The kind of loss a man didn’t recover from.
John cleared his throat. “I don’t see how we have a choice.”
“We always have a choice,” Ryan said.
John shook his head. “If we go against Dreyer’s direct orders on something this big, we’re risking our necks. I know the argument was shot down in the van, but the truth is, if they label us rogue agents, we’re not talking about getting fired, we’re talking about being arrested or worse. We’re talking AWOL-type stuff.”
Diego rocketed to his feet. “Then you can leave, John. That goes for any of you. You don’t like the choices I make, get off my crew. Nobody’s forcing your allegiance to me.”
The tense silence stretched on until Vanessa set her arm on his. “For the first time in my life, I have the chance to do something real. Something important. This operation is bigger than me. I honestly believe all this has happened to me for a reason—and stopping this submarine deal, saving those girls from prostitution, that’s part of the reason. I didn’t realize I had a gift that could help people until this weekend. I could never live with myself if I don’t do everything I can.”
She wasn’t getting it about the danger, and it scared the crap out of him. “You might not live at all if you went through with Dreyer’s plan. Then what good would your gift be for the world?”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take. You of all people understand what it’s like to have a talent you can use to save people.”
“It’s different with you and your gift.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you’re not trained for this kind of mission like I am. My crew and ICE can still stop the sale of the submarine and the human cargo without putting you in danger.”
“How, if you can’t block the money and you don’t know where the sale is going to take place?”
He scrubbed a hand over his mouth. Good question. “We’ll figure it out.”
“One way or another, I’m going to see this mission through.” She pulled herself up tall, and if he hadn’t been in the middle of negotiating against her for her life, he would’ve admired her courage. “If you and your crew aren’t on board with it, I’ll leave this place right now and call Dreyer from a pay phone. I’m sure one of his ICEWALL lackeys would come pick me up.”
“Like I would let you walk out of here unprotected.”
“Then I’d sneak out. That’s how determined I am.”
Her expression held no hint of a bluff, and that rattled him to his core because it meant she didn’t think he was serious about going after her. God, he hated all the people in her past who’d made her feel expendable.
He set his hands on her shoulders. Though he was aware of his crew’s undivided attention, it was more important that he get his message across to Vanessa. “I would chase you to the corners of the earth to keep you safe if I had to. Doesn’t matter if you believe me or not. That’s what would happen. There is no scenario you could dream up that won’t result in me protecting your life with my life.”
Maybe it was an illusion because he wanted to believe it so badly, but she looked like maybe she was starting to trust him on that point.
She covered his hands with hers. “Then help me do this.”
* * *
Vanessa doing hard core math was the most erotic thing Diego had ever seen. While she worked, she rolled a pencil eraser over her lower lip and let out girlish squeaks when she came up with answers.
He’d been hard and needy ever since that first day with Vanessa, and now his nerves were strung taut as a wire. He escaped to a cold shower and stayed in there as long as any respectable man could without risking getting razzed about acting like a prima donna. God knew he smelled like one after using Alicia’s ritzy chick shampoo and soap.
After the shower, he’d managed his arousal all right until later that night when Vanessa confessed it was the longest she’d worked on a computer without glasses since high school and her eyes were starting to hurt. That was when, in an incident that was later dubbed Operation Spectacle, Alicia and John discovered the resort’s store was closed and had to run to town and scour the shops in search of reading glasses.
Diego had thought he might combust, watching her do math in glasses. Partly because of that and partly because he had no freakin’ idea what she and Alicia were talking about and therefore couldn’t offer even a modicum of help, he tried to stay out of their way. But it struck him, from watching her across the room, what an unprecedented maneuver Vanessa was spearheading. And all by using an algorithm she’d created in her spare time—because she’d wanted a challenge.
She blew his mind with her smarts and courage.
Who would’ve guessed that the rules of counterterrorism would be revolutionized in a timeshare condo in Panama by a young, beautiful woman?
He and the other men on his crew retired to the kitchen to plot their infiltration of RioBank and catch Dreyer up on their plan, but they could only get so far without finding out from Vanessa what and where she needed to be within the bank.
Once she and Alicia had determined which offshore account the Chiaras were using—a shell company called SPB Investing—they all gathered around the coffee table to finish their plans for the next morning.
By eleven, the planning was done, but Diego was too content to move. Next to him on the sofa, a dozing Vanessa had worked her way against him little by little, snuggling into his side. He’d eased her glasses off and she’d cuddled closer until her cheek was on his shoulder, her hair tumbling over his shirt in a way that got him wondering again what it’d be like to wake up next to her in a soft bed.
When everyone rose and began preparing for sleep, picking corners of the room to bunk down and using the hall bathroom, she stirred and rubbed her eyes.
She was so sleepy-sweet, he wanted to drag her onto his lap and kiss her. “Time for you to catch some z’s. The bedroom’s all yours.”
She straightened and looked around, getting her bearings. “I’m comfortable here. Alicia can take the bed.”
“Give me a break. You’re the asset.”
“Does someone else already have dibs on the sofa?”
Sighing, he stood and scooped her into his arms, then headed in the direction of the bedroom. “You haven’t had access to a real bed in a couple nights. You’re going to need to be at the top of your game tomorrow. A great night’s sleep will help with that.”
“You’re quite the ‘Vanessa needs her sleep’ taskmaster.”
“Someone’s got to be, and it sure ain’t you.”
In the bedroom, she trailed kisses up his jaw to his cheek until he laid her on the bed. Damn, she’d felt perfect in his arms. So perfect that he wanted to drop on top of her, sink into her and not let go until duty pried them apart with the arrival of dawn.
But even if he decided to throw his vow to Ossie out the window so he could make love to her without feeling like he was denigrating her honor with a one-night stand, it wouldn’t be respectful to put her in the position of having everyone in the condo knowing what they were up to. And it wouldn’t be ethical to make the crew deal with the knowledge that their boss was in the next room screwing the asset, although he no longer thought of her as merely the asset and what he wanted to do with her was far more meaningful than a screw.
So he’d have to be the superhero Vanessa thought he was and find the strength to walk away.
“Good night,” he said, clearing a strand of hair from over her eyes.
She was wide awake now, watching him. “Good night.”
He couldn’t even kiss her, knowing there wasn’t enough willpower on the planet that would allow him to stop at a kiss.
He stood outside her closed door, his eyes shut tight, visualizing all the things he wanted to do with her. In his mind’s eye, her clothes were gon
e. Her supple body stretched out on the bed, her legs open to let him get up close and personal with the sweet, wet heat between her thighs. It was easy to imagine what it would feel like to push his body inside her, what sounds she’d make when she found release.
The thought brought his mind around to the contented sighs she’d made in her sleep the past two nights. He’d been lucky to have had the opportunity to spend those nights watching her, learning about her sounds and the feel of her. Lucky that he’d found a way to ease her fears of being abandoned.
His mouth went dry.
Maybe it wasn’t the right move to have stuck her away in the bedroom by herself. Maybe she’d wanted to stay on the sofa so she wouldn’t feel alone or get nervous about waking up to find them all gone. He wanted to believe she knew better now that he’d never do that to her, but her fear wasn’t exactly logical.
Damn, was he confused. What if she didn’t sleep at all because she was afraid of waking up alone? What if she spent the whole night scared and all he had to do to prevent it was stay with her?
He didn’t realize he was still standing outside her closed door until John said, “You okay? You look like you’re trying to do some of Vanessa’s math.”
He gave his head a shake, attempting to rid himself of the feeling he’d made a mistake walking away from her as he had. He returned to the sofa and cradled his head in his hands, working to get a grip.
“You sure you’re all right?” Alicia said from the corner where John was helping her unroll a sleeping bag. Rory was making a bed in front of the TV. Ryan was cleaning his firearm in preparation for the first guard shift.
“I, uh, I don’t know—” Geez, he sounded like an idiot, stuttering and dumbfounded. But what was he supposed to do when where he wanted to be was behind the door he’d just closed?
The living room was stuffy; everyone was too near. He couldn’t breathe and couldn’t figure out how to get his libido to take a break so he could think straight. Shoving up from the sofa again, he bolted for the door, desperate for a little fresh air and perspective.
Chapter 17
No matter what happened with RioBank and the bulk cash scam, Vanessa’s life would never be the same. She’d thought about that before, but it hadn’t truly hit home until tonight when she realized that as soon as she finished doing all she could at the bank, her life sentence as a nobody would begin.
New name, new place of residence, new job.
The ghost she always felt like she was to her dad, to all the men she’d dated, would become literal. Being brave, she was discovering, wasn’t about gaining control over her life. It wasn’t even about risking death over a noble cause. It was accepting that the world was built on quicksand and yet still retaining her hope and her capacity for happiness.
She sat in the middle of the bed in the dark, girding herself for the days and weeks ahead.
No matter what happened or where she ended up, she’d always have math. Numbers and the rules that governed them were constant, unshifting. In mathematics, there was always an answer, and once you determined it, it never changed. Math was the only part of her life that couldn’t sift through her fingers.
Somehow, when the dust settled, she’d use her gift for math to do good. Though she’d enjoyed working bank security, it had never occurred to her until this week to explore the world of national security. But now she couldn’t get it out of her head that the perfect place for her would be in a government job writing algorithms to stop criminals and track illegal behavior on a global scale.
Maybe ICE would hire her. Or maybe the Pentagon.
A job like that would help her get out of her head. Girls being sold into prostitution certainly lent perspective on her own petty problems. They were the real ghosts in the world. It’d feel fantastic to be the one saving people, rather than the one left behind feeling like a victim.
There was another selfish reason to choose a government career should she be given the opportunity. Going into the business of protecting the innocent would afford her a connection, however nominal, to Diego, even though the two of them didn’t have a future together.
It would break her heart to say goodbye to the best man she’d ever met, but she’d realized yesterday that she wasn’t willing to settle for less than a man who would look at her and say, “Yes, you. Forever. No matter what, you’re the most important part of my life.” Corny, perhaps, but that’s what she wanted.
That’s what she deserved.
And it didn’t do her any good to wish that man was Diego. Or whatever his real name was. Even if she’d fallen in love with him.
The old Vanessa wouldn’t have taken the goodbye with Diego well. She would’ve licked her wounds and wondered what was so wrong with her that she fell for men who weren’t emotionally available and willing to put her first.
New Vanessa, however, was going to pick herself up, dust herself off and get on with creating a new life. She was done chasing. Let a man chase her for a change.
Smiling into the darkness, she felt her newly tapped resolve all the way to her toes.
She was going to save lives tomorrow. She could hardly wait.
* * *
Bracing a hand on the stucco wall, Diego drew a huge gulp of air into his lungs and held it there until it burned.
The doorknob turned. Someone was following him out. If it was Vanessa, he was going to kiss her. He was going to crush her to the wall and let her know in no uncertain terms how crazy with need she was making him. Then he was going to march her past his crew’s overcurious eyes and straight to the bedroom, their opinions of his actions be damned.
Ryan raised his eyebrows in greeting and closed the door behind him.
Drawing a tremulous breath, Diego kicked the wall, regrouping. “Hey.”
Ryan perched on the top of the raised planter. “Everything okay?”
“Just ducky, can’t you tell?”
“I noticed. Thought you might need some advice.”
He and Ryan had been through it all over the years, experienced things together—both terrible and wonderful—that had bonded them for life. No one could read him like Ryan, but that didn’t mean he wanted to discuss his woman troubles with the man.
“Oh, hell, no. Not only is you and me talking about that stuff ten different shades of wrong, but you don’t know jack about the kind of situation I’m in.”
“There’s nobody in the world who’s going to give it to you straight except me. Well, and Gabriela, but she’s not here.” Gabriela, Diego’s youngest sibling, was single, Newark P.D. and tough as nails, the most like him out of any of their siblings.
“Plus,” Ryan added with a shrug, “I know a few things about women.”
Oh, please. “What could you possibly know about women that I don’t? You’re married to the job as much as I am. Always have been.”
“I know you should go for it.”
“Go for what?”
“Life with her. Go for it with Vanessa.”
“It’s not that easy.”
Ryan cocked his head. “Seems like a no-brainer to me.”
“I never took you for a romantic.”
He shrugged again.
Ryan shrugged a lot, now that he thought about it. Shrugged his way out of all kinds of conversations, sidestepping the pressure to come up with the right words or take a stand. The ultimate way to play his cards close to the vest. Diego ought to take a page from Ryan’s book.
“Putting the moves on an asset is completely unethical.”
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you need a reminder of why you switched from the navy to black ops.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Go on, say it.”
He chewed the inside of his cheek. Sometimes it was a pain in the butt to have someone around who k
new him so well. “Because working outside the lines and trusting my instincts almost always gets better results than playing by the rules. But that doesn’t mean I can do something dishonorable.”
“Does being with Vanessa feel dishonorable?”
Hell, no. It felt more genuine and right than just about anything else in his life. “It’s not that easy because if I went for a life with her, she’d be a sitting duck for all the scumbags who have grudges against me.”
“That’s only half-true and you know it. There are measures we can take to secure her safety. Stop it with the B.S. excuses. This is the only life we got and we’re not getting any younger.”
Ryan was right about that, but what he didn’t understand was that Vanessa wasn’t built to be alone. If he were her man and he stayed on the job, she’d be miserable. He would’ve saved her life over and over, only to ruin it in the long run. Because with his job, there was no gray area. If he wasn’t putting work first, he wasn’t doing it right—and that put people’s lives at risk. His crew, the assets, civilian bystanders. That was the reason almost every SEAL and black ops agent he knew was single or divorced.
He sighed and picked at the stucco. “She has a thing about people leaving her, about being alone, and with this job, that’s all I’d do. I could be gone from her for months at a time. It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to sacrifice like that. She’d be better off without me.”
When he put it that way, the decision sounded easy...until he thought about Vanessa’s next Christmas in WitSec, alone.
Thinking of her alone for the holidays actually made his heart hurt, something he hadn’t experienced since the weeks after Ossie’s passing. But if he chose to be with her—if she let him—he knew he could make her happy and keep her happy for the rest of her life. He didn’t know why he was so sure about that because he knew zilch about being in a relationship, but he knew it as a fact. He felt it in his bones.
Tempted Into Danger Page 18
