“Actually they’re moving there, but Uncle Brendan doesn’t want to go, so he’s gonna stay here.”
I was exhilarated. I wasn’t sure that I could keep it together any longer, so I told Hannah that I would call Terry’s place and talk to Brendan. When she and I hung up, I danced around my room until I fell onto my bed in jubilant laughter.
Since I was going to be busy the next day at our church picnic, I decided to call him right then instead of waiting until morning. Frustration overtook my excitement when the babysitter said he wasn’t there. I left my name and number with her, and then sat down to write Brendan another note.
I tried to stay up late, but the emotional roller coaster I’d been on with Brendan lately had me very tired. I fell asleep and dreamt of a big, elaborate wedding that was held in a beautiful church. Brendan was standing at the front of my church, watching his bride approach the altar. His intended was stunning in a wedding dress and long veil made of lace and crystals, the intricate pattern making it impossible to see her face. The perfect ceremony concluded. Brendan lifted the veil and gave his bride the sweetest kiss. He pulled back smiling, as the happy couple turned to face their guests. It was then that I realized I was not the bride. I was sitting in the audience.
I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard. I walked to the bathroom in a daze and splashed some cold water on my face. The sun was just beginning to break over the horizon, not quite 7:00 a.m. I walked back to my room and lay down on my bed, thinking about the dream. There was no hidden meaning; everything was perfectly clear. Could this be why he had been so distant lately?
The church picnic went off without a hitch. I soaked Mom in the balloon toss, and Steve won the watermelon seed-spitting contest. We sang some of my favorite hymns and choruses. All around, it was a great day.
Aimee was waiting on the front porch when we got home. By the time Dad pulled the car around back and we got out, she was by my side.
“Hey!” I said. “I haven’t seen you all day. Wait, what’s wrong?”
“We need to talk.” I could see the angst written on her face. Something was going on, and it was something she felt I needed to know right then.
“Mom, Aimee and I are going up to my room.”
“Okay, honey. Hi, Aimee,” Mom said with a wave.
We walked in through the kitchen and up the back stairs. Once we were in my room, she shut the door and sat next to me on the bed.
“What’s going on?” I was almost afraid to ask. Could this be what I had feared since my dream last night?
“Grandma Nancy called today and asked me to tell you something. There is no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come out with it. She thinks that Brendan is seeing another girl.”
“She thinks so? Does she have any proof? Is she sure?” I jumped up from the bed and paced the room.
“No, not really. But he’s been spending a lot of time over at Terry and Becky’s place, and this girl has been hanging out there a lot, too.”
I breathed a big, heavy sigh. Once again, my world was falling apart. Bad enough that I had to compete against two men for his attention. Now there was another girl, too? I wanted to scream.
“I knew he’d been over to Terry’s more frequently. In fact, Hannah said he was going to move in with them, but Justin and Greg were still going to Florida.”
Aimee nodded. “Grandma Nancy told me that, too.”
“Well, I had planned on calling him later tonight. I’ll just ask him straight out.”
“Janessa, hello? You honestly think that he’s going to tell you the truth? C’mon, are we even talking about the same guy?”
Aimee was right. There was no way he would tell me the truth. Honesty was never one of Brendan’s strong suits. Still, though, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted him to have the chance to tell me the truth.
“I know I’m an idiot, but I have to try. Okay?”
Aimee shrugged and nodded, knowing she wasn’t going to win the argument this time.
After Aimee left, I took stock of my crazy day. Things had been so out of sync, I had just realized Brendan never called me back from the night before. I got settled on my bed, picked up the phone and dialed the familiar numbers to Terry’s place. Brendan answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey! Wow, you’re actually home,” I said
“Oh, hi, baby. How’s it going?”
Even though his words should have meant he was happy to hear my voice, his tone said otherwise. I could tell that he was not smiling on the other end of the phone. Perhaps Aimee was right – perhaps he would keep up the façade, even after I asked him. There was something tugging at me to ask, though I was sure he would lie.
“It’s going okay, I guess. Today seems like a roller coaster, I’ve had so many ups and downs. I had fun at the picnic though. And then Aimee came over.”
“Oh, yeah. What’s new with her?”
“Actually, she wanted to talk about you.”
“Oh?”
I could hear it in his voice again, the curiosity about how much I actually knew.
With butterflies in my stomach, I prepared myself for the truth.
“Uh-huh. She talked to your mom today.”
Silence.
“Grandma told her that you’re staying here. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“That’s good news, isn’t it? And yet you don’t sound very happy,” I said.
“I’m just tired.”
“Oh. I thought maybe it was because…” Deep breath. “…there was something you needed to tell me.”
“Huh? No, I don’t need to tell you anything,” he stammered.
Once again I found myself regretting not listening to Aimee. It was obvious that he was lying, but he continued to deny any wrongdoing. I wondered if he had even admitted it to himself.
Like a balloon that had slowly lost all of its air, I was deflated. I did not have the strength to continue on.
“Okay, then. I guess I’ll let you go. Talk to you later. Bye.”
I hung up without hearing his response.
I sat on my bed, stunned. Not stunned because he lied to me; he'd done that before. I was stunned because I was dumb enough to believe in him, when he’d proven over and over that I shouldn’t. Who was I kidding, thinking he ever loved me? What happened to not having any secrets? Suddenly it hit me. He had not been monogamous from the day we met. Back then I was the other woman. Where did that leave me now?
I HAD TO say the words twice before my voice had enough strength for him to hear me. Even then, I wasn't sure if it was me speaking or the gentle touch I laid on his arm that woke him.
“Brendan, are you awake?”
Despite the weakness in them, his eyes opened with recognition. He smiled at me and gave a slight wave without raising his arm.
“Hey,” I whispered and returned his smile. “You trying to set a world record or something?”
He raised his one eyebrow in confusion so I motioned toward the machines in the corner.
“All these tubes,” I explained, trying to keep some humor in my voice. Brendan rolled his eyes and gave a smirk.
There was no need for small talk; we were past that, so I stood in silence for a few moments as we looked at each other. Finally I spotted a chair and pulled it close so I could sit by the bed. I took Brendan's hand in mine.
“The nurse said you haven't been sleeping enough. You aren't going to get better without rest,” I told him.
He shrugged his shoulders and then nodded toward me, eyebrows raised again.
“What, me?” I asked. I wasn't sure what he was getting at so I said, “Yeah, I'm tired too.” But that wasn't right because he shook his head.
“Oh, sorry. I don't know what...hey, is there a notebook somewhere?”
Brendan looked over to the side table, prompting me to get up and walk around the end of the bed. I grabbed the pad and pen from the drawer and turned back to him. “This will make
things easier,” I commented and handed both to Brendan. “Want me to raise you up a bit?”
It took a few minutes for us to get things just right so he could use the paper.
I was waiting for you he wrote slowly. It wasn't that I thought the others were lying to me, but somehow it was different to see it from him.
I half-smiled and sighed. “Well, I'm here now. Will you sleep? For me?”
I will try. Will you stay?
I leaned down and kissed him on the head. “Yes,” I promised.
I took the notebook and pen from him, placing it back on the nightstand. He sighed in contentment as I lowered the bed back down and then crossed the room, sitting in the chair again.
Taking his hand in mine, I began to sing one of our favorite songs. I didn't stop until he was asleep.
IT WAS LATE when the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hey! Did I wake you up?”
“Nope, I’m awake.”
There was a voice from downstairs. “Janessa, who is it?”
I covered the mouthpiece with my right hand and answered, “It’s okay, Daddy, just Aimee.”
“Sorry about that. What’s up?”
“Grandma just called me. She got a call from Terry asking to pass along a message. He told her that Brendan doesn’t want you to call him anymore.”
“Oh, really?” I said with disgust. “After all these months and all this pain, he’s going to send a message? I don’t think so! I’m calling there right now. And if he doesn't want to talk to me, fine. I'll ask for Terry.”
I could tell that Aimee was surprised at my determination by the way she sighed. “Okay, let me know what happens.”
We hung up, and I dialed the number. Becky answered the phone.
“It’s me. Is he there?”
“No, he’s not home.”
“When he gets there can you ask him to call me, please? I’ll be up.”
“Do you not understand that Brendan doesn't want to speak to you?”
“Yeah I get it, but he owes me more than that. So put him on the phone.”
I heard the distinctive sounds of the phone switching possession.
“Never call this goddamned house again. I mean it!”
A man's voice. Not Brendan, though. It was his brother Terry. Click
I was frozen. What was happening to my beautiful summer romance?
I did not have long to think about the answer, because the phone rang right away. It was Brendan.
“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me,” I mumbled.
“Becky told me what you said, about me owing you more. I agree, so I decided to call and tell you the truth.”
I took a moment to compose myself. This was what I’d been waiting for, but now that it was here, was I ready? What if Aimee was right and he was seeing another girl? Then again, was there really a difference between him seeing someone new and what he and I had been doing the past two months?
“What exactly is that, Brendan?”
“What everybody’s been saying, about me having a new girlfriend. It’s true.”
He was very solemn, reminding me of the quiet way people talk when they are at a funeral. I wasn’t sure if he was so quiet because it was midnight or because he was ashamed.
Tears filled my eyes, and I wiped at them. I was angry, but the pain was even stronger.
“Is it now?” I barked. “And her name?”
“Tavora. She’s 19.”
There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I could not form any words. There was nothing but numbness. Every few seconds, I took a shallow breath while he continued to talk. The numbness reached down to my feet, and I collapsed onto the floor. It grew upward, settling into my stomach, making me sick. I could not feel horrible. It was too soon to feel anything other than nothingness. Right then I was just trying to breathe.
“I wanted to tell you, baby, but I couldn’t.”
I heard a noise – snap! – and came back to reality. As Brendan was relentless in providing information about her, I was jerked to attention.
Did he just say that he wanted to tell me but couldn’t? Did he honestly just call me baby? Again? Right after telling me that he had another girlfriend? I felt the sassy side of me coming back in full force, and I let her have her say.
“You wanted to tell me, huh?” I spat. “It’s not like you didn’t have a chance. Hell, you’ve been ignoring me for weeks. You know, if anybody is going to lose sleep over this, it will be you. I can easily go on with my life, but you are going to have to get used to life without me. Besides, she’s just a cop-out to get people off your back. I know your family gives you grief about being with me. Justin and Greg think I’m just a baby. But you’re moving way too fast with this girl, and you know it.”
“I’d still like to be friends.” His tone was almost begging.
“Friends? Seriously? If you got stabbed in the back three times by someone, would you still be their friend?”
“I guess not. But I really do love you. I need you to know that, and I’m so sorry.”
“Save it! I’ve heard all of your crap before. You and Tavora have a nice life. I’ll see you around.”
I felt a range of emotions after I slammed down the phone. Yelling at Brendan empowered me, but I was also very angry...ashamed ...and felt so stupid.
God, I was so stupid! Why did I have to be so weak? What was it about him that made me fall for him, and why couldn’t I seem to overcome it?
It was almost 1:00 AM, and I was so tired. Sleep would not come easily. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Brendan’s face and his beautiful, deep brown eyes. I rolled over to try again, only to see his perfect smile and hear his smooth voice. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was the one who would lose sleep.
I choked down sobs and buried my head deep in the pillow.
Four days later, I walked to Grandma Nancy’s house by myself to ask her how Brendan was doing. Staying away from him had proven harder than I thought, and I ached to know something. I walked in the gate, up the steps and into the house expecting to hear Grandma’s customary “How do?”
Instead I heard a very familiar voice.
“Oh my God, I didn’t expect to see you here.”
It was like one of those moments in a movie where someone stops dead in her tracks. I could see his face, but I wasn’t sure he was really there. I took a step forward to get a better look. There were several days’ worth of stubble on his jaw, and I could tell that he hadn’t been sleeping. After summoning my strength, I spoke.
“Yeah, same here. You need to shave, bud. How have you been?”
“Pretty good. How about you, baby?”
My stomach flipped, and I got goose bumps on my arms. Just hearing him call me baby again was enough to make me want to throw my arms around his neck. I longed to kiss him, but I had to find the will to restrain myself, for I knew that staying apart was the best thing. Then again, it would take only one touch to fall back in love with him.
“About the same,” I lied. I didn’t see any reason to confess I'd seen him every night in my dreams.
It seemed I wasn't the only one feeling awkward standing there, two almost lovers with nothing to say.
“Hey, listen, I need to get going; I have a lot to do. It was nice to see you.”
Before I could respond, before I could even give him a hug, I watched as his eyes gave me that look. The same look he'd used the first day I saw him; the same look he gave me the day of our first kiss. My knees grew weak, and I had to stop myself from falling into him. He must have seen; the right side of his mouth curved up in a crooked smile.
“I would have caught you, ya know?”
“I know, thanks.” Then, sheepishly, I added, “If you’re offering, I could use a hug.”
It must be true, what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder because I swelled with forgiveness the moment we touched. His arms enveloped me, and we fit together, my curves matching his. I hadn’t felt so
mething this good since the day he asked me to marry him at the park. He stroked my hair and I closed my eyes, a sigh escaping my throat.
“I know, I know,” he whispered. “And that’s why I need to leave.” He kissed me on the forehead. I heard the back door slam shut before I even knew he was gone.
I sighed again and walked around the corner to where Grandma was sitting at the breakfast bar. She gave me a look of understanding, yet I couldn’t shake the feeling there was more to it. I took the bait.
“What’s going on?” I asked while grabbing a glass of tea.
“Do you remember that night that Justin and Greg went to your house and told your parents everything?”
“Of course I remember. It was the beginning of the end.”
I sat down at the bar across from her and took a drink, allowing the cold liquid to cool me off.
“They did the same thing with Tavora the other night. Went to Terry and Becky’s place and explained it all. They even told her that he was supposed to move to Florida with them, but that he was going to stay here just for her.”
“Oh, dear God, what did she do? I hope she’s smarter than I was.”
Grandma Nancy nodded. “She turned to Brendan, told him how much she hates liars and broke up with him. Then she stormed out the door.”
“Wow, no wonder he looks so rough. He just lost two girlfriends in a week’s time.” I didn’t mean for it to be a joke but it was humorous to me just the same. “So what is he going to do now?”
“Still live with Terry and Becky, I guess. He’s pretty much worn out his welcome with everyone else.”
Grandma and I visited for a few more minutes, but it was getting late and I still had to walk home. I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek before walking out the door.
Walking home alone gave me a lot of time to think. I knew that I wasn’t over him, but I had gotten very good at lying to myself. It seemed like I would get to a place where I knew it was all going to be okay, and then I would see him again, or Aimee would innocently mention his name and I would be transported back to a place that hurt.
I was still so confused by everything. I wanted time to think, but the minute I walked away, I missed him. There was so much pain involved with our relationship, but that didn’t matter now. It only mattered that I loved him, and I wanted to see him again and again. I was not ready for goodbye. I found myself naively wishing that things had never changed.
Tough Love Page 5
