“I’m going to Wisconsin,” she announced one morning as Cory straightened his tie in the bedroom mirror.
“What?” Cory asked distractedly. He didn’t think he’d heard her correctly.
“Wisconsin,” Jordan repeated. “I’m going there the first of next week.”
Cory knew he hadn’t misunderstood this time. He turned to face her, his tie askew, and caught the determined gleam in her eye. A part of him was glad to see her renewed spark. It had been absent for so long. “But why?” he asked.
“It’s where the orphanage is,” she stated in a matter of fact manner.
Realization dawned on Cory. Of course, he thought. She was going after their son.
“What do you hope to accomplish?” he asked gingerly, not wanting to upset her.
“I’m going to find out about our son. I want to make sure he’s healthy and happy and in good hands. Once I know he’s all right, I’m hoping we can move on.”
Cory understood. He only hoped that she could get the information she needed to have closure. His fears were that she could not, and he didn’t know what that would do to her already fragile state. “I’m going with you,” he insisted, not allowing argument.
Jordan nodded, and they went about their separate days.
The weekend came and went as Cory shuffled through his briefcase, trying to get ahead on paperwork so he could afford the day off with Jordan. Jordan bustled about the house, catching up on laundry and taking a couple of crisis calls from the shelter.
Monday morning found them both awake before dawn, listening to the other breath. Cory finally decided to speak, and he reached for her hand, knowing she had been awake for hours. “No matter what happens today,” Cory said, “he’s always going to be our son. No matter what we find out, he will always have people in this world who love him.”
Jordan shivered, recognizing his words as being nearly the same as she had spoken to their son on the day of his birth.
The drive took a little over two hours. Jordan wished they were already on the way home, and Cory felt her frayed nerves across the silence. He wondered if whatever they discovered would be enough for her.
She had made an appointment with the administrator, and his name told her that a different man now presided. She was grateful for a new face since she hoped to be as invisible as possible to anyone she had known years ago.
Stepping into the main hall, the memories flew back to Jordan as she heard voices echo up and down the corridor. The smell of the dusty library filled her nostrils, even though they were floors away from the old room. She remembered the adorable face of little Evan who had grown so near and dear to her in such a short time. As Cory nudged her into the main office, she reminded herself of the present mission. An assistant promptly showed them into the cramped office.
Alan Krum looked up from behind his tattered desk and stood when they entered. “Mr. and Mrs. James,” he greeted. “Welcome! Welcome! Please, make yourselves at home.”
Jordan wondered how they could feel at home in the cold metal folding chairs, one of which had an extreme dent in the seat, but she was glad to see the new administrator did not waste any of the orphanage money on frivolities.
“My assistant indicated that you didn’t specify your agenda for our meeting,” Krum said as he shook their hands heartily. “Are you here to look into adoption?” Krum had a hopeful look on his face, and Jordan liked the man immediately. She could tell he really had the children’s interest at the top of his list.
“I’m afraid not, Mr. Krum,” Cory said after the silence had permeated the room a few moments too long.
Picking up his cue, Jordan continued, “We’re actually here about a past adoption,” she ventured.
“I see,” Mr. Krum stated, rubbing a bald patch on his head. “Well, I’ll do what I can for you, but the laws and policies are pretty tight. Tell me some details about this adoption.”
Glancing at Cory, Jordan told Mr. Krum about her stay at the orphanage and the birth of a healthy boy with the dark hair and big eyes. “We don’t want to interfere in his life, sir. We just want to know that he’s well taken care of and happy, that’s all.”
Krum listened as he pillaged through one of many filing cabinets littering the room. His brow furrowed, he muttered to himself and he dug until he finally found a tattered folder. Jordan could see her name on the tab, but forced herself to look away when Krum swung his chair back toward them. “We have had this situation in the past, Mrs. James. I sympathize with you, but I’m going to be very upfront. You were young at the time, and you may not have fully understood the agreement you were signing. I understand that, but the reality of the policy is that I can’t go back and undo anything you signed. I see here,” he continued, squinting at the papers before him, “that you agreed to a semi-closed adoption.”
Cory looked at Jordan questioningly as she racked her brain trying to remember what that meant. Seeing her blank expression, Krum continued, “There’s good news and bad news for you here,” he explained. “The bad news is that I can’t tell you where your son is, how he’s doing, or who he’s with. The good news is that someday I may be able to do so.”
Jordan folded one hand over the other and squeezed nervously. What did all of this mean? Her mind raced.
“You see, Mrs. James, this particular adoption policy allows me to release details of each party involved, but only if both parties agree. I have a form you can sign saying that you agree to release your information to your son. It looks like he would be just under ten years old about now,” Krum added, veering from the topic at hand.
“So you can contact him to see if he wants to release his information?” Jordan asked hopefully.
Krum shook his head sadly, “I’m afraid not. The policy clearly states that the information can only be revealed if both parties actively seek its release. Meaning, I can only give you his information and vice versa if he comes to us like you did today. Frankly, ma’am, he may not even know he’s adopted at this point.”
Jordan paled. The trip was a lost cause. She was no closer to their son then she had been before they came. “Can you at least tell me if they kept his name?”
“I’m sorry, I really can’t,” he said, truly wishing he could bend the rules just this once for these fine people. Seeing her disappointment, Krum tried to lighten the mood, “You will have taken the first step, Mrs. James, by signing these forms,” he explained, pushing the papers across his desk in her direction. “The minute your son comes to us to sign a similar pair, you’ll have your information.”
Jordan scribbled her name by several Xs and slid the papers back to Mr. Krum.
“In the meantime, folks, I can tell you that your son is in a good home. I wasn’t here when he was born, but I have the utmost respect for my predecessor. As you may remember, he only placed children in the very best homes. He would allow nothing less than perfect parents.”
Jordan and Cory shook hands with Administrator Krum and entered the main hallway. Cory placed his arm around Jordan’s shoulders and drew her close, supporting her on the way out to the car. As they buckled their seat belts, he turned to her, expecting to see her face full of disappointment and vast sorrow.
“He’s okay,” she whispered. “He’s happy and safe.”
Cory nodded emphatically, “He’s with a great family. He probably has a big shaggy dog of his own and a best friend living right next door.”
Jordan smiled at this vision, “And someday, he’ll come back to us. We’ll know all we need to know as soon as he’s ready.”
Cory couldn’t believe how confident she sounded. He only hoped she was right and wouldn’t be disappointed if the years passed with no news from their son. He turned the key in the ignition and slid cheap sunglasses over his ears when he felt her hand on his arm. “It’s time for us to give our son a sibling to meet someday,” she said unexpectedly. Cory turned to her to see if she was serious. Her eyes were smiling with the joy she knew he was feeling. He
tucked her hair behind her ear and backed the car out of its parking space. He couldn’t wait to get home and begin the process.
* * * *
Jordan drifted toward the familiar voice until she could hear it clearly. Cory was speaking softly, and she strained to keep herself from the warm nothingness to hear as much as she could. At this moment, she preferred being cold if it meant hearing her husband’s voice.
“Jordan and I tried for a full year before anything came of it,” Cory said. “Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t mind trying,” he chuckled, “but we were really ready to welcome a child into our lives.”
Jordan remembered how they had “tried” for a baby every time they were both at home. They didn’t pay attention to her cycle or the best opportunities for fertilization. They just had a great time ravishing each other and hoped for the best. The best finally became a reality almost exactly a year after they began trying. Every time Jordan was even a day late, she took a home pregnancy test. Each time it had been negative, but she never gave up hope. The first test she took after they conceived was also negative, but a week later, when her period still had not arrived, she went to the doctor to see if there were other problems. “No problems,” her doctor advised seriously, “just a baby, that’s all.”
Jordan had been thrilled and had nearly kissed her doctor square on the lips in her excitement. She rushed to Cory’s law firm, bursting in on what looked like an important meeting. She didn’t even wait to pull him into the hallway before she blurted the news. “You’re going to be a dad!” she exclaimed as he stared at her in shock, his attention diverted from the clients at the conference table.
Forgetting his obligations, he had raced to Jordan, picking her up and swinging her around as the clients began applauding uncomfortably, trying to react properly to the situation. Cory couldn’t get home fast enough that night, and he treated Jordan like a queen from that moment forward. He took over the cooking and cleaning and barely let her lift a finger throughout her pregnancy.
“But I feel so helpless,” Jordan whined as Cory multi-tasked, cooking dinner and running a load of laundry all at once.
“You need your rest, Darling. You better get it now while you still can because when that baby comes, you’re going to look back at this time and wish you could rest like this!”
“You’re probably right,” Jordan agreed as she slumped onto the couch, watching Cory rush from one end of the kitchen to the other, knowing he wouldn’t let her help if she tried.
Jordan enjoyed every moment of those nine months. She thought of her first pregnancy often and compared her lonely feelings to her current situation, so full of love. She often wished she had told Cory about their son, but she still felt she had made the right decision. Had she told Cory, he would be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of his life, supporting her and a child. No, their son was better off with the wonderful family which had been ready to accept him into their lives. She only hoped she could be half the mother she imagined her son had, but she knew Cory would be a great father, most likely the best dad any child could ever have.
As the big day approached, Jordan shortened her hours at the shelter, working from home as much as possible. The pregnancy had gone well, but she was definitely more tired than last time. She remembered being in the orphanage, on her feet much of the day, spending time with the children, filing documents, and running errands. She couldn’t believe she’d done all that with the extra weight and stress on her pregnant body.
Cory enjoyed Jordan more with each passing day. He chuckled when she complained that she could no longer see her feet and constantly ran his hand across her belly. He wanted their child to know he was there, anxiously awaiting his or her birth.
“The morning the baby came,” Cory said with pride in his voice as Jay peered at Jordan’s stomach, covered with blankets, but obviously flat. “I nearly didn’t go to work. Jordan looked a little green around the gills. But she insisted that she was okay, so I drove to the office, only to have an urgent message waiting with my secretary--my wife was in labor, and I was to return home immediately.”
Jay smiled at the image. He was getting the feeling that Jordan was a very determined individual, but she had been humbled in this instance, going into labor just after pushing her husband out the door for work.
Jordan knew the minute the contractions started that something was different this time around. Last time, her water had broken, and she had simply pushed a few times. It had hurt. She didn’t deny that, but the labor had been relatively simple and straight forward. This time she noticed the sharp throbbing in her back as she doubled over with each contraction, urging Cory to hurry.
Nearly twenty minutes later, he burst into their house, finding her in a ball on the floor next to the door. Without question, he heaved his wife into his arms and carried her to the back seat of their car, forgetting the suitcase they had prepared and placed by the door. Managing the curvy road that led out of their area, he spoke soothing words to Jordan as he glanced at her in the rearview mirror. Her white face was a perfect contrast to her dark hair, and he almost thought her lips looked blue as she whimpered, making him push the accelerator further down to the floor.
Hospital personnel met them at the entrance since Jordan had called ahead to warn her doctor. They carted her away in a wheelchair at lightening speed, and Cory stayed at her side, never letting her hand leave his.
Jordan knew something was wrong as the labor progressed and only intensified. Each time her doctor examined her, Jordan tried to express her intuition, but he soothed her quietly and told her he would be back to check on her in a little while. When his examination showed what he wanted, he told her it was about time to begin the real work. He felt her abdomen carefully, a sudden frown revealing his displeasure. The baby was upside down. As he whispered to nurses in the room, Jordan pleaded to know what was going on, and Cory begged her to stay calm.
The doctor explained that everything was fine, but that the child had not turned into the proper position. They were going to have to remove the baby surgically.
Cory nearly passed out when he realized the doctor was going to perform a cesarean section. He knew he wouldn’t be able to watch, so he stayed at Jordan’s head and whispered lovingly to her as they prepared for the procedure. Jordan didn’t feel much once the doctor began the operation. She kept asking Cory for updates, but he couldn’t bring himself to peek below the curtain carefully placed under her chest. So together they waited, hands entwined and eyes locked, until they heard a shrill cry.
“It’s a girl!” the doctor exclaimed happily. The procedure had not gone smoothly. There were several complications, but he was thrilled that the child looked healthy and had a strong set of lungs. Nurses swooped down on the baby upon the doctor’s nod to wash and wrap her warmly.
Jordan and Cory had taken their eyes from each other for the first time all afternoon, and now they bore into the back of the nurse as they waited to hold their baby. When the nurse finally placed the swaddled newborn in Jordan’s arms, their eyes filled with tears. She was red and a bit prune-like as most babies are, but she was perfect. They counted her fingers together as she revealed her bright blue eyes, so much like her mother’s. Cory stroked her fine dark hair and then moved his hand to Jordan’s locks. He couldn’t decide which girl he was more proud of and relented to the fact that his heart was about to burst with love for the two of them.
“Little Ellison Jean,” Jordan whispered as Cory realized that was not a name they had on their list of possibilities. But she looked like an Ellison, and he knew Jordan had chosen the name because of the child’s appearance.
“I think I’ll call her EJ,” Cory decided.
“How about Ellie?” Jordan suggested, and Cory tilted his head in agreement, knowing he would call her EJ despite Jordan’s protests.
Jordan tried to smile as she listened to the loving way Cory spoke about “his EJ.” She had always hated the nickname, but Ellison loved it as well a
s everything else her daddy said to her. She pictured their child as Cory described her silver dollar sized eyes, stick straight dark hair, and mischievous expressions. She had been the light of their life. Jordan attempted to open her eyes to view the pride Cory was undoubtedly shining with as he spoke. Again, she failed and became disappointed with her efforts. Each time she tried and failed, she became more frustrated. Just when Jordan was ready to give up, Cory’s voice would strengthen her will to move and to live. Exhaustion overwhelmed her as she gave in once again to the warmth, and the bright light washed over the backs of her eye lids. She was desperate to listen to his reminiscent thoughts, but she could resist the pull back into herself no longer.
Jay followed Cory into the hall. They both needed the jolt a hot cup of coffee could provide. “EJ was the center of our existence, and she grew like a weed,” Cory continued. “We couldn’t believe how much we loved her, and we really couldn’t believe how fast she learned. From the moment she could talk, she repeated everything we said. In fact, one afternoon Jordan sneezed loudly, sort of a strange sneeze, sounded something like “achooie.” From that point on EJ would tell everyone who sneezed, friend or stranger--that her mommy said ‘achooie’,” Cory chuckled at the memory as Jay smiled, looking forward to having a child as precious as Ellison.
“When she was four years old,” Cory continued, “she started feeling sick all of the time. She had awful headaches. She would beg Jordan and me to put band-aids on her head to take away the pain. We knew that wouldn’t work, but we did it anyway because she liked the cartoon characters on the bandages, and it took her mind off the aching for a few minutes. We took her to the doctor as soon as we realized her illness wasn’t passing as we had hoped. The doctor put Ellison through a battery of tests, and then recommended other doctors who put her through more tests. She didn’t understand any of it, but she was a trooper. She trusted us so fully that she didn’t even complain about being away from home. The specialists finally determined that she had leukemia which had probably been festering in her for some time. Her symptoms had just appeared, but the disease had been growing for months. We got second and third opinions, but all of the doctors recommended we make her as comfortable as possible and not proceed with any treatment which would only make her miserable and prolong her life very little. Jordan and I took EJ home, and six short months later she was gone.”
Someone Always Loved You Page 15
