by JM Darhower
* * * *
It was early evening when Carmine pulled into a parking lot across from the dingy brick apartment building in the city. The old elevator vibrated as it took them to the sixth floor, and they headed down a narrow hallway to apartment sixty-seven.
Carmine reached up to knock, but the door was pulled open before he could. Dia stood before them, wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a blue top, her hair a mixture of black and purple streaks. “Happy birthday!”
She ushered them inside, and Haven froze the moment she stepped foot into the front room. The walls were a cream color, the paint barely visible due to the hundreds of photographs wallpapering every inch. The apartment was decorated in vibrant colors, so bright that the large bunch of birthday balloons almost blended in. There were presents with them and a small, round birthday cake.
Gratitude and guilt battled for control. “You shouldn’t have.”
“Don’t be a buzz-kill,” Dia said, pulling her over to the table. Haven sat down as Carmine leaned against the wall and gazed at her.
Dia stuck candles into the cake and lit them, stepping off to the side to belt out the birthday song. Haven stared at the flickering flames for a moment, remembering to make a wish this time.
Please, she silently pleaded. Bring my mama back to me.
Taking a deep breath, Haven blew out the candles and watched the puffs of smoke rise from the smoldering wicks. Dia pulled them out before thrusting a present at her, making her flinch.
“Sorry,” Dia said quickly. “Didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m just excited for you to see it.”
Haven opened the package and pulled out a small copper box with a glass window on the top of it. Inside the window was a four-leaf clover, along with red hearts and shiny silver beading.
“It’s a reliquary box,” Dia said. “You’re supposed to store your favorite things in it.”
She smiled. “I don’t think Carmine will fit.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so, either,” Carmine said, chuckling. “Not even my dick would fit in that thing.”
There were more presents to open, and afterward they ate the cake. The three of them watched movies and listened to music all night, the evening feeling more like a regular day than a celebration. Haven felt ridiculous for her anxiety over it all, grateful to be able to relax with friends.
Friends. It was still so surreal to her that she had people in her life that she could call friends.
“So, have the two of you thought about what you’re doing next year?” Dia asked eventually. “I’m guessing you’re not going to be staying in Durante much longer.”
Haven glanced at Carmine, who just shrugged. “We haven’t decided. We talked about California or maybe New York, but it doesn’t matter to me. If she married me, I’d follow her to the gates of Hell.”
Dia had been taking a drink but choked on it, spraying soda all over herself. Coughing, she threw her hands into the air. “I can’t believe I just heard that.”
Carmine’s brow furrowed. “What?”
“You talking about marriage.”
“Whatever. I never thought I’d do the shit, either. I’m just glad she agreed. With my luck, I thought she’d laugh in my face.”
“Excuse me? Did you just say she agreed?”
“Yes.”
“You proposed?” Dia jumped up and grabbed Haven’s hand. “Where’s the ring?”
Carmine groaned. “I didn’t have one.”
“Did you at least get down on one knee?” she asked. Carmine shook his head, and she smacked him on the arm. “What kind of freaking proposal was that?”
“It wasn’t a real one,” he said. “I just asked if she’d marry me someday.”
“That’s even worse!” Dia reached out to hit him again, but he was prepared that time and dodged the blow.
“Shit, stop hitting me. It’s not like I planned it. It just came out.”
She shook her head. “All the planning you put into Valentine’s Day, and you completely blow the proposal.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but Haven chimed in before he could. “He didn’t blow it. I don’t need any of that stuff.”
Carmine smirked. “See, Warhol? I didn’t fuck up.”
“You still could’ve gotten down on one knee.”
Carmine chuckled. “Well, I may have gotten between her knees, if you know what I mean.”
Rolling her eyes, Dia sat back down. “So you banged. I’m sure that was romantic.”
“We didn’t bang,” Carmine said. “We made love.”
Dia seemed strangely satisfied about that.
* * * *
It was after midnight when Carmine and Haven retired to the guest bedroom. Haven snuggled against his chest, and he gently rubbed her back as her hand slid under his shirt. Her fingers ran over the ridges of his abs before drifting toward his scar.
All was quiet for a while before Carmine spoke. “I wish I could read your mind, so I knew what to say to make everything better.”
She stilled her hand. “You always know what to say.”
“If that was true, you wouldn’t sneak out of bed every night,” he said. Haven sat up to give him some room as he propped himself up on his elbows to look at her. “Yeah, I know you spend most of your time sitting in the library again, but what I don’t know is why you won’t talk to me about it. Why you hide it from me.”
Her guilt skyrocketed. She averted her gaze and lay back down. Rolling away from him, she squeezed her eyes shut and wished the outside world would once again disappear. She wanted that feeling from this morning back. The one where she wasn’t empty. The one where she was alive.
The bed shifted. Haven held her breath, waiting for him to get up and walk away. Her stomach churned at the mere thought of him leaving her—he swore he wouldn’t, but she waited for the day he changed his mind.
He didn’t, though. At least not this time. Carmine moved closer, slipping his arms around her and drifting off to sleep.
* * * *
Carmine’s presence was scarce the next two weeks, even more so than before. He slipped out of the house for school while Haven was still asleep in the mornings and didn’t get home from football practice until dinnertime. After they ate, the two of them would head upstairs, where Carmine quietly did his homework before going to bed.
They didn’t even sleep in the same room most nights.
Haven’s shame grew as the days passed, and Carmine’s demeanor shifted along with hers. Falling back into old patterns, he’d lose his temper and lash out without thinking.
Haven brushed it off, despite the fact that his words often hurt.
It was Friday morning, and Haven couldn’t sleep. She was standing in the kitchen as dawn broke, pouring some orange juice when Carmine strolled in. Wordlessly, she held a glass out to him. He took a sip. “Are you coming to my game tonight? Dia said she’d be there, so you wouldn’t have to be alone.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Your game?”
“Yeah, my first game is tonight,” he said. “If you don’t wanna come, it’s fine. I was just asking.”
“Of course I want to come. I just didn’t know about it.”
He finished his orange juice and set the glass in the sink. “It starts at seven. I’ll meet you by the locker room afterward.”
She smiled and told him she’d see him there.
Seven o’clock neared, and Haven’s palms were sweaty when she climbed behind the driver’s seat of Dominic’s car. She drove through town slowly, clutching the steering wheel as she tried to keep herself under control. It was for Carmine, she told herself. No amount of people would get in her way of supporting him.
She reached the school and looked around. The noise from the stadium could be heard from the parking lot, the announcer on the loudspeaker screeching above them all. She was just standing there, trying to gather the courage to make her feet move, when someone grabbed her shoulder. Her heart pounded furiously as she swung around.
“Whoa,” Nicholas said. “It’s just me.”
She grabbed her chest. “I’m supposed to be relieved it’s you?”
“Aw, I’m hurt.”
She shook her head. He didn’t seem hurt at all. He sounded amused. “What do you want?”
“Do I have to want something? I figured I’d walk you inside.”
“If you’re hoping to hurt Carmine by having him see us together, you can just leave.”
“Well, honestly, that hadn’t even crossed my mind, but now that you mention it…”
“Goodbye, Nicholas,” she said, her frustration enough to make her legs finally carry her toward the stadium. She hadn’t made it but a few feet away when she froze, seeing a group of girls blocking the entrance. Lisa stood in the center of them, Kayla to her left as another stood to her right. There was no way Haven could go inside without walking past them.
“I saw them standing there, so I thought you might like an escort by the firing squad,” Nicholas said, walking up behind her. “But if you’d rather go alone—”
“No.”
Sighing, he pressed his hand against her back. “Come on, then.”
She started walking again, staring down at the ground, and heard laughter as they approached the stadium.
“Picking up Carmine’s leftovers?” Lisa asked. “I didn’t realize you were that desperate.”
Nicholas shook his head. “Do you even hear yourself? You used to be his main course, Lisa, and now look at you. If I were desperate, I’d be over there instead.”
He pulled Haven toward the ticket booth and paid for his ticket before turning to her. She just stood there, suddenly frantic. In her panic, she hadn’t even considered the fact that she’d need money. “I, uh… I didn’t think…”
His brow furrowed as he reached for his wallet again. Tossing a few dollars at the lady working, he grabbed a second ticket and handed it to her. She tried to object, not wanting him to pay for her, but she had no other way to get in the game.
He led her to the bleachers, his walk more of a strut as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his cargo pants. His shoulders were slumped, his dingy ball cap concealing his gaze from her.
Haven scanned the crowd, spotting Dia in a center section.
“Thank you, Nicholas,” she said. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said. “Have fun.”
He slipped away as she headed up the bleachers. Her nervousness waned as she took a seat beside Dia, who eyed her curiously. “I didn’t know you and Nicholas hung out.”
“We don’t,” Haven said. “He’s nice to me, though. There were some girls out there, so he walked me in.”
Dia frowned. “Oh, crud. They didn’t even cross my mind. I should’ve waited for you.”
“It’s okay. I should get used to doing things on my own.”
“You won’t be on your own,” she said. “Carmine will be around.”
Haven smiled sadly as she glanced down at the field. She spotted Carmine on the sidelines and waved, but he just stared at her expressionless. The coach called his name, drawing his attention away, and he headed onto the field without another glance in her direction.
Haven watched the game in awe. The spectators were as rowdy as she remembered from the year before, but this time she was at ease in the crowd. Her skin felt like it was buzzing by the time the game came to a close, and Carmine ran straight for the locker rooms as the crowd descended upon the field.
Haven and Dia headed over to the grassy area to wait. She stood near the chain-linked fence as Dia strolled away with her camera to take pictures. A throat cleared after a second, and she turned as Nicholas leaned against the fence beside her. “I know, I know—me again. I'll leave you alone, but I forgot to tell you a joke.”
Haven smiled. Truthfully, Nicholas didn’t bother her. She didn’t understand his interest in her, but he wasn’t a nuisance like he seemed to think himself to be. “Well, go ahead then.”
“Did you hear—?”
Before he could finish his sentence, Carmine’s voice rang out, yelling Nicholas’s name as he hastily approached. A chill shot down Haven’s spine as her stomach dropped when she saw his hands were clenched into fists.
Nicholas held up his hands, taking a step away from the fence. “I don’t want any trouble.”
Carmine laughed bitterly, shoving him. “If you didn’t want any trouble, you wouldn’t be here.”
“I was just talking to her.”
“And what right do you have to do that, huh? What right do you have to involve yourself? Stop trying to use her to get to me!”
Nicholas glared at him. “Me, use her? If anyone’s using her, it’s you! It’s sick what you’re doing to the girl! You have her fooled into believing you actually care!”
Carmine drew back his fist and connected with Nicholas’s jaw. His head snapped to the side from the blow, blood running from his mouth as his teeth pierced his lip. He wiped it away, stunned, as Carmine started shouting. “Stay the fuck away! She’s mine, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let you take her from me!”
“You possessive bastard!” Nicholas said. “If you really loved her, you wouldn’t say things like that!”
That set Carmine off. Pouncing, he knocked Nicholas to the ground. Haven clutched onto the fence to keep herself upright and shouted for help, a group running over at the sound of the commotion. Some of Carmine’s teammates hauled them off the ground, separating the two of them.
Dia ran over, forcing her way through the group as she frantically looked around. “What happened?”
Carmine ignored the question as he turned to glare at Haven. “Out of everybody, why the hell does it have to be him? Are you trying to hurt me? Is that what this shit is about?”
She blinked a few times, stunned by his anger. “What?”
“You heard what I said. You distance yourself from me and barely speak, so I give you space, thinking that’s what you want. And I get it, Haven. I fucking get it. You’re hurting. But you can talk to him? You can smile at him? Is it just me?”
His words stung. “No, I love you!”
“Do you?” he asked. “If you don’t want to be with me, just tell me.”
“I do!”
“Well, you have a fucking funny way of showing it,” he spat. “I’ve changed my whole life for you. I’d kill for you. Fuck, I’d die for you! Just tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?” he asked with disbelief. “You just don’t get it, do you? You don’t know what I’ve given up for you. You don’t know what I’ve lost because of you!”
Those words hit her hard, pain ripping through her as she gasped. Everything clouded over, and her hand shot out, striking him in the face. The sudden sting in her palm forced the reality of what she’d done through her as every ounce of anger melted from Carmine’s expression.
He cupped his cheek, almost as if it was in slow motion. She covered her mouth as he took a step forward, the movement setting her off. Turning, she ran for the exit as Carmine shouted her name, but she couldn’t stop. She needed to get out of there to think, needed away from him so she could make sense of what happened.
She’d hit him. Him. She felt like she was going to be sick.
Shoving past people, she hurried out of the stadium. She fumbled in her pocket for the keys and climbed inside, starting the car. A horn blared as she nearly backed into another car, and she slammed the brakes to let them pass, her hands violently shaking. Tears obstructed her vision as she pulled out onto the road and sped through town.
She drove toward the house but knew she couldn’t go there. She was too scared to stop. Too scared to face it. Too scared to lose him. She passed the driveway, continuing down the highway in the dark.
It took a few minutes for it to dawn on her where the road led, her shame reaching an all-time high when she drove past the “Welcome to Aurora
Lake” sign.
Haven pulled into the small grassy lot and sat there in silence for a moment, struggling to breathe. She felt like she’d been sucked up in a twister, the world spinning as her body shook. She climbed out of the car, thinking she was going to be sick, and took the fresh air in her lungs as she stumbled toward the lake. The houses were all dark, the beach vacant.
Haven ended up at the dock after a few minutes and walked down it, glancing out onto the lake. Her adrenaline was on overdrive when she reached the edge. Moonlight reflected off of the dark water, and she stared into the blackness, soothed by it.
Casual footsteps approached eventually. “Please don’t jump. I really don’t want to have to go in after you. It’s dark, and it’s probably cold.”
She smiled at Nicholas’s nonchalance. “I’m not going to jump.”
“Good,” he said, standing beside her. His lip was busted, bruises already forming on his tanned skin.
“I’m sorry he hit you for talking to me.”
He waved her off. “Don’t apologize for him.”
She said nothing, continuing to stare out at the water, and Nicholas sighed. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“I shouldn’t have come.”
“But you did.”
“I did.” She was quiet for a moment, debating what to say. “It was my birthday last week.”
“Really? Well, happy birthday.”
She smiled sadly before saying the words she’d longed to say for days, ones she swallowed back whenever Carmine was near. “There’s nothing happy about the day I was born.”
Chapter 44
Carmine stood in the vacant driveway, staring at the darkened house. He assumed Haven would go straight home, because there was nowhere else he could think of she’d feel comfortable alone, but he’d clearly been wrong.
