was going to be the one who needed a vacation from the drama in their lives.
Roman was as stubborn as a mule. From the moment he’d come into the kitchen, he’d glared at her with his hands stiffly folded across his chest.
But instead of changing her mind, it only made her more eager to get out of his house.
“This isn’t easy for me, Roman. I wish you wouldn’t make it more difficult,” Amanda said as she prepared another peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the long bus trip home.
“I haven’t tried to stop you. I’m merely offering my opinion. I think you’re running away.”
“I guess it’s good that I’ve discovered your true colors,” she retorted. “You’re not nearly as easygoing as you were in Florida.”
“I was on vacation then. And that has nothing to do with you refusing to see my side of things.”
“That is not what is happening,” she said sharply. Wearily, she neatly sliced through the center of the sandwich and wrapped waxed paper around it.
“Well, something is. Amanda, I think there’s more going on here than just my desire not to move. What is it? Is it that you’ve changed your mind about me?” He paused, then raised an eyebrow. “Or is it more likely that you changed your mind about yourself?”
She flinched, hating his words. Hating that he was right. She wanted to hold her irritation with him close to her heart. It was so much easier to blame someone else than to face her demons all over again.
At the very least, she owed him her honesty. “I don’t know.”
“Why not?”
“You came into my life unexpectedly, Roman. I didn’t plan to meet you on vacation. I didn’t plan to start waiting for your phone calls. I didn’t plan on Regina liking you so much.” Though all that was the truth, it wasn’t the full truth. What she wasn’t brave enough to say was that she didn’t plan on liking him so much.
He gazed at her, his expression a combination of dismay and anger. That made her realize that he, too, knew she still wasn’t telling him the whole truth. She still wasn’t sharing everything in her heart.
Which was a problem.
“All right,” he finally said. “I’ll go take your suitcase out to the front porch. The driver should be here soon.”
“A driver is picking us up?” She’d thought he’d take her to the German Village in his buggy.
“Yes. I think that’s for the best.”
“Yes. Yes, I imagine it is.” Carefully, she screwed on the peanut butter cap and set the last sandwich on the top of her lunch sack. “I’ll go get Regina and meet you on the front porch.”
When he walked away, she washed her hands, pressed a damp paper towel to her cheeks and forehead, hoping to cool her flushed face, then strode to the dawdi haus, where Regina had been from the moment Amanda had told her that they wouldn’t be making cupcakes today. Instead, they would be going home.
Her knock was quickly answered by Lovina. “Is it time already?” she asked as she led Amanda to her tidy kitchen. There, Regina was sitting at the table with Aaron. A small puzzle with large pieces was spread out in front of them.
The older lady looked as distressed as Amanda felt. But it would do no one any good to see how she really was feeling. “It is. Uh, Roman was able to hire a driver to take Regina and me to the shopping center to wait for the bus.”
“But Momma, we’re not done with the puzzle.”
Amanda was familiar with what Regina was doing. She was concentrating on things she could control instead of what she couldn’t.
She’d done that often while Wesley was sick, arguing over what dress to wear, or what food she would eat.
To see that the painful habit had returned broke Amanda’s heart but it didn’t change the way things were. “I’m sorry about the puzzle, but we’re on the bus’s schedule, dear. We must go now.”
“But I don’t want to.” This was a comment Regina had made often before. Usually it came out as a babyish whine. This time, though, was different. Regina looked genuinely distressed. She spoke in a soft whisper. Yet again, Amanda felt that rush of guilt.
But she had to be strong enough for the both of them. Already they were too involved with the Keims. Already she could imagine living in their midst, attending church in their district. Watching Roman preach, encouraging him, being by his side.
But if she did all these things, she’d be saying goodbye to her life in Pinecraft, and that would be wrong. She might be thinking about moving on without Wesley, but she had never intended to leave her life with him completely behind.
“It is time, Regina,” she said with iron in her voice. “Maybe we’ll meet some nice people on the bus,” she added brightly. Just as if they were on the way to the county fair.
But no one was fooled for a minute. Both Mr. and Mrs. Keim looked glum, and Regina was on the verge of tears.
She had to get out of there. Had to move on. Stepping forward, she reached for her daughter’s hand. “Let’s go, now.”
Regina jerked back her hand. “Nee.”
“You have no choice.” Through clenched teeth, she turned to Lovina and Aaron. “Thank you for being so nice to Regina.”
“It was no trouble. We enjoyed being with her,” Aaron said.
“She’s a wonderful-gut girl, Amanda,” Lovina added. “Wonderful-gut.”
“Danke.” Amanda didn’t know what to do with her hands. She ached to hug Lovina and Aaron goodbye, but it didn’t seem right. “Well, goodbye.”
The couple exchanged looks. Then Lovina nodded. “Goodbye, Amanda. Safe travels.”
Just as she started to turn away, Regina rushed over to Aaron and hugged him tight.
While Amanda simply stood and watched, Lovina went to her husband’s side and hugged Regina, too. Then, when Regina started crying, the woman bent down and whispered to her, carefully calming her.
As seconds passed, Amanda felt like the worst mother ever. Especially when Regina turned from the security of the couple’s embrace and calmly announced she was ready.
“Let’s go then,” Amanda answered. Surprised she could even speak around the lump in her throat.
The next five minutes were excruciating. They said goodbye to Marie and Elsie. To Lorene, who was over making cupcakes for the upcoming wedding.
The wedding that Amanda had promised Regina that they’d get to attend. Through it all, Roman remained to one side while Regina stayed silent.
Only the beep from the van’s horn offered any relief.
“We must go,” she said, after double- and triple-checking that she had her purse and their lunches and Regina’s stuffed dog. After getting Regina settled in the van, Amanda looked at Roman. “Thank you for inviting us to Berlin. I’ll never forget it.”
“You’re welcome. Goodbye, Amanda.”
She halfheartedly waited for him to ask her to call him when they got home. Waited for him to say that he understood, that he would change his mind about where he wanted to live.
But he did none of that. Instead, he stood stoically while she turned away and got into the van. While she fastened her seatbelt, he closed the van’s door. Then he turned away as they drove off.
Beside her, Regina was hugging her stuffed dog tightly, looking for comfort there instead of from her mother.
And that was when Amanda realized that she’d been terribly wrong. It certainly was possible to feel that all-encompassing pain again.
But unlike Wesley’s cancer, she’d been the one in charge of this loss.
Yes, it turned out that she was perfectly capable of
causing pain and heartache and loss, all by herself.
Walking back to their house, Lovina blinked back the tears that she hadn’t been able to will away but luckily had held back until no one else saw them. “I’m going to miss that little girl,” she said.
“Me, too,” Aaron said. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to finish that puzzle without her. Half the fun was cheering with her whenever she got a piece in the right spot.”
“We’ll put it away so you won’t have to be reminded of it.” Uncertainly, she glanced at Aaron’s stoic profile. “Do you think, perhaps, we’ll need it for another day? For when she comes back?”
“Hope so.” He stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. “It’s a real shame Amanda and Regina had to leave. That grandson of ours shouldn’t have let that happen. He won’t do better than that pair.”
“Sometimes our grandchildren can be so stubborn and silly.”
“That is a fact.” Slowly, the sides of his mouth turned up. “I wish I could say I’ve never been that way, but I can’t.”
“Truly?”
“Oh, jah. Lovina, I’ve certainly done my fair share of stubborn things. For sure, I have.”
Rarely had Aaron ever admitted a mistake. Never could she remember him pointing out his own faults. “Like what?”
“Like . . . making you keep your past a secret. I know now that was a foolish idea.”
“Not so much. I kept it secret for twenty years,” she reminded him.
“But at what cost?”
Just a few weeks ago, when the secret had first come out, she’d been sure that their relationships with their children and grandchildren were lost. But as each day passed, things had seemed to ease. Time really did heal all wounds. “Maybe that secret didn’t cost as much as we feared,” she said. “We still have our family.”
“Things are strained.”
She stopped at their front door. “That’s because everyone is now focused on your first family.”
“My first family?” he echoed sarcastically.
She ignored his tone, choosing instead to focus on what was important. “You need to talk about Laura Beth and Ben, Aaron.”
“I can’t.” He opened the door and stepped inside.
She followed on his heels all the way to their sitting room. “Why are their deaths so difficult for you to talk about? It’s not like you caused the accident.”
Gripping the back of his chair, he looked at her directly. “Some thought I did.”
“Who did?”
“Laura Beth’s brother.” After a pause, he added, “Every year on the anniversary of Laura Beth’s death, he sends me a letter. Inside are always the same two things—a photocopy of the news article, and a letter from him. In it, he says he still hasn’t forgotten his sister’s death or forgiven me for my part in it.”
Lovina was stunned. “I never knew about the letters.”
“That’s because I didn’t want you to know about them.”
“But you don’t take the notes seriously, do you? I mean, for someone to continually send you the same thing, year after year? That’s ridiculous!”
Aaron shrugged.
Feeling assured that her husband clearly needed some sense talked into him, Lovina continued, her tone stronger. “Laura Beth died forty years ago. Her bruder must be mentally imbalanced or something.” She walked toward him, ready to grasp his hand. To show him that even though she didn’t understand all the secrets, she believed in him.
Believed the best of him.
But instead of curving his palm around hers, he stiffened. “Lovina, there’s something else I never told you.”
“And what is that?”
“I was driving that buggy. Her death really was my fault.”
Once again, Lovina felt her world tilt. “I don’t understand. You said she was driving.”
“I never wanted to tell you the truth.”
She was beyond dismayed. “Aaron?”
He rushed on with his explanation. “The police deemed it an accident, but we all knew better. She and I were fighting, arguing. I was yelling at her while I was driving the buggy in the rain.”
“But—”
“After it was all over, I couldn’t take the guilt,” he whispered. “I knew I needed to get away, to start over again. . . . ”
His voice drifted off, but now Lovina realized she could fill in the gaps.
Now she understood why he’d courted her, even though she wasn’t Amish. Now she understood why they’d moved to Ohio and never went back to Pennsylvania.
All this time, she’d imagined it was because of her painful memories, but it had been for his.
“I killed my wife and son, Lovina,” Aaron said, his voice flat. “Then I married you on top of a pile of lies and moved you far away so I could pretend it never happened.”
She felt like all the air had been forced out of her. “For forty years, you did a good job of it.”
“Possibly.” He shrugged. After a few seconds, he added, “Lovina, I don’t know what else to say.”
“I think I do.” Abruptly, she made a decision. “We need to go back. Aaron, we need to go back to Pennsylvania and face our pasts.”
Even from her position across the room, she could see every muscle in his body tense. Then, with a sigh, the fight left him. “Lord help me, but I think you are right.”
Meeting his gaze, she saw everything she was feeling reflected in his eyes. He looked terrified, and pained. Weary.
But a new resolve was present, too.
“Please, Lord, help us both,” she murmured.
With her words still echoing in the air, she walked to the kitchen and filled up her kettle with water.
At long last, there was nothing more to be said.
Chapter Twenty-six
“I can’t believe it’s already time to leave,” Viola said on Monday afternoon as she stood outside the airport’s entrance. “I’m not ready.”
Under his straw brim, she saw Ed’s blue eyes twinkle. “That’s quite a change of heart from when you first got here.”
Even under the hot sun, her cheeks were able to hold a fierce blush. “Are you going to remind me of my behavior for the rest of our lives?”
“I hope not . . . but maybe.” His tender gaze, mixed with the way he held her hand between his two lessened the sting of his words. “Everything’s fine now, though. Ain’t so?”
“Everything is more than fine,” she agreed. It was amazing the way the Lord had worked through her during the last few days. She’d gone from being nervous and insecure to feeling braver than she thought possible.
And the best thing of all . . . she’d come to look at the mission as her home, and the people there as potential friends. Not just her future husband’s coworkers or people who were in need of help. She’d been transformed and made stronger . . . and none of it would have been possible without Edward in her life.
Now she couldn’t imagine merely living her life in Berlin. Now she couldn’t imagine getting as much satisfaction at her job at Daybreak. Here in Belize, by Edward’s side, she felt needed and valued and worthwhile.
A car horn blared behind Edward, making them both jump.
He let go of her hand. “Don’t forget to call me when you get back. I know phone calls here are expensive, but I’ll worry otherwise.”
“I’ll call.”
He gently touched the end of her nose. “Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Gut. And I promise that I’ll be back soon, and we’ll get married.”
“That’s another three months.” Right now it felt like a lifetime. A very long, very lonely lifetime.
“But then we’ll always be together.” Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her close. “I miss you already. And I love you, Viola. Don’t forget,” he whispered before stepping away.
“I won’t forget.” She swiped away a tear.
“Please don’t cry. Now, off you go.” He raised a hand. “Bye.”
>
Slowly, she raised her hand, too. “Goodbye, Edward. I love you, too.”
And with that, she turned and walked inside, right to the ticket counter.
“Going home, miss?” the lady said as she examined Viola’s plane ticket and passport.
“Yes. I’m going home for now,” she replied.
And found herself already counting down the days until she was coming back to Belize. As Mrs. Edward Swartz.
“Do you think your wedding will be like this?” Elsie whispered to Viola ninety minutes into Aunt Lorene’s wedding service on Wednesday morning.
They were sitting about four rows from the center on the women’s side in the barn. The barn was packed with at least two hundred people, and overly warm, because the cold weather prevented too many doors from being opened. Because of that, the three-hour wedding ceremony felt longer than usual, especially for the Keim women, who’d had next to no sleep for the past twenty-four hours.
They’d been cooking and cooking and cooking. Even at that moment, a group of women were in the portable kitchen they’d rented, putting the finishing touches on all the dishes. Four women who worked with Lorene at the cheese shop were setting out paper napkins, placemats, and plastic silverware on the long tables under the white tent Roman and their uncle Sam had put up the day before.
“I imagine my wedding will be much like this,” Viola answered. “But hopefully it will be a little cooler in this barn. I’d be verra grateful to have fresh air to breathe.”
Elsie shifted yet again and pulled the collar of her dress out from her neck. “Fresh air would be a blessing,” she murmured.
“I’m verra glad that Edward and I are getting married in May.”
“It will be here before we know it.”
Viola glanced at her with worry. This wasn’t the first time Elsie had made a comment like that. Viola feared Elsie was dreading their separation as much as she was. Of course, their circumstances were different. Viola would miss Elsie terribly, but she had a new life with Ed in Belize to look forward to.
And Elsie? All she could look forward to was a series of adjustments at home. She was going to have to pick up some of Viola’s chores . . . and also learn to do without Viola’s help.
Ray of Light: The Days of Redemption Series, Book Two Page 20
