"Jen?" I asked softly as I reached out to run my knuckles along her cheek. I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. She let out a shuddering breath, then abruptly stepped out of my reach. I felt a stab of pain in my heart at her rejection.
"I...I'll call you later, Ford," she mumbled out and got into her Mini Cooper. I just stood there watching powerlessly, running a hand through my hair as she backed out and drove away without looking at me again. Then with a sudden jolt of painful clarity, I realized what happened. I just got blown off, and I didn't have a fucking clue why.
**********
"Jen," I said into my phone in a tight clipped voice as I paced the length of my living room yet again. "It's me again. Call me back. I don't know what I did, but if we could just talk, we can figure this out." I ended the call and stared at my phone, seriously considering hurling it across the damn room. I'd left her text after text, and this was my third voice mail. It was almost three o'clock now, and I still hadn't heard back from her at all. I was hurt and confused after I left Jen's apartment this morning, but now as I thought about how easily she dismissed me, I was fucking pissed off. Even more so since she was obviously ignoring all my attempts to contact her.
I hadn't felt this angry in a very long time. It reminded me of the asshole that I used to be, and never wanted to be again. I didn't like it. Jen hurt me today, and it made me feel vulnerable and pathetic. It made me question my decision to try having a relationship with anyone. If this was what it felt like when things went to shit, then I wasn't sure this was a good idea anymore. My own ignorance about how to deal with this pissed me off too. If I fucking knew what I was doing, I could have avoided this. If Jen just answered my fucking calls and texts I could apologize for whatever the fuck I did and fix this.
"Goddamn it, Jen!" I snarled and dropped my phone down on the couch before I threw it on the floor and smashed it under my boot. I clenched my fists at my sides, feeling like breaking something. I caught myself as I started eying the room looking for something to destroy. I needed to get the fuck out of here. I needed to get out of my head for a while, and I knew exactly how to do that.
I picked my phone up, grabbed my leather jacket off the hook by the door, and pulled it on as I headed downstairs to my bike. I slammed my fist on the garage door opener next to the door, stalked over to my Triumph, and snatched my helmet from where I left it on the handlebar. I dug my key out of my jacket pocket and started the bike. Within moments, I was pulling out of my garage and onto the street.
I loved to ride. Loved the wind in my face and the focus required to ride. I loved the feel of the powerful engine between my legs and the feel of freedom. I had since the first time I got on a bike, when I was eighteen and bought a piece of shit Honda Rebel to piss off my father. Yeah, I did a lot of things to piss him off back then, but he still loved me anyway. At least until three years ago, when he found out his son was a "sexual deviant freak". And now I was angry for an entirely different reason. Fuck. Between thoughts of Jen and my dad, I'd never get a grip on my damn temper.
I rode around for an hour, but didn't manage to calm down at all. This wasn't working, so I headed toward Jen's place, hoping she'd be home, and we could hash this out, whatever the fuck "this" was anyway. The disappointment that slammed into me when I pulled into Jen's empty parking space didn't help my state of mind at all.
I sat on my bike and stared up at Jen's window despondently. A blast of longing hit me out of nowhere. I missed her, and no matter how angry I was, it didn't change the fact that I loved her and wanted to be with her. I had to figure this out somehow. I needed help, because I didn't know what the hell to do about this situation. I took off again, this time heading for my sister's house. If anyone could help me with this, it was Natie.
I stewed all the way there, and I was angry all over again by the time I pulled into David and Natalie's driveway. I stopped behind their cars, beyond grateful that they were home. I stalked to their front door and rang the doorbell with a sharp stab of my index finger. A moment later, my sister opened the door with a wide grin that faltered when she got a closer look at my face.
"Ford?" she asked with a worried expression. "What's wrong?"
"I need your help, Natie," I blurted out in a harsh angry rasp. "I fucked up and I don't know what to do."
"Okay." Her eyes widened as she nodded and stepped back to let me in. I walked in, and began pacing back and forth across her living room.
"Jen fucking blew me off," I started ranting with my hands balled into fists. "Everything was fine, and then I wake up, and she's basically kicking me out. I don't even know what the fuck I did." I snarled out that last part in frustration. "She won't answer my texts or call me back. She hasn't come home, and I don't know where the fuck she is. What the fuck do I do now?" When Natalie didn't respond right away, I turned to see her giving me a perplexed expression.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
That threw me off enough to snap me out of my rant. "David didn't tell you I was seeing someone?" I asked incredulously.
"No, David is like a vault, Ford. If you tell him something personal, he won't tell a soul, not even me, unless you specifically tell him that he can. He takes people's privacy very seriously. Once a psych nurse, always a psych nurse." Her eyes suddenly lit up in amusement. "You have a girlfriend?"
"I thought I did," I mumbled pathetically as my body deflated. I let out a long deep breath as the anger was suddenly just gone, and I was left feeling hurt and dejected again.
Just then, David entered the room. "Damn, Natalie," he said in amusement, carrying little Daniel in his arms. "How does that much crap come out of one baby? The kid's a hot mess. I'm going to have to give him his bath early today." He paused when he noticed me standing next to his fiancee. His smile widened. "Hi, Ford. To what do we owe the pleasure of you being here?"
"I'm a clueless fucking idiot," I blurted out in annoyance with myself. "Sorry," I added as I looked down at my nephew wriggling around in his father's arms. "Didn't mean to curse in front of Daniel."
"It's okay," David said with a worried furrow between his brows. He glanced over at my sister, and a look of understanding passed between them, and he nodded slightly. "Why don't I go give Daniel his bath while you guys talk," he said softly, then carried his son out of the room.
How did they do that? Why couldn't I have something like that with Jenny? Was it already too late for us? I ran a hand through my hair in frustration as I started pacing again for a few moments.
"Ford," Natalie finally said in a sharp tone. "Stop pacing and sit down. You're driving me insane."
I grumbled at her, but complied grudgingly and perched myself on the edge of the dark-brown leather sofa practically vibrating with tension. Natalie sank down next to me cross-legged on the couch facing me.
"What's going on, Ford?" She reached over and touched my arm consolingly. I met her eyes and saw deep concern there. This was a complete shift of roles for us. Usually, it was Natalie coming to me for advice. I was usually the calm one with my shit together, the big brother taking care of his little sister. That just proved what a wreck this crisis with Jen was turning me into right now. I hoped like hell that my sister could help me figure this out.
I told her everything, from the moment Jen and I met until this morning, minus the intimate stuff of course. She listened to it all with a grave expression. When I explained what happened last night and this morning, an incredulous look of disbelief crossed her features.
"You are a fucking idiot, Ford," she finally blurted out.
"Damn, Natie." I glared at her. "What the hell?" I was expecting some sympathy or at least some decent advice.
"You didn't once tell her this was more than just sex did you?"
"She knows that," I snapped out defensively. "She's not some fuck buddy."
"Does she really know that, Ford?" she asked pointedly. "Have you even talked about where your relationship is going or how you feel about her?"
"Not...not really," I said with a shrug. "But she seemed so scared about us that I was afraid to bring it up. I didn't want to frighten her away. She already took off on me once before."
"Ford, she doesn't know how you feel unless you tell her." She shook her head in disbelief. "After last night, she probably thinks you're just in it for the sex."
"Why the hell would she think that?" I jerked back in disbelief. She looked at me like I was the biggest dumbass she had ever seen.
"You treated her like a nobody last night."
"I did not," I blurted out vehemently, leaning away from her in offense.
"You didn't introduce her as a girlfriend or anything to your friends last night," she shook her head at me again. "That has to be why she was upset, you imbecile. She probably thinks you're ashamed of her. Think about her past. Some jackass lied to her and used her to take her virginity. Can you imagine what that did to her self-esteem or how she views sex? It doesn't sound like she ever got over that. Why wouldn't she just assume you were in it for the sex, if you treat her like that and don't tell her otherwise?"
I sat and stared unseeing across the room. Realization fell on me like a ton of fucking bricks. I was an idiot, a complete clueless fucking dumbass of epic proportions. And now Jen was paying the price.
"W...what should I do, Natalie?" I turned a desperate stare on my sister. "She won't answer my texts and calls, and she's not home." I ran a hand through my hair, pushing it out of my face. "How can I tell her anything if I can't find her to talk to her? What am I supposed to do, sit on her doorstep until she comes home?"
"If that's what it takes," Natalie said with a serious expression. "I guess that depends on how much you want her in your life, Ford. Do you want her badly enough to fight for it?"
Did I? I closed my eyes and thought about her face and her gorgeous eyes, and how she made me feel when we were together. She made me feel stronger, better, and more like myself than I ever felt before. She accepted all of me, my tattoos, my job, even my kinky dominant side. When I told her the other day that she was everything I wanted, it had been true, but I should have been clearer about what that meant. I should have told her that I wanted to be with only her, that this was more than just a physical thing for me. I was afraid of frightening her away, but truthfully, I was just plain terrified about the whole thing myself. I'd never given my heart to anyone before, and the risk scared the hell out of me, but I'd never been a coward before, and I didn't want to be one now. It was time to man up.
"I gotta go," I blurted out as I stood suddenly and started for the front door.
"Where are you going?" Natalie asked. I turned to see a smile on her face as her eyes lit up with amusement.
"I've got a date with a doorstep," I told her with a wide grin, then hurried out the door.
**********
"Sir?"
A stern male voice drew my attention away from my phone. I glanced up from where I was sitting on the single concrete step in front of Jen's apartment door, to see a police officer staring down at me. Well, fuck. This was just what I needed. I'd been sitting out here for almost two hours now, and one of Jen's neighbors must have called the cops on me. It was probably the older lady I saw eying me suspiciously as she got out of her car a half-hour ago. You'd think in this day and age people would stop stereotyping tattooed men. The ignorant bitch probably thought I was some ex-con here to steal her damn virtue and murder her in her sleep.
"Yes, sir," I said politely with a smile, hoping to put him at ease. He looked to be about my age, tall and muscular with short dark hair. His dark eyes were calm and focused, and it made me hopeful that I wasn't dealing with an asshole cop on a power trip.
"Is there a reason you've been loitering around this building today?"
"Well," I gave him a lopsided smile. "It's about a girl."
"A girl, huh?" he asked as one side of his mouth twitched in amusement. His demeanor relaxed a little. He crossed his arms, and I noticed the rather large tribal tattoo snaking down his left arm. I almost sighed in relief. At least, I didn't have to worry about this guy judging me because of my ink.
"Yeah," I said as my smile turned wan. "I acted like a dick, and she won't answer my calls or texts, so I'm waiting for her to come home so I can apologize."
"Well, that's different than what I expected," he said with a laugh. "The call I got made it sound like there was an entire outlaw biker gang here terrorizing everyone."
"Well, I do have a bike." I motioned toward my Triumph parked nearby. "But I haven't managed to terrorize anyone on Facebook yet." I held up my phone with a smirk.
"I'm glad the area is safe." His smile faded. "But unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to move on. I can't let you sit here anymore. I'm sorry."
I sighed. "I understand," I said in resignation as I wondered what the hell I was going to do now. I reluctantly rose to leave.
Just then, motion caught my eye, and I glanced over to see Jen's turquoise Mini Cooper pulling into her parking spot next to my bike. Holy hell, I was so glad to see her. She climbed out of her car and stared over at me with a tense unsure expression. I stared back at her helplessly, worry and fear flooding my body. What if she didn't feel the same way that I did? Was I wasting my time here?
"Good luck," the cop murmured quietly. I met his eyes and saw sympathy in them.
"Thanks," I mumbled. He nodded and took off toward his nearby squad car.
I watched Jenny walk toward me slowly, tension in every line of her gorgeous body. She glanced over toward the departing police officer and then back to me.
"What are you doing here, Ford?" she asked tersely as she stopped a few feet away from me. "And why is there a cop here?"
"You wouldn't text or call me back," I grumbled out as her tone irked me off a little. "So I've been waiting for you. One of your ignorant neighbors called the damn cops on me."
"How long have you been here?" she asked incredulously.
"Two hours."
A flash of confused vulnerability crossed her eyes for a second. Natie was right. I was a fool. Jen didn't know how I felt at all. Why I assumed she did, was beyond me.
"Jen," I told her in a gentler tone. I closed the distance between us, and her musky vanilla fragrance filled me with longing. I wanted to hold her and kiss her. I reached out to touch her face, but she took a step back.
"I'm tired," she said in a quavering voice as she looked at the ground. "I'm sorry you wasted your time waiting for me. You should go." She stepped around me and began unlocking her apartment door. Again, she was dismissing me, but now I knew why. She was putting up walls to protect herself, and I couldn't really blame her. I didn't give her any reason to do otherwise.
"Jen," I pleaded. "Let me come in and talk to you." I stared at her back, thinking about the soft skin underneath her T-shirt, and longing to run my fingers across her shoulders and trace the lines of the ink I put there. I squeezed my hands into fists to keep from touching her. I had to make her understand that I wanted more than just her body, and grabbing her and kissing her like I wanted to, wouldn't help right now.
"I don't think that's a good idea," she replied softly without turning to look at me. Her shoulders tensed, and her body trembled as if she were fighting back tears. She opened the door and took a step inside. Shit. Once she closed that door, I feared we were over for good. Panic swept through me at that thought, and I couldn't let that happen.
"Jen, please let me in," I said in a quavering voice myself now. She paused and finally turned to meet my eyes.
"Why?" she asked in a barely audible voice, sounding small and frail. Unshed tears glittered in her gorgeous sapphire eyes. That sucker-punched feeling hit me again, this time accompanied by guilt. I had to make this right.
"Because I...I care about you," I told her with as much sincerity as I could muster. I was still afraid to tell her I loved her. I feared it would be too much too soon for her fragile heart to accept right now.
"W..
.what?" she blurted out in confusion.
"I care about you, Jenny." I couldn't take it anymore and reached out to touch her face. Thankfully, she didn't shrink away from me this time. I ran my knuckles along her soft cheek, brushing a stray tear away. A fearful dubious expression crossed her features, and she pursed her lips. "Please let me come in so we can talk."
She looked at me with an assessing expression for a long moment before finally answering me. "O...okay," she acquiesced.
I followed her through her apartment door and up to her living room, watching her closely. She seemed so unlike herself right now, so subdued and unsure. It broke my heart that I did this to her. I didn't want to quench the fire inside her. It was one of the things I loved most about her. I wanted to stoke it, to build those fiery flames that burned inside her and make her feel strong and happy. I hoped like hell that my inexperience in relationships didn't keep me from doing that.
She stopped in the middle of her living room and turned to face me. She wrapped her arms in a protective manner around her torso as she looked at me expectantly. Her eyes were glassy and fearful, and I was afraid she might cry. Fuck. I moved closer and grabbed one of her hands. I led her over to her couch and pulled her down next to me, still gripping her hand in mine. I turned to face her, meeting her eyes.
"Jen." I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand. "I want you to be mine."
"What?" she whispered as her eyes widened in surprise.
"I want to be with you, and only you." I squeezed her hand reassuringly as she sat staring at me with a shocked expression.
"I...I..." she mumbled out. I could see that she honestly couldn't wrap her head around the fact that I wanted her.
"And not just your body, but all of you." I reached up and cradled her face in my hand.
She closed her eyes and her body finally relaxed as she leaned her cheek into my touch. I sighed in relief that she wasn't shutting me out anymore.
An Act of Restraint: Order & Chaos Book 1 Page 18
