by J. S. Cooper
The bus pulled up around twenty minutes later and I jumped on it, making my way to a window seat. I stared out the window and wondered what it was I had done wrong in life to put me in this position. Then I felt mad because I was feeling sorry for myself. I still had my life. I still had my family. I’d had a pretty charmed life growing up.
My thoughts turned to Jamilah and the life she had being a latchkey kid, having to look after her brother. I should have done more. I could have tried harder. I should have been there for her. My heart thudded as I thought about her eager face and smile. All she wanted was to make it to the Olympics. We’d all had dreams like that at one point in time. I just wished she hadn’t gone in that pool at night. If only I hadn’t gone on the camping trip, then I could have been at home and taken her to the pool myself. I could have taken care of her.
The bus ride seemed to take forever, but that’s how it always was when you needed to get somewhere important. The ride seemed slow or the traffic was always crazy. I ran from the bus stop to the hospital. I ran as fast as I could and I didn’t stop, even though it was about two miles away. I knew that I couldn’t be that close and wait for another bus.
I pulled out my phone and called Jamilah’s mom as I approached the hospital. The sun was starting to rise, and I knew that Riley and the guys would be wondering where I had gone. A flash of guilt flooded me when I realized that Riley would be left with those vultures, but I knew she could take care of herself. I was scared that she wouldn’t talk to me again. I felt that I’d committed the ultimate betrayal by sleeping with her and leaving her by herself.
“Hudson!” Jamilah’s mom cried into the phone.
“Where are you? I’m at the hospital.”
“We’re in the ER,” she cried, and I felt my heart pounding as I walked quickly to find her.
I navigated the corridors in a cloud of fear as déjà vu hit me. I hated hospitals. They made me think of death. The last time I’d been in a hospital had been when Clara died and I’d never wanted to come back to one.
“Hudson,” Marcus called out to me in a soft voice as I walked into the emergency room’s waiting area. He looked small and worried as he sat there next to his sobbing mother. Tears were furiously rolling down her face, and as she looked up at me with small red eyes, I felt my feet freeze.
“How is she?” I asked after a few seconds, all the blood having drained from my face as I looked into her bleak eyes.
“She nearly drowned.”
“Is she okay?” I held my breath, waiting for an answer, praying to God that she was okay.
“They said she’s going to be okay.”
I felt my heart start again. I walked over to her and put my arms around her, awkwardly trying to comfort her.
“I don’t know what I would have done!” she sobbed. “My baby. My little baby.” She cried into my shoulder, and I patted her back.
“When can we see her?”
“I don’t know.” She continued to cry, and I just held her. I rubbed her back and smiled at Marcus.
I didn’t want them to see my pain and worry. I wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that they could count on me as a man. I hadn’t been there for Clara when she’d needed me. I hadn’t been there to help her. I hadn’t been there for her mother when she died. I hadn’t known what to say or what to do. How could I have faced her, knowing that I’d been with another woman the night she died? It seemed to me that no mother would want to hear that her daughter’s boyfriend was a dog. I didn’t think she wanted to hear that I’d been about to break up with her daughter either. She didn’t want to know that my dating Clara had been a mistake. That my heart had belonged to Riley since we were teenagers.
“I don’t know if I can take this again.” Jamilah’s mom jumped up. “How am I supposed to look after my kids and work? I can’t seem to do both. My poor babies. I just don’t know what to do.”
“It’ll be okay.”
“How?” She shook her head. “I can’t seem to find another job. I can’t keep leaving my babies at home while I go to work. I can’t afford to pay someone. And I don’t take help from the government. I’m not some welfare mother. I may be a single mother, but I’m working hard to take care of my kids.”
“There’s no shame in accepting help when you need it. That’s what it’s for.”
“I don’t want to be that woman,” she sobbed. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard, but every day it’s something else. Every day someone is trying to bring me down.”
“It’ll get better.” I didn’t want to tell her about the million dollars. What if I didn’t win?
“I’m scared.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “How am I supposed to raise two strong, intelligent babies if I’m never there?”
There was silence in the room as we sat there, and I felt Marcus grab my hand. I looked down at him, and he looked scared. There was a look in his eyes that I shouldn’t have seen in a young boy.
“I’ll help you as much as I can.”
“You got your own life, boy.” She shook her head but gave me a quick smile. “Thank you for offering though.”
“I mean it.” I rubbed Marcus’s back to try and get him to relax, and I realized that my words meant nothing without actions. I could say anything I wanted. Words were meaningless.
“Hi, Mrs. Brown?” A doctor walked in with a clipboard and I stood up. “You can come in and see Jamilah now. She’s a very lucky girl.”
“Thank you, doctor,” she sobbed. “Thank you.”
***
I left the hospital feeling slightly happier. I’d gotten to see and talk to Jamilah, and I had felt life come back into my soul when her eyes lit up when she saw me. I had hugged her and held her tight to me. I pulled my phone out and dialed the number I had memorized by heart even though I hadn’t called it in years.
“Hello.” Her voice was soft and hurt, and I felt terrible.
“It’s me.”
“I know.”
“Are you mad at me?” I asked stupidly.
“Where are you?”
“I had to leave.”
“I see.”
“You don’t, but that’s okay. I’m not the guy for you, Riley. I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough for you. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you.”
“You did not take advantage of me.” She sounded angry.
“I was supposed to be your protector, Riley. Not your lover. You deserve a man who’s upright. I’m not that man.” My voice cracked as my heart broke. “I need to amend for my sins.”
“Clara’s death is not your fault.”
“I should have been with her that night. I shouldn’t have left her. I shouldn’t have been with you. What I did was wrong.”
“We were both wrong, Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”
“No. No, it’s not. You were caught up in the moment.”
“I deleted the text message, Hudson. She sent you a text message to come and get her and I deleted it. You didn’t know. Don’t you see? It’s my fault. I’m the one who stopped you from going to get her. If it weren’t for me being jealous, you would have gone to get her. She’d still be alive.”
I stopped dead at her words. I felt sick to my stomach and my face paled.
“Hudson, please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry. You have to know that I never would have deleted the messages if I’d known. I just wanted to be with you. I didn’t want you to leave. I’m the bad one here, not you. Please don’t close down or blame yourself anymore. If you’d known, you would have gone for her. If you’d seen that text, she’d still be alive. I’m so sorry, Hudson.”
I hung up the phone and let it drop to the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or see. Everything in me had frozen at Riley’s words. She still believed in me after all that. That was what made me feel worse. That she still had complete and utter faith in me after everything.
I collapsed to the ground a
nd slammed my fist into the concrete, screaming and shouting. I sat there with my bloody fist in my hand and closed my eyes. This time, all I could see was Clara’s face as I tucked her into bed that last night with a flask of whiskey. “Sweet dreams,” I had whispered in her ear, my mind only thinking about Riley and the night ahead. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I smiled at her as she gazed up at me with hurt eyes.
She’d known, like I had, that it was over between us. She’d known I’d been distant. I thought she’d known how I’d felt about Riley. The one thing neither of us knew was that that would be the last time we’d ever see each other.
I jumped up off the ground, grabbed my bag, and started walking. Riley was wrong. I was responsible for Clara’s death, and if Riley knew everything, I knew she’d never believe in me again. And that was the most troubling thing to me out of everything. I couldn’t stand for Riley to know who I really was. Because if she knew, she would hate me forever. Just like I hated myself.
Chapter 14
Riley
Present Day
It had been two weeks since I’d seen Hudson. He hadn’t been at the gym on the days I’d gone and I had been too numb to care. I didn’t blame him for hating me. What I’d done was wrong and I wasn’t sure if I would have been able to forgive myself either. That didn’t stop it from hurting inside, of course. The pain was raw and deep. I felt like I had been ripped open and my guts were hanging out for all the world to see. To have come so close to happiness again and lose it was devastating.
Being with Hudson the second time had confirmed to me what I’d already known. He held my heart. He held it in his hands and he had crushed it when he’d hung up on me after I’d told him about the text message. I knew what I had done was wrong, but I hadn’t expected him to be so done with me.
Part of me wondered if maybe he had lied that night. Maybe he really hadn’t wanted to break up with Clara. Maybe he had loved her. Maybe I was just a dalliance. An easy piece of meat. He had been a young college boy and I had basically offered myself up on a platter. “Make love to me. Take my virginity.” What man was going to say no that? I was ashamed of myself for having been so easy and then letting him sleep with me again.
I closed my eyes as I sat in the car, too nervous to head into the gym. Today was the day of the final match between Hudson and Channing. Whoever won would represent the club at the championships. Eden and I had talked about it and we both hoped that Channing would be the one to represent the club. I’d done some research and found out that there had been two people who had died at the previous year’s event. Justin had told me that some of the fighters thought they were a part of the Hunger Games and did anything to win, even if it meant someone dying.
I was scared for Hudson and I didn’t want him to win. A part of me wanted to beg him to withdraw, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me. He was entering the championship to give money to Clara’s mom. There was no way he was going to let me talk him out of that.
I jumped out of my car, ready to walk into the gym, when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.
I turned around and my eyes widened in surprise. “Luke? What are you doing here?”
“Came to see my friend kick some ass,” he laughed, but his eyes looked worried.
“I wish you wouldn’t have told him to do this.” I sighed and shook my head.
“Hey, he’s going to make a million dollars.”
“If he wins.” I glared at him.
“Well, nice to see you too, Riley.”
“It is good to see you.” I gave him a quick hug. “I’m just worried. People die, you know.”
“Hudson knows how to take care of himself.” Luke turned away from me. “He’ll be fine.”
“I hope so.”
“Been skinny dipping lately?” He raised an eyebrow, and I frowned at him.
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing. I was just remembering how much you liked to go skinny dipping those summers in Florida.”
“I don’t think so.” My heart raced as I stared at him. “The only summer I went skinny dipping was the last time I went to Florida and you weren’t there.”
“Uh huh.”
“How did you know I went?”
“I just guessed.”
“Did Hudson tell you?” I frowned, and he shook his head.
“No, Hudson didn’t tell me anything.”
“I see.” I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “Why didn’t you come that summer anyways?”
“I had an internship, but I did make it down for a few days.” His face turned red and he pulled out his phone. “Hold on. I think Hudson is calling me.”
“I didn’t know you came down.” I frowned, trying to remember. “You didn’t stay at the cottage.”
“No, I didn’t.” He put his phone back in his pocket. “Hudson wants to see me.”
“Really?” I frowned.
“Yeah.” He quickly walked ahead of me.
“Luke,” I called after him. “Why do you care so much about Hudson entering the fight?”
“Well, I know he wants to give some of the money to Clara’s mom.” He shrugged. “It would help her out a lot.”
“What do you care?”
“Clara really loved her mom. Everything she did was for her.” His tone changed. “She’s the only girl I know who really cared about someone more than herself.”
“I didn’t realize you knew her that well.”
“We went to college together,” he snapped. “She dated my best friend. We were friends.”
“Okay.” I put a hand up. “No need to bite my head off.”
“Stop questioning me.”
“I wasn’t questioning you. What’s your problem?”
“Sorry. I’m just stressed.” He sighed. “I’m concerned about Hudson as well.”
“Right. You’re scared he’s going to get hurt?”
“No, I’m scared he’s not going to win. He needs to win that money.” His voice rose. “You need to make sure he wins.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” He shook his head, and I could see a dazed look in his eyes. “Sorry. Nothing.”
“You okay, Luke?” I frowned as I stared at him. He looked like he was wired.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He nodded. “Sorry, okay?” He rushed into the gym ahead of me and I wondered what his problem was.
Something about his demeanor had seemed off. A part of me wondered if he was going to try and take the money from Hudson if he won. I knew that Luke didn’t have a job, and now I wondered if he had gotten himself into some sort of gambling debt or something. Something seemed really odd about how anxious he was for Hudson to win. I didn’t buy that he was worried about Clara’s mom. What did he care if Clara’s mom was kicked out or not? It just seemed fishy to me.
I froze in the middle of the gym as I realized that all of the equipment had been moved to the side and that there were gym mats on the ground. They had been roped off like a boxing ring and there were first aid kits sitting at the side of the mats.
Justin walked up to me with a smile. “Hey, you.”
“Hey, Justin.”
“You excited?”
“Not really,” I shook my head. “More like worried.”
“Yeah, me too,” he whispered, and I gave him a sharp look.
“Why are you worried?”
“Channing is not going to go down without a very dirty fight.” He looked around and continued talking. “He’s was already pissed that Hudson might take away his opportunity and now he’s angry that Hudson took his girl as well.”
“What girl?” My heart flipped as I thought about Hudson with someone else.
Justin gave me a look. “You, of course.”
“Me?” I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Channing thinks you’re cute.” Justin shrugged. “He was hoping you guys would hook up on the camping trip. That’s why he put his bag next to you. But then your bag went missing and...you
know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Well, I know you guys tried to be quiet, but you know...” Justin’s eyes looked embarrassed.
“Oh, my God.” I flushed red as I realized what he was saying.
“You were the only girl.” He made a face. “Channing felt like Hudson stole you.”
“Hudson and I have history.” I blushed.
“Yeah, and he left you by yourself.” Justin shrugged. “He doesn’t seem like a great guy to me, but I don’t know him well. I’m just saying that I think Channing is out for blood tonight.”
“Channing and I never had anything though.”
“Do you think that matters to guys? In Channing’s mind, you were his. Or at least you were going to be his. It was a done deal. I don’t know if he really liked you or if he sensed you and Hudson had a connection, but Channing is out for the kill.”
“He wouldn’t hurt Hudson though, would he?”
“Are you joking?” Justin’s laugh sounded tormented. “He’s out to hurt him. I think tonight is going to be the fight of the century.”
“They can’t do that.” My face paled. “It’s illegal to harm someone else.”
“This is the world of underground fighting, Riley. Don’t you understand that yet? There are no rules or cares. Everyone has their eye on the prize.”
“But all you guys are so nice.”
“There’s a reason why the two who are fighting the championship are Hudson and Channing. Neither one of them gives two shits about anyone else.”
“That’s not true.” I shook my head. “Hudson’s a good guy.”
“I don’t know why you’re defending him. It seems to me he fucked you and left.” Justin’s eyes looked at me in apology. “I’m not trying to be rude.”
“I know.” I bit my lip and looked down. My mind was filled with a million different thoughts, and I didn’t know if I would be able to watch the fight without throwing up. “Excuse me.” I gave Justin a short smile. “I’ll be back.”
