“It doesn’t have to make sense to me.” He touched the back of my hand just for a second, then drew his hand away. “Anything I can do to help, you just let me know.”
“Thanks.” I smiled at him. I expected him to list all the reasons why I wasn’t lost, but instead he only offered me his support. Maybe our friendship could work out after all.
“I’m really looking forward to this weekend. I don’t want you to feel like you have to stick with me the whole time. I know there might be some places or people you want to visit, so you can plan to use the jeep whenever you want.”
“That’s nice of you, AJ. Honestly, though, I’m looking forward to your uncle’s party—and just being back in Diamond Bay.” I looked down at the table. “It seems so long ago that we were there.”
“Does it?” He thanked the waitress for his coffee, and as he turned back to look at me that familiar heat was in his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like I never left.”
His words hung in the air between us. Diamond Bay was AJ’s home. Would he think about moving back? The thought of his not being in New York City anymore instantly disturbed me.
“You alright?” He reached across the table and tucked a lock of my sweaty hair back behind my ear. “Blu?”
“Yeah, sorry.” I tried to ignore the tingle of his touch along my cheek. “It’ll be nice to visit.”
“Mm-hm.” He sipped his coffee and studied me.
I could barely stand his eyes surveying my skin—my flushed cheeks, the way my hair hung in damp clumps around my face. I was sure there were sweat spots on my shirt, and exertion always made the blemishes on my skin stand out. I could only think that he was glad we were friends at that point.
“When can we leave? I mean, when will you be off work?”
“Friday evening. I guess around seven? Will that be too late?”
“No, it’s fine. Less traffic that way.” He set down his coffee and looked away from me for a second.
I was relieved to be out from under his scrutiny, but I still felt his gaze leave, as if something went with it.
“Great! Road trip! So much fun!” I grinned. It was a little forced, but I meant it too.
“It will be.” He smiled, and as his eyes met mine, I felt it again.
Whatever it was, it made a part of me come alive. I hadn’t noticed that before.
“I want to say something that you might not think is friendly. Can I?”
“What?” I laughed, then braced myself. Was he going to tell me I needed a shower?
“You’re really cute right now.” He grinned.
“Hm, I think that counts as friendly. It’s certainly kind.”
“It’s true.” He held my gaze for a long moment, then looked away again.
“It’ll be nice to go back to Diamond Bay.” His attention was fully on me as I continued. “A good test of our newfound status as friends.”
It was a reminder of our agreement, but I wasn’t sure if the reminder was for AJ or for me.
Chapter 20
I was well aware of my date with Chase approaching. After the discomfort I felt sitting across from AJ all sweaty and rumpled, I decided that I needed to pull out all the stops for Chase. I wanted to challenge myself to look my very best, even if that meant stepping out of my comfort zone.
I’d been meaning to hire a personal shopper for some time, as many of my clothes were out-of-date and a bit worn. Even though I wasn’t much for fashion, I knew that I needed to look a certain way while I was at work.
Luckily, the woman I wanted to hire had an appointment available for the next morning. It was cutting it rather close, but I thought it would be fun. Plus, Zoe was also available to video chat with me and help me pick out some clothes.
I trusted Zoe’s taste in clothing more than everyone else I’d ever met. She had a special knack for color and style that always surprised me. Plus, it had been quite some time since I’d spoken with her and I wanted to check up on how her business was coming along. Over the summer while we’d all been helping Hanna plan her wedding, Zoe had come up with the idea of Zoe’s World, a business and website that offered fashion consultations for women of every size.
After Oliver and I dropped the kids off at school, he drove me to my appointment.
“I’ll let you know when I’m done—thanks, Oliver.” I smiled at him as I stepped out of the car.
“Have fun. I’ll make sure the trunk is empty.” He grinned.
“Thanks.” I laughed as I waved to him, then headed inside.
There was an entire rack of clothing waiting for me, along with a tall thin woman who had faint wisps of silver through her pale blonde hair.
“Hi, Blu?” She smiled at me.
“Yes, it’s me.” Those words rattled me a little. Was I me? Wasn’t that what I was trying to figure out? Maybe discovering my personal style was a good place to start.
“I’m Emily. I’ve selected a variety of clothing, some casual wear for working with the kids, a few professional pieces, and some evening wear. If you need help with anything, feel free to give me a shout.”
“Thanks.”
I liked that she walked away and let me sort through the clothing. It made me uneasy to have someone watching or over-helping.
As I picked out a few pieces, I caught sight of a gold dress. I couldn’t recall a time in my life that I’d ever worn gold. At least not shoulder-to-knee gold. But the sleek style of the dress and the simple cut called to me. I decided I would just try it on. I didn’t have to buy it, after all.
I ducked into the dressing room and changed into the dress. At first it felt a bit snug.
I looked in the mirror, a little startled at the way it actually gave me a figure, though. What used to be a slender boxy midsection now seemed to have some curves, and I even had a bit of a booty.
“Wow!” I peered over my shoulder at it just as Zoe showed up on my video app.
I quickly answered. “Hi, Zoe. How are you?”
“I’m good. What’s that you have on?”
I set the phone on the bench and stepped far enough back to let her have a good view. “What do you think?”
“Wow! I couldn’t have chosen better myself. Pair it with some Roman sandals—the kind that wrap up your calves. That will be stunning.”
“You don’t think it’s too much?” I frowned. “The color?”
“Not at all, it really makes your hair pop—and it brings out your eyes.”
“But it’s just so…” I paused and looked down at the material. “Sparkly.”
“Yes, sweetie, people will look at you.” Zoe laughed a little. “They’re not going to be able to avoid it in that dress, but not because it’s sparkly, because you look amazing in it! Honestly, if you don’t buy it, I’m buying it for you—and making you wear it.”
“Alright, alright, I’ll buy it.” I grinned.
After I tried on a few more pieces for Zoe, I had a good selection of clothes to purchase, including the dress. I still wasn’t sure if I’d be bold enough to wear it to dinner, but it was exciting to think that I could.
“So what’s going on with Zoe’s World?” I perched on the end of the bench.
“It’s going really well. My website seems to really be taking off. I’m getting calls from women all over the world, so I’ve been doing some virtual consultations too, which is a lot of fun. And Trent has taught me so much.”
“Oh, I’m sure—both on and off the computer?” I wiggled my eyebrows.
“Stop!” She laughed. “He’s totally professional.”
“Darn. You’ve going to have to fix that.”
“No I’m not.” She sighed. “Don’t bring that up.”
“And why not? I know you have a crush on him—and you’re not known for being shy.” I laughed at the look on her face. “So what’s holding you back?”
“I’m not sure. He’s just so different than the men I’m usually attracted to. I don’t know, I just clam up around him.”
“
Hm, sounds like that might be something you should investigate.”
“Yes, you’re probably right about that. We’ll see. I’ll have to put my warrior woman panties on and find some courage or something.”
We both laughed so loud that Emily knocked lightly on the door. “Everything okay in there?”
“Yes, I’ll be right out.” I tried to hold back giggles as I looked back at the phone. “I’d better go. Thanks for your help, Zoe.”
“No problem! Let me know how the date goes, and I demand picture proof that you wore the dress!”
“Okay, maybe.” I hung up before she could argue with me.
As I paid for the purchases, I sent a text to Oliver letting him know that I was ready.
Was this really my life? I had incredible friends, an amazing job, and a driver that would pick me up from anywhere at any time. How could I not be happy?
And yet, as I thought about my date with Chase and the weekend away with AJ, a restlessness settled in that no dress was going to disguise—no matter how sparkly it was.
Chapter 21
It took me a good half hour to convince myself to wear the dress. I kept looking at other options, but my eyes were drawn back to it. I just wasn’t sure if it was too much. I’d never been someone who enjoyed a lot of attention on me, and I thought dressing flashily. or even just in fancy clothes, demanded attention.
But maybe I did want Chase’s attention?
That was the whole point, wasn’t it? To see if I could create that spark between us? How could I even begin to decide if there was something between us if I didn’t give it my all?
I finally put the dress on, twisted my hair into an updo with a few strands hanging down—the way Zoe had taught me—then took the time to apply more make-up than usual.
As I looked into the mirror, I could see the benefit of make-up. It accentuated the positive aspects of my features while muting the blemishes and lines that were scattered across my skin. I could admit that I looked good, but I wasn’t sure what that meant.
What if Chase expected this from me all the time? I wasn’t about to spend an hour getting ready every day just to please him.
“Ugh, really, Blu?” I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts. “It’s a second date and you’re already turning him into a controlling and demanding boyfriend.”
I realized that I did that a little too much. I played things out in my head before I’d actually experienced them. It was as if I thought I could predict his behavior or reaction, but all of it was based on fear, not intuition.
Chase had given me no reason to believe that he would have high expectations of me. Somehow it had been programmed into me that in order to be a “good girlfriend” I had to be focused on his pleasure, his needs, and his approval.
So it wasn’t just AJ that I felt that way with. It was any man.
Already, dating Chase had revealed something new to me. I had a strange idea of what a woman should be, especially in a relationship.
After one last touch-up, I headed outside to meet the cab.
Chase stepped out the moment he saw me and seemed frozen where he stood.
I tried to read his expression, but it was difficult, as his mouth hung open and his eyes were wide. Good? Bad?
“Wow.” He finally took a step toward me, and I decided that it was a good reaction. “You look amazing, Blu.” His gaze wandered over me as he held out his hand.
“Thanks. You look nice too.”
He’d worn a suit jacket, well-shined shoes, and a perfectly knotted tie. His hair was neatly combed and the scent he wore wrapped around me as he pulled me close. It was delicious—a mixture of vanilla and some exotic spice that I couldn’t place.
I was used to AJ’s woodsy scent, but this was nice too.
As he looked into my eyes, I thought he might kiss me right then. I waited for my heart to race, for my lips to tremble just a little in anticipation of the caress.
Instead, I felt my face grow warm.
“We should get going.” He smiled as he held the door open for me.
I felt awkward in the cab on the ride to the restaurant—mainly because I hadn’t decided if I was going to tell Chase about the weekend with AJ yet.
On the one hand, my life was still my life and I didn’t need to share every detail with him. On the other, if I were in his shoes, I would want to know. It seemed disrespectful of his feelings not to clue him in. I just hoped that when I assured him that AJ and I were just going away as friends, he’d believe me and still be interested.
I found excuses not to mention it through most of the meal. I discovered that he and I shared a favorite comedian and that we both loved to kayak. We made tentative plans to take a trip down a river upstate.
Each time the words were on the tip of my tongue, I decided against speaking them.
As we shared a scrumptious chocolate brownie for dessert, I knew that my chance was almost gone. It wasn’t something I wanted to text him about. But maybe, I just wouldn’t mention it all.
“So, can we get together on Saturday? Maybe a picnic in the park?”
A picnic in the park. My heart warmed at the invitation. It was so sweet, so romantic, so perfect. But now I had to decide whether to lie. I couldn’t start off a new relationship with a lie.
“Actually, there’s something I should tell you.”
“Oh? Allergic to bees?” He raised an eyebrow. “It can be an indoor picnic.”
“No.” I laughed a little. “It’s just—I’ve made plans for this weekend.”
“Of course you have—sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.” He hesitated for a moment. “I’m a little old-fashioned when it comes to dating, but if there’s someone else, we can keep things casual.”
“There’s no one else.” I felt my face go warm as I recalled the invitation from Harris. “AJ’s uncle is having a retirement party and—well, I think a lot of him so—I’ll be staying there for the weekend and—”
“AJ? The ex that’s maybe not quite an ex?” He set his glass of wine down and locked his eyes upon mine.
“He is an ex. We’re just friends. But we have a lot of history together. I don’t know. I guess we’re trying to figure out the best way to keep our friendship intact.” I looked down at my plate and back up at Chase. “I hope that’s not going to be a problem.”
“I’m not the type of guy to tell you what to do, Blu, but spending the weekend away with your ex—who you obviously still care deeply about—well, that’s a risk, if you ask me.”
“Well, we are friends. Nothing is going to happen. We’re staying in separate rooms and everything.”
“I don’t need to know the details.” He chuckled. “You don’t have to convince me, but it does sound a bit like you’re trying to convince yourself. Blu, I like you. I’d like to see where this goes, but I’m not sure you’re being honest with yourself.”
I looked into his eyes for a long moment. Was I lying to myself?
Later, when he walked me to the door after dinner, I expected him to tell me that it was over. Instead, he slipped his arm around my waist and leaned in close.
As his lips neared mine for a kiss, I stared at his face approaching me. His lips caressed mine and I responded with a slow soft kiss.
But my eyes never closed and my heart remained at its same steady beat.
“Good night, Blu.” He held my gaze. “Let me know when you get back, alright?”
“I will. Thanks, Chase.”
Chapter 22
The memory of Chase’s kiss still lingered, even a full day after our date. I’d been busy with the kids the day before, so we hadn’t had a real chance to talk, but his text to me the next morning had been very sweet.
Now as I lay in bed for a few minutes thinking again about our date, I realized why he’d probably kissed me.
It wasn’t just because it was the second date. Chase was a patient man and I guessed that he would have waited under other circumstances.
He’d kissed me because
he knew I was going away with AJ and he wanted to give me something to think about. And I was thinking about it—big time. His lips had been soft, his touch gentle.
With AJ, it had been all passion. There’d been no awkward moment when we’d hesitated to touch one another—to kiss. It had happened so fast that I remember almost feeling out of control. My heart slammed against my chest at just the thought of it.
Maybe things would just happen a little slower with Chase, which could be nice.
After I dropped Marley and Joey off at school, I returned to the apartment to pack my things for the trip.
At the last second, I decided to bring the gold dress. The retirement party would be at AJ’s old bar, which wasn’t fancy at all, but I knew everyone would be dressed up for the occasion. It had been so much fun wearing it the other night that I wanted the chance to wear it again. It had nothing to do with the idea of AJ seeing me in it. At least that’s what I was telling myself.
When I finished packing, I still had some time before I needed to leave to pick Marley up from school. I decided to place a call to Noella, Hanna’s older sister. I hadn’t heard from her much since I’d been back in New York, and I knew she was probably having as much of a struggle as me with the dating.
I placed the call and settled into one of the overstuffed chairs in the living room.
“Blu! It’s so good to hear from you.” She smiled into the camera.
“Sorry I’ve been out of touch. Things have been interesting around here.”
“Here too.” She laughed. “I heard from Hanna that you and AJ split up. Are you dating someone new?”
“I’m not sure if I’d call it that.” I frowned. “What exactly is dating anyway?”
“If you figure it out, let me know, because I don’t have a clue. I went on a date with one guy and he expected us to be attached at the hip from then on. I went on a date with another guy, and he doesn’t do exclusive—ever. How am I supposed to figure all this out?” She laughed.
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