“Can I get you something to eat and we can talk?” Pausing, I watched Brendan war with what to do. “I promise. We’ll eat and talk, but I won’t lie. I have to go to the cops.”
Brendan’s leg bounced with nervousness, causing a smirk to pull at my lips. “What’s so funny?” he snapped defensively.
“Nothing,” I smiled some more at his sharp attitude. “You just remind me of someone I know.”
“I understand. About the cops, I mean.” Brendan twisted his hands into knots in his lap. No matter what thoughts ran through my head, I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head. “You probably think I was a fool for running away and thinking I wouldn’t be caught.”
It wasn’t lost on me that he said, “caught” instead of “found.” More than anything I wish I could go back in time and change that logic for him. No child should ever feel like they’ve got nowhere to go; yet I was surrounded by two people running from the same tragic circumstances.
Echoing what Liam had told me when I left my job with my father, I said, “Running away is never the easy choice.” Keeping my eyes trained on the busy parking lot, I added, “It means you must have had a really good reason for doing so and you were brave enough to do something about it.”
Brendan laughed and I swear if I didn’t already know it was him sitting next to me, I would have thought it was Liam. The similarities between the two were so striking I couldn’t imagine what it felt like as a parent to see your younger son become the son you’d thought you’d lost so many years ago. That was when the implications of this whole situation came barreling into me like some kind of freak runaway train.
“You can’t possibly be encouraging a teenager to run away from home?” A poking kind of sarcasm clung to his words and I knew I was making some headway in getting Brendan to relax around me. “Isn’t there some class you have to take as a lawyer about having to follow the rules and do things the right way?”
“Sure there is. There are tons of them actually.” Leaning back in the bench, I crossed my arms over my chest. “But as long as you promise not to run,” I said, peering at him from the corner of my eye. “I can bend the rules just slightly this time.” Quickly, I added, “We’re going to have to call them and let them know you’re safe, though. Don’t you think your parents want to know where you are?”
Brendan’s body language changed almost instantly, first going rigid with what I assumed was anger before he finally let his shoulders sag. With his head hanging low, he rested it in his hands, raking his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know,” he groaned. “I guess so, but they’re always so busy. I bet they don’t even notice I’m missing. It’s not like I matter anyway.” The bitterness in his words sent a chill racing through my body. I had an idea why he’d be so angry with them, why he’d feel like he didn’t matter, but I didn’t want to make those assumptions.
“Why would you say that? I’m sure they’re going crazy looking for you.”
He shrugged, deflecting my concerns and the assumed trepidations of his parents. “I doubt it.” Burying his head in his hands even more, he muttered, “I’m not him.”
This was going to be a much more difficult line to tread than I had thought, but it didn’t mean I wouldn’t.
Standing from the bench, I angled my head toward the car. “Come on. There’s a kick ass diner around the corner.”
As we walked to the car, a nervous energy came over me. With each step, we moved closer to Liam and I knew I’d have to say something. I just didn’t know what it was I was supposed to say. “Hey.” I stopped in my tracks as we stood a few cars away from my car. “Before we get to the car, there’s something you should know.”
“What?” he asked fearfully. “You’re really a lawyer right. I can trust you, can’t I?”
It broke my heart, and my faith in humanity that he felt like he couldn’t trust anyone. And honestly, for all intents and purposes, I was a perfect stranger to him. He shouldn’t trust me, but I knew he could. Even if I hadn’t known Liam, I would never do anything to harm him or any kid. Not that I felt like what I’d suffered at the hands of my own parents was anywhere near what Liam and Brendan had survived, but I knew, at least in part, how immensely difficult it was to carry on even when you felt like there was no point. That feeling was never going to be something I’d take advantage of.
“Yes,” I responded calmly and confidently. “You can trust me, but I’m not alone.” When I paused to find the rest of the words I needed to say, Liam stepped out of the car and shot us a curious glance.
“Who’s he?” Brendan asked, tipping his head toward Liam as he leaned against the door of his car.
“I’ll let him introduce himself, but just know you can trust him, too.” Seemingly satisfied with my explanation, Brendan fell in step with me as I walked toward Liam.
Though I had no clue what Brendan and I were walking into—surely, meeting the brother who’d run away from home ten years ago was not going to be an easy pill to swallow—I knew for certain, it had to be better than what they had both run from.
As they approached the car, my stomach churned. I had no fucking clue what to say, hell, even what to feel. In some weird twisted way, I was excited to see Brendan after all these years, but knowing the reason he was here—well, fuck, that was reason enough for me to empty the contents of my stomach in the passenger seat of my car.
Trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible, I kept my eyes trained on the car parked in front of mine, using only the rearview mirror to steal the occasional glance at Parker and Brendan.
Even in the darkening twilight of the early evening, I could see Brendan’s profile. Damn, it was so much like mine, it was frightening. Had I looked that scrawny and drawn? Did the bags under my eyes from so many sleepless nights cast shadows down my face like they were doing to his? Did my clothes hang from my body like trash bags because I’d let myself get far too skinny for my own good?
Shaking away thoughts of who I once was, I had to make the active decision to make this only about Brendan. My fight was over. I’d lost it long ago, simply because I’d given up on the fight. But his was still very much alive—kicking and screaming, tearing through his entire existence. And, even though I knew I could offer no consolation in how he could escape it, or make it get any better, I held strong to the idea I could be a source of support for him I should have been all those years ago.
The pain and guilt of knowing I never should have left threatened to tear me in half—to rip me to pieces, chew me up, spit me out, and run me over until I was nothing except a flattened carcass of decaying roadkill. Yet still, I couldn’t not protect him now that he was right here and so obviously in need of help. Even if he pushed me away, I knew I had to do the right thing and fight the battle for him that I couldn’t fight for myself.
My attention was quickly drawn to the rearview mirror when I saw Parker and Brendan stop dead in their tracks. Parker kept angling his head to the car, almost as if he was trying to convince Brendan to keep following along. Worry brewed in my gut as every wild scenario I could possibly imagine flew through my head. What if Parker told him about me, that I was waiting in the car? What if Brendan was already cursing my existence and was getting ready to run away—for good, this time?
Those concerns had me shooting up from my seat and slamming the door behind me. The loud bang of the door brought their attention to me. It wasn’t until they both walked toward me—willingly—that I felt like I could breathe again.
Even though they were more than a few steps away from me, I heard Brendan ask, “Who’s he?” as he angled his head to me.
Too far away to make out everything Parker said in response, I held strong to the idea that whatever he said it was with the ultimate goal of making Brendan safe. And getting him the justice his deserved.
I figured the fifteen minutes I’d sat in the car watching Parker talk to Brendan on the bench would have been enough time for me to come up with something intelligent or at le
ast meaningful to say to Brendan, but it wasn’t. The reality was that I could have had hours of time on my hands and I still wouldn’t be able to come up with more than the lame, “Hi, Bren,” that fell from my mouth. His old nickname the only thought I could pull together as he stood there in front of me.
He looked me over, from head to toe, before his glare settled on my face. “Who are you?” he asked with equal amounts of skepticism and curiosity.
Shoving my hands in my pockets was the only way to keep them from shaking. “I, um . . . well, this is difficult to say, but I’m . . .” The words I needed to say ceased to exist in my head. Even though I wanted to say I was his brother, I knew that wasn’t true—not anymore at least. I’d been absent from his life for so long, I was nothing more than a stranger. So I explained myself in the only way he’d possibly remember me. “I’m William, Bren.”
Nothingness. His face held no more than a vacant stare. Slowly, it gave way to recognition and then fury. “You’re him?” his voice shook with a near-tangible emotion. “How the hell did you get here? Why are you here? Get away from me!” he yelled, turning to run before Parker grabbed at his shoulder.
“Stop. I know it’s a lot–”
“You don’t know shit,” Brendan seethed, pushing Parker away from him. “And you told me I could trust you. Whole shitload of good you are.”
“Bren–”
“Don’t you dare call me that.” Poking a finger hard at my chest, I was simply grateful for the fact that he hadn’t continued to run away. “You left me. You ruined my life. You’re all they ever cared about, never paid an ounce of attention to me, all because you fucking up and left. Every single day, all I’ve ever been is not you.” Tears tracked down his face, his words growing uneven and shuddered as his breath came in short puffs.
Soon his tears gave way to sobs, his worn-out body wracking as he heaved. “Bren,” I spoke quietly, feeling as I was approaching a caged and abused animal. He eyed me angrily from under a furrowed brow, never really looking me right in the face. “It doesn’t make it right, or better, but please know that whatever hatred you feel for me, because I left, because I was a coward, because I didn’t protect you,” I paused, taking a deep breath and raking a hand through my hair. “Just know that I hate myself more,” I added shamefully.
“Maybe this isn’t the best place to have this conversation,” Parker suggested, his eyes darting around the parking lot.
“I don’t have anything else to say.” Brendan crossed his arms over his chest, a defiant air surrounding him.
“Fine,” Parker agreed. “Enough talking for now. Get in the car.” There was a parental tone in his words, one that Brendan heard as well. Bowing his head, he trudged the last few steps to the back door of the car before sliding into the seat.
When we were all in the car, Parker adjusted the mirrors. They were all screwed up with me having to look out the window to see the two of them earlier. Parker drove with such ease considering what we were dealing with, and the steady even rhythm of the car helped calm my nerves slightly. Eyeing Brendan in the now adjusted mirror, he said, “Let’s just get some food and then we’ll figure everything out.”
“Easy enough for you to say,” Brendan muttered under his breath with a flippant teenage attitude.
Parker’s eyes immediately went to the mirror as he shot Brendan a serious look. “How’s that? You think this is easy for me? Hearing that you’ve been abused the same way he has? How in the hell is that easy for me?” Parker bordered on yelling, but somehow kept himself in check long enough to keep his voice to a dull roar of anger.
“Wait . . . how do you even?” Brendan’s words trailed off as realization dawned on his drawn and pale face. In the side-view mirror, I caught glimpses of his confusion giving way to anger in the repetitive flickering of the street lights. “Are you two like together or something?”
How I hadn’t thought of this coming up, I had no clue. All I could manage was a quiet and subtle nod. In a move of support, Parker slid his hand over mine, running his thumb along the top of my hand. “Yes, we are,” I added, gently squeezing Parker’s hand in return.
Brendan huffed, curling himself up into a tight ball in the backseat. “I don’t want to talk. Just leave me alone,” he spat angrily.
Deferring to his need to be left alone, Parker turned the music up just enough so that he wouldn’t be able to hear us, not that he was paying much attention to me and Parker, anyway. “Maybe a place as public as a diner isn’t such a good idea. You okay with a drive-thru?”
My mind raced with so many stray thoughts, I nodded and kept my eyes focused on the road ahead of us. Letting the music drown out the occasional huff from the backseat and the constant white noise in my own head, I only looked up when I realized we were parked in the parking lot of a fast food joint, the golden arches lighting the interior of the car.
Before either of us could even register what was happening, Brendan opened the back door and left the car. Nearly tripping over myself, I followed behind him, but he stopped me when my door was only opened a few inches. “Calm down. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to sit out here.” He sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets before adding, “I promise.” It was the solemn quality of his voice, the seriousness in his eyes that made me believe he wouldn’t run.
The car shifted when Brendan sat down on the hood, staring out at the small inlet, over which the seagulls scavenged for fries. The only sound between the two of us was the noise of the paper bags crinkling as we pulled out our food.
After a few minutes of painful silence, I finally said, “I know exactly what he’s thinking. How he’s feeling.”
Around a bite of hamburger, Parker mumbled, “Then I’m not the one you should be talking to.”
“I can’t go out there,” I defended, tipping my chin to the hood. “He hates me. And he should. I abandoned him.”
Without missing a beat, Parker said, “Yes, you did.”
“Well, thanks for the support.” Mumbling, I added, “Asshole,” under my breath.
He laughed as he explained, “What I mean is, yeah, you left. But you didn’t molest him. You certainly didn’t rape him. Those things happened to you, too. And him. And your situations led you both to run away.” Parker shifted in his seat, facing me as much as he could in the tight quarters of the front seat. His face shifted into a more serious look, the one that meant he was all business. “Are you mad at him?”
“For what? What the hell could I possibly be mad at him for?” I scoffed, thinking I must have misunderstood his question.
“For running,” Parker clarified. “Because if you can understand him wanting to leave and you can forgive it, then you have to forgive yourself.”
With an awkwardly nervous laugh, I dropped my burger onto my lap. “You’re good at this, you know?”
With genuine curiosity, Parker asked, “At what?”
“Convincing people.” Arching a brow, I added, “What are you? A lawyer or something?” A blip of light-hearted humor befell us. It was only broken when the car shifted as Brendan moved to stand.
As Brendan tossed a few fries at the birds, Parker pulled my hand into his. “Go out there. He’s confused and alone and scared as fuck. You’re the only one who knows what he’s feeling. And he needs that. He needs not to feel alone. And you’re the only one who can do that for him.” With a gentle brush of his knuckles across my jawline, he added, “Even though he may not realize it, he needs you.” Taking his hand in mine, I opened his palm and placed a kiss there, softly brushing my lips against his rough skin.
After I wrapped up my food, I opened the door and stepped out of the car. Even in the near pitch-black night sky, I could see Brendan eye me with a tired weariness. “Hey,” I said, trying to strike a careful balance between casual coolness and aloof indifference.
“What do you want?” he snapped.
Joining him at the half-wall standing above the inlet, I rested my elbows on the ledge and tossed so
me fries into the water. “I’m really shitty at this,” I admitted, keeping my eyes on the black water below us. “I don’t know what to say to make it better, but I do know nothing is going to make it better right now.”
“Whatever,” he deflected. “Just leave me alone.”
My gut churned and my brain raced. What if I fuck this up? I screwed up so many years ago, the pressure was truly on to get this right, but I didn’t have enough faith to know I wouldn’t do exactly the opposite. Yet, rather than letting my fears get the best of me, I turned to face him, hoping I’d have more than a mere fraction of his attention.
“No,” I said firmly. “I won’t do that. I made that mistake ten years ago. By not telling anyone, by letting him get the best of me, by leaving you when I knew he’d get to you.” When my emotions got the best of me, I finally took a deep breath. Cracking with rawness, my voice labored to say, “By being weak.”
Brendan’s shoulders slumped, the weight of the world pressing them down to the ground. Even though he refused to look over at me, the uneven and shuddery breaths he was taking let me know what I had said did in fact reach him. Knowing he was at least listening somewhat, I continued in the hopes of getting through to him even more.
“I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re feeling. Even though I’ve been there, your pain is yours. But I was so confused and I can see that in your eyes.”
Then he looked over at me, his eyes, so similar to my own, were shining with unshed tears. He was clamping his jaw shut so tightly, I feared he might crack a tooth. “I . . . I don’t . . . what did I do?” he stuttered, struggling to keep his rising emotions at bay.
“You did nothing to deserve this,” I said with utter certainty. “Neither did I. Don’t try to make sense out of it all. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing that. Evil won’t ever make sense.”
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