by Jess Bryant
“What can I do, Sky?”
“I don’t…” She paused, bit her lip and her eyes darkened as they met his, “Help warm me up?”
“Okay, I’ll get you some more blankets.”
She shook her head, “No. You. You’ve gotta warm me up with your body heat.”
He stopped breathing as what she was asking sank in. No. No way. He couldn’t do that. Anything but that. He couldn’t crawl into bed with her, couldn’t lay beside her, against her. He didn’t trust either of them in that situation.
“Sky…”
“Just lay with me. Nothing will happen. You’re not that irresistible, Colt.”
“Maybe you are.”
Her eyes widened at that and he realized too late what he’d admitted to. Damn it. He needed to get out of here. He kept saying things that he shouldn’t say. If he stayed he’d keep talking and she might see everything he’d worked so hard to hide, to ignore.
A hard shiver shook her and all of the reasons he should say no abandoned him. She needed him. She was cold. He would warm her up. Hell, right now he was as hot as a blast furnace. If she thought they could lay in bed together and it wouldn’t mean anything then he had to believe her.
She had a boyfriend, the little voice in the back of his mind reminded. It probably didn’t mean anything to her to invite him into her bed, despite what she might have said about him so far tonight. She was sick, out of it. She’d thought she was hallucinating so really, he couldn’t take anything she’d said or done personally.
He toed off his shoes, “Scoot over and I’ll get in.”
“Th… Thanks.”
It was a terrible idea. It would haunt him from here to eternity. But he’d already admitted to himself that he was not a good man. He didn’t think rationally when it came to this woman. He gave in to her all the time for far more trivial things. This was important at least.
Colt slid into the bed without pulling off his shirt. He’d thought about it momentarily. It would be easier to get her warm skin to skin but that would have been courting danger. She’d said he was usually shirtless in her dreams, an easy admission that would drive him crazy to know why that was.
Did she like his chest? He worked out, a lot. It was a good way to burn off all of his restless energy. Besides, as long as he was fighting for Lincoln he had to stay fit. Or was it the artwork that she liked? His chest, like his arms, was covered in tattoos. He’d put enough of them on her skin to know she had a thing for ink but just thinking about that made his pants uncomfortable so he banished the memories of her squirming in his chair from his mind and focused on ice water, glaciers and freezing rain instead.
“Come here.” He raised his arm and she immediately snuggled against him.
He held his breath as her soft body molded to his harder one. Her head fit against his shoulder, her hair tickling his chin. She curled up against his side, one arm slung across his chest so that her hand rested above his heart. She pulled her leg up over his as well, fitting their bodies together like puzzle pieces. And damn if they didn’t fit.
“Oh God…” Skylar moaned as she settled in against him, “You’re so warm. Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Mmm, our little secret.” She agreed with a smile he could feel against his chest.
She shivered against him and he instinctively wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer. She felt like she was burning up but if she was cold, he’d do everything he could to warm her. He found himself stroking his hand up and down her back in a soothing motion before he’d ever decided to touch her.
As her shivering began to slow, he felt his own tension fade. He tried to fight it. Tried to keep his head on straight and not let it get to him, but it was impossible to deny how right it felt to hold her like this. He might never get an opportunity like this again so he gave in to the warmth and comfort that she unknowingly returned to him and simply enjoyed the moment.
“Mmm…” Her hum a while later surprised him because he’d thought she was asleep again, “This is nice.”
He bit the inside of his cheek but couldn’t keep the truth back, “Yeah, it is.”
“Thank you for coming to check on me.” She whispered into the darkness.
“You don’t have to thank me. I told you. We’re friends. I’ll always be here for you when you need me.”
“I know.” She traced a circle on his chest with her finger, “And I’m glad you’re here now.”
He smashed his hand down on hers, stopping the movement. It was teasing, flirtatious, and neither of them could have that right now. She was sick, he reminded himself. Out of it. He wasn’t going to take advantage of that. He wasn’t going to cross the line and ruin their already fragile friendship. She meant too much to him for that. She sighed but didn’t move her hand again when he pulled his away.
“I can’t stay long. I have somewhere I’m supposed to be.”
“Oh…” She stiffened against him, “Okay.”
He didn’t owe her any explanations so he didn’t give her any. What was he going to tell her? No, he wasn’t going on a date, but it would be better if she thought he was. The truth was, he let her think he did a lot more dating than he actually did. A lot more hooking up too, because it was an easy barrier to keep between them, a way to keep her at arm’s length with nothing but innuendos and lies. He was good at both and he didn’t need her thinking he was sitting home alone pining over her. Besides, he wasn’t going to tell her about his illegal extracurricular activities and pretending they were date nights killed two birds with one stone.
“Colt?”
“Hmm?”
“What made you come over here? Aren’t you supposed to be at the shop?”
He was grateful for the change of topic and sighed, “Jemma called.”
“Ah, that makes sense.”
“She was really worried about you when she couldn’t get you on the phone, Sky. She thought the worst.” He brushed her hair back from her face, “We all did.”
“My phone must have died, that’s all.”
“She didn’t know that. All she knew was that you were really sick and had refused to call anyone for help. You wouldn’t go to a doctor or to the hospital and then you stopped answering the phone and…” He growled and shook off the flash of fear that hit him when he thought of losing her forever, “Don’t scare us like that again, okay?”
Skylar nodded against his shoulder, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone. That’s why I didn’t call for help.”
“We worry about you whether you ask us to or not. That’s what being friends means, right? Worrying about each other. Taking care of each other.”
She was silent and he fought the urge to lecture her some more. It wasn’t his place. But they were friends, so maybe it was.
“It doesn’t make you weak to ask for help, Sky. I know you like doing things on your own but you’re only human. You’re gonna have bad days and you’re gonna need somebody to help you. Don’t ever hesitate to call me…” He cleared his throat, “Or Cash and Jemma.”
“I didn’t want to worry them.”
“Sky…”
“No, I’m serious. They have so much going on with the engagement and the baby and Jemma’s gonna be moving the last of her stuff over to y’alls place soon and she’s about to start her new job. It’s a lot to deal with and she’s already so emotional. I didn’t want to worry her.”
It was a lot to deal with. He’d told himself, more than once since Jemma came back into their lives, that Cash didn’t need his bullshit dragging him down. His brother was happy and as carefree as he’d ever seen him. He’d finally managed to put their past behind him, had cut Decker out of his life, refusing to let that darkness touch his beautiful fiancé or the life they could have together. Colt had always kept things from Cash to protect him and more recently to protect his happiness. He couldn’t blame Skylar for doing the same thing for Jemma.
“They were still worri
ed or they wouldn’t have called me to come and check on you.”
“I know.” Skylar whispered, stifling a yawn against his shoulder, “And I’m sorry they dragged you away from work but I’m not sorry you showed up. I appreciate it. More than you know.”
His hand traced down her back again and she shivered, “I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me. You’ve been pretty pissed at me lately.”
“I told you, I’m still pissed at you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you showing up when I needed you.”
He wanted to ask why it was she didn’t mind him being there when she’d refused to let her boyfriend come over, but he didn’t dare. He usually just said whatever was on his mind but not with Skylar. He always had to be careful not to reveal too much around her.
And he wasn’t sure he really wanted the answer to that question. He didn’t know what would be worse, hearing that she wanted him there because she trusted him more than that other guy or if she didn’t mind him seeing her sick because she didn’t care if he saw her at her worst like she might her boyfriend.
Fuck, she had a boyfriend.
He closed his eyes and blew out an unsteady breath. He’d crossed a lot of lines in his life. He’d broken rules and laws all the same. He’d done some seriously illegal shit. But cheating was a line he’d never crossed, not knowing full well that his mother’s cheating was the reason Decker hated him and Cash so much, and he didn’t intend to follow in her footsteps. No matter how much he wanted Skylar, she belonged to someone else and he wouldn’t cross that line.
He’d tried to convince himself, once, when he first realized this guy wasn’t going to be a dick and dash situation, that Skylar having a boyfriend was a good thing. It helped him keep her at a distance. He wasn’t a cheater and he wasn’t going to make her one. But the longer this guy stuck around, the harder that had been to swallow, because his someday with her looked pretty fucking bleak if she was in love with someone else, if she decided to settle down and tie herself to someone else before he got his shit together and proved he could be good enough for her.
He had plenty of reasons for keeping her at arm’s length but the boyfriend was the one he hated the most.
Colt shook away those dark thoughts, “You think you’ll get over being mad at me anytime soon?”
“Why? You missing me?”
“Yeah.” He admitted with an uneasy smile, “I miss my daily dose of gossip. I have no idea what’s going on in town since you stopped bringing by lunch.”
She giggled and then groaned as if it hurt, “You want to know whether Freddie and Laura are really swingers, just admit it. It has nothing to do with me.”
“Nah, everyone knows the Warren’s swing with the Thornton’s.” He stroked her back again, “I miss you. There, I said it. I miss hanging out with you, okay? Will you forgive me already?”
“That didn’t sound like an apology… so no.”
He fought the urge to immediately curse. She knew him well. Too well. Because only someone that knew him inside and out would dare say something like that to him, could know what it meant to him and still push him on that issue.
Colt didn’t do apologies. He’d given them up a long time ago. He’d tried, when he was a kid, to apologize his way out of his messes but it had never worked. He’d tried apologizing for his Bomar tendencies, the ones that this entire town seemed hell bent on punishing him for, but it had never done him any good so he’d said to hell with it.
To hell with this town. To hell with the world. To hell with anyone that wanted to judge him. To hell with anyone that expected him to apologize for being who and what he was.
No apologies, that was how he lived his life.
Apologizing meant letting people have expectations of him. It meant letting someone in enough to care that he had hurt their feelings. And he didn’t do either of those things so he’d stopped apologizing for himself a long time ago.
Skylar knew that. Because despite what he told Cash, Jemma, and the world at large, he did care what someone thought about him, and it was her. He’d let her get too close, get under his skin, and he cared. Worse, he had a feeling she knew it.
“Come on, just say you’re sorry that you were mean to me when I was only trying to be there for you and we can be friends again. It’s easy. Just say it.”
He snorted because no, it wasn’t easy, not for him. Nobody else could have gotten away with pushing him like this. If Cash had asked him to apologize, he’d have told his brother to grow the fuck up. If Jemma had said she expected an apology he’d have given her a charming smile, a little misdirected innuendo and distracted her from the issue. If it had been anyone else, his cousins, his family, a random stranger on the sidewalk, he’d have rolled his eyes, walked away or thrown a punch. But he couldn’t do any of those things with Skylar.
He grit his teeth, “You want an apology?”
“Uh huh.”
“That’s what all the cold shoulder stuff has been about? You’re making a point. You want me to apologize for being an asshole?”
“Yeah.”
“Sky, you know that’s just who I am.”
“No, it’s not, it’s just who you want me to think you are.”
He snorted to cover his wince because she had hit the mark with that comment, “You know me better than that.”
“Yeah, I do.” She tilted her chin up and he could feel her watching him but didn’t dare look down to meet her gaze.
If he did, he might be tempted to say the words she wanted to hear and he couldn’t do that. Calling her angel out loud. Admitting that he would always be there for her. Crawling into this bed and holding her. He was already treading far too close to the line and if he looked down and saw anything in her big blue eyes that suggested she wanted more from him than just an apology, he’d probably give that to her too.
They fell silent and he began to breathe a little easier when he realized she was going to let it go, at least for the time being. She had to know she wasn’t going to get an apology. Did that make him an asshole? Yes, undoubtedly, but he wasn’t going to say the words and take that barrier between them down.
He thought back to that night and felt his muscles tense with the memories. It had been a shitty day. Dealing with Decker always turned a good day bad but it had only gotten worse when he returned home and faced off with Skylar.
His father liked to get drunk and then start fights. It was so common that Sherriff Trebly had come up with a system to deal with him. He tossed Decker in the drunk tank, called the twins, and they came and hauled him out to the little shack in the middle of nowhere he still called home so that he couldn’t hurt anyone else. Colt had hated doing it but Cash had insisted and so he’d gone along with it, for years, instead of leaving Decker in jail to sober up. That night had been particularly bad because drunk Decker loved nothing more than attacking his sons.
Cash had learned to deal with their father’s abuse over the years. Maybe deal wasn’t the right word because he didn’t deal with it but he did separate himself from him. Cash had built a wall inside of himself and he stacked all of that hurt on one side of it and didn’t let it destroy the better parts of him.
It was a skill that Colt had never developed. The only way he had been able to survive his father was to put distance between them. When he was forced to face him, face his hate and his threats, he broke every time. All of his own pain and anger boiled over and he lashed out, at his father, at Cash, and unfortunately, that night, Skylar had gotten in his way too.
She’d come over with Jemma to check on them that night. It had been a sweet gesture. He could see that now. She’d been worried about them. About him. But that night he’d been hurting and on edge, far too close to letting his darkness swallow him whole, and he hadn’t trusted himself to be anywhere near her.
With Skylar, he had to be in control. Always. He cared about her too much to risk her safety and nothing about him was safe. He’d yelled at her that night, told her he didn’t
want to see her, didn’t want her around. He’d pushed her away physically and emotionally and he didn’t think that deserved an apology.
He’d done it for her own good. He wasn’t sorry for that. The only part he was sorry about was that he’d hurt her feelings, that he couldn’t tell her why it was he’d done it in the first place. So no, he couldn’t apologize and he wouldn’t.
All he could hope was that she would get over her need to hear the words. Accept him for who he was and let it go. Because when he thought of the last few weeks, of that strange, aching emptiness that had taken up residence in his chest when he realized she was avoiding him, he didn’t like to think about that lasting forever. She would forgive him and they would go back to their improbable and complicated friendship.
If that was all he could have of her, he wanted it back.
Colt held her for a long time in the dark even after he felt her breathing go even and knew she’d fallen asleep. He knew he needed to get up. He had things to do. But still he stayed.
Usually, before a fight he liked to work himself up. He would work out if he could, get his muscles revved for the occasion. It also helped to spend some time alone with his thoughts. It was the only time he let the memories come, the darkness that he tried so hard to ignore and pretend didn’t exist. He let it come before a fight, knowing he needed the anger and the unrestrained violence to win with his fists.
He’d never lost a fight in the cage. Hell, he’d never lost a fight in his life if he didn’t count the blows Decker had leveled on him when he was too small to defend himself. He didn’t count those. They weren’t fights. They were beatings.
What he did in the cage wasn’t the same as that, it was two men, similar in size and strength that chose to use their fists. He did it for Lincoln, for the debt he owed. The other guys he’d met there did it for the money, or the pain or the simple fun of getting back to their base instincts. But the point was they all chose it and despite his own misgivings about it, he knew it was something he was good at.
