“That sounds so simple.”
He settled back. “It is. I am, to be honest, surprised that no one has taught you this before. I would have thought Ethan, especially, would have shown you how by now. He is supposed to be protecting you.”
I mulled this over, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “So all I have to do I think about not sharing my thoughts and poof! They can’t hear me?”
“Pretty much. It takes a little more practice but, yes.”
“Why the hell would they have let this go on so long? Why couldn’t they have taken the time to explain how simple it all was?” Angry didn’t begin to describe what I felt. I felt like they didn’t trust me, like they didn’t want me to have that control.
“My opinion?”
“Yeah.”
“They don’t trust you.” His words echoed exactly what I was feeling. “Since they don’t know where your loyalty lies, at least not for certain, they allowed you to go on shouting every thought from the rooftops. They could control your moods and feelings that way. They don’t want you to control that part of you.”
Nervous energy found me as I bounced my knee, trying to understand. “So I’m basically a pariah; that’s what you’re telling me?”
“I think pariah is too strong a word. You’re not an outcast. They very much want you in their circle, to lead them. But none of them are completely comfortable with either the decisions you’ve made or the manner in which you carry them out.”
“Decisions? Like allowing Sebastian to get away? Like allowing Lucas to live?”
“There’s that and the fact that they think you choose to allow yourself to separate.”
“I have no control over that!” He watched me pace the living room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was enjoying my torment. “Why are you smiling? You’ve basically just told me my friends think I’m a nut job and don’t trust me. How am I supposed to defeat Sebastian and retrieve that stupid box if I don’t have people behind me who believe in me?”
“They believe in you. They just don’t know what to do with you. Come, sit down. Pacing and biting your fingernails to the quick won’t help you.”
I curled up in his lap and he resumed stroking my hair. “How do I control that? How do I keep it all inside of me? I know I can’t beat Sebastian with light. I need to be able to allow darkness to consume me without it actually taking over.”
“About that…”
He seemed to be lost in thought. “What?” Is he going to be able to help me?
“I can help you, Samantha. It’s just that, well, it’s not going to be pleasant.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you separate the two, you’re generally out of control for a reason.”
“I get angry.”
“It’s more than anger. It’s pain. It’s despair. It’s rage.”
“So you have to hurt me.” I contemplated what he’d have to do or say to get me to the breaking point. He was right. It wasn’t going to be pleasant.
“Yes, but not just me. I’ll need to enlist the help of the others. They won’t want to do it. They won’t want to hurt you, but it’s a necessity if you’re going to be able to remain whole. We can’t have you divided when you meet Sebastian again.”
“What’s strange is that I wasn’t divided, as you say, when he and I last met. I knew that I had to be focused. Why am I so volatile now? What makes this time so different?”
“He’s done more damage. Not only did he kill your father but he took Lucas and killed Malena. The relationship between you and Ethan is brittle. He’s angrier now. Before, it was a game. Now it’s personal.”
Chewing my lip distractedly, I thought of what tomorrow would bring. I wondered if my father was one of them now. If he was one of Sebastian’s foul minions! I wondered if and when I’d face Jesse, Scott and Malena again. I did know, however, that when we came face to face, I’d have to take the personal out of it and kill them as I had the other Exiled.
He broke me free of my thoughts when he grabbed my face and kissed me. The kiss warmed me from my toes to my ears. It was a kiss that poured need, lust, and greed into my soul. With his hands tangled in my hair, he drew me in deeper, barely satiating a hunger for him that bloomed inside me. He pulled away abruptly, my lips burning with memories the instant we parted.
“What was that for?”
“Practice.”
“Practice?”
He stood and faced me. “Yes. Dinner is ready and the kitchen will be crowded. I want you to keep that kiss to yourself. I want you to think about it, remember it, crave it but I want you to keep it from the others.”
My fingers grazed my lips and I closed my eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
He smiled and reached for my hand. “That kiss was between us. Keep it that way.”
***
Dinner was somber, all eyes avoiding the now empty seat once occupied by Malena. Other than Branna’s stifled sobs between bites of pasta, the table was quiet. Ethan sat rigid, refusing to make eye contact with me. Christian and Mara often reached for the other’s hand. Noah pushed food around his plate. Cal inhaled his food at an alarming rate, serving himself thirds before I was even halfway done with my first helping. Damien sat quietly contemplating the others, slowly sipping his water. I was secretly grateful for the mood. It gave me a reason to focus on the task at hand.
It was much easier to concentrate on hiding my thoughts from the others when I wasn’t being barraged with a million questions of what we going to do next, of wondering aloud where Sebastian was, of what his next move was going to be. Instead, I was able to avoid all conversations simply because there weren’t any. Any flush that crept into my cheeks could have been attributed to sadness at Malena’s sudden demise. Any instance of me closing my eyes tightly or staring into my lap could have been blamed on my being overcome with grief. Goosebumps that littered my arms and the small shivers that made me jump slightly could not have been the result, to anyone in the room, of Damien randomly reaching under the table to squeeze my knees.
It was the longest meal in history. The clink of forks on plates, the placement of glasses and bowls – the sound would have been almost deafening were it not for the fact that I was preoccupied with keeping my thoughts from them. Branna had decided it was all too much halfway through and bolted out of the kitchen, tears running down her face. Mara went after her, followed by Christian. Noah got up, threw his plate into the sink and headed out the back door. Cal leaned back, after finally clearing his plate of his fourth helping of spaghetti.
“Well, I guess it’s just us. Who’s gonna do the dishes?”
I almost choked on my food. The sound of his voice threatened to break down the walls I’d built over the course of the meal.
“Ahh, umm…”
“We’ll do it.” Obviously noticing the strain that the thought of actually speaking was causing, Damien swooped in and saved me from stuttering my way into embarrassment. Or worse – letting Cal in on my thoughts.
Cal eyed Damien as he began clearing the dishes. I felt a buzz of electricity fill the room. “You’re so, normal.”
Ethan mumbled something I didn’t catch and stomped out of the room.
Pausing a minute, Damien continued to the sink. “Normal as compared to what?”
“The evil bastard I know lives beneath the gilded exterior.”
“Interesting appraisal.”
“Why are you here? I mean, why are you really here?” He twirled a butter knife through his fingers.
I breathed in sharply, trying to quash what grew inside me. Cal’s view of Damien more than bothered me. I pictured a sword through his chest before I was able to push the thought away.
Seemingly untroubled by Cal’s words, Damien began washing the dishes by hand instead of placing them in the dishwasher. I wasn’t sure if it was to keep his hands busy or his attention focused on something mundane enough to calm him. But I could see fury build in his strong shoulders.
“I am here to help destroy Sebastian and help Samantha retrieve the box. Avenge her father’s death. Train her to do these things. Train her to do the things you’ve all neglected to teach her.”
Leaning back in his chair, Cal asked as he pointed the tip of the dull knife in Damien’s direction. “What’s in it for you?”
“Cal!” He disregarded the annoyance in my voice.
“Honestly? I’d like to live in a Sebastian-free world. I am tired of his ways. I am tired of him doing as he pleases and using my face as the reason for fear.”
“So you want to live in a peaceful, fearless, hopeful world? As we do?”
Turning to face him, Damien smiled wickedly. “I didn’t say that.”
“So you’ll continue to exploit the free will of humans? By offering them alternate choices?”
“If that is how you see it. I see it as cultivating and encouraging the free will God has afforded them. Hope can’t live without a little despair.”
“But didn’t you take that away from them when you tricked Eve into eating the apple?”
Damien’s laugh was dangerously on edge. “Ah. I see. You think I did everyone a disservice. Did you ever stop to think God had put limitations on their freedoms? By not allowing them to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, he was essentially denying them just that. Knowledge. True freedom. Choice. Free will undefined.” He commanded the room and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. “You all sit here with smug looks on your faces, uneducated. You talk of history, of the beginning like you were all there. I am here to tell you you’ve been deceived. My existence may make your stomach churn; my words may make your blood boil, but that is nothing compare to the lifetimes I’ve spent in service of a God who was quick to dismiss me, cast me out of Heaven for opening the eyes of the masses. He used me; He used them and He is using you. So, by all means, fight for what you think is right, fight for a legend that has no basis in reality, fight me in an attempt to right a wronged world. Do whatever it is you need to do to help you sleep at night. But don’t ever question me or my intentions. I do what is right for me. After years of alleviating the pain of others, I continue to do what I was made to do. And if, at times, I ask for something in return, so be it. Don’t talk like you’ve never requested or expected something in return for what you deem to be a good deed.”
With every word I grew closer to him, I saw what he saw. Cal, on the other hand, snorted his disbelief. “Samantha, if you’re buying into this shit, then you’re just as fucked up as he is. For your sake, for all our sakes, take off the blinders and see him for who and what he really is. A snake.”
He threw his napkin on the table and walked out, shaking his head.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? You didn’t do anything, Samantha. Cal is set in his ways. He’s an old angel, an old Faithful, who has taken his teachings to heart. And besides, I do love a good debate once in a while. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to pose my views aloud.”
“It wasn’t much of a debate. It’s not like he was able to refute anything you were saying.”
Why can’t I stop staring at him?
“True. Still, I think you need to be careful of him. His distrust of you rings louder than the others.”
I reached out and touch him arm, electricity sending shockwaves through me.
“Cal knew my father. He’d never turn against me.”
He brushed his lips across my neck.
“Memories fade, Samantha. Allegiances change hands. People make deals hoping to save others. A desperate man doesn’t have much of a thought process.”
When he kissed me, I knew what he said was true.
Chapter 15
After a night of tossing and turning, of nightmares about death, spindly wings, putrid creatures, snakes and apples, Mara decided that we needed to get out and find a bit of normalcy. She, Branna and I let the others to fend for themselves and drove into town. Damien wasn’t happy about the change of plans as he had hoped to continue my training. But truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to it and was happy for the delay.
Damien sat on the edge of my bed as I rooted around my room. “Samantha, we don’t really have time for this. You need this training. We don’t know when or where we will meet Sebastian but I’d rather you were prepared.” His voice was low and there was a warning hidden between his words.
I glanced toward him. “I have to do this. Branna needs it, too. You have to remember, prior to all this, I was preparing for my prom, doing my homework, shopping with my friends. One day of going back to that won’t hurt anything. Where the hell is my other sneaker?” He shook his head in protest and held it up. I snatched it from him and continued. “Look, we’ll be careful. We’ll only be gone a short while and we can train tomorrow, I promise. Just let me do this. Branna needs this. I need this.”
Grabbing my hand in his as I walked past, he was reticent. “I don’t like it. At least, if you don’t want me with you, bring Cal or Noah or one of the others.”
“No, Branna, Mara and I are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves. Besides, what’s gonna happen? I’m going to be attacked by sweatpants and sneakers?” I shoved my wallet and iPod into a purse I didn’t even know I had. “Blouses and jeans? The sandwich I plan on having for lunch? It’s a tourist town. Ski season is beginning and there will be people everywhere. No way Sebastian will try anything.” I looked out the window and noticed it had begun to snow. I threw my sneakers back into my closet, opting for boots instead. I sat on the bed, pulled them on and tied the laces. When I stood, I reached for his hands and pulled him up.
“You don’t know him.” He wrapped a scarf around my neck and placed my hat on my head.
“I think I do. I’m going whether or not you like it.”
Planting a quick kiss on my forehead, he pulled me into a hug. “Fine. Just be careful.”
When he stepped away, I noticed Ethan standing in my doorway, hands in his pockets, head hung low. “Ethan.”
Instead of answering me, he walked away, silently. Damien’s eyes smiled. I shook it off when Mara told me it was time to go. Another quick kiss, this time with hunger gracing my lips, told me Damien was eager for me to return.
Still feeling the urgency of his lips on mine, I got into the backseat of the car. Mara was in the driver’s seat and we watched as Branna made her way to us, opened the door and settled silently into the passenger seat.
***
“What do you want to do first?” Mara visibly relaxed as we got out of the car.
“I need a belt. This one’s getting too big.”
“You have lost some weight.” Mara frowned. “Branna, what do you want to do?”
She shrugged her shoulders and Mara responded. “Belt it is. Let’s go.” She slipped her arm into Branna’s and led her down the street with me following steps behind, taking in the people milling about with bags and families, skis and smiles. It hit me, what I’d been missing these past few months, smiles and happiness. I breathed in deeply, hoping to feel some of what these ordinary people were feeling. What I wouldn’t have given to feel that content. I started listening to their thoughts.
A woman in a shop -“Danny is gonna love this shirt.”
A young boy holding his father’s hand - “I hope daddy lets me ski down by myself today.”
An elderly man walking behind his equally elderly wife - “I’m starving. When are we going to eat?”
A pretty girl strolling down the street - “Got the dress. Now I need the shoes.”
A mother walking with her two young children - “Oh my God. I can’t believe this. How the hell can I be two weeks late?”
Such normal, mundane thoughts. There was no wondering if, or when, someone was going to kill them. No thinking about death and rage and control. Even the woman who was late had happiness weaving in and out of her anxiety. I was pulled into them, lost in my own world when I heard Mara.
“Sam. In here.”
&nbs
p; Her face was puzzled and I smiled. “Oops. Sorry. I was distracted.”
“By what?” With her hands on her hips, she smiled.
I waved my arm toward the street. “These people. Their thoughts are so normal. So, ordinary.”
“I know. It’s great, isn’t it? Now get in here and let’s find you a belt. When we’re done, I need a new jacket. This one is old and definitely not in style anymore.”
She was giddy as she pulled me into the store. The smells of leather, snow and the sales girl’s perfume mingled into heaven. It was definitely what I’d been missing.
For hours we went from shop to shop trying on everything we could find, giggling and laughing and sharing - anything to get our minds off the sadness of Malena’s death and the imminent showdown with Sebastian. It was the most relaxed I’d been in a long time. Even Branna began to come out of her funk to join in the fun. She popped out of a dressing room in the most gorgeous emerald green gown that she had absolutely no use for.
“You should buy it.”
She looked at me like I’d lost my marbles, and maybe I had. “Why on earth would I buy this dress? I’ll never wear it.”
“So what?” Mara chimed in. “You look fabulous, and you know it. Buy it; wear it when you’re alone in your room or save it for something.”
“Something?” Her eyes lit up and I knew she was considering it. “But I don’t have any shoes to match. I’m certain my boots won’t be quite the thing for this dress.” She lifted up the hem of the dress and flashed her white snow boots in our direction.
I laughed for the first time in a long time. “Why on earth are you trying on dresses with your boots on?”
I was met with a sheepish shrug and a hundred-kilowatt smile.
“Let’s go get you some shoes, then.” Mara’s excitement was contagious. Branna agreed, purchased the dress and we walked down the street to the shoe store. That’s when I saw him.
Standing with his arms outstretched, reaching for me, a smirk on his face and fire in his eyes, was Sebastian. I couldn’t pinpoint him. Every time I blinked, he was somewhere else, playing hopscotch in the crowd. I froze and tensed.
Darkness Betrayed (Torn) Page 10
