Until now.
‘But… why? She loves you. You love her. You have two kids together, for Christ’s sake. What the hell is she thinking?’
Gareth took a long swig from his beer, then set the bottle down on the coffee table. ‘She said she woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and didn’t recognize the person looking back. And worse than that, she didn’t want to. She says she can’t live like that.’
Lily had said that marriage changes people. Even if they don’t mean it to. And for the first time, Alex started to believe she might be right. That either you stayed exactly the same, to keep the person you married happy, or you changed until they didn’t love you any more. Frustration or abandonment. Were they really the only options?
‘But still,’ he said, clinging to some hope. ‘What you two have… Not everyone gets that. It’s got to be worth fighting for, right?’
Gareth just shrugged. ‘The thing is, Al, she’s right. I’m the same. I can’t remember whether I like olives or not.’
Okay, now that one had to be the beer, right? ‘Sorry? I’m not seeing where the olives fit in.’
‘It’s like this.’ Gareth leant forward, an earnest seriousness on his face, as if he were about to impart a great wisdom of the age. ‘I’ve been thinking about it while I was sitting on your doorstep, waiting for you. When I was younger, right, before I met Della, I knew who I was. I knew what I liked, what I disliked. What I wanted out of life. But now…’ He shook his head. ‘It’s all muddled. I can’t remember which are things I like, or want, and which are things Della wants me to like or want. I’ve lost track of who I am.’
Like Lily would have done if she’d married Edward. He’d thought she was wrong, that she would have fought it whatever. But if it could happen to Gareth and Della, people who actually loved and understood each other, who’d known the person they were marrying… It could happen to me, Alex realized. To him and Lily.
He shook his head, trying to make his world round again. It felt like everything he knew had stretched out, then snapped back into place, the same but different. Just this morning, he’d been so sure about the world. But now… No. This wasn’t about him and Lily. This was about Gareth and Della, and helping his brother win back the woman he loved.
Except, Gareth didn’t sound like a man planning to go down fighting. ‘So… wait. You’re not trying to get her back?’
‘What’s the point?’ Gareth asked, and lifted his bottle to his mouth again. ‘She’s right.’
‘But… you love each other. You want to be together.’
‘We did. And of course I still love her. But… We haven’t been happy together in a long time, Al. And sometimes the best thing is to admit defeat and live to fight another day.’
No. No, no no. This was wrong. This wasn’t Gareth talking. This wasn’t the man who’d proposed in front of his entire family at his twenty-first birthday dinner, then waited for long moments, visibly nervous, while Della chewed her steak before she answered.
‘What about the kids?’
‘They’ll be better off with two happy parents who live apart than two miserable ones together.’
‘It’s really that bad?’ Alex slumped down in his chair, and tried to remember the last time he’d seen the whole family together. Usually it had been him, Gareth and the boys. That probably should have been a sign.
‘It really is.’ Gareth sighed. ‘I don’t know. Della’s saying trial separation, and there are a million things we need to talk about. But yeah. I think it’s really over.’
Alex let that sink in for a moment. ‘Well. Okay then. You want to stay here for a while?’
‘Yeah.’ Gareth tried for a smile, but it looked false and sad on his face. ‘We can have all those cool bachelor times I missed out on by getting married at twenty-two.’
‘It’ll be fun,’ Alex said, knowing it sounded like the lie it was. Because that was what he’d moved to Felinfach to get away from. He’d done the bachelor life for long enough. Now was his time to settle down, marry a girl who adored him. That had been the plan, until Lily ran out on him this morning.
Except, now he was starting to think maybe he’d had a lucky escape.
Chapter Sixteen
‘I did the right thing,’ Lily told herself as she caught sight of her reflection in one of the many mirrors dotted around Tiger Lily Jewellery. They were supposed to reflect light, and shine, and sparkle, making her rings and bracelets and pendants irresistible to the off-the-street buyer. But for the past three days, all they’d done was reflect Lily’s own doubts and misery back at her.
She stared down at the work in front of her to avoid her own haunted eyes, but the earrings in her hands weren’t even close to symmetrical. Shoving them back in the box to fix later, she started sorting beads and findings instead. Apparently busy work was all she was good for today.
But while the sorting kept her hands busy, it left her mind free to roam. To wonder what Alex was doing. To wonder if the fact he hadn’t called her in three days meant he’d changed his mind. And if that was a good thing…
Cora claimed there was some sort of crisis going on with his brother, and that was why he hadn’t been in touch. But really, who could blame him for seizing the first excuse to get the hell away from her. And wasn’t that what she wanted anyway?
Lily sighed, realizing she’d sorted the green and blue beads into the same compartment, and that the copper and brass findings were muddled up too. This day was a total write-off, and she still had Cora’s hen night to get through that evening.
Leaning back in her chair, she let all the thoughts in, for the first time in three days, and admitted the truth of the situation.
It wasn’t that she’d wanted Alex to follow her when she’d run. She’d been honestly freaked out, and seeing him again so soon would have only made things worse. And she wasn’t one of those girls who darted out of reach, just to be sure the boys cared enough to chase her. No, she’d run because the idea of Alex being in love with her had been honestly terrifying.
Except, then she’d spoken to Cora.
Her friend’s words on the subject had been echoing round her head ever since. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives becoming the people we were meant to be, because we have each other to lean on.
Alex had helped her take her first steps to being the person she knew she was supposed to be. What if, without him, she couldn’t take the rest of the steps to get there?
Lily shoved a hand through her hair. It wasn’t even that, really. The truth was, she missed him. Never mind the high-minded reason-for-love theorizing. Three days without him, and she didn’t care about any of it. She just wanted his arms around her and his lips on hers.
She wanted it to be easy again. Was that so much to ask?
The sound of the shop door clanking open shocked her into sitting upright, the chair legs smacking into the floor with a crash. She blinked wide eyes at the sight of Edward standing awkwardly, hands in pockets, beside her current summer display.
‘What are you doing here?’ Even when they’d been together, he’d rarely come by the shop, and never unplanned, just-to-say-hi visits. Always, “you’re late and we need to go right now” visits.
‘I wanted to see how you are,’ Edward said, his voice somehow both familiar and strange at the same time. It was only a month and a half since she’d broken their engagement, and she’d already started to forget the way he looked, sounded, his mannerisms and expressions.
In fact, they were almost all overlaid with the way Alex spoke, the way he raised his eyebrow, the quirky smile. But she really didn’t want to be thinking about Alex right now.
‘I’m fine,’ she said, a little belatedly. ‘And I’m not your responsibility any more.’
Edward’s face broke into a look of exasperation. ‘That’s not… Look, Lily, we were together a very long time. I still care about you, even though we’re over.’
Something didn’t ring right, here. At the back of h
er mind, Lily had almost expected him to be coming to try to win her back. The way Alex wasn’t trying at all. But nothing about the way he looked at her or the way he talked matched up with that. So what the hell did he want?
‘Well, I’m still fine,’ she said, getting to her feet. But once she was standing, she wasn’t sure what to do next. It was already too late for a welcome hug, or even a handshake. But it felt weird to sit while he hovered over her. In the end, she settled for leaning against her desk, hands behind her, and waiting to hear what he wanted.
‘That’s… That’s really good.’ Edward shuffled from one foot to the other, and Lily narrowed her eyes. Something was going on here. ‘Are you… I mean, I heard you were seeing that Alex fellow. Is that still on?’
There was no jealousy in his voice, she realized. He really was over her. She couldn’t help but feel that should hurt more than it did. ‘It’s nothing serious,’ she said, not wanting to get into specifics.
‘Really? Because Cora said –’
‘You spoke to Cora?’
‘She called to see how I was.’ Because Cora was a much better person than she was, Lily thought.
‘And how are you?’ Lily asked, far too late to sound sincere, she knew.
Edward broke into a wide smile, the sort Lily hadn’t seen on his face in years. Not even when he’d proposed and she said yes. That really should have been a sign. ‘I’m doing wonderfully,’ he said, his hands still in his pockets. He glanced bashfully down at the ground, a move that made him look about fifteen. Yep, there was definitely something going on here. ‘Actually…’ he went on, and Lily braced herself. ‘That’s sort of why I came. I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.’
Lily ground her teeth with impatience. ‘Hear what, exactly?’
Edward looked up, met her gaze, his eyes wide and honest and happy. ‘I’m getting married. Really, this time.’
* * * *
Della hadn’t wanted to meet at the house; too many memories, Alex assumed. When he’d called, said he was just outside town, and could he stop in to see the boys, she’d told him they were headed to the park. He’d told her he’d meet them there. Hadn’t left her room to argue.
Now, sitting beside her on the hard wood of the bench, watching Joe and Billy race each other to the slide, he wasn’t even sure what he’d come to say.
‘If you’ve come to ask if there’s another man involved –’
‘I haven’t,’ Alex said quickly. ‘I’m not here to defend my brother’s honour, or anything like that.’
Some of the fight went out of her then, as she relaxed against the back of the bench. ‘Okay. Then why are you here?’
‘Honestly? I’m not sure.’ Alex leant back too, eyes scanning the park. ‘I wanted to see the boys, of course. Wanted to make sure you were okay.’
‘I’m fine,’ Della said, too quickly for it to be true.
Alex let her have the lie. ‘That’s good.’
Della turned and eyed him critically. ‘More to the point, are you okay?’
Was he? Alex wasn’t even sure any more. He still hadn’t found the courage to talk to Lily again, for starters. He’d have to soon, he knew. They worked across the courtyard from each other, for God’s sake, and it had taken some pretty determined avoidance to stay out of each other’s way for the past week. But honestly, he didn’t know what he’d say when they did speak.
‘Dell, if you had the chance to go back and change things, choose not to marry Gareth, would you?’
‘Not for a second.’ Her answer was firm, definite, and Alex still found it hard to believe.
‘Really?’
Della sighed. ‘Think about it, Al. If I hadn’t met and married Gareth, I wouldn’t have the boys, and that’s unthinkable. But that aside, yeah, maybe it didn’t work out in the end, but we still had over a decade of fantastic memories and experiences. Ten years that I wouldn’t have spent with anyone else, even if it meant I didn’t have to feel like this now.’
Alex stared at her. ‘Okay. And, uh, how are you feeling?’
‘Like my life’s been torn into two pieces. How’s Gareth doing?’
‘About the same, I think.’ Alex thought of his brother, trying too hard to smile and joke at bad sitcoms on the telly of an evening. Calling his boys to wish them goodnight, then heading straight to the fridge for a beer.
‘Yeah. It’s pretty horrific, all this.’
‘How are the boys?’
‘Better than either of us, I suspect. They’re good boys, and they know that divorce isn’t the end of their family – they’ve got enough friends with divorced parents for that. But it’s still hard, of course it is. They miss their dad.’
‘At least he’ll still be close. They can still spend time with him.’
Della nodded fiercely. ‘Absolutely. Once things have… settled down a bit, we’ll get it all sorted out properly. I won’t let this ruin their lives, or mine, or Gareth’s.’ She said it with such certainty, such determination, that Alex couldn’t help but believe her.
‘So, is that all you came to ask me?’ Della quirked an eyebrow at him, and Alex felt a sudden pang of loss, that he’d no longer see this woman over the dining table every Christmas, or sneak off to smoke illicit once-a-year cigarettes behind the greenhouse at Cora’s parents’ annual summer garden party.
‘I’ll miss you, you know.’
‘You can still see me,’ she said, with a shrug. ‘You know the boys adore your visits. I want to keep things as normal as possible for them.’
‘Yeah. That’d be good,’ Alex said, feeling his spirits brighten a little.
‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?’ Della asked, sharp eyebrow still raised. ‘Because honestly, Al, you look like hell.’
Alex shrugged. ‘Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, that’s all.’
‘Really.’ A wide, mocking smile spread across her face. ‘A new girl, Al? Think this one might last out the week?’
Alex shifted uncomfortably on the bench, and Della’s smile faded. ‘Hang on a minute,’ she said. ‘This looks new. Good grief, Alex, you haven’t gone and fallen in love, have you?’
Alex stared at the sky. It was very blue. He couldn’t let himself think about Lily. Della was freakishly psychic when it came to things like this. She’d pick the knowledge out of his brain if he gave her an opening.
‘And she’s not in love with you? Jesus. Well, I did always say you’d get a taste of your own medicine one day.’
‘Not helping, Della.’
Della smothered a laugh, and Alex glared at her. ‘Sorry! It’s just rather nice to have someone else’s tattered remains of a love life to deal with for a change. Come on now. Tell Auntie Dell all about it.’
Alex sighed, and tipped his head back again. The sky was much more peaceful than the real world. It was the exact same colour as the dress Lily had worn to Kerry’s wedding last week… He snapped his gaze forward. ‘Okay. I’ll tell you. But first… Do you think marriage changed you?’
The look she gave him was almost pitying, Alex thought. ‘Of course it did. But, Al, life changes you. I’d have changed over the last decade whether I was married or not. Being with Gareth just made sure that most of the changes were good ones.’
* * * *
Lily lingered at Tiger Lily later than she knew she should that night. Cora would be at home waiting for her, along with the other girls, all getting ready for a wild night out at the Bull and Frog to celebrate or commemorate the last week of Cora’s singledom. But after Edward’s visit… She’d just needed a little time to process.
Married. Well, if she’d ever had any doubts about whether she’d done the right thing, calling off the engagement, they were gone now. Maybe Edward hadn’t realized it when they were together, but he certainly did now. The smile on his face when he spoke of his new fiancée… it had been far too many years since he’d smiled like that for her.
She’d set him free to find the life he was meant
to have, and the person he was meant to be.
Which just left herself to sort out.
She needed to talk to Alex, even if she had no idea what to say. They’d both thrown horrible words and accusations at each other, that day in the dressing room. It wasn’t going to be easy to come back from that, but Lily knew they had to. Closure with Edward made that even clearer to her. She couldn’t live her life, however she wanted it to be, without setting things straight with Alex first.
The fling had been a bad idea, she knew that now. Alex had already been in the mind-set for settling down, even if she hadn’t fully believed that at the time. It was almost natural that he latch onto her as what he was looking for, even if she really wasn’t. Especially when things between them were so damn good.
Lily shook her head. It wasn’t about her, she realized that now. He thought he was in love with her, but the truth was he’d have probably fallen for the first woman he slept with after moving here. It was just time for him, like it seemed it was time for Edward. What other explanation was there for her ex-fiancé getting engaged to the first woman he met through some internet dating site?
Maybe she and Alex could be friends, eventually. The thought tugged at her heart until it ached, as she tried to imagine being “just friends” with Alex. Watching him live his perfect dream life without her. She rubbed a hand across her forehead to try and stall the headache developing there. She couldn’t have it both ways. Either she loved Alex and gave in to what he wanted, or she walked away and let him find it somewhere else.
If only she knew which of those options would make her least miserable in the long run.
Eventually, she couldn’t put off leaving any longer. Locking the door behind her, she headed across the courtyard. A glance across the way showed that Alex’s studio was already dark. He must have left early. Or maybe he never made it in at all that day. She didn’t know. It wasn’t her place to know, not any more.
The lights in the main Mill building were on, though, shining in the late summer sunshine as evening drew in. That strange time when it wasn’t yet dark, but wasn’t quite light enough, still.
Summer of Love Page 19
