His spot-on impression of my dad made me laugh, and I instantly forgave both of them. I was ecstatic they were already getting along so well. As important as Donny's opinion was to me, it was really my parents I needed to love Nate. I knew if he could win my dad over, the rest would be easy. And to me, it seemed that had already begun to happen.
I struggled with the fact that I hadn't completely given my heart to Nate yet. I was so accustomed to falling for someone within days of meeting him. I wanted to be sure this was what I wanted, so I came up with a plan. With my parents' permission, I went to Nate's apartment in Valparaiso for a week, living as married couples do. We were in a state of domestic bliss. By the time the week was over, I had my answer. I knew I could do this the rest of my life.
I wanted to do something fun to tell Nate I was ready to be fully committed to him, so Mom helped me come up with clues and small, meaningful gifts for a scavenger hunt to kick off a busy three-month anniversary weekend. The last clue led him to a card with a heart shaped keychain taped to the envelope.
Inside I wrote, “Okay, let's talk.”
We sat down sideways on the couch so that we were facing each other. I grabbed both his hands in mine.
“Wait, before you start, I have to know. Is this bad news?” Nate asked me.
“Bad news? No, what would make you think that?”
“’Cause every time a girl says 'we need to talk,' it is always bad news,” he informed me. “Just ask any guy in America.”
“Well not this time, so don't worry.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself a bit before I began, tears already threatening. “These last three months have been incredible, Nate, but I've been keeping something from you.”
“I thought you said this wasn't--” he started to interrupt, but I shushed him.
“It isn't, just listen.” I took another breath and started over. “These last three months have been better than I ever could have imagined. You know I have a lot of baggage I'm bringing with me into this relationship, but you aren't afraid to help me carry it. You have been open and honest from the very start, and I've been honest with you, too but I have not given you everything.” The tears began flowing, but I kept talking. If I stopped, I might not ever finish.
“The reason I gave you the heart keychain is because I'm ready to give you my whole heart. To love you as much as you love me, to keep going in our relationship without fear that you're going to hurt me. I love you, Nate.”
After a couple seconds of silence, Nate said, “Is it my turn now?”
I laughed while I nodded.
“I know you are worried you haven't given me enough these past three months, but you have. You are so generous and patient, and I love how you wear your heart on your sleeve. I feel privileged to be with you.” I closed my eyes, allowing a couple more tears to fall and blew some air out slowly through my mouth.
“Hey, look at me.” Nate rubbed my tears away with his thumbs and locked my gaze with his. “I will not hurt you, Janessa. I will never do the things to you that he did. Your heart is safe with me.”
I couldn't speak yet, so I simply nodded in understanding and leaned forward to put my head on his chest. Nate stroked my hair until my breathing grew steady and controlled.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You're welcome.” I could hear his smile through his words. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. With all my heart.”
The rest of our weekend was busy. We had an appointment Saturday to get our pictures taken and reservations for dinner that night. I'd even rented a limousine to take us to dinner and then drive around town for a bit before returning back home. We went to church with my parents Sunday morning and finally had a chance to relax that afternoon.
Nate and I were enjoying a late afternoon breeze on the swing in the backyard when I reminded him I would be getting the results from my final HIV test the next day.
“Are you nervous?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Kind of, I don't know. I mean, it's been negative all the other times so I'm guessing it is again. But I just want to be sure, you know.”
“I know, honey. I want you to be sure, too.” He kissed the top of my head.
“But don't you want to be sure? If I get bad news tomorrow, and you want to walk away, I won't blame you.”
“Janessa Ann, you look at me.” I could hear the emotion in Nate's voice, not anger, really...just finality.
“I don't care what that test says tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.”
“Are you sure?”
“You tell me,” he smirked, and then kissed me, sweet and gentle.
I rested my head on his shoulder, hardly believing the turn my life had taken. It had been only a year since my parents had made the devastating choice to kick me out of their home, since their tough love had finally caused me to see the path I was going down needed to change. In that year, I had worked hard to repair the many relationships I'd damaged, and I had all my friends back. To be blessed enough to find love on top of that was almost overwhelming.
I would have been content to sit there with Nate for hours, but he had a long drive ahead of him.
“We'd better get you packed up and on your way,” I told him.
By the time Nate got into his car and pulled away, it was late; even if he drove straight through, he wouldn't reach the apartment until one in the morning. As always, I made him promise he'd call once he arrived home.
I bolted upright at the sound of my bedside phone ringing. I grabbed the receiver quickly, hoping I'd answer it before my parents woke up. Twisting just enough to see the clock sent a wave of fear through me. Why was it already after 3:30?
I didn't bother with the customary “Hello?” but rather answered the phone with “Nate?”
“Hey.” His voice was tired. “Sorry it's so late.”
“That's okay. What's wrong?”
“I was halfway home when a deer jumped out in front of me as I was passing a semi. I’m fine, but the car’s totaled. I blew a tire, and the front end is a complete mess.”The car accident was a rude ending to a weekend in which we'd made a promise to be together. We hadn't said any vows–we weren't even engaged yet–but we knew this weekend had been both 'for better' and 'for worse'. It solidified our relationship and our commitment to see each other through, no matter what.
MOM’S TAILLIGHTS DISAPPEARED into the night as she turned out of the Wendy’s parking lot, starting the long drive back to Toledo.
I got into our car and fastened my seatbelt as Nate backed up and pulled away.
“You okay?”
“Not yet, but I will be,” I said and proceeded to tell him about my week.
“So Aimee is going to call when something happens?” he asked.
“Yes, she’ll let me know, and I am supposed to call Mom and Dad.”
“Are you glad you went?”
“Very,” I told him. “It was hard, seeing him again. Facing everything, you know. But it was something I needed to do. I have many regrets about my time with Brendan, but these three days were different. I will never be sad I made the choice to tell him goodbye.”
Nate and I got home before dark, and I called Dad right away to let him know we'd arrived safely.
“Your mom just pulled in the driveway, too. Do you want to talk with her?” he asked.
“No, that's okay,” I told him. “Just give her my love and tell her thanks again.”
“Okay, Pumpkin. Have a good night.”
“You too, Dad. Happy New Year.”
I unpacked my dirty clothes and had just started a load of laundry when Nate asked if I wanted to run to the store and grab some snacks. I told him I needed a quick shower and then I'd be ready to go.
We got home just in time to make some pizza rolls and sit down on the couch to watch the ball drop on television. It's funny; I had always wanted to be in New York City for the year 2000 to be ushered in, but when it was happening, I could not have been more content tha
n I was, just sitting there with my husband, in our home, eating junk food.
ONE EVENING IN early October, Nate and I were on the phone discussing the future. It was his senior year at Valpo, and he was ready to make plans for his accounting career. Indianapolis, just an hour south of Anderson, seemed like a good place to start. It had plenty of job opportunities for him, I could stay at AU, and we'd be close to his family. But I really wanted to get a degree in Special Education, and I couldn’t do that at AU.
“Maybe you could get a Special Ed minor somewhere else,” Nate suggested.
“That’s what I was thinking, too. In fact, I’ve already picked a place.”
“Where’s that? Ball State?”
“Nope.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Valpo.”
“Valpo? You’d come here?” he asked.
“Yes,” I was quiet before adding, “and I was thinking something else. I love you, Nate, much more than I ever thought would be possible again after, well, you know.”
I thought I could hear a smile through the phone when he replied, “I love you, too. What’s this all about?”
“Well, I just figured if I’m going to move up there, maybe we should--”
“Get married,” Nate said.
I was giddy with excitement as I realized he did not say it as a question, as if he were curious about my sanity. He said it as a statement, agreeing with me.
But we were very young and had not been together long. What if there was something we weren’t considering? Things we had not thought of? Neither of us wanted to make a quick, thoughtless decision.
We decided to each call another adult we trusted to help us make this very important choice. I called my mom and began explaining everything Nate and I had discussed. I told her how we’d been thinking he would do a job search down toward the middle part of the state, and I would finish my education at Anderson.
“But I’ve always wanted to teach special kids, you know that. It was either get the minor now, adding only a year onto my degree, or go back to school later and try to get it.”
“I see what you mean,” Mom said. “But can’t you get a minor somewhere close to AU?”
“Sure, I could, but if I’m going to change schools, don’t you think it would just make more sense to transfer to Valpo?” I asked her.
“I can tell you and Nate have thought this through. Let’s take the logic out of it for a second and talk about your relationship. Do you really think you are ready for this?”
“Yes, and I’ll tell you why. Remember the week I stayed at his house last summer? That’s when I knew. I was there in his apartment cleaning up one day while Nate was at work and I thought, ‘I can do this the rest of my life.’ And then he had the accident in July, which only made it that much more obvious.”
“So, did you call to basically get my blessing or what?”
“Sort of, but mostly to make sure we were thinking everything through.”
“I think you’ve done a good job considering everything.” She was silent for just a few seconds, and I thought I could hear her crying on the other end. “You’ve come so far in the past year, honey. I am very proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mom. That means a lot to me. I’ll call you sometime tomorrow.”
“All right, have a good night, sweetie. I love you.”
“Love you, too, Mom. Goodnight.”
I tried to call Nate, but his line was still busy. I fidgeted around the room while I waited for him to call. Finally, the phone rang.
Nate told me his uncle Bob had had several questions, most along the same lines as my mom, but others were different. He was a bit worried we hadn’t known each other long enough, but he also felt our relationship was strong, so he gave his blessing.
“What about your mom?” Nate asked. “Did she?”
“Yep, pretty much. But you still have to ask my dad, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” he sighed. “How do you think that’ll go?”
“Based on the summer you two had together, I think it’ll be just fine.”
And it was. Nate talked with Dad about it one evening when we were at my house during fall break. They were outside working on Nate’s after-the-accident-car, a late 80’s model Chevy Celebrity while Mom and I waited in the kitchen. I knew they were talking because I could see their breath in the cold evening air, but I had no idea what Nate and my dad were saying.
My heartbeat picked up speed as I watched them walk toward the house together. This was one of the moments I had pictured my whole life. I just knew it would be like something out of Hollywood-Nate would express his love for me to my dad and they would hug, maybe even shed a couple tears together. I could not wait to ask Nate what had happened, what was said. I wanted every detail.
“Well hi,” I smiled when they walked into the kitchen. “Do you fellas want some hot chocolate?”
“I’d love some,” Nate said.
“Maybe when I get back from the restroom,” Dad told us.
I put the tea kettle on and turned to Nate.
“Well?” I asked. “What did he say?”
He laughed. “Do you really want to know?”
“Well, now I’m not so sure. Why are you laughing?”
He stepped toward me and put his arms around my waist. “It’s nothing bad, just funny. I asked him if he’d give us his blessing and he said, ‘Go ask her mother.’ He cracks me up!”
Mom and I looked at each other and both rolled our eyes.
“What did you say then?” Mom wanted to know.
Nate looked at my mom. “I told him Janessa was talking to you, and that I was supposed to get his blessing, not yours. No offense.”
“None taken,” Mom smiled. “So now that it’s official, I guess we have a wedding to plan.”
“Yes, we do!” I said and hugged Nate tight.
Our engagement was very short, six weeks to be exact. Nate proposed on November 11, 1995, inside the Ceylon Covered Bridge close to his hometown. We were married December 23.
My mom had a friend selling a diamond from her first engagement ring, which we bought and had mounted in a setting. It was small but gorgeous, and my heart swelled every time I looked at it. I was able to find a tea-length wedding dress in a Lane Bryant catalog for under $100, while my veil was made by my aunt Ruthie. The boys, including Nate, all got new suits to wear in the wedding.
Leading up to the ceremony, Nate and I spent several days in and around Bryant getting every component ready. The flowers, which were done by the parents of Nate's best friend Jay, had to be picked up in Portland, Indiana. We also had to meet with the pastor, a family friend of Nate's mom, and go to the courthouse for our license. It was a busy but exciting time in our lives.
Our wedding itself was quite traditional. Each of my brothers sang a song, we lit a unity candle and used the same time-honored vows millions of couples before us had. The Poneto Baptist Church was not fancy, but it was the backdrop for our day, and we made memories that would last a lifetime.
Six months later, Nate graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Accounting from Valpo. He had accepted a job offer two months prior, which allowed us to move from his studio, basement apartment into a real one-bedroom. We stayed there for two years while I finished my education and worked part-time.
I was blessed to be hired as a special education teacher right out of college, and it wasn’t long before we bought our first house in the summer of 1999.
It felt like all of my dreams had come true.
JUST AFTER BREAKFAST on the first day of the new year—the new millennium—the phone rang. I froze, staring at Nate across the dining room table. I was afraid to answer it.
Knowing whoever it was would hang up if we didn't get to it in time, Nate jumped up and grabbed the receiver.
“Hello... just a second.” He looked at me.
“It's her,” he whispered.
I swallowed hard, held out my hand and closed my eyes.
“Hello?” I
asked.
“Ness. He's gone,” she said.
And I hung my head and cried.
EVERY MOMENT HAS the chance to change our lives. Each choice we make can shape our destinies. The decisions I made in my youth could have had devastating consequences, but our Lord had a bigger purpose for me.
And so here I sit, having celebrated almost twenty years of marriage to Nate, and the birth of our daughter nine years ago, with a story to tell--a story I use to teach other young ladies to be smart, to be careful.
I believe there is a reason for everything, especially for those experiences we have that are tumultuous. Why did I have to go through all this? To stop one–just one–young girl from making these same mistakes. In that, I shall find my purpose.
When I was a teenager in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I loved reading CD jackets. I would put the CD in the stereo, sit cross-legged on my bed and devour every word the artist had written about the people he or she wanted to thank. I always wondered if they ever forgot someone and decided if I ever got the chance to do something similar, I would put the following words in my thank you notes: Please know if your name should be written here but isn’t, blame my head and not my heart, for that is where the memories stay alive.
To the Butterfield and Swan families: Who would I be without you? You have shaped me into the woman I am today. Many of you traveled this journey with me while it was happening, but you never gave up. I am eternally grateful for your love and support.
To my teachers at Toledo Public Schools: It truly does take a village, and I’m privileged to have you as part of mine. Thank you for nurturing me during my schooling years. Mrs. Curran, thank you for taking me to lunch at Frisch’s that fateful day; I still have the necklace.
To the original members of A Writer’s Block – Tawdra, Deana, Andrea, Stacie, and Mandie: I still remember the day I stumbled upon the forum asking, “Anyone else interested in writing a book?” Thank you for the limitless ideas, tips, fixes, and criticisms throughout the years. Tough Love started with you at the end of 2008; I hope you enjoy the finished product.
Tough Love Page 19
