“ That's remarkable.”
“ You can tell Mitch I'm fine.”
“ Why don't you tell him?”
“ He won't believe me.”
“ Perhaps it's time to have a meeting with everyone together.”
“ Are you going to tell him that I don't need to come anymore?”
“ That depends.”
“ On what?”
“ On you.”
“ They could save money now that Ricky is coming.”
“ Does it bother you that Ricky is coming to see me?”
“ No. Why would it bother me?”
Danny sat back down and started to bite his nails.
“ Danny, if there is something on your mind I'd be happy to hear it. You might find this shocking, but it's actually what they pay me for.”
“ There's nothing on my mind, I'm fine now, honest,” Danny said, refusing to be amused by his witty sarcasm. He didn't like the man on principle.
“ Antonio tells me that your caseworker came for a visit.”
“ So?”
“ He said you got a little upset.”
“ She's a bitch.” Danny peeked up at him to see how Terry would respond. He liked that you could swear in counseling and nobody would say anything, but it still felt weird cursing in front of an old guy.
“ He said she had letters from your mother you didn't want to take.”
“ She's got nothing to say that I want to hear or read.”
“ It might be important for her to let you know how she's feeling. You might want to do the same and send her a letter back, even if it's to tell her why you don't want contact with her.”
“ Doesn't that defeat the purpose?”
Terry hooted. He had a big, boisterous laugh that Danny, at first, was unnerved by. Now he was used to it, but he still didn't like being laughed at.
Danny crossed his arms in protest. “What?” he snarled.
“ You can make an art out of avoiding topics you don't want to talk about.”
If his therapist had asked him directly if he was bothered by the attention Ricky was getting, he would have denied it. He liked Ricky. Who wouldn't? He was polite, generous, helpful, even tempered, and easy to get along with. He wasn't envious of the time Antonio and Mitch were spending with him; not really. After all, Ricky was a really nice guy who was going through a really hard time. But, if TJ mentioned one more time how attractive Ricky was, or how lucky they were that he was staying with them, Danny was going to... Well, he didn't know what he could do other than suck it up like he's been doing. And, he was definitely not jealous. Ricky and TJ were closer in age; it only made sense that they would get along so well.
*****
Ricky found Danny sitting gingerly on the couch in the living room. His eyes were puffy and red, and he was staring blankly at the flat screen TV. It was the third time that summer Ricky heard what sounded like Danny receiving corporal punishment. It wasn't a particularly bad one, but it still tugged at Ricky's heart to hear him being punished.
“ Do you mind if I watch with you?”
Danny shrugged and admitted, “I wasn't really watching.”
“ Then, do you mind if we talk?”
Danny gave another slight shrug indicating he didn't care.
“ Can I sit here?” Ricky asked, pointing to the spot next to Danny.
Danny shifted his body making room for Ricky on the small couch.
“ Thanks. You know, nobody ever really told me your story.”
“ What story?”
“ Why you are living here, and not with your parents?”
Danny shrugged. He really did like Ricky, before when he was just his friend. Now that he has moved into his home he knew less about Ricky than the rest of them.
“ I don't mean to pry. I had thought Mitch was your father or an uncle. Then TJ told me you're like a brother to him, even though you're not blood family.”
"I'm just staying here for a while,” Danny said without elaborating.
Ricky nodded and said, “We have a lot in common.”
“ Why did you stay with your boyfriend if he was beating you?” Danny blurted out the question that been on his mind.
Ricky considered what he should say. If he wanted Danny to open up to him, it was only fair to do the same. After a long pause, he finally said, “It's hard to explain. He told me he loved me. I thought what we had was special. I started to blame myself, and promised to try harder not to make him mad. Later, he would apologize to me for losing his temper, and promise never to do it again. I wanted to believe him. I thought we could work it out. Once he started hitting me more regularly, I was afraid to leave.”
“ Mitch and Antonio hit me, even TJ does." Danny needed to sort things out in his own mind, and he didn't want Ricky liking them as much as he did.
“ Even TJ?”
“ Sometimes,” Danny backpedaled, regretting that he was making it sound worse than it actually was.
“ That sounds rough.”
“ I never get an apology," Danny said, playing on his sympathy. "They make it seem like it's my fault and make me apologize. They practically promise they will do it again. Like they're just waiting for me to mess up.”
“ I know. Mitch explained to me that they spank you.”
“ Oh.” Danny was deflated as well as embarrassed.
“ He says it's for your own good.”
“ They think I'm a child. They treat me like I'm four years old.”
“ They look out for you. They don't want to see you get hurt.”
“ Trust me, it hurts.”
“ I bet it does. I've heard some of your spankings. I certainly wouldn't want one.”
“ You have?” Danny's voice went high and he immediately flushed.
“ Yeah, I have. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, the walls are kinda' thin.”
“ You must think I'm a wuss for allowing them to sp...punish me like that.”
“ No, I think you're brave.”
“ You do?”
“ You let Mitch and Antonio punish you because they care about you. I can see it in their eyes, and the way they talk about you. It was different for Brendan and me. He hit because he was angry at the world. He wanted to control everything, he wanted to control me.”
“ Mitch is controlling. He expects me to do everything he says.”
“ Mitch wants what's best for you, just like Antonio and TJ.”
“ You sound like Antonio," Danny scoffed. "How's it any different from what Brendan did?”
“ Brendan didn't love me, or at least he loved himself more. Sometimes I think he even enjoyed hurting me. He liked to see me suffer when he was really upset.”
Danny thought about that. “I guess that make sense. I can tell Antonio doesn't like to, you know, punish me. But Mitch says if I earn it, he doesn't mind handing out the consequences.”
“ I suspect you'll just have to trust their motives. I think their intentions are good if they spank you out of concern.”
Danny blushed again and asked, “Did you love him?”
“ I thought I did. Once I realized I was in danger, I knew it couldn't be love.”
Feeling disarmed by Ricky’s honesty, Danny began to open up more. “Some people can be dangerous when they're in love. People hurt people they love all the time.”
“ Has anyone you loved ever hurt you?”
After a long silent pause, Danny finally said, “I guess.”
&n
bsp; “ Do you worry that someone here would ever hurt you?”
“ You mean like you? Where I'd have to go to the doctor's?”
“ Something like that.”
“ No.” Danny looked over at Ricky's injured hand and admitted, “The spankings don't hurt that bad. I mean after a day or two, I can hardly feel anything at all. TJ says if a warm bottom for a few days keeps me from doing something I'll regret for the rest of my life, then it's worth it. And, Mitch and Antonio say they will continue to spank me even if I hate them for it as long as it keeps me safe.”
“ It must be nice in a way, to know that you're cared about as much as you are.”
“ I guess.”
Ricky smiled at Danny. Then he confessed, “I wasn't spanked as a child. My father never hit me. He barely even touched me. My family was – is rather reserved. I don't see much of them anymore. I wish I could say I miss them. But I can't honestly say that I do.”
Danny was caught off guard by Ricky's straightforwardness. Before he realized it, he was sharing secrets of his own. “I never told anybody, but my father lives here in New York. I kept it to myself because I didn't want Mitch to try and find him. I haven't seen him since I was twelve.”
“ Does he live close by?”
“ I have no idea where he lives anymore. We had a home in the suburbs, then he wanted to move closer to Wall Street.”
“ Why don't you see him?”
“ My parents divorced when I was eight. My mother was already a heavy drinker by then, and my father was having a lot of affairs. He never thought she was good enough for him. I think he felt the same way about me. When he left her for his new trophy wife, my mother moved us to Florida. He needed someone who could fit in better with his corporate image, and she needed someone who wasn't going to nag her about her drinking.”
“ Didn't he want to spend time with you?”
“ He took me a few times for visits. Whenever he wanted to appear like a respectable family man he'd drag me, and his flawless wife, to dinners with clients who were seeking the family man image. He also took us to corporate picnics to pretend we were a family for a day - that sorta thing. His new wife didn't want to have kids. She thought they were messy and distracted from her ' me time' . She was mostly afraid she'd lose her figure. I hated her and my father.”
“ Why did he stop seeing you?”
“ He soon realized I wasn't going to help him in his family man act. I wanted him to stop making me go to those bogus events. The last time he took me to a work picnic, I refused to play the ridiculous father and son relay games with him. He called me worthless, and I called him an asshole. He lost it and began hitting me right in front of all his corporate friends.”
Danny laughed sardonically. “Needless to say, he didn't leave a good impression. I never saw him again after that.”
“ That's it? He stopped visiting you altogether?”
“ He called a couple of times to argue with my mother about child support. He kept hoping she'd marry Stan so he wouldn't have to pay alimony anymore. But I didn't want to talk to him, and eventually he stopped asking to speak to me.”
Ricky stared at Danny in disbelief. “Wow, he does sound like an asshole.”
“ He is.”
“ My father has never called me worthless, but sometimes I get the impression he doesn't think too much of me. He expects me to call him, but he never calls me. We never talked about Brendan or any of my boyfriends. I think, in his mind, if he didn't have to talk about me being gay, and no one mentioned it, then that part of my life didn't exist. I have a brother and a sister. One's a corporate business administrator. The other's on the way to being a corporate lawyer. My parents thought me being a musician was a waste of time. At least that was something they had in common with Brendan.”
“ They're idiots. I never even liked classical music until I heard you play. Antonio says it's an honor to get accepted into Juilliard, and that you must be very talented. You should go there and finish your education.”
“ You think so?”
“ Antonio thinks talent like yours is a gift, and shouldn't be wasted.”
“ Antonio is kind.”
“ He's also really smart.”
“ So are you.”
Danny appreciated the way Ricky was talking to him like he was an adult, whose opinions mattered.
*****
Although Ricky's days were filled with the company of lively men who had awoken his soul to possibility and his heart to laughter, his evenings inevitably led to slow, lonely nights. Helpless to stop the melancholy from invading the quiet of his evening, Ricky stayed awake listening to the rustling of Danny tossing in his bed. Sleeping so close to his room, he soon realized that restless nights were common for his younger friend, as well. He wanted to go in and check on him, but wasn't sure if he would be welcomed.
Danny gave up trying to sleep shortly before the break of dawn broke. Ricky could hear him get out of bed, and decided to follow him downstairs. Fumbling through the dark he contemplated calling out to him or turning on a light. Afraid to startle him, Ricky's intuition told him it was best not to interrupt his thoughts. He found Danny sitting in the office behind the large mahogany desk with the soft glow from the desk lamp casting long, sad shadows in front of him. Mitch's deluxe-sized leather chair appeared to swallow him up.
“ Can't sleep?”
Danny bolted upright, dropping the sealed envelope he was fiddling with. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was only Ricky.
“ I don't sleep much,” he explained.
“ What are those?” Ricky asked, pointing to the stack of letters on the table next to him.
“ Letters from my mom. Antonio kept them hidden in this drawer. I knew I'd find them somewhere.”
“ Are you going to open them?”
Danny made a definitive decision. “No, I'm not going to open them.”
“ Are you sure?”
“ I'm sure. I don't need to open a letter to know what's in it.”
“ What are you going to do with all of them?”
“ I want to burn them.”
“ Shouldn't you wait to see what Antonio or Mitch have to say?”
“ They're my letters,” Danny answered defensively. “I don't want to tell them. They think I'll change my mind and want to read them when I'm older.”
“ They're usually quite wise about things.”
“ Not about this. I don't care if she's my mother, I can't trust a word she says. You can't have a relationship with someone like that. It fucks with your head.”
Danny began to frantically open drawers. Ricky switched on the ceiling light and offered to help him search for his missing item.
“ What are you looking for?”
“ Fucking health freaks! I can't find a lighter any place!”
“ There’s matches by the fireplace in the family room,” Ricky offered, hoping to quell his rising temper.
Danny stared up at him. “I didn't think of that. We haven't used the fireplace since March.”
“ I'll help you get it started.”
As a warm fire smoldered, Danny and Ricky sat on the floor together shifting through envelopes. They took turns throwing the letters in the fire one at a time.
“ This is the last one,” Ricky said, handing it to Danny. Danny reached for the letter and stopped.
“ Thanks,” he said, noticing for the first time how the fire dancing off Ricky's soft brown eyes made them glisten. Danny bit his bottom lip with thoughts of kissing Ricky. He nudged a little closer to take the letter.
&nbs
p; Ricky met his probing eyes and thought, maybe in a few years .
“ Anytime, kid.”
Danny nodded his disappointment, and threw the last letter into the fire. They sat quietly listening to the crackling sounds of the fire. Danny's tired eyes eventually turned red from staring too long at the flames. When they began to water, Ricky put his arm around his shoulder. Danny didn't have the resolve to pull away.
“ What did she do to you that was so bad?” Ricky finally asked, breaking the silence between them.
Danny yawned self-consciously and shrugged.
Ricky gave Danny’s shoulders an encouraging tug. “Surely you've given it more thought then that,” he teased.
Danny sighed and said, “She didn't care enough to keep me safe.”
“ Safe from what?”
“ Her rage, her boyfriends, anything that got in the way of her drinking.”
“ If you want talk about it, I'm willing to listen.”
“ I already don't sleep well, and when I think about it I get nightmares.”
“ Is there anything that helps?”
“ TJ used to sleep with me, but he's not allowed to anymore.”
Danny reached up and touched the tear that clutched the corner of Ricky's eye. Ricky removed Danny's hand from his face, and brought it to his lips. “Come here,” he said, standing up, after kissing the back of Danny's hand.
He walked them to the loveseat, pulling Danny in with him as he sat against the arm of the comfortably oversized chair. Danny curled up beside him with his head resting on Ricky's lap. He soon fell asleep to Ricky combing a soothing hand through his hair. Ricky marveled at how young and irresistibly sweet Danny seemed while he placed his precious little sleep in his hands.
*****
Ricky felt privileged to be even a small part of the lives of these men. He was never as happy as when he was with Antonio. He was content to be anywhere with him. Just going to the store was an enjoyable adventure. Ricky made usually mundane activities pleasurable for Antonio, too. He looked forward to their time alone together. They both could appreciate the simple things in life, and Ricky's contagious smile would creep into small moments catching Antonio completely off guard.
Bringing Home Danny Page 26
