He walked out of the house, leaving his entire world inside.
...
Lily heard the door opening, shutting, the sound of the key locking the door, the hum of his engine, the sound of the tires crunching against the snow. And then she heard nothing and it was the most painful sound of all of them.
She was too numb to cry. She eyed the box he’d left in front of her, replaying what he’d said to her. She hadn’t acknowledged any of it, even though she’d heard it.
She knew he was sorry. She understood how he’d justified not coming back. None of that changed the fact that he’d made all these choices for them, without giving her a voice.
I wrote you every day, he’d whispered on New Year’s Eve.
She frowned at the box, torn between opening it and just leaving it. She didn’t owe him anything. She had already given him a second chance and look at how that ended up.
Know that no matter what I’d take you back. However you screwed up, I’d take you back in a heartbeat, Lily. Ugh. She sniffled, eyed the box, and after a few moments, flicked the lid open. There had to be hundreds of envelopes inside, all with her name written on them.
If she weren’t pregnant she would have poured herself a drink. She hesitated a moment and then picked up the first envelope, slowly pulling out a sheet of lined paper. It was filled with Jack’s handwriting. The date was about a week after he’d left, two weeks after Michael and Matthew’s funeral. She took a shaky breath, but the tears already started falling with just the first line.
God, I miss you, Lil. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you. I’m not what you need right now. But I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I wish you were lying right here beside me, that I could wrap my arms around you and we’d go to sleep like everything was okay and normal. I don’t think I’ll ever feel normal again.
Lily was a blubbering mess by the time she read through the first week’s worth of letters.
I never told you before I left, but the night of the crash, I was supposed to take Matthew to the movies. Michael asked me, but I said no. I never take that stupid road to the movies. If I had taken them, they’d still be alive. I will never forgive myself for that, Lil.
She gasped out loud. He blamed himself? All this time, he blamed himself for the accident? She squeezed her eyes shut as pain for him filled her body. That would have destroyed him. How could he have taken that on? She quickly turned back to the letters, now desperate to know everything, to know the man that had become a stranger to her during those years.
Her hands shook as she looked at the date on the next letter…a week after her miscarriage.
I will never be able to apologize enough to you, but it’s all I can do. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for our baby, Lily. I will never be able to take this pain away. I will never be able to make this right. All I know is that I wish I were with you, I wish I could give you what you need. I wish and I wish that we were living the life we wanted to live. I wish that we had that baby, that I was there when you found out you were pregnant, I wish we welcomed this baby into the world together. I wish that it was a little girl with your smile and your laugh. I wish I was there. I wish we were living at the ranch house. I wish I was your husband. I wish I was everything you needed me to be. But more than anything, I wish for you to be happy again one day, Lily.
Lily cried into her hands and clutched that letter to her chest. After what had to be half an hour she stood. She hobbled to the washroom to grab the entire box of tissues, but paused, leaning on the kitchen table for support as the aching in her abdomen suddenly deepened. She took a deep breath and waited for it to subside. Thankfully, it did, and she grabbed her tissues and went back to her precious bundle of letters. It was as though she was seeing an entirely different side of him; he was giving her a glimpse into the man he was and the depression he’d struggled through.
She read for hours. He’d written her almost every day. Sometimes it was just a line or two, but there was always a line about how much he loved her or missed her. She reread the letter that he’d written after her miscarriage. She also realized it was Chase who’d been watching out for her; he’d contacted Jack about the baby, about her father…it all made sense now. There were times over the last five years that Chase would show up in her life, offering a helping hand with something. He’d been the one to tell her about the low-rent apartment downtown, which now made her wonder if it was really low rent at all or if Jack was secretly paying some of it.
She started shivering and moved onto the couch in the family room, taking the box of letters and tissues. She was feeling worse as the night crept on. She couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but she felt clammy and cold. She suspected she was just emotionally drained. The wind and snow continued to beat against the windows and she wondered where Jack was. She hoped he wasn’t driving. Tears flooded her eyes as she stared out into the dark night and pressed her hand against her abdomen.
She took a deep breath and opened the letters he’d written that week after the miscarriage, which had made her remember who he really was.
Lil…if I could take away everything you went through, everything you’re going through, I would. If I thought my being there would ease even a little of your pain, I’d be on the next flight out of here. I’m so damn sorry, baby. It’s too late and all I can give you are words. One day we’ll have another baby, and I know that’s not going to take away the loss, but maybe it’ll give us something to look forward to. One day, we’ll be together again and I’ll be by your side. We’ll hold our baby. We’ll be a family. I love you, Lily. I’m coming home to you when I can be what you need. Stay strong.
She clutched the letter to her chest and cried for what had to be the hundredth time that night. She wept for both of them, all the pain they’d had to go through on their own.
She needed to make a decision. There was really only one answer for her: she knew she couldn’t live without Jack. He was in her soul. He was her soul. But she needed to own her decision if she was going to move forward with him, she was truly going to have to let go of the past. She was going to have to let the fear go. She was going to have to accept that he was different from the man who’d left five years ago.
She fumbled for the phone, knowing how much time they’d already lost, ready to finally trust him with everything she had.
He answered halfway through the first ring.
“Lily.”
She held back the tears. “Jack—”
“I’m on my way.”
Relief flooded her as a pain shot through her abdomen and traveled down her right leg, pinning her to the couch, stealing her breath. Worry held her still, but she refused to panic. What was that? It could be anything. Maybe she’d just stressed herself out tonight. Maybe a muscle cramp? She massaged her leg, waiting for the pain to ease.
Headlights appeared and she saw Jack’s truck slowly pull into the driveway. Everything would be okay now. She tried to stand, wanting to run and greet him, but her legs felt shaky.
“Lily?”
“In here,” she said.
He was by her side, but instead of looking ecstatic, he was frowning. “Are you okay? You look white and clammy.”
He held his hand to her forehead, and she leaned against his shoulder. “I think maybe my crazy hormones are wreaking havoc on my body. I’ve sat here bawling. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I sent you away.”
He pulled her onto his lap, kissing her on top of her head. “Don’t apologize.”
“How did you get back here so fast?”
He laughed, and she smiled at the vibration against her cheek as she lay against his solid chest. “I was parked up the street. You didn’t actually think I’d leave you out in the country, pregnant, during a blizzard, did you?”
She closed her eyes, smiling.
“Rest, Lil. Just sleep. I’m never leaving again.”
She shut her eyes, comforted by his presence, his promise, his body. She didn’t know how long they sat like that, but she
awoke with a start, and when the cramping in her abdomen started to feel more like a twisting pain, she did move. She held her hand to her lower abdomen and rubbed gently, taking deep breaths, but it wasn’t going away. “Jack, I don’t feel well.”
He pulled back and looked at her. His eyes were red and he looked years older than when she’d first arrived here tonight. “You look white. Tell me what’s wrong.”
She shook her head and tried to move away from him as an onslaught of nausea pummeled through her. “Bathroom,” she managed to whisper, and tried to walk. He lifted her up and carried her, just in time for her to throw up into the toilet. He held her hair away from her face and rubbed her back. When she was finished, he flushed the toilet and got her a cold wash cloth. She barely had enough strength to sit. Something was very wrong. Usually after her morning sickness purge, she’d feel better. Now she felt worse. And it was night; she never felt sick at night. She started shivering.
“I think we need to go to the hospital,” he said, worry clinging to his voice. She wanted to sleep. She leaned her head back against the wall.
“Lily.” She heard him call her name and was vaguely aware that he was walking back in the room. Had he left?
“Jack?” she asked, digging her nails into her jeans for a moment as the pain intensified.
“I called Chase, and because of the storm he said it’ll be quicker if we drive to the hospital.”
She nodded, shutting her eyes again, wishing none of this was happening. She was going to argue but didn’t. She kept her eyes shut, her head against the wall, and started crying.
He crouched down in front of her, looking very in control, but very grim. “Hey, Lily, don’t cry sweetheart. Don’t assume the worst. It’s going to be fine, but I want to leave now. It’s going to take a while to get there. They are starting to close roads down,” he said, his voice thick with worry.
She gave a nod and tried to look brave. “It’s okay. This is all fine, just a little scare.”
He gave a nod. “I’m going to get our things and then come back in to help you.”
She shook her head, trying to find the strength to stand. If she could stand on her own, it would mean everything was fine. It had to be fine. She slowly stood on legs that felt like Jell-O.
…
“Lily!” Jack yelled as he caught her before she fell onto the floor. Her face had gone the color of snow and her cry ripped through his body. “Can you talk?”
She shook her head as she clutched her stomach, her head buried into his chest. Panic gripped him; he needed to get her to the hospital. “I’m going to pick you up, Lil, and get you to the truck, okay.”
When she just nodded weakly, without even a protest, he knew it was bad. “Okay, sit here, one minute. I’m getting your purse and my wallet.” He ran to collect their things and then back to her. She hadn’t moved, and it broke his damn heart to see her in so much pain.
He hoisted her up into his arms and marched outside. The weather was a beast and he tried to shelter her the best he could as he walked to the car, the wind and snow shooting icy pellets around them. He got her buckled in and ran around to the driver’s side. He glanced over at her while he waited for the wipers to clear the inches of accumulation. Her eyes were shut, but not peacefully, her forehead scrunched up, hands still on her abdomen.
“You’re going to be okay, Lily,” he said, backing out of the driveway. “Don’t talk, just relax. I’ll get us there, okay?” He didn’t mention the weather or the roads; he just kept his eyes focused on the dark roads ahead of them.
“I’m so scared, Jack,” she whispered minutes later, her voice barely audible above the heat that was blasting and the ice pellets hitting the windows.
“You’re going to be fine.”
“The baby… I can’t lose this baby, too,” she said, her voice breaking on a sob. He blinked back moisture in his eyes. He couldn’t get emotional, he couldn’t panic. He needed to be strong and focused. He couldn’t think of what she’d told him tonight. He couldn’t go there. If he let himself think of her alone, losing their baby, they’d never make it to the hospital.
“You’re going to be fine, our baby is going to be fine,” he said, not knowing if any of it was true, but he had to make her believe it. He’d failed her and their baby before; he wasn’t going to do it again. He was going to get her to the hospital.
“You don’t know. This cramping, this was how it started last time. Then there was blood. That comes next, Jack,” she said, gently sobbing.
She was going to kill him. His insides ached and he was angry that she was going through this. “You’re not bleeding, right?”
“No.”
He gripped the steering wheel tighter, his teeth clenched. “See, you’re going to be fine.”
“This isn’t normal.”
“Lily, listen to me. You and our baby are going to be fine. I want you to try to sleep, okay?”
She nodded, shutting her eyes, but he knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. He continued driving as fast as the poor road conditions would allow. He cursed under his breath as a road block sign appeared up ahead. He fumbled for his phone, not taking his eyes off the road and voice dialed Chase.
“Chase,” he said, the second his friend answered. “Why the hell is route 60 closed?”
“Road conditions. You’ve got to take the long way around.”
He didn’t say a word as he contemplated what he was going to tell him. If he told him the truth, they were all going to panic, but if he didn’t… “Listen, this stays between us. Lily’s pregnant and having severe pain, and I’m taking her to the hospital. But I need to get there, man, I need to get through this.”
Chase cursed into the phone. “There’s a major collision right after that, so you won’t get through,” he said, and now that he approached, Jack could see the lights in the distance. The only other option was walking.
“Can I walk it?”
“No. That’s insane. Wait in your car. I’ll get the paramedics to you.”
“How long?”
There was a long pause. “You’re looking at least an hour.”
He glanced over at Lily, who didn’t even open her eyes. “I can’t wait that long.”
“You’re not going to make it to the hospital on foot in under an hour. Not during a blizzard. Don’t do it, Jack. Don’t be an idiot.”
“Give me the real time it’ll take an ambulance to get out here.”
His friend swore. “Maybe between one and two.”
“I can walk in less than two hours. I know this route. I know the way to the hospital. I’ve driven down here and walked out here thousands of times as a kid.”
“Can Lily?”
He stared at her, she was barely conscious. “I’ll carry her.”
“Stay there. I’ll get to you.”
“No. You stay home with your family. I’ll take care of mine.”
He hung up the phone and was concerned when Lily didn’t open her eyes. “Lily, we’re going to have to leave the car,” he said. But she didn’t stir.
“Lily?”
Her eyes opened briefly and then shut again. He was going to have to move fast. He tucked her hat down as low as it would go and made sure that he covered as much exposed skin as he could on her. He zipped up his coat and barreled out the door then rounded the truck to get her out. He looped her purse over her shoulder and picked her up, adjusting her weight so that she was resting, her exposed face against his chest. He walked along the side of the road, knowing he’d get lost fast out here if he didn’t.
He squinted against the wind and snow, trying to stay focused on moving as quickly as he could, on getting Lily to a safe place.
He didn’t know how long he’d been walking, but when he turned around he couldn’t see any sign of his truck anymore. He swallowed down the momentary twinge of fear that he should have listened to Chase. There was no going back now. He needed to have faith that he could get Lily there faster.
&nb
sp; He kept as brisk a pace as he could. As the wind whipped around them, he’d never felt more alone, even though he was carrying the most precious bundle. He was alone in his worry for Lily and their baby. He glanced down at her and then swore when he realized the one side of her face was too exposed to the elements. He knew this weather meant frostbite. He switched her to the other side, and when she didn’t even stir his gut churned.
Anyone could get lost out here, but not him. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. He kept chanting that in his head, with each painful step he took. He refused to think about the fact that they must be approaching an hour. They hadn’t passed a single house or car. There wasn’t a damn light in sight. His face was ice and it was becoming harder to breathe, his arms hurt under Lily’s weight. Dread circled his stomach and he knew he needed to make a decision. They were going to have to cut across open land and venture away from the road. If his memory served him right, it would be faster to get to the rural hospital if they cut across instead of taking the long way around. It was risky, because if he lost track of where they were…
He had never been one to believe in signs or tests, but he had been raised by people with enormous faith, and the feeling in his gut was that he was being tested. His mother’s words about having faith echoed in his head.
He was going to get Lily and their baby to the hospital. He squinted, trying to look for lights or large structures in the distance but couldn’t see anything. His arms strained and he could feel exhaustion threatening. They couldn’t stay out too much longer in this. He and Michael had heard the stories, the warnings, from their parents about the dangers of blizzards and how even the most experienced outdoorsmen could get disoriented and lost. He clenched his teeth and scanned the area again. They had to be close.
What must have been half an hour later, Jack knew in his gut they were in trouble. He’d tried waking Lily, but she barely moved. He couldn’t feel his hands or feet, and he was dreaming of rest, of sitting in the snow, with Lily in his arms and resting; that was trouble. That line of thinking meant he was close to the edge.
He was so close to the edge, to admitting he’d been a fool. Who the hell was he to think he could walk to a hospital faster? Who was he to take Lily’s life and their baby’s life into his hands? He stopped and swore, yelling into the sky. His mother had been wrong. Seasons, my ass. They were in the dead of winter. Still. Five damn years of winter. Nothing was getting better. Everything was getting worse. He was failing Lily again.
The Baby Bombshell (Shadow Creek, Montana) Page 13
