“I guess I deserve that,” Brendan said. When I didn’t say anything, he decided to try again. “Okay, do you want the truth?”
“Of course, I want the truth! Why wouldn’t I want to hear the truth?” I snatched my hand back from his grasp and folded my arms across my chest.
“We fooled around. I can’t deny that, but I did not have sex with her. I swear it.”
We were in front of my house now, and Brendan slid his car into park. He turned to look at me without shutting off the engine, his face glowing in the dashboard lights.
“Baby, look at me.”
I turned my head a fraction so that I was facing his direction but could not fully see his eyes.
He spoke slowly, emphasizing every word. “I did not have sex with her. There is no baby, there is no relationship.”
“I hear you, Brendan, I do. But believing you is another story. I need to sleep on it, at the very least, okay?”
I could see his head droop in the dim lights. “Yeah, okay,” he muttered. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“At some point tomorrow, yes. But don’t call me; I’ll call you. Fair?”
“Yes, that’s more than fair,” he agreed. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too. Good night.”
I left his car without a good night kiss.
It was hard to walk up the steps and into the house without turning around, yet I stood my ground and kept my eyes straight ahead. Walking into the living room, I found my mom sitting alone. I was instantly grateful for my family, for brothers and a dad who realized I would need time and for a mother who was always there. I did not deserve them. Their patience with me over the past six months had been overwhelming. And yet, here I was contemplating how to make it work with Brendan rather than how to let him go.
I sat with Mom on the couch and laid my head on her lap. She reached up and stroked my hair, as silent tears fell, leaving dark navy dots against the indigo denim.
“Shh,” she whispered. “Just sleep. We will talk about it tomorrow.”
I drifted off, the muted hums of Baby Mine coming from Mom’s voice.
It didn’t take long for the previous night’s events to all come flooding back. My mind wanted to believe that it had all been part of a horrific dream, but I knew that wasn’t the case. My boyfriend, whom I’d already lost once, was almost out of my grasp again. It was time for me to make a decision: would I choose a life without him, or risk everything for him to stay?
The rest of my morning went by in slow motion as I contemplated my options and the consequences of each. A life without Brendan seemed too painful to bear. Thinking back to when he’d moved to Florida was hard enough; I did not want to face that darkness again. But then again, was he worth losing everything that I held dear?
I looked out my bedroom window at the freshly fallen snow and pictured my two alternatives. In the first, I was with my family, and I was relatively happy but lonely. I didn’t have a boyfriend or spouse to share my life. In the second, Brendan and I were together, yet I was not happy. I missed my family.
It was clear I would not be able to continue this relationship without compromising my loved ones. Something was gonna have to give.
I needed to listen to the voice of reason, the voice telling me to choose my family over Brendan, to choose wisely. I knew, though, that my determination would crumble the moment I looked into his deep brown eyes.
So it should have been simple: talk to him on the phone. Don’t invite him over. No. Matter. What.
With a deep sigh, I walked over to my bed, sat down and grabbed the phone. I dialed the familiar number slowly, trying to buy myself--and my strength--a few extra seconds.
Ring #1.
Okay, Nessa, here goes.
Ring #2.
Keep breathing.
Ring #3.
Maybe he isn’t home.
Ring #…
“Hello?”
Crap!
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Hey,” I whispered.
“What?”
I cleared my throat. God, it was so dry. What was I so afraid of?
“Hey,” I repeated.
“Baby! Is it really you?”
“Yeah, it’s me. I told you I would call.”
“I know, but I was beginning to wonder.”
After a moment of silence, I realized Brendan was waiting for me to give him some type of answer to the unspoken question between us.
“So, I’ve been—“
“Wait a minute,” he interrupted. “Before you go any further, can I say a few things?”
I wanted to tell him no; I knew how this would end. He would be smooth and say just what I wanted to hear. He would put all of my fears to rest, reminding me of the good times while convincing me that none of the bad mattered.
But I didn’t tell him no. I didn’t say anything at all. And so he began.
“First, let me say I know I don’t deserve you. Every day I wake up, and I can’t believe you’re still with me, after all the crap I’ve put you through. I know that I’m far from being a perfect boyfriend, but somehow you manage to see through all of that. You make me want to be a better man, baby.”
I kept listening, all the while my head was screaming, Hang up on him, dammit!
“And then, I go and do something stupid like fooling around with Damia. I don’t know why I did it, but I do know why I chose her. She reminded me of you, and I missed you so much while you were gone.” He paused just long enough to sniffle, and I realized he was crying. “It’s no excuse, baby, I get that. But it is the truth, and that’s all I’ve got.”
Not until the tear fell from my chin and splashed onto my hand did I notice I was crying, too.
“We’ve been through so much together. I don’t want to lose that, do you?”
“No,” I choked out.
“And I’ve always said ‘If you love something let it go…if it comes back, it belongs to you’. Well, I came back to you, and so I’m yours. If you still want me.”
“Of course, I still want you,” I confessed. “I’m just not sure it’s that simple.”
“Sure it is, baby. We love each other. What else do we need?”
“Okay,” I surrendered.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said. “You win.”
“Hey, let’s go see Bear,” I suggested. “I haven’t seen him and Allie in a long time.”
Brendan and I were sitting on my bed. It had been two days since our phone conversation, and things were going well. I had insisted Brendan and I call Damia together and, in no uncertain terms, let her know we were together. We also explained I was more than willing to be part of the baby’s life. Though Brendan continued to deny having sex with her, she was also sticking her ground. I wanted both of them to know I’d made up my mind and wasn’t going anywhere.
As was always the case, my parents were not happy with my decision. They realized they would either have to accept him or risk pushing me away. Of course, they chose the alternative of keeping us both around.
Brendan picked up our linked hands and kissed my fingers. “Sure, we can go over to his place if that’s what you want to do.”
I hopped up, pulling him with me as I stood.
“C’mon, then, let’s go!”
We were happy and playful while traipsing through the snow-covered streets of East Toledo on our way to Bear and Allie’s house. I threatened Brendan with a snowball, and he pretended to be afraid. I giggled as he feigned a slip, using the snowy sidewalks as an excuse to hold onto me tighter. All our problems had vanished, at least for now, and we couldn’t wait to see our friends.
When we got there, we found Bear in his typical spot: the garage, working on yet another car.
“Hey, Bear, what’s up, my brother?” Brendan called to him.
Bear looked up from under the car where he was tooling around with some car part I couldn’t name.
“Dude!” he hollered. Bear rolled out
on the dolly he was laying on, put the tool down and sat up.
“Hi, Nessa. What’s up?”
I leaned over to give Bear a hug and asked, “Where’s Allie?”
“Oh, she’s in the house. My guess is either the bathroom or the kitchen. Go on in.”
I smiled at him, stole another quick kiss from Brendan and left the boys to do their thing.
As predicted, I found Allie in the kitchen. She was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“I’ll take one of those,” I joked.
She gasped. “Janessa! Oh my, I haven’t seen you forever!”
We hugged, letting the months that had passed since we’d seen each other fade away.
“How’s college life?”
Allie walked back to the counter to finish making her sandwich while I talked. I told her about my classes and my friends, and how beautiful the campus had been in the fall.
“School is a lot of fun, but it’s hard to be apart, you know.”
By this time, we were sitting at Bear’s kitchen table. We each had a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk in front of us.
“I bet it is hard. I mean, it’s difficult with us, and we’re always together. I can’t imagine having a long-distance relationship right now. Gosh, talk about trust!”
I sighed deeply. “Yeah, that has already been an issue for us.” And I proceeded to tell her about Damia. I appreciated how she listened without judgment, just nodding and reaching for my hand when I began to cry.
“I’m sorry, Al. I thought I was over this,” I said.
“What the hell are you apologizing for? You haven’t done anything wrong,” she insisted. “I’d do whatever was needed to save me and Bear, too. Besides, maybe Brendan is telling the truth. Maybe he didn’t sleep with her. I have a feeling things will turn out okay.”
She hugged me again, just as the back door opened and the guys came in. Brendan wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and kissed my neck while Bear walked around to give Allie a smooch.
“So, did you tell her?” he asked.
Allie shook her head. “Nope, you say anything?”
Brendan and I looked at each other, and then over to Bear and Allie. “What’s going on?” I asked.
They smiled at the same time, and Allie said, “I’m pregnant!”
“Wh…oh my…gosh!” I stammered.
Brendan un-latched his hands from around me so that we could each take turns hugging our friends.
“Hey man, that’s great. Congratulations!” he told them.
I was dying to know all the details but didn’t want to bombard Allie with questions, so I simply said, “Tell me everything!”
Allie giggled. “Well, I’m about ten weeks along. I really think it’s a girl, but he thinks it’s a boy.” She poked Bear in the ribs.
“Of course.” I nodded and rolled my eyes at Bear. He winked at me. “And names?” I asked.
“We haven’t decided on a boy name yet, but we’re thinking Celeste for a girl.”
“Well, there’s no need for a boy name ‘cause it’s gonna be a girl,” I teased.
“Damn straight!” Allie said, making all of us laugh.
We spent a few more hours together before Brendan and I headed back to my place. I was always amazed how fast time sped by when the four of us were together. Everything with them was easy and right. Brendan and I didn’t worry about having their approval or whether we were accepted; our friendship was unconditional.
Life seemed to be going well for Brendan and me. I still had two and a half weeks of winter break left, and we had some wonderful friends. Brendan had found a job. Outside of his weekly doctor visits, it felt like we were a normal couple, with a real future, and a real chance. It was going to take work, but we were going to make it.
My parents were giving us more freedom to be together. I know it wasn’t easy for them, but my mother was afraid that if they were too strict, I’d sneak around to see him anyway. At least this way, I could be honest with them most of the time.
Because Brendan didn’t have a car (and I had never gotten my driver’s license), Mom offered to take him to work most of the time. The three of us would ride together in Dad’s pick-up truck, me in the middle, listening to Janet Jackson’s newest album.
During one of these trips, I listened closely to the lyrics of her song Again. The synonymous connection between that song and my relationship with Brendan was striking. Every lyric mirrored our life together, with only one exception: Making love to you, oh it felt so good and oh so right. That was the only boundary I had not yet crossed with Brendan. But that was about to change.
After having a nice dinner with his parents at their house, Brendan and I went upstairs to his room. I sat on his bed while he turned on the stereo to our favorite station.
“You know what this reminds me of?” he asked, taking his place next to me.
“What’s that?”
“The night we got back together.”
“Do you mean my birthday last year?” I asked him. “Because that was certainly memorable.” I blushed at the memory.
The heat in my cheeks did not go unnoticed. Brendan raised one hand and rubbed his thumb across my collarbone, sending shivers down my spine.
“Yes, it was. But actually I meant the night you met Daren.” His thumb continued across my bone until it reached the center and traveled downward. “Remember?”
I felt heat rise in the bottom of my abdomen and closed my eyes. Brendan’s hand traveled up and he softly pushed my head back, replacing his fingers with his mouth. I moaned in response to his question, the only affirmation he needed.
Gently, he guided my body down and lay on top of me, our lips meeting passionately. My fingers tangled in his shaggy auburn hair as his hand traveled under my shirt to the familiar skin that belonged to only him.
He broke the kiss just long enough to whisper, “You are so soft,” and then we were at it again. Kissing. Touching. Loving. Our bodies moved together in rhythm. I was his. He was mine. We were solidifying our promise, making love in the most literal sense.
In those moments, nothing else mattered. Not my parents, not Damia, not even Brendan’s HIV status. We were lovers. I believed in him and the future that he was putting together for us. I was convinced that our love would be enough to see us through. I knew, in the logical part of my brain, that having unprotected sex with him was playing with my life. But in the heat of the moment, it didn’t make any difference.
I wanted to lay there with him forever, but reality was threatening on the other side, and we both needed to get back to it.
Over the next couple of weeks, our future seemed more and more possible. Work was going well for him; we even had a little money to go out to dinner, just the two of us. We celebrated Christmas with each family and then attended a New Year’s Eve celebration at his parent’s house. He tried to ignore that my deadline for returning to school was getting closer with each setting of the sun, but I knew there was a decision to be made.
MORE THAN ONCE I tried to muster up the courage to speak with Mom and Dad about my plan. I already knew how the conversation would go, so I went through the motions of returning to AU for the spring semester. I made it a point to say goodbye to Bear and Allie. I helped my parents buy supplies and snacks for my dorm room. I packed my bags. I even staged a public farewell with Brendan, neither of us letting on that I had no intention of staying gone.
The courage to actually tell my parents my plan evaded me until my parents and I were more than halfway back to school. We were at Pizza Hut in New Haven, Indiana to eat lunch when I took a deep breath and jumped off the proverbial cliff.
I strategically waited until Daddy was in the restroom.
“Mom,” I began. “I don’t want to go back to Anderson.”
Always the level headed one, Mom kept her composure, taking a sip of Diet Pepsi while processing.
“I see. And why is that?” she asked.
I could have lied, but what was the point? My parents were not clueless about this. I had not kept much from them when it came to my relationship with Brendan. They already knew the reason, but she wanted to hear it from me anyway.
“I don’t want to be away from Brendan.”
Dad returned to the table at that moment and heard my words. Even without knowing the question, he was able to guess the topic.
“You want to quit college?” he asked, several emotions ringing through his tone.
“No! No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’ll go to UT or Bowling Green State University.” I turned to my mother. “You always said BGSU had a good teacher program, right?”
“Yes, but…” she tried.
“Okay then, see?”
Our dialogue continued for several more minutes. I was surprised at the openness and maturity of our conversation, even with so many emotions involved. My father, who had worked so hard to see us kids go to college, who valued education because he never got one, kept his cool while we talked it out.
At the point in our debate when both sides had presented their case, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I told my parents that I would do what they wanted, no matter what. I might not be happy with their decision, but I would go along with it.
I took my time, reflecting on the promise I’d made to my parents. I suppose I could have blamed it on my desire to be a good girl, or my Christian faith. Heck, I could have even come up with some story to make them hate Brendan even more. The truth was, though, that I wanted to go back to AU. I missed the beautiful campus, the friends that I’d made, the whole college experience.
But even more, I wanted an out: a way to get away from Brendan and a reason to make it happen. More importantly for me at the time, I did not want him to know it was my decision. So I blamed it on my parents.
When I returned to the table, the decision process was over: I was expected to return to Anderson and do my best as always. Mom surprised me with a caveat, though.
“Go back for this semester. Only. And then if you feel like you still don’t want to return, we’ll support a transfer to BGSU. Sound fair?”
Tough Love Page 12
