by Cassie Rocca
“Oh, no, please do. You know I’ve been a masochist for years, I need my daily dose of idiocy or I’ll start suffering from withdrawal symptoms,” said Eric with a smirk. “Come to think of it, that might have been what was causing my insomnia last night.”
“Funny guy!” She finished putting some books on the lower shelves, and then walked over to the counter. “Anyway, there isn’t really much to say. Evan is… nice? He’s a football player, but not a professional one.”
“Who would have guessed? A sportsman with a competitive, aggressive temperament – just the kind of guy you prefer! Be careful not to let him crush you in those big arms of his: he might even kill you by accident and then just think that you had passed out after being overcome by the overwhelming pleasure of being in his company.”
“What an asshole you are,” laughed Zoe, shouldering him amicably. “Hey, it’s not like I’m going to marry him! He’s just a bit of fun like all the others.”
“Have you ever tried reading? Or signing up for a dance class? Or doing some voluntary work? Or Yoga? They’re all much more instructive alternatives and they might help you clean up your karma.”
Zoe laughed. She was used to Eric’s stinging sarcasm, and actually found it comforting. The way they constantly mocked each other was really helpful for her, especially in days like that one.
Since she’d woken up that morning, she’d felt totally drained of energy. The combination of the approach of the dreaded Valentine’s Day, being single, and the cold and the rain had filled her with deep melancholy. The emptiness she felt inside was getting deeper every day and it couldn’t be cured by friends, family or boyfriends, and that was why knowing that she could still count on Eric’s affection was comforting.
Yes, he could be preachy and bit judgmental of her behavior, but she knew that he loved her and cared about her. Over the years he had told her more than once that he only wanted her to be happy, and that was why he used to analyze and criticize all of her wannabe boyfriends. And after the awful experience she’d had with Stuart, Eric had become even more careful and protective.
Sometimes she had actually thought that Eric was jealous, but then she had told herself that if there were any stronger feelings between them, they wouldn’t have remained friends for so long.
Suddenly, confused and baffling images of the breath-taking kiss she and Eric had exchanged in her dream emerged from the fog of her memory, but she hurriedly pushed them aside. If it had been a real kiss instead of a drunken mental fantasy, she would have listed it among the best kisses of her entire life, but it hadn’t, and that only reinforced her belief: if Eric had been interested in something more than just friendship, he could have taken advantage of the situation and tried to make her think that it had really happened. But he hadn’t done.
Anyway, judging from the girls she remembered Eric being interested in in the past, she was certain that she wasn’t his type. He was too intelligent and sensitive! She would have driven him crazy after just a couple of days together. Her inner insecurities were always making her lose her self-control and turning her into a spoiled, shameless – and even selfish – person. For Eric it was hard enough to put up with her as a friend, she would have been a terrible girlfriend for him.
She stood for a time staring silently at the wet road outside the shop window. Business was unusually quiet today, probably because the hard rain was keeping all the potential customers away. Liberty was in her office working on some poems commissioned by clients, and Clover hadn’t even arrived yet. It was a really weird day.
But he was there, though. He was always there.
Standing by Eric, Zoe smiled self-consciously at him. “Thanks,” she said in a soft voice.
Eric raised his eyebrows and looked perplexed. “Thanks for what?”
“For being a friend. You always care about me, put up with me and make me laugh when I need it. It means a lot to me.”
“Ok, I get it – you’re having a bad day,” he joked, pulling a fake haughty face. “When you start being all saccharine with me it’s because you’re about to get depressed.”
“You’re right, you shrink, but I did actually mean what I said.”
“Then would you mind saying it a bit more often? It would be good for my ego.”
“No, you wouldn’t like always being given compliments. You’re not like me.”
“You don’t need to be given compliments all the time either. A couple of genuine ones every once in a while would be enough. Especially if they came from someone with at least one functioning neuron.”
“Find me a guy like that and I will be forever in your debt,” sighed Zoe, resting her elbows on the counter.
After a moment of silence, Eric cleared his throat.
“Zoe?”
“Yes?”
The door opened just as Eric was about to speak, and Clover and Cade came in, both holding his raincoat over their heads to protect them from the rain.
“Jeez, what awful weather!” said Clover, extricating herself from her fiancé’s arm and taking off her wool hat, which was soaked with rain water. Her red hair lay flat down her back like a wet blanket and Cade spontaneously caressed it almost without noticing what he was doing.
Zoe noticed that gesture and felt slightly envious. She would have loved to have a man like that by her side – someone so deeply in love with her that he couldn’t keep his hands off her.
“Good morning guys,” Cade smiled. “Yep – this is one of those days when I really miss L.A.”
“And that’s why he’s heading there tonight,” mumbled Clover, without turning towards him. Cade smiled and grabbed her by the waist to try and get her attention.
“If I remember correctly, I did ask you to come with me but you didn’t want to.”
Clover stared into her man’s blue eyes and emitted a trembling sigh. “It’s almost Valentine’s Day, there are too many things to do. I just can’t leave right now.”
Zoe stared at them and suddenly felt worried. “But you are going to be back by the 14th, right?” she asked Cade, looking at him menacingly.
“Of course,” he smiled. “I’d never be able to come back to New York at all if I missed a date as important as that. Clover would probably hire a hitman to take me out in California!”
“Oh, you know me so well even though we’ve only been dating for two months,” Clover sniggered, looking at him with eyes full of love.
Eric pretended to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “I’m so relieved, Cade. The idea of taking them both out to dinner for Valentine’s Day was really scaring me.”
“You can relax, we’re not even going to be in New York that night,” laughed Cade.
When she noticed that her colleagues were looking at her questioningly, she said with satisfaction, “He’s taking me to Paris!”
Zoe crossed her arms over her chest and frowned graciously. “It’s official: I hate you,” she said, then she looked at Cade seductively. “Are you absolutely sure that she’s the one you want to be with? I would be quite willing to forgive you for choosing her if you just admitted that you were wrong and had decided you wanted to start dating me.”
“I’m not ready to change my mind just yet, but I did actually come here today to talk to you,” Cade smiled at her as he held his girlfriend’s hand tightly.
Zoe winked. “I like that. Go on.”
“A colleague of mine, Brooke Samuels… I guess you’ve heard about her…”
“The blonde actress who was your co-star in Nobody’s Land? Of course I have!”
“Great. She’s coming to New York the day after tomorrow and she’s looking for a photographer who can help her create a calendar for a friend of hers. I told her about Giftland and you and she said she would like to meet you.”
“You mean Brooke Samuels wants to meet me? Wow!” Zoe smiled. “It’d be an honor to work with her! And could you tell Patrick Dempsey about my work as well, if you get a chance?” she added with a wink.
“I’ll see what I can do. But let me warn you: Patrick is happily married.”
“Damn it! I’m always just that bit too late!” she snorted.
“Do you think you’ll be able to help Brooke out before Valentine’s Day? I know you’re pretty busy.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure we can squeeze your famous colleague into our schedule.”
Clover looked at her watch and sighed. “I’d better go. That kid is probably already in Macy’s waiting for me.”
Cade frowned. “What kid?”
“My first client of the day, who was also my last client of yesterday. He’s looking for a special present for his girlfriend, because Valentine’s Day is also going to be their first anniversary.”
“How romantic,” smiled Zoe. “But they’re really just kids, so finding a special present for them shouldn’t be too difficult. When you’re that age, everything always seems amazing, and that’s probably how it’ll go on being… at least until he cheats on her with her best friend.”
“That doesn’t necessarily have to happen,” Eric said without looking at her.
“Well, except for my parents, I don’t know many couples who are actually as much in love with each other as they were when they first met. Maybe the guy won’t cheat on her but he will eventually lose interest in finding the perfect present for his partner – and for some couples, routine can be even worse than betrayal,” said Zoe, shrugging her shoulders.
Clover stared at Cade with threatening eyes. “Do you promise never to get into a routine, to be faithful to me and to still surprise and love me even in thirty years time?”
“Do I have an alternative?” he joked.
“No.”
“Ok, well I’ll do my best then.”
Clover smiled at him brightly, said goodbye to her colleagues and headed towards the door with her boyfriend. Eric and Zoe observed them through the shop window and Zoe smiled sweetly at the sight of them hugging each other and kissing.
“They’re really a cute couple, aren’t they?”
“Yes, Clover has been so much happier since she met him.”
“They were made for each other.”
“They’ve only been dating for two months, let’s give it a bit of time to see how it goes.”
Zoe turned to look at him. “Don’t you believe in love at first sight? I mean real love, not just fleeting crushes.”
“Of course I believe in love at first sight,” he mumbled while he fiddled with a small bottle of water.
“I’m glad to hear that even someone as rational as you thinks that it’s possible. These days I really need to believe that stuff like that can actually exist. Stuff like real love, and stories of love at first sight, and endings like ‘and they lived happily ever after’.”
“Where’s all your pessimism gone? Not long ago you were saying that you hated Valentine’s Day, lately you’ve barely been able to look at a happy couple without saying how much you hate them.”
“It’s just envy, that is all,” grumbled Zoe. “Just mean, insidious envy. And I’m sure that I’m going to get even worse unless I find a boyfriend as soon as possible.”
“Oh, my God. Every man for himself!”
Zoe leaned her elbows on the counter, cupping her face in her hands and staring over at the window, against which the rain was pounding. “Don’t you miss it?”
“What?”
“Being in love.”
“Sometimes it’s better not to be in love,” replied Eric enigmatically.
Zoe stared at him curious. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that there isn’t much point being in love if the object of your desires doesn’t feel the same way about you.”
“Are you talking from personal experience?”
“Well, I am actually human, even though you and your girlfriends seem not to have noticed the fact,” said Eric sardonically, cutting off the conversation with a gesture.
But Zoe was now too thirsty for details to let it go, and kept her grey eyes on him.
“Spit it out, mister! I want to know the whole story!”
“It’s something that happened to me and to the vast majority of people on the planet. What do you want me to tell you about it?”
“A lot of things! Who is she? Do I know her? When did it happen? And what, exactly, did happen?”
It took Eric so long to reply that she thought he would never answer at all, but then, never moving his eyes from the little plastic bottle of water he was holding, he shrugged.
“I fell in love with her while I was at college. She was absolutely gorgeous, really sweet, and way smarter than me. We used to see each other every day and she thought I was… funny. But she never looked with anything like passion, even though I’m pretty sure my eyes must have gone heart-shaped every time I was around her. I practically drooled every time she walked into the room.”
“And did she know about your feelings?”
“Of course not. A girl like her could have had any man she wanted – what use could she have had for a nerd like me?”
“You coward!” she snorted, while shaking her head. “You let her slip away just because you were scared to confess how you really felt about her.”
“Yeah, maybe – but at least I avoided hearing the usual answer.”
“Which would be?”
“Oh Eric, I’m really, really flattered but we can never be anything more than friends,” he mimicked with a smirk. “It’s not because of you, of course, you’re wonderful. It’s all my fault… I’m just not really sure of what I want from life yet. Can you ever forgive me?”
“And how many times have you heard that garbage?”
“Never, but I’ve heard plenty of other people tell me about when they heard it.”
“Well, I’ll admit I have dumped guys that way a few times, but…” When she saw Eric glaring at her, she raised her chin pugnaciously. “Hey, I only say stuff like that when I need to get rid of idiots. And anyway, that doesn’t make you any less of a coward. What was her name?”
Eric hesitated a moment before saying, “Stephanie.”
“Right. Now you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering if Stephanie would have said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your proposal. You might have missed out on the chance of being with the love of your life just because you were scared of being turned down!”
Neither of them spoke for a few moments and then Zoe looked over at her colleague again. “And haven’t you ever been in love since her?”
“No.”
“That’s more or less what happened to me too. I haven’t allowed myself to feel any emotion since the disappointment I had with Stuart. I didn’t want to suffer any more so I just threw myself into all these pointless relationships. And what did it get me? Having a hundred numbers on my contact list doesn’t make me happy.”
“A hundred?!”
“More or less,” replied Zoe quickly, ending the discussion with a shrug of her shoulders. Suddenly, her eyes began to twinkle and she stood up straight.
“You know what? We should do it!”
Eric had just taken a sip from his bottle and almost choked at her words. “Do it?”
“Yeah! I mean let go of the past and look forward to the future,” smiled Zoe. “We’re young, good-looking and intelligent, we deserve something more than the occasional empty relationship. Don’t you agree?”
“Uh huh.”
“We should start seriously trying to find our soul mates.”
“Ah,” Eric put the bottle down. “And how do you propose we go about that, exactly?”
“We should go out more, get to know new people.”
“You already know half of New York,” cut in Eric. “Do you know what I think you should do instead? Stop going out with men! Take some time off from dating and think seriously about what you really want from life. You go out with so many guys that it’s almost become your second job. The way you’re going, you won’t even know when you do meet someone you like!”<
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Zoe wrinkled her nose. “It’s too late to try out your method – I want a boyfriend by Valentine’s Day! And since there’s only two weeks left, I need to seriously get to work on finding one.”
Eric pushed his spectacles back up his nose without turning to look at her. “I guess I’m free for that evening then, right?”
“Keep yourself available for me in any case – you never know… OK?” joked Zoe, kissing his cheek. “I’m going to go and talk to Liberty about Brooke Samuels. I’ll be right back!” she added, before running off up the stairs.
Keep yourself available for me, you never know…
When he thought again about what she had said he felt his jaw clench.
What was he for her? Just a spare tire to keep in the trunk in case she needed it?
Eric ran his hand through his hair, feeling almost overwhelmed by the increasingly intense waves of anger washing over him. He wasn’t angry with Zoe though – he was furious with himself.
Zoe wasn’t aware of the pain she caused him every time she talked, she didn’t know about the pain of loving someone in silence. It was all his fault, because he was a coward, just like she had said a few moments before. He had adored her for ten years without saying a word, he had indulged her and had managed to always have time in his life to dedicate to her. When Zoe needed him, he was there, always available, day and night. The most important things for Eric were knowing that she was happy and being able to enjoy her presence. So how could be blame her for not considering him a man, seeing as how he behaved more like a faithful dog?
“Pathetic,” he muttered as he rummaged about in the drawer of the counter in search of some aspirin.
He had tried to stop being in love with her and to put her out of his thoughts. He had gone out with other women and listed all the things he didn’t like about her, hoping that it might help him like her less. But nothing had ever changed, because Zoe Mathison was in his blood. He was in love with all of her neuroses and obsessions, her frowns and the cold, superior mask she would wear in public to hide her vulnerable side. And after New Year’s Eve it had gotten even worse, and living a life independent from Zoe had become totally impossible.
