She didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want to see what kind of expression was on his face. Her hand was still on his back, fingers clutching his shirt, and now the tension was vibrating through her, too.
“Not while he thinks she means something to you…”
What did she mean to him? A lover he liked to screw? Another responsibility he had to protect? A friend?
It shouldn’t matter. She cared about him, but she’d never expected anything from him in return. She didn’t want anything …
Liar. Of course you want something. You want everything.
“I have to know his name,” Gabriel said, hard and cold. “Whether I do something about it or not.”
Honor shivered, an icy sense of disappointment creeping through her no matter how desperately she told herself she didn’t feel it. He wanted the name. He wanted to know more …
More than he cares about you.
Guy glanced again at Honor, a single look loaded with things she didn’t understand. “I’m sorry, Honor,” he said softly. “For everything.” Then he looked back at Gabriel. “Tomorrow. I’ll let you know where to meet.” He didn’t wait for a response, turning and walking back to his car, and starting the engine and pulling away.
Gabriel took a step away from her, too, his shirt slipping from her grip. And she felt the separation like a blow. Like he was removing himself from her.
She swallowed against the instinctive pain that tightened the back of her throat. “I’m sorry,” she forced out. “I know how—”
“Where’s Zac and Eva?” He turned to her all of a sudden, the darkness in his eyes blazing. “You weren’t supposed to be here. You were supposed to be back home.”
Anger. Of course anger. What else did he have to turn on her after this? Well, she wasn’t going to take it. She never had.
Honor lifted her chin. “I didn’t want to be delivered home like a package, Gabriel. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Go get in the fucking car. You don’t want to be around me right now.”
The aura of danger, of leashed violence around him had grown, thick and almost tangible. But she could see past that. She could see what was beneath it. Pain.
Ignoring the menace in his voice, she walked straight up to him and lifted her hands, taking his face between them. “I’m not going anywhere. I told you, I’m here for you and I’m not leaving.”
He moved. Too fast to avoid or escape. One moment she was standing on the pavement, the next she was hard up against the brick wall behind her, his body pinning her there, his eyes burning into hers. “You shouldn’t have stayed. You should have left while you had the chance.”
Honor’s heartbeat accelerated, but she wasn’t afraid. Not of him. She only felt an aching kind of sadness, the pressure of the vast, heavy emotion pressing down on her. She touched his face, let her fingers trace the outline of his mouth. Finding the softness there. The warmth. The man he was beneath the cold and the danger. A man in pain. Whose life had been hard in the extreme and who was still carrying the cost of it on his soul.
“I’m not leaving, I told you. And I know what it’s like when what you thought was the truth isn’t. It’s hard, Gabriel. Believe me, I know.”
He stared at her and she could feel the shake of his body against hers. Then he knocked her hand away and kissed her, a hard, desperate kiss that had her body waking into life, hungry for him in a way she’d never felt before. She pushed her fingers into his hair, fisting the short golden strands. Kissing him back, harder, even more desperate.
But he pulled away, a savage look in his eyes, a roaring darkness that hinted at all the passions that ran deep inside him. The passions he kept so carefully hidden.
“This is a lie,” he said, his voice hoarse. “You and I? It’s a lie. I targeted you. I seduced you. Deliberately. Because of your connection to Tremain.”
She didn’t understand at first. “What? What do you mean you seduced me?”
“I wanted to take him down. And I needed information about him. Information I could get from you.”
Cold began to burrow its way under her skin. Heading straight for her heart. “I don’t … understand.”
The lines of his face were so hard. Like they were carved out of diamonds. The only thing that had any life, any heat were his eyes. Burning. Glittering.
“Getting close to you was easy. Every woman likes a bad boy, don’t they? Especially rich, pampered little girls like you.”
The cold reached her heart, freezing tendrils wrapping around it. Slowing her breathing. Chilling her blood. “I … You didn’t want me?”
He looked so cold. As cold as she felt. As cold as the snow at her feet.
“No,” he said flatly. “I never did.”
* * *
It hurt to kill the blue spark in her eyes. To make them darken. To see her face go pale. All her precious, vital warmth fade.
It was a lie but it was a necessary one. Because how else could he make her leave? She’d promised she’d stay with him and she couldn’t. Not if he wanted to take down whoever his father turned out to be.
Fuck, he’d been certain of Tremain’s guilt. But when the man had denied his involvement, he’d been forced to believe him. He knew a lie when he saw one and Tremain wasn’t lying.
He’d been chasing the wrong guy for weeks.
The shock was still echoing through him, the ground he’d been so sure of now broken beneath his feet. And all he could think of was how he’d thought that this was the end, that once he’d confronted Tremain he could finally get some peace, put down the intolerable burden of his anger.
But it wasn’t the end. There would be no end until he had the name of his father. Until he had what he craved. Justice.
Yet he couldn’t have that and keep Honor safe. He couldn’t have both after all. And if she wouldn’t leave him, then he’d have to make her. Push her away and ensure she never came back.
The sapphires around her neck glittered in the cold light from the streetlight. “You never wanted me?” she demanded. “Never?”
He steeled himself. “No. Never. You were always a means to an end.”
It hurt to say it. Hurt more than he’d ever thought possible. And he didn’t really understand why. He’d ended things with lovers before and it hadn’t felt this painful.
She’s more than a mere lover and you know it.
No, he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything anymore. The only thing he was sure about was that she had to leave and if he had to hurt her to get her to do so, then he would.
Jesus, he’d hurt so many people in his life, she’d be just one more.
And sure enough, pain flared in her eyes, bright and sharp. And he felt it slide into his heart like a piece of glass, cutting him. “I don’t believe you.”
He didn’t want to move, wanted to keep the warmth of her close, and pushing her away felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done. But he made himself do it. “Believe it.”
She stood still, leaning back against the wall, her eyes wide with shock. Small and pale and fragile as porcelain. And the sharp, unfamiliar pain wound around his heart like barbed wire.
Then something glowed in her face, something brighter than hurt. Anger. “You fucking liar, Gabriel Woolf,” she said in a clear, calm voice.
Before he could move, she launched herself at him, her arms around his neck, pulling his mouth down on hers. Hot and hungry, aggressive in a way she’d never been aggressive before. Demanding a response. A response his body gave her before he’d had a chance to stop it.
He shoved her back against the brick, kissing her back with all the demand she’d shown him. Because the pain wouldn’t stop and he was so sick of hurting. Of feeling cold. Of being angry. He wanted heat. Passion. The softness of her, the gentleness of her. The beauty of her. The loyalty and friendship of her.
Wanted just one second when he could be free of the burden of his whole miserable fucking existence. Where she was the only thing that mattered.
“You do want me,” she murmured against his mouth. “You damn liar.”
Of course, she was right. He was a liar. Another sin to add to the rest, staining him black down to his bones.
He didn’t speak, crushing her mouth under his, pressing against her heat, feeling her arms around his neck, holding him as tightly as he was holding her. Teeth against his lip, a sharp bite that had him growling in the back of his throat. A punishment. Well, fuck yes, he deserved her punishment.
Her hand moved between their shaking bodies, down to where he was hard and aching, tracing the outline of his cock. She tore her mouth away from his and murmured in his ear, “You want me, little boy?” Squeezing him. Sending jolts of electricity right through him. “You want me to fuck you up against this wall? Right here? Right now?”
“Yes.” He couldn’t stop the shudder that went through him as she stroked his raging hard-on, her fingers tantalizing.
“Beg me, Gabriel.” Her voice held an edge he’d never heard before. “Tell me how much you want me to fuck you and I just might.”
You fucking idiot. You’ve let her get to you.
But Gabriel shoved the voice from his head. He wanted this moment and he was going to have it. Because after tonight it would never happen again.
“Please,” he said hoarsely. “Please, Honor.”
“Tell me you lied. Tell me you want me.”
He lifted his head, stared into her eyes so she’d see the truth. “I want you. From the moment you got into my limo, I wanted you. And I told myself it was because of Tremain but it wasn’t. You were beautiful, sexy, and challenging. And all I could think about was what it would feel like to be inside you.”
There was blue fire in her eyes, burning bright. “Then get out your condom. Now.”
He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet. There was a condom in there and it he took it out. But she was the one who ripped it open, who unzipped his fly and freed him from his boxers. She was the one who protected him.
She didn’t seem to care they were in an alleyway, that the public street was right there. But he did. He moved them deeper into the shadows then closed the space between them. For all her hard demand, she was trembling and when he ran a hand up her thigh, under her dress, and slipped it between her legs, he felt her wetness. Her heat. He stroked her, looking down into her eyes. They were black in the shadows. Full of secrets.
He wanted to know what those secrets were. Wanted to spend weeks, months, years finding out. But he would never get the chance.
“I always wanted you,” she whispered, her voice ragged as he eased a finger into her, testing her, her flesh slick and hot. “Even though you irritated me. Even though you were so damn arrogant I wanted to spit. But I loved your strength. I loved that you didn’t care what people thought of you. And…” She stopped. “I loved your honesty.”
“Don’t.” He leaned forward, kissing her mouth. “There’s nothing honest about me. You were right. I’m a liar.”
She gasped as he circled his thumb over her clit. “No … you’ve only ever told me one lie. That you didn’t want me.”
She didn’t know. She didn’t truly understand. All he was, all he’d ever done, was lie. To his mother when he’d promised he wouldn’t come after his father. To his friends that he wouldn’t hurt Honor. To himself that this was all for his mother. For justice.
Because it wasn’t.
It was for himself. For the shitty life he’d led. The responsibility his mother had dumped on him when she’d told him he was the child of rape. The responsibility for fixing what had been done to her, because that’s what he did. He fixed things.
Because he was so fucking angry at all the world and didn’t know how else to get rid of it all.
He lifted her leg around his waist, pulled aside her panties, and pinned her to the wall. Then he thrust deep into the molten heat of her. She gasped, her eyes going wide, never taking her gaze from his. “Yes … oh, God … yes.”
He framed his hands around her face. Her precise features flushed with heat and passion. He was shaking and he couldn’t seem to stop.
“Gabriel…” She arched against him, rocking her hips, wanting him to move.
But he didn’t want to. If he moved, this would end and he didn’t want it to end. Because he’d never find this again. She knew everything there was to know about him and despite the fact that he was tainted, that he was full of violence and rage, she still put her arms around him. Held him close. Made him feel like he was worth something.
He closed his eyes. Bent his head and turned his face into Honor’s throat. Inhaling sweetness and musk. Letting the warmth of her chase away everything he was. Then he moved because it was physically impossible not to.
She was so hot, her body giving and soft and yet so tight around him, pleasure unfurling inside him, bright and so fucking sharp it hurt.
He moved and kept on moving, deaf and blind to anything but the woman in his arms. Yes, it was painful but this was the kind of pain that he wanted, that he craved. So sweet. Purer than the cold anger, the detachment.
Better than the justice …
But he couldn’t think of that now. He couldn’t think of anything as the world began to narrow to an exquisite aching point of tension.
“Honor,” he whispered, thrusting deep one last time, feeling her shudder and gasp, her body convulsing around him as the climax roared through him, too.
Afterward he had to stand still for a long time, his heartbeat struggling to normalize. Once it had, he couldn’t bear to move. Only wanted to stay there, holding her trembling body against him.
But this was a cold, dark alley and there were people around, and if he didn’t let her go now, he never would.
Gabriel lifted his head, looked down into her face. There was a tear in the corner of one eye, sparkling like the jewels around her neck.
His heartbeat faltered.
“You know I love you, don’t you?” she said.
His heart stopped.
Everything stopped.
He shoved himself away from her, breathing fast. Something inside him shifted, a need he’d been trying to ignore for a long time, that had been growing larger and larger, a constant, desperate ache. It made him feel like he couldn’t get enough air and he couldn’t understand why.
“No,” he said flatly. “No. You can’t.”
Pain darkened her eyes. “But I do. I think I’ve been in love with you for a while now.”
“Stop fucking saying that.” He turned away from her, his hands shaking as he got rid of the condom and did his jeans up. His chest was so tight and he couldn’t breathe.
“Why?” Her voice was quiet. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Everything’s wrong with it!” Anger pulsed hot in his veins and he embraced it because it was familiar. Simple. Far simpler than the ache that leaned against his heart, that squeezed it until he felt he might break apart. “I told you what I am. All the things I’ve done. Didn’t you hear a single fucking word?”
“I heard.” The tear began to slide down her pale cheek, glittering. “And I don’t care what you’ve done. What you think you are. I know who you are already.”
The thing inside him squeezed so tight he wanted to claw it right out of his chest. “Don’t,” he said harshly. “Don’t say—”
“You’re a good man, Gabriel Woolf. Yes, you’re hard, but you’re also strong and protective. Complicated. Fascinating.”
His heartbeat thundered inside his head and he took a helpless step toward her, wanting her to shut up. To stop her saying the things he knew weren’t true. “Be quiet.”
She ignored him. “But I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself. I don’t want to see anger eat you up inside the way it’s doing right now.”
He bared his teeth in
a savage kind of smile. “Did you ever think that maybe I want to destroy myself? That I might like being angry? I mean, Christ, what the fuck else do I have?”
Her gaze met his. “You have me.”
Something shattered inside him. Something he didn’t think he’d ever be able to rebuild. But he ignored the feeling. He had to ignore it. “Sorry, sweetheart.” He made himself say the words. “You’re not enough.”
Her mouth tightened, more pain glittering in her eyes. Yet still she didn’t look away. “Whether you believe it or not, there’s an amazing man inside you. But if you keep going down the path you’ve chosen, he’s not going to exist for too much longer.”
“I was never that man, Honor. He never fucking existed.”
The tear had left a long, silvery trail down her cheek. But her jaw was firm. Even now, when he was being a prick to her, she had so much strength. “Nothing I say is going to make any difference, is it?”
He met her gaze. Held it. “No.”
“And if I asked you to stop. If I asked you to let this go. For me. Would you?”
He didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. They both knew the answer already.
Honor looked abruptly away, the jewels on the necklace he’d given her sparkling as she swallowed. Her lashes fluttered then she stepped away from the wall, smoothing down her dress, wiping away the tear. As if it had never been. “Well, at least I know where I stand then.”
Anger coursed through him, heavy and hot and he let it burn. Because that was easier, simpler than the pain he knew was waiting for him once she had gone. “I never promised you anything different,” he said harshly. “I never wanted it.”
The look she gave him was so full of sadness, so full of grief, he had to look away from her, unable to stand it.
“I know you didn’t want it,” she said quietly. “But God help me, you needed it and I wanted to give it to you.”
A pause. The silence choking.
“Good-bye, Gabriel. I hope you find the peace you’re looking for. Wherever that is.”
Peace? He didn’t want fucking peace. That had never been in his future.
Justice. That’s what he wanted. That’s all he wanted.
Mine To Take (Nine Circles) Page 30
