I felt a wave of relief at his suggestion. I loved being in Ford's ropes, but the emotional upheaval was intense. I wasn't ready to try it again just yet, but having Ford hold me again tonight sounded like just what my frazzled mind needed. I refused to acknowledge how needy and pathetic that made me feel. I ignored the little voice that told me to run like hell. I promised Andy that I would try, damn it.
"We can still have sex, can't we?" I asked in a quiet hopeful voice. I needed him tonight. I needed to feel connected to him to try to get past this lost bereft feeling I was having without him today, even if that need made me feel fragile.
"I said I wouldn't put you in my ropes, Jen," he growled out. "I never said I wouldn't fuck you." He sounded so damn hot. It made my heart start to race.
"What if I want to fuck you?" I asked him challengingly.
"Jen," His voice dropped to that same sexy and commanding tone he used last night. "I don't need ropes to dominate you." I suddenly felt like I might melt into a puddle on the floor.
"Ford," I whimpered out loud without realizing it. I never considered myself a submissive woman in bed, but Ford just seemed to bring that out in me. Of course, that didn't mean I still wouldn't make him work for it.
"Don't worry, honey," he rumbled out with confidence. "I'll give you everything you need." I had the sudden impression that he might be talking about more than just sex. Fluttery butterflies of terror and joy burst to life inside me, and I tried my damnedest to ignore the fear as my heart pounded inside me.
"Okay," I said softly as I clutched at my chest, trying to calm down.
"I'll pick you up at eight-thirty, honey."
"Alright."
"And wear those tight jeans again," he rasped out in a sexy demanding tone. "I never got to peel them off of you like I wanted to last night."
"Yes, sir," I replied automatically, and I shivered as I heard his answering low growl of approval.
"See you soon, Jen." His voice was husky and deep, and unbelievably sexy.
"Bye," I whispered then ended the call with a deep shuddering breath.
I couldn't wait to see him again, and I could feel an idiotic grin spreading across my face. I went into my closet to pick out a top to wear with my skinny jeans. I was still grinning when a knock on my door startled me. I headed down the steps and opened the door to find Tori smiling as she immediately pushed her way past me.
"Have I got plans for us tonight, girl," she said excitedly. She was already half-way up the stairs, before I comprehended what she was saying. I followed her up to my living room. She was scrolling through something on her phone.
"Tori..."
"I got us an invite to this new club opening tonight," she interrupted without even looking up at me. "It's supposed to me fucking amazing. We'll have to head out early so we can snag a table. There're going to be hot guys ripe for the pickings all over the place tonight."
"Tori," I said her name more forcefully this time. She finally looked up from her phone to meet my eyes. "I can't go with you. I'm seeing Ford."
Her eyes suddenly looked hurt for a moment before turning hard and glittering with anger. "Really?" she asked bitingly. "You're going to pick this asshole you just met over me again?"
"Tori," I said pleadingly. "I'm not picking him over you. I can't go out hooking up with random guys anymore. Ford and I are t...together now." I stuttered over the word "together". It was the truth though, Ford and I really were together, even if saying it freaked me the hell out.
"Please," she said dismissively. "You really think you can trust this guy? You know he'll be gone as soon as something better comes along."
"Ford's not like that," I said defensively, even though her words struck a nerve down deep inside me.
"Yeah, right," she scoffed. "Guys don't date girls like us. We're just the fill-ins until they decide to settle down with a girl who's actual girlfriend material." Her voice softened as she put a hand on my shoulder. "So do yourself a favor and end it now, before he fucks you over like they all do."
"I...I..." I felt tears threaten to start falling. Was she right? Was I deluding myself again? Was Ford just using me until he found someone better? I suddenly felt sick. The thought of Ford with another woman made pain burst to life inside me.
"You know I'm right," Tori said softly as she rubbed a soothing circle on my back. I thought about Ford, and the way he looked at me and took care of me. I didn't want to believe that he didn't care, couldn't believe it. He hadn't done a single thing to make me doubt him, and I didn't want to start now.
"No," I blurted out. "I'm sorry, but I'm seeing this through, Tori. I have to take this chance. I have to."
Hurt clouded her blue eyes as she jerked her hand away. "How can you be so selfish, Jenny? We've been best friends since college, and you drop me for this dick that's just going to use you and hurt you?"
"Tori," I implored as guilt swamped me. "I'm not dropping you. I swear. I just really like Ford."
"Whatever," she said dismissively. She started to leave.
"Tori, wait." I wrung my hands guiltily.
"Do what you've got to do," she said disgustedly as she shook her head. "Just don't come crying to me when he fucks you over. He will, you know. It's just a matter of time until you come crawling to me with a broken heart. You'll see." She walked away without another word. I heard my door slam as she left a moment later.
"Why can't you just be happy for me?" I asked the empty room dejectedly. Then I went to my couch to curl up in a ball and cry for what felt like the hundredth time today, feeling alone and guilty as hell.
**********
Ford wasn't kidding when he said he was taking me to a dive bar. The place was literally called The Hole in the Wall, and it was tucked into the corner of an old brick building downtown. We walked through the front door into a crowd of people filling up the dim narrow room next to a long bar on our left. There was a mirror behind it, as if anything could make the place feel any bigger with the mass of people crowded inside. The ceiling was covered in what looked like the original tin ceiling tiles and several old chandeliers that didn't match. Everything, including the walls looked old and dingy, and I knew this wasn't a place you'd want to see in the full light of the day.
One of the bartenders immediately called out Ford's name. He was the same height as Ford, but he was even bigger, with massive tattooed arms bulging out of his black T-shirt. He looked to be in his early thirties. His short dark hair was buzzed short on the sides, and he was sporting a thick beard and mustache. Ford moved us toward the bar, his hand on the small of my back in a possessive manner that I liked.
"Justin!" Ford replied over the loud background noise as he shook the guy's hand across the beat-up bar top. "Good to see ya, man!" I didn't think it was possible for someone to dwarf Ford, but damn, the guy's upper body was enormous.
"You, too!" Justin's dark eyes glanced over at me and lit up with interest.
"Justin, I'd like you meet Jenny!" Ford glanced at me and leaned close so I could hear him better. "Jen, this is my friend Justin. He owns this place."
"It's nice to meet you!" I smiled brightly at Justin. He was the first friend of Ford's I ever met.
"You too!" He glanced down at Ford's hand on my back then his brows shot up in surprise. He gave Ford a perplexed look that I didn't understand. Ford pulled his hand away, shrugged, and looked a little sheepish, which turned Justin's smile into a wry one. "What would you like to drink?!" Justin asked as he turned his attention back to me.
"Uh..." I glanced behind the bar, noticing a large chalk board on the wall that listed the beers available. I chose one of the ales from a brewery I'd never heard of, and Ford ordered a dark beer. Justin nodded and turned to get them.
"What was that about?!" I asked Ford curiously.
"Hell, if I know," Ford answered evasively as he started surveying the room over my head. I frowned at his vague answer, suddenly feeling a little annoyed with him. "There she is," he announced as his ga
ze focused farther into the room. She? I glanced in the direction he was looking in, but I was too short to see anything through the press of bodies. Justin came back and slid two beer bottles across the bar to Ford, who grabbed them and handed one to me. He nodded to Justin in thanks before taking my hand. "Come on!" he said as he pulled me along through the throng behind him.
Once we were past the bar, the room opened up a little. I could see to my left that there was a small raised stage where a group of musicians were setting up to play. Ford led us straight to the side of the stage, toward a beautiful striking woman who had long deep purple hair with blue highlights. It cascaded in perfect soft curls around her flawless oval face. I'd never seen anyone able to pull off crazy hair color like this woman did. She was dressed in jeans and a white lacy tank top that fell loosely from her shoulders on thin spaghetti straps. It set off her hair and showed off her colorful full-sleeve tattoos. Her dark eyes lit up when she spied Ford coming toward her, and a wide smile spread across her face.
Ford walked right up to her and wrapped her up in a big hug. A scary surge of bitter jealousy hit me out of no where. I'd never felt anything like it before. I ground my teeth together as I took a step backward. Who the hell is this bitch? Ford was mine. Or was he? He was being awfully affectionate and familiar with this woman. I didn't like it at all.
He let her go and turned back to me, smiling widely. He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to them. Angel's brows rose in an astonished look that was very similar to Justin's earlier.
"Angel, this is Jenny," he began as he squeezed my hand. "Jenny, this is my good friend Angel. She's one of my tattoo artists at the shop."
"Hi," I said tightly, trying to be polite, even though I felt like being a bitch and marking my territory.
"It's so good to meet you," Angel answered with a warm smile as she reached a hand out toward me. I eyed her closely as I shook her hand, looking for some sign that something was going on between Ford and her. Her smile seemed sincere, and her grip was firm and friendly. I glanced at Ford to see his smile was just as sincere. Okay, maybe I was acting a little psycho here, but this was all so new. I didn't know what the hell I was doing in this relationship that we hadn't even defined yet.
Just then another woman approached us with a smile. She was tall and willowy with long black hair and thickly cut bangs. Her cheekbones were high on her heart-shaped face, her blue eyes bright and eye catching. She was dressed in skin tight red plaid trousers, and a black tank paired with black stiletto pumps. A gorgeous floral tattoo wound around her right upper arm. She walked right up to Angel and wrapped her arm around the shorter woman's waist. Angel smiled widely up at the newcomer, who gave her a soft smile and a gentle kiss to her lips.
I let out a sigh of relief, the jealousy of a moment ago was suddenly just gone. There was no mistaking the love between these two women. Neither were a threat. Thank God. That sick jealous feeling was unpleasant and unexpected, and I didn't want to feel it again.
"Who's this?" the new girl asked as she eyed me up and down with appreciation.
"Raina," Ford said as he put an arm around my shoulders. "This is Jenny." He looked down at me with a smile. "This is Angel's girlfriend, Raina. She's a good friend of mine too."
"Hi." I smiled and shook Raina's hand. I couldn't help but notice her taken aback expression as she glanced at Ford's arm around me. What the hell? Was there something I didn't know about going on? Why was everyone so surprised by my presence here?
"We're just about to go on," Raina said as she glanced toward the stage. "Wish me luck." She gave Angel a brief hug then nodded to Ford and me. She made her way up onto the small stage. Angel watched her walk away with pride and adoration in her dark eyes.
A moment later, Raina was center stage in front of a microphone stand and pulled the mike off as the band started playing. I immediately recognized the pop-punk song "Crushcrushcrush" by Paramore. The band was very good and when Raina started singing, I was totally shocked by the powerful voice that came out of her slender frame. She commanded the room as she swaggered around the small stage, owning the song like it was hers. Holy shit, I was impressed.
"She's good, isn't she?" Ford said into my ear, his rumbling voice making me shiver. He was right behind me, with his hard body pressed close to mine. I nodded as my body swayed with the driving guitar riff, unable to help myself. I glanced over to see Angel staring at Raina, completely enamored with her girlfriend's performance. I couldn't blame her. So was I, and most of the room too. The first set went by much too quickly.
Ford led me back to the bar for another drink leaving Angel and Raina talking animatedly by the stage. Along the way there and back, Ford ran into several more people he knew. Every single one of them looked surprised to see me there with Ford, and it was really starting to bother me. I was starting to feel self-conscious. I also realized that he never called me his friend or girlfriend, or anything at all. I was just Jenny, even as he told me the other people were his friends or acquaintances and how he knew them. What was I? Nobody? Just a fuck-buddy? Were we together like I thought we were? We never even talked about what our relationship was. Was Tori right? Was I really just a fill-in until someone better came along? I didn't know. I suddenly felt alone and insecure.
"Are you alright, Jen?" Ford asked as the band went back on the stage for the second set. I looked up into his worried eyes, noting the furrow between his brows. Why did he have to be so damn observant?
"I'm fine," I lied yet again. He made a dubious expression, but I was saved from him questioning my answer when the band started playing.
I spent the next set trying to figure out what to do to keep Ford from leaving me. The only thing I really had to offer Ford was my body. The rest of me was so messed up and damaged that sex was the only thing I knew how to use to keep a man interested. However, last night that wasn't even enough since I ended up crying like a pathetic fool and letting him down. I couldn't let that happen again. I had to prove to him that I could be everything he needed, in and out of bed. Maybe if I was enough physically, the rest would follow. I had to try, because I didn't have any idea what else to do to make this work.
I backed up closer to Ford as I danced to the music, purposefully rubbing up against him with my ass. He loved it, gripping my hips in his hands and pulling me in closer, growling seductively in my ear as he ground his growing erection into me. His obvious arousal made me feel wanted and needed, and it salved my insecurity. I tried to ignore the little voice inside me that told me that I should want more than that. I had to take what I could get.
The band was still playing when Ford finally whispered in my ear that he wanted to take me home, so he could have his way with me. I was more than happy to agree. My plan worked perfectly. We said a brief good-bye to Angel, then Ford led me by the hand swiftly out to his truck.
When we reached his vehicle, he abruptly pushed me up against it with a low rumbling growl of need. He buried his hands in my hair and kissed me, hard and rough, his tongue pushing demandingly into my mouth. He kissed me deeply and thoroughly, leaving me with swollen lips and panting breaths when he was done.
"Jen," he groaned out against my skin as he kissed his way down my neck. "I need to be inside you. Need to fuck you." I shuddered and moaned in delight. He pulled away, his face fierce and his eyes dark with desire. "Get in the truck." His voice was harsh and demanding. It set me on fire. I opened the passenger door, and I scrambled up onto the bench seat. Ford slammed the door closed and stalked to the driver's side, his eyes on me the entire time. He climbed in and started the truck, then practically peeled out of the parking lot in his haste. I was filled with feminine satisfaction. The confidence I lost last night, was back again, and this time I promised myself that I wasn't going to let him down.
**********
We barely made into my living room, when I threw myself at Ford. I felt desperate and crazed, wanting Ford to want me, to need me, and make me feel like I was worth something to him, t
hat I was truly his. I don't know what that said about me, but I ignored the part of me that knew it wasn't anything good.
Ford caught me up in his strong arms, crushing me against his chest with a deep growl. We kissed, our mouths crashing together in a battle for control as I tangled my fingers in his hair and held on for dear life. Within seconds, Ford wrested control of the kiss away from me with a snarl, his mouth hard and demanding on mine. He slid his hands down to my thighs and lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist as he moved across my apartment toward my bedroom.
I pulled on his hair and fought to get the upper hand again, fighting his domination with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. If he preferred to earn his dominance, then he was in for the fight of his life. This strange dichotomy inside me that craved his control and yet struggled against it, was dizzying. I didn't understand it, but I was sure as hell was going to enjoy it. I sucked his lower lip into my mouth and bit down hard as I sucked for all I was worth.
His deep throaty groan and the stagger in his step let me know it was working. He gripped my hips with almost bruising force and ground his erection against my sex, snarling and nipping at my mouth until I whimpered in wanton need.
Somehow, Ford managed to get me to my room, and the world tilted as we fell on my bed with Ford's massive frame covering my tiny one. I ripped and pulled at his shirt frantically until he was finally forced to grab my wrists and pin them above my head in one hand. His grip was firm and unyielding, reminding me of the ropes that he bound me in last night. I mewled in mindless lust, and fought against him again.
"Holy fucking hell, Jen," he rumbled out as his indigo eyes turned black with lust. "You're so fucking hot when you fight me." He gripped my chin in his free hand and turned my head, baring my neck to him. He leaned down and sank his teeth into the side of my neck, growling deeply and worrying at my soft skin. He ground his unbelievably hard erection against me, rubbing my clit through my jeans.
An Act of Restraint: Order & Chaos Book 1 Page 16
