The only time I saw her angry was the first night she told me how she’d rescued her dog Jock from her neighbours. Her face darkened with fury when she spoke about it.
‘My neighbours were these young guys, renting in Sydney for the first time. They said they’d bought a German shepherd to protect the house.
‘They didn’t know the first thing about dogs and didn’t try to find out either. They obviously didn’t care about Jock at all. They locked him up for hours without food or water. He developed a skin disease for one thing and I could hear yelps and whines so I knew they were beating him. I got so mad one day when I heard one of them kicking Jock that I climbed on the back fence and threatened to call the police, the RSPCA, and my boyfriend. I must have impressed them because we talked after that, and when I said I wanted to take the dog, they didn’t make that much of a fuss. They were going on an overseas trip anyway.
‘You’ll never guess what those brats had called him,’ she continued, ‘Georgio Armani, after the expensive suits they liked to wear. How disgusting! Poor old Georgio Armani with spots!’
I laughed at this and then realised it had been a long time since I’d laughed at anything.
‘Zoë would like that,’ I said, and found myself telling Tatania about my best friend. And then more about me and a bit about life at home with Graham and Marcus. I even talked about the black, black mood that had descended on me and wouldn’t seem to lift.
One morning, about two weeks after I’d been in hospital, Tatania asked if I’d let her help me answer some important questions about myself, questions I’d refused to answer earlier. I agreed, even though I felt listless. I wasn’t really interested but because of Tatania I tried to be totally honest.
‘Are you frequently depressed?’ ‘Yes.’
‘Are you into alcohol or drugs or both?’ ‘No.’
‘Do you have high standards at school?’ ‘Yes.’
‘Do you suffer mood swings?’ ‘I guess so.’
‘Do you believe being thin will make you happy?’ ‘Hopefully.’
‘Do you exercise obsessively?’ ‘I guess so.’
‘Do you weigh yourself more than once a week?’ ‘Yes.’
‘Do you respect your body?’ ‘No. What’s to respect?’
‘Would you panic if you put on weight?’ ‘Of course.’
‘Do you feel guilty after eating?’ ‘Most of the time.’
‘Do you binge and purge?’ ‘Not really.’
14
Tatania worked most nights and she usually had a Jock story to tell me. Gradually my black mood lifted and I started to eat a bit during the day without my usual repulsion. I tried to cooperate in group therapy, too, but I knew Tatania was the best therapy and I was really just waiting for her shift to start.
One night, Tatania came in a bit late and I knew straightaway that something was wrong. Apparently her landlord had seen Jock and said Tatania had to move if she wanted to keep him, because there was a ‘no pets’ clause in the lease and the yard certainly wasn’t big enough for a German shepherd. She couldn’t afford a house with a big garden, let alone the expense of moving house again.
‘I’m searching for a good owner for Jock,’ she said, looking anxious. I told her I’d volunteer if I could but Graham has asthma and no pets are allowed in or near our house.
I was really worried for Tatania and Jock. And it felt good to care about something other than my own problems. Looking back, I can see it was a turning point for me. Tatania seemed to trust me and that made it even easier to talk to her, and to listen to her advice. She never patronised me when she talked to me about my eating problems; she just made logical suggestions and told me it was okay to ask for help when I needed it.
One day, I found myself telling her about the whole Aronda affair. She made me realise it was Aronda who had the problem, not me.
‘She sounds so manipulative this so-called cousin. And you’ve never heard from her again? Well, there you go, what you imagined about being used by her is quite true. And you worked that out for yourself. Good on you!’
‘With a bit of help from Zoë,’ I admitted.
‘You miss Zoë, don’t you? You want to get out of here, back to Zoë and your friends, right?’
‘Yes,’ I found myself saying. ‘I guess I do. But I knew I had to get my weight up a few kilos before that would happen; the doctors had been adamant about that. Maybe it was time for me to try harder. Tatania seemed to believe I could do it.
‘You need to reach deep inside for some of that strength that I know you have, Diana. You can change the ideas you have about yourself. You are the one who has the power to get yourself well. A big part of getting well is seeing the difference between what’s in your head and who you really are,’ she said. ‘Your head might be saying, I’m fat, I’m a loser, whatever, but you are a worthwhile person, Diana. A precious person. You are. Everyone is. And you know in your heart of hearts you believe this. So your body is precious, something to take care of, not to punish. In your heart of hearts there’s a person who wants to be well and to be happy. You can find the path to both of these.’
I’d been given pep talks before, but something about Tatania’s struck a chord and I knew what she was saying was right. When I realised this, I just wanted to cry. Instead, I told Tatania about my writing and how I hoped to be a journalist or a novelist when I grew up. And once I started talking I couldn’t stop. I told her all about the Diana interview stuff-up and then about The Diana Papers. She didn’t laugh or tell me I was a fool for believing the Princess would be interested enough to write back to a kid from Australia. Best of all, she didn’t use it as an excuse to give me a lecture about Princess Di’s bulimia.
‘When did you last write to the Princess, Di?’
‘Just once after the interview disaster. I feel too bad about the whole thing now and I don’t seem to have any more to say.’
‘Well, this is a new time in your life, Di. I think it would really help if you wrote to Princess Di about what you’re going through now. She’d be one person, princess or not, who’d understand a lot of what you’re feeling.’
So, for the first time in weeks, I thought I might write in The Diana Papers again and if I did, I’d tell Princess Di about Tatania and Jock. Tatania loved this idea.
‘He’s a royal dog,’ she said, ‘so why not a royal person reading about him? Hey, maybe Princess Di would like to adopt Jock? Would you mind asking her?’ We both burst out laughing.
When we’d calmed down Tatania said she’d call Babs and ask her to bring The Diana Papers to the hospital right away. And before she left, she told me that lots of girls don’t face up to having anorexia. Admitting I had a problem was the first big step. She said I was wonderful because I’d admitted to it so readily and that was half the battle. She made me feel so strong, especially when she told me she admired me for this.
Admired me! Admired! I had to turn away when she said this because I don’t think anyone has said anything like that to me in a long, long time. Admired. I don’t think I’m too admirable, but Tatania made me feel I was.
I turned away because I felt I was going to cry. Tatania touched my shoulder but didn’t make a fuss; she just kept rambling on about something, probably Jock. I tried to compose myself as I pretended to be rummaging in a drawer for pen and paper, as if I was going to begin writing straightaway.
15
Dear Princess Diana,
Zoë brought me a picture of you hugging a little African boy. He looked so ill and I wanted to hug him too. And you! You didn’t look super-glamorous like you usually do, and not one bit posed. Just motherly and really loving, it shows in your eyes.
I’m in hospital right now because of my eating disorder but I’m getting better. I’m finding my own path, as my favourite nurse here, Tatania, would say.
I have a feeling you’ve forgiven me for that awful business with the fake interview—I hope so—anyway let’s not go there again.
I sp
end a lot of my time in hospital talking and I think I’m also starting to listen a bit more than I used to. Tatania’s told me all sorts of things about my sickness. She says that anorexia is not uncommon and that one in a hundred women will suffer from it at some time in their lives. That’s a lot! Especially when you think that in a school of 600 like mine, that’d be six girls at least.
Tatania reckons our society is obsessed with super thinness. Not fitness but thinness. It reminds me of my mum’s trainer, Rhonnie, who used to say, ‘Remember fitness not fatness! Concentrate on fitness,’ over and over like a mantra.
Yesterday Tatania told me that boys suffer from eating disorders too. Apparently a lot of boys are worried about looking pumped up and fit.
I can’t imagine it, especially when I think of Zoë’s boyfriend Jason and his friends pigging out at Macca’s most afternoons, but I believe Tatania because she’s so straight about everything.
I’ve never listened to this kind of thing from the doctors who’ve told me, I suppose because I just wasn’t interested. But Tatania says it’s good to know a lot about your own body and mind and to be aware of the society we live in.
‘A lot of people think that being fat goes with laziness and lack of willpower,’ Tatania said.
I had to admit that I had a bit of that attitude myself. I was shocked when Tatania said that often it’s not laziness but repeated dieting that can lead to weight gain!
‘No more eating one apple in small bits so that it lasts all day, Di! You know you have to eat sensibly. You know you’ve been feeling so weak and listless because your electrolyte balance is all out. And I know you’re having visitors now. No-one’s bringing you diet pills or anything are they?’
Sometimes even Tatania makes me feel defensive and that’s when I switch the talk to my favourite topic. Her dog, Jock, and what she was going to do with him.
Tatania soon learned it’s hard to find a home for a dog as big as Jock. Luckily, there’s a woman who does some part-time work at the hospital who has two kids and a big untidy garden. She saw the ad that Tatania posted and it turns out she loves German shepherds and had been looking for a ‘wussy’ dog like Jock for her kids. Even though it broke Tatania’s heart to see Jock go, she knows it’s the best thing for him.
I’m the one who’s had to do the comforting for a change because Tatania gets teary just talking about Jock. The night the new family came to get him was pretty traumatic for Tatania. She said the house feels empty and the yard seems tiny without Jock’s big body stretched out in it. She told me she phones up the new owners for Jock Bulletins—she needs to know what he’s eaten, where he’s slept, how the kids are getting on with him and if he seems happy.
Zoë’s been coming to see me this week. I must be way better because we’ve got so much to talk about again. Not like on the phone a few weeks back when she’d call and I couldn’t think of much to say. She’s having a few problems with her boyfriend Jason. And for the first time I think I kind of helped her!
Not that I’ve ever had any experience with guys, but God knows I’ve read lots and lots of romance novels and love poems. And my mum used to talk pretty openly about all that stuff. So does Babs for that matter. Zoë said it was a relief to be talking to me ‘normally’ again after all the fuss at school over the interview. And for the first time we laughed a little about how ridiculous it was that such a small lie turned into such a huge mess. Then we couldn’t stop. We laughed so much one of the nurses came in to tell us to tone it down because we were disturbing the other patients!
When we finally calmed down Zoë told me there’s no-one else, not even her mum, who she can talk to in the way that she can to me. I just hope that you also have a real friend like this, Princess Di.
Zoë gave me such a big hug before she left, it hurt. But it was a good hurt because it felt like something was mended. It must have been a good-news day because after Zoë left my doctor told me I could go home at the end of the week. I’m happy but just a bit frightened too. I’ve been given this contract about food and exercising and I really want to stick to it. I think I can.
With all my love,
Diana Moore
PS. Of course you know that Diana is a goddess’s name, don’t you? Well, how about this bit of trivia? Zoë was bored in an English class one day and the only thing she could find to read was the Companion to Classical Literature. It didn’t have an entry for ‘Zoë’ so for fun she looked up the word ‘trivia’ and it said, ‘See Diana’.
She copied out the Diana passage and couldn’t wait to show it to me:
From her association with Artemis, Diana took over the character of Moon Goddess; and since Hecate was sometimes associated with Artemis, of an Earth Goddess. She had the cult title of TRIVIA from being worshipped like Hecate at the crossroads.
More trivia is that Artemis was the goddess of wildlife, childbirth and all young things—as well as being associated with the moon. I like that a lot. And Hecate, who I thought was just to do with witches, is the queen of ghosts and is associated with the night. Long ago they made images of her at crossroads to scare away evil!
All this under ‘See Diana’!
16
Coming home was hard. I’d been in hospital for two months and by the end I felt comfortable there. I dreaded seeing Marcus even though poor old Graham had promised that he’d ‘see to it’ that things would be much better between us. As if! I thought, but I was grateful he was trying.
Tatania had promised to write to me every now and then if I wrote back. Her first letter did me a lot of good. It was about the kids at the hospital and, of course, a lot about Jock and his new family. She told me the two little boys in the family were bonding with Jock big time. He walked to school with the eldest boy and was there waiting on the doormat when he arrived home. The youngest boy was scared at first but then ended up riding Jock around the yard. Apparently Jock has even worked out how to open the car door! What a smart dog! But Tatania’s next letter, which arrived only a week later, wasn’t quite so cheerful.
Turns out the new family had to move suddenly and their new house didn’t have a yard big enough for a dog. The woman had turned up on Tatania’s doorstep with Jock (even though she’d agreed to take him) and literally dumped him. Poor Jock the Boomerang.
‘Can you love a dog too much?’ Tatania wrote, as if I’d know the answer. I know about the other side, of loving too little. She was a bit frightened to advertise for a new owner in case a nutter or someone cruel responded.
I wasn’t missing hospital but I was missing Tatania. I loved it that she thought I could help solve her Jock problem, that she trusted my judgment. Come to think of it, I loved the idea that I could help anyone with any problem at all!
I was worried about going back to school but the fake interview was old news and kids were talking to me again. Naturally enough, there were a few bully girls who had a go at me, hissing ‘anorexic’ or ‘skeletor’ at me as I passed by. But man, did Zoë have a go at anyone she heard teasing me! And Selma and Saji were fierce in their defence of me, too. They all made me feel stronger.
Then in English a couple of girls asked me for help with their Journalism assignment and that made me feel really good. Up to that moment at school I’d thought I was only interesting by association, as an appendage to Zoë. But these girls didn’t have much to say to Zoë, yet they had heaps to talk to me about.
Zoë, in the meantime, was becoming more of a star. Even some of the teachers (not Miss Pate) made good-natured jokes about the whole interview affair. Plus there was the admiring group of boys at the bus stop every day.
‘Why are you my friend Zoë?’ I couldn’t help asking her one afternoon as our bus approached and her admirers dispersed.
‘Because you’re such a dag,’ she said, throwing her arm around my shoulders and grinning at me.
Maybe that was the truth, I thought, as the bus trundled towards Bondi Beach. I’m the fall guy, sidekick, servant girl, page girl, weirdo, lo
ser! Actually, maybe that wasn’t true. I guess I had to have something going for me if I was important to Zoë, I reasoned, remembering Tatania’s advice. She was always telling me to focus more on the positive.
Maybe life was really beginning to look up. Not only were the kids at school talking to me again, but I got asked out on a date! Seb Johnson invited me to go to the End of Year dance with him! The dance was the hot topic at school, no matter what class you were in. Who was asking whom? Who was wearing what? I’d never been to a school dance. No-one had ever asked me and I hadn’t had the guts to ask anyone. Even though lots of girls go by themselves, I couldn’t face the idea of being the loner among the happy couples. I’d always been scared that compared to everyone else I’d look—hang on, I’d promised not to say the words fat or ugly about myself ever again. But let’s say I knew I wouldn’t be a star so it had always been easier not to go. Then out of the blue Seb invited me. I wondered if Zoë had put him up to it because he’d only ever said hello to me before. But she swore she had absolutely nothing to do with it and she was so serious I had to believe her.
This is how it happened. We were at the bus stop and Zoë was surrounded by the usual group of boys. Seb came and stood beside me. He seemed really shy and nervous but he just came right out with it.
‘Di, I’m going to the dance and wondered if you’d like to …? He spoke so softly and everyone around us was talking loudly so at first I thought I hadn’t heard right.
‘… wondered if you’d like to come with me. That is if you aren’t already going with …’
‘Oh no, Seb, I mean yes that’d be great. I mean … yes.’ I felt myself blushing right up to the roots of my hair.
He flashed what seemed to be a relieved smile at me and then he didn’t say another word. I couldn’t stop grinning when we got on the bus and Zoë guessed what was up straightaway.
Letters to a Princess Page 8
