“You were under stress—”
“Don’t make excuses for me,” he said, his voice harsh. “What I did was wrong. I knew it at the time, and still I couldn’t stop myself.”
“The violence stops here,” she murmured. “The plaque in your office. Now I know what it means.”
“Yes, now you know. Want to hear something crazy? Even though it hurt like hell, a part of me was glad when you asked for the divorce, because it meant you’d be safe. I’d never harm you.”
She crossed the room to stand at his side. “You’ll never harm me, Steve. No matter how angry you get. I know that the same way I know that the earth is round and the sky is blue. Why can’t I make you see it?”
“Because I know the rage, Kate. I’ve felt it more times than I can count.” Taking her hand, he raised it to his chest. “And it’s still alive, right here, deep inside me, like a dormant volcano just waiting to blow. I can’t take the risk.”
He let her hand go, but she held it where it was, against the warmth of his heart. “What if I’m willing to take it?”
“I won’t let you.”
“But things would be different this time,” she protested. Needing to convince him with her touch as well as her words, she raised her hand and lovingly brushed the hair back from his forehead, then traded her fingers down his cheeks and across his lips. “Now that I know why—”
“The knowing won’t change anything,” he interrupted, his mouth moving against her fingers. After capturing her wandering hand between his, he gently but firmly lowered it to her side. “Whenever I feel in danger of losing my temper, I’ll still walk away, Kate. I saw what that did to you the first time around, how desperately unhappy you were. I won’t put you through it a second time. If you give it some thought, you won’t put yourself through it, either.”
That he was right didn’t make it any easier to accept. Kate had never understood it when she’d read a book or watched a movie where two people who were obviously in love walked away from each other. Now, for the first time, she did. And the pain of it was beyond anything she’d ever felt before, including the loss of her daughter.
“So,” she said, drawing a shaky breath, “what this means is that when we find my biggest fan and put him behind bars...” She couldn’t go on.
“We each go our separate ways,” he finished for her.
“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”
“I wish you could. You don’t know how I wish that, Kate.”
She squeezed her eyes shut against the pain. When she opened them a minute later, she’d come to a decision. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Of course.”
“While we’re together, for however long it is, I want us to share a bed. Will you do that, Steve? Will you hold me at night? Make love to me? Will you give me the memories that I can hold on to...later?” She felt her lower lip start to tremble and sank her teeth into it. “Please?”
A muscle jumped in his jaw as he gazed at her for untold seconds. Then, in a burst of motion, he reached out and hauled her into his arms. “God help me,” he cried, burying his face in her hair. “I’m not strong enough to turn you away.”
But he was strong enough to walk out of her life, Kate thought with a twinge of bitterness before shoving the thought from her mind. Tonight she would concentrate only on Steve. On the strength of his arms around her. On how good it felt to have her head cradled to his chest. On the way his heart beat beneath her ear and the heat from his body seeped into hers.
She lifted her head and raised her lips to his. “Kiss me, Steve. Make love to me.”
With a groan, his mouth crushed hers. Kate melted against him, her fingers clutching at the fabric of his shirt The kiss deepened, her mouth parting beneath his as his tongue stabbed into her in a motion that she felt all the way to the core of her femininity. Feverishly, restlessly, his hands slid over her arms and back, until finally his fingers sank into her hair and pulled her mouth so tightly against his it hurt. And still she strained to get closer.
When he raised his head, he caught her beneath the knees and lifted her into his arms. His eyes glittered with a desire that left her weak with wanting.
“You’re sure you want this, Kate?”
She didn’t hesitate. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
His long strides carried her up the stairs and into a bedroom where a huge, mahogany four-poster dominated the masculine room. After turning on a bedside lamp, he set her on her feet.
“Let me undress you,” she said, reaching for his shirt buttons.
Gaze locked with his, Kate allowed her fingers to do their work. When the last button had been freed, she slid the fabric off his shoulders and let it fall softly to the floor. His chest rose and fell rapidly as she tangled her fingers through its soft mat of hair.
“Your heart’s pounding,” she teased as her hands roved from his chest to his hard stomach.
“That’s because you’re driving me crazy,” he replied through clenched teeth.
She sent him a coquettish look. “Want me to stop?”
“Never.”
She reached for his belt, and he inhaled sharply. Heady with her power over him, she knelt before him and removed his pants. Though his body was as familiar to her as her own, she felt as if she were seeing it for the first time. Wonder filled her at his perfection. She wanted to touch and kiss and stroke every inch of his skin. When his erection sprang free, she reached for him.
Steve’s hands shot out, and he pulled her to her feet. “Not tonight, Kate,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s been too long. If you touch me like that, I might not be able to hold back.” His fingers slid her T-shirt from her sweatpants. “Besides, it’s my turn to undress you.”
Slowly, tantalizingly he relieved her of her clothing. When she was finally naked, she trembled with her need.
Steve’s gaze roved hotly over her. “You’re so beautiful, Kate. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
A wave of desire washed over her, leaving her weak and yearning. “Love me,” she begged.
“Always.” He spoke the word as if it were a vow.
This time, when he took her in his arms, she could feel that he trembled, too. After sweeping back the covers, he gently laid her on the cool sheets, then covered her body with his. While his mouth sought hers, his hand slid between her legs, stroking her, readying her.
“You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed of holding you like this,” he said.
“Not any more than me,” she replied, gasping with pleasure as his mouth moved from her lips to tease the nipple of one breast.
When he entered her a moment later, Kate shuddered with pleasure. How she’d missed this! How she’d missed him!
Steve moved slowly at first. Then, when she wrapped her legs around him, his movements grew faster, more frenzied.
“I’m sorry, Kate,” he groaned, lifting up on his elbows to gaze down at her. “I thought I could be gentle, take my time. But I can’t. Lord help me, I can’t.”
“I don’t want you to be gentle,” she said.
Her fingers clutched at shoulders that were slippery with sweat, and her eyes closed as he drove into her with hard, urgent strokes. As she arched beneath him, meeting every thrust with an answering one of her own, a familiar sensation started building deep inside her. It grew and swirled until she literally exploded from the force of it Sobbing his name, Kate wrapped her arms around his neck as their bodies convulsed together.
“Thank you,” he said a minute later, arms still around her. The words were muffled because his face was buried in her hair.
“For what?” she asked, a playful smile curling her lips.
When he lifted his head and gazed down at her, the look in his eyes was anything but playful. “For the gift of your love,” he said softly. “No matter what happens in the future, I will always have this night with me.”
Kate’s smile faltered as realit
y—the knowledge that their time together was limited—threatened to pierce the veil of sensual fulfillment that enclosed them like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Not tonight, she told herself. Tonight, there was just the two of them. Tonight, and for as long as it took them to find her biggest fan, she refused to think of anything but the satisfaction they could find in each other’s arms.
Drawing a long, ragged breath, she banished all sad thoughts and forced the smile back to her lips. “Are you tired?” she asked, her voice heavy with promise as, reaching up, she idly twirled a finger through his hair.
His answering smile was lrnowing. “Why do you ask?”
Kate’s heart pounded with love and need. “No special reason,” she teased. “I just thought that if you weren’t too tired or too worn out, maybe I could show you a thing or two.”
He rolled onto his back, and pulled her on top of him. “Show away,” he invited.
She complied willingly.
When Kate woke, late morning sunlight spilled across the massive bed. She was alone. Dressing quickly, she went looking for Steve. She found him in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a mug.
“Can I have some?”
“Of course.”
He handed her the coffee he’d already poured. Before she could make eye contact, he turned and reached for another mug.
“Last night was wonderful,” she said, after taking a sip.
“Yes,” he replied. “It was.”
“I can’t wait until tonight.” She dropped her voice seductively. “Of course, we don’t have to wait until then.”
He turned to face her. The light of awareness, of shared intimacy that she’d expected to see in his eyes was glaringly absent. He seemed distant, preoccupied. There was a frightening emptiness in his face.
“What is it?” she asked. “Is something wrong?”
“There won’t be a tonight, Kate,” he said.
“But...I thought you agreed—”
“Carlo just called. Your biggest fan’s behind bars.”
The words hit her like a blow. Pain squeezed her heart like a fist. No, she wanted to cry in protest. . Not yet I’m not ready.
“When?” she asked.
“Last night. Carlo’s been keeping an eye on the post office. One of his men caught the guy red-handed while he was trying to mail another letter to you. Not only does he own a black Buick LeSabre that he purchased from Portman Motors three years ago, but his prints match those we found in your house. When confronted with the evidence against him, he confessed. The bond hearing was first thing this morning. He pleaded guilty and is being held in the county jail without bail, awaiting sentencing. With any luck, it’ll be a long time before he’s free to walk the streets.”
Kate knew she should be deliriously happy that the threat to her life had been removed. Instead, all she felt was a rising desperation, because the way Steve was acting told her that he meant to follow through with what he’d said last night. Despite his avowals of love to her and hers to him. Despite the incredibly sweet hours they’d spent in each other’s arms. Unless she could think of something fast, he was going to walk out of her life. Or, to be more precise, he expected her to walk out of his.
“Did he say why he did this to me?”
Steve shrugged. “Not that I’m aware. Do these kooks ever need a reason?”
“I suppose not.” She let out a long breath. “So, it’s finally over.”
He nodded. “Yes, it is.”
“It’s safe for me to go home now.”
“Yes.”
She could still smell his scent on her body, still feel his touch, and he stood there looking at her as if he’d already said goodbye. The hopelessness of the situation made her want to break down and cry. Instead, she lifted her chin and stared at him defiantly.
“You want me to go? Is that what you’re saying?”
The knuckles of the hands he’d wrapped around his mug showed white. “I think it would be best.”
“You can still say that, after last night?”
Though her words sparked a flare of emotion in his eyes, his voice was empty when he spoke. “To prolong things would only make it harder on both of us. I’ve already called a cab. It will be here in a few minutes.”
So this was it. The end of the road. She’d only had one night with him. It was far too little.
Kate carefully placed her mug on the kitchen table. “I’ll go, Steve, if that’s what you want. But I won’t say goodbye. I’ll never say goodbye.”
“Then I’ll say the words for you. Goodbye, Kate.”
Dry-eyed, her pain too deep for tears, Kate stared at the blinking cursor on her computer monitor. As they had been for the past hour, her fingers were poised over the keyboard, waiting for the words to come. But they wouldn’t come, no matter how hard she willed it. The screen remained blank. She had no room in her brain, or her heart, for anything but thoughts of Steve. Even the knowledge of a looming deadline wasn’t enough to spur her into action.
Most of her columns were an effort to make sense of the world she lived in. They usually began with one simple question: why? Then, in nine hundred words or so, she’d figure out the answers for herself and others. If only it were that easy for her to figure out the solution to her problem with Steve.
Her gaze roved to the bank of computer monitors on Martha’s desk, and a lump formed in her throat. Even though it would mean that her biggest fan was still on the loose, she wished with all her heart that Steve was sitting there right now. But he would never sit there again. The last thing he had said to her before the taxi drove off was that someone would be by later that week to collect the monitors.
Drawing a shaky breath, she returned her focus to the computer screen. She was a professional, she told herself. She had a column to write. People were depending on her to get the job done. For however long it took, she would put her misery behind her and do what she had to do. Slowly she began to type.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she suddenly realized that she was no longer alone in the room. At the same time, she realized one other thing: whoever the intruder was, he or she had gone to great pains not to be heard.
Kate’s fingers froze on the keyboard. A frisson of fear raced up her spine. Too late, she remembered that she’d left her front door unlocked and the security system turned off. The gesture had been a rebellious one, a reaction to everything she’d been through the past week. Now it just seemed foolish. And incredibly stupid.
“Hello, Kate,” she heard a familiar voice say, and her fear heightened a notch. “It’s been a long time.”
Heart pounding, she swiveled around in her chair. The first thing she saw was the gun pointing at her heart. Even before she saw the crazed light in his eyes, she knew that a terrible mistake had been made. Her biggest fan hadn’t been caught. She was staring straight at him.
“Quincy,” she said.
Chapter 16
The woman wore a long-sleeved dress. Her lank hair had been combed forward to cover the bruises on her cheeks. Dark glasses failed to hide the black-and-blue marks around her eyes. When she looked up from the money he’d placed in her hands, Steve saw tears streaming down her cheeks.
“But this is your own money,” she said. “I can’t take it. I’ll never be able to repay you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Mrs. Johnson,” he replied. “I’m the one who’s repaying a debt. You don’t want me to get behind in my payments, do you?”
“No, I...I suppose not.”
Still seeming hesitant, she glanced across the reception area to where her two too-quiet children sat with Liza. Steve took advantage of her preoccupation to press his point home.
“If you can’t take the money for yourself, take it for them. Later on, when you’re in a position to do so, help someone else in need. That will be payment enough.”
“All right,” she said, much to his relief. “Thank you. You’re a good man, Mr. Gallagher. It’s nice to know there are still
some of you left.”
The compliment made him uncomfortable. If only she knew the thinness of the line separating him from her husband, she’d grab her children and run screaming from the building.
“You have a bus to catch,” he reminded her. “You don’t want to miss it.”
“No, we don’t. God be with you.”
“And with you, Mrs. Johnson.”
With a nod, she gathered up her children and ushered them into the waiting elevator. As usual, after the doors closed, Steve felt drained. Instead of returning to his office and the workload awaiting him, he remained rooted to the spot, unable to summon up the command that would force his body to move. Inevitably, as they had a thousand times already, his thoughts turned to Kate.
Letting her go that morning had been the hardest damn thing he’d ever done. Although he’d known it was the only answer for them, he’d almost begged her to stay a dozen times. When her taxi had finally driven off, he’d felt as if his heart had gone with it. As, in fact, it had.
He wished he could turn back time to the hours before Carlo’s phone call, when she’d lain in his arms and he’d found heaven on earth. If he could turn back time, he’d freeze it there, so that he would never have to let her go.
The phone call. Something about it niggled at him. He couldn’t help thinking that a couple of the puzzle pieces were still missing. Everything had been wrapped up too smoothly, too effortlessly for him to completely trust it, he supposed. It was probably just his disappointment that he hadn’t been in on the capture. Kate’s biggest fan was behind bars. That was all that mattered. She was safe.
Which meant that, once again, he was all alone. A fresh wave of pain washed over him. How was he going to live without her? How was he going to make it through the next minute without her by his side?
He had work to do, he reminded himself. A lot of it. Work had helped him in the past It had gotten him through the deaths of both his daughter and his marriage. It would see him through this. It had to.
“You have a phone call,” Liza announced, jolting him out of his reverie. “A Jock Oldham.”
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