Happiness is a choice. However, nothing is free. So if you want to be happy, work hard. Do good. Plan ahead. And overcome the obstacles with a smile and awareness you can achieve whatever your heart desires! #nolimits #happiness #smile #beauty #goals
Hashtag—YUCK! This is a cringe-worthy string of clichés. Let’s break down this cunt’s fucked-up philosophy. First, she writes:
Happiness is a choice!
No, happiness is not a choice! There are a lot of mentally ill people out there that feel sad. They don’t want to feel sad but they have no choice. They were born with this problem. There is something wrong with their brain. They want to feel happiness but they can’t. So happiness is not a choice. Right off the bat you’re fucking wrong!
However, nothing is free.
Once again, this isn’t true! There’s a lot of free shit out there. Go to Costco on Saturday. Walk through the store and you’ll find free samples every three feet. Go run in a charity race and they’ll give you a free water bottle and a shitty T-shirt. Check into a DoubleTree hotel and they give you a free cookie that I always turn down by saying I’m not five years old anymore!
So if you want to be happy, work hard.
I know many people who are retired. They stopped working hard a long time ago and they are very happy about it! I know people that don’t work hard and they are just as happy.
Most people who work hard are not happy because they are so focused on their work. They work so fucking much that they don’t have time to be happy! So that proves there’s another thing wrong with your goofy inspirational post.
Do good. Plan ahead.
Really? Is that how you become happy? You plan ahead? How does that make anyone happy? Planning ahead just means you’re organized. I know a lot of people that don’t plan ahead and are disorganized and are very happy so once again this woman is wrong.
And overcome the obstacles with a smile and awareness you can achieve whatever your heart desires! #nolimits
Yes, there are limits!
I want to be the lead singer of AC/DC but that will not happen!
Why can’t I be the lead singer? Because someone already has that job. Also, I can’t sing and I have no fucking ear for music. Even if they needed a new lead singer, they wouldn’t let me. That limit proves I can’t achieve whatever my heart desires!
Sometimes you’re not good enough to achieve your heart’s desire. It has nothing to do with smiling or awareness. If you aren’t good at it, you aren’t getting the fucking gig. I’ve had some obstacles in my life, I remember smiling at times when I was going through it, and when I woke up the next day the obstacles were still there. I don’t know why they just didn’t go away. I had awareness of the situation and I smiled. Oh, I know why! Because it didn’t matter that I had both those things, I had to wait it out and when enough time passed I overcame the obstacle. So, fuck you and your dumb hashtags!
No Regrets!
No regrets is another motivational phrase that people love to post online.
It’s in fashion to say you have no regrets but every human on earth has at least one thing they would do differently in their life. You may not dwell on it but you have regrets.
For instance, if you’ve ever wasted an hour on Facebook you have fucking regrets. In fact, I bet every person who knows this next guy regrets accepting him as a Facebook friend.
Bring the Bullshit
This guy’s update epitomizes the no-regrets mentality:
Having no regrets. I’m ready to show and prove to people that I’m ready for what lies ahead. So, bring it on!
Wow! Watch out everyone! This guy means business. No one should mess with this guy. He has no regrets, and he’s ready to show people he can handle what’s ahead. I’m fucking inspired and so are his friends. They wrote comments like:
Good for you, dude!
You’re the man!
You can do it!
Wow, real clever comments.
What’re you trying to prove, motherfucker? What lies ahead? Who are you talking to when you say bring it on? Bring what on? Are you being fucked in the ass later? Is that it? Then my comment would be:
Make sure the guy wears a bag!
The bottom line is this—anyone that says they have no regrets—has regrets!
That’s my dumb meme! Feel free to copy this and spread it around the Internet.
No regrets? Yes, you have regrets. Your friends have regrets and I have regrets. The main regret is that I spent all this time reading your dumb fucking post.
GARY FROM FLORIDA: LOOK AT ME, FELLA!
If you want to study a man with cool self-confidence then Gary from Florida is your guy. When it comes to seducing women, he’s at the top of his game. James Bond has nothing on Gary from Florida.
Perhaps you’ve heard the story about my last Waffle House visit with Gary. He had the name and phone number of the waitress before she took our order. Now, that may not seem like the biggest achievement since most Waffle House waitresses rank about a four on a good day, but it’s not the quality of his conquests that matters, it’s the quantity! Gary has professional-level stats when it comes to scoring with women.
Look at me, fella! That’s his catchphrase and it suits him. He’s like MacGyver, who can turn a paper clip into a weapon. Gary from Florida turns any situation into an effective moment of pussy wrangling.
If you are a man (or woman for that matter) who lacks confidence, you need to take a page from Gary’s book. For instance, Gary has had many one-night stands. On occasion, some of these women, whom he really had a good time with, didn’t text or call him back. Most guys would let that affect their ego and it would zap them of their self-confidence. Gary says, The first thought that comes in your head shouldn’t be “oh, man she didn’t like me,” it should be, “she couldn’t take my mule! It was too damn much for her!”
Sad, pathetic thinking only slows you down, Yeah, you may have a little melancholy for a few days, but move on fella! If you see her on the dating website flirting with other men, Block the bitch and move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, fella!
If a woman doesn’t go after my dick like she’s going after that last tasty piece of steak meat with her fork and knife, then she ain’t for me! That is the level of devotion Gary expects from women he dates. He shows the same level of dedication when he’s eating their box so it better be mutual. He told a story about going down on a woman and she was a squirter. He said, It felt like I was getting my teeth power washed fella!”
Accept Yourself!
I think it may be a requirement for women who live on Facebook to post a weekly picture of themselves and write a lame caption about acceptance. Accept yourself—one of the other self-help clichés.
How about you post your affirmations on a mirror in your house and not on Facebook. Nobody cares!
The next woman can’t help herself. She wants the whole world to think she’s amazing!
Time for New Parts
This is a great example of a fucked-up philosopher who pretends to be making a statement of personal empowerment but is really fishing for compliments. It’s her birthday, and she posts a picture of herself to show her friends what she looks like—warts and all.
She’s staring in the mirror. No real expression, no makeup, and she’s dressed down. She added this inspiring caption:
This is what 36-years-old looks like on me. Always exhausted. Slightly overweight. Don’t know how to smile seriously. Mother of two kids. Wife of 14 years. Still trying to figure it all out. Love to laugh. Day-dreamer. Happy to drink wine any day I want to and positively happy. Or, at least I try everyday to be. That’s me! #HappyBirthday #MadeIn1979AllOriginalParts
Here is what I want to say to this woman. First, why don’t you leave the taking pictures of yourself to your teenage daughter? You’re almost forty. Point that camera at something more interesting like your thirty-six-year-old tits.
Second, it’s crazy you like to drink wine! Fuck, I’ve never
heard that. I don’t know where I’ve been. When did middle-aged white women start drinking wine?
So, you don’t know how to smile? You say you’re slightly overweight. You’re suffering because you are exhausted all the time. These things could be a problem. Is it possible you are having these issues because you are drunk all the time? All that wine you drink is just empty calories and is loaded with sugar and alcohol messes with your sleep pattern. There you go, I’ve known you one minute and I know why you’re having all these problems.
Let’s do a reality check. You look hot for thirty-six. You’re not overweight. You look good for having two kids—a solid 7.5. I’ll give you that. Also, you’ve been married for fourteen years and have two kids. That’s good and deserves some respect.
In fact, you might be an inspiration to younger women. But, here’s the thing, you already knew that! Be honest, lady. You wouldn’t have posted this picture if you looked like shit. You posted this picture because you want everyone else to acknowledge you. You may think this is promoting self-acceptance, but it’s just self-promotion. You are baiting everyone to get positive comments, like this:
OMG, there is nothing wrong with you!
You look amazing!
I hope I look like that at thirty-six.
You look like you are in your twenties!
You look ten years younger!
Here is some life advice. Get sober. Lose weight. Smile for a fucking change! And, replace one original part for me—that part of your brain that makes you post corny life lessons and shitty hashtags!
Pinnacle of Pathetic
Here is one of the most pathetic motivational posts I’ve ever read:
My fault is that I don’t realize how great I am. One day, I hope I can!
You think this chick is a little full of herself? What makes this post interesting is the first comment posted by one of her male friends. He wrote:
I don’t get it? Why do you have to post this on Facebook and not to yourself in private?
This is fucking beautiful! He called her out on her bullshit.
After he made that comment nobody else responded. She was waiting for a comment about how great she was and it never came. Sounds like the people that know her know she has way more faults than just not knowing how great she is.
Not Winning
Here is a guy that has the no regrets mentality. Read how it worked out for him:
I am the champion again in fantasy football! Revenge against my mother for defeating me last year. Oh, how sweet it is to win five titles in six years! I guess I’m the New England Patriots of a fantasy football league.
No, you’re not the New England Patriots of your fantasy football league. You’re just the gay guy! That’s right, did you ever hear a conversation between two guys talking about fantasy football? The only time two guys stop babbling about fantasy football is when they’re 69-ing each other.
Get Tough!
Get tough is another common philosophy on Facebook. Ironically, tough people are not on Facebook talking tough. But, it doesn’t stop these pussies from spreading their cringe-worthy advice about how to handle the difficulties in our lives.
If I Ran for President
Here’s a badass that wants to get tough on Congress:
If I ran for president as an independent would you vote for me? Our platform would start with: Cut the crap Congress! Forget partisan politics! Do what’s best for our people! Tell all the truth all the time! The buck stops here!
This guy must be on to something because no politician has ever thought of running on that platform. I think this guy can win with his fresh ideas.
I’ll vote for you, sir. I’ll vote for you to delete your Facebook page.
Punching the Clock
There are a lot of tough guys on Facebook. This guy might be one of the toughest! He’s feeling determined, and he wants everyone to know it!
First, he does something that proves he’s a manly man. When he gets to his dentist appointment, he checks in on his Facebook map. Did he think any of his friends were going to be hanging in the waiting room when he was done? Even if his best friend drove right by the place with plenty of time to kill, he wouldn’t stop in. Who gives a fuck that you’re at the dentist and nobody gives a shit that you’re getting a root canal.
Emergency root canal? Bring it! Not covered on the probationary period of new dental insurance? Come on 2016, is that all you’ve got? You punch like a girl!
Ooooooh! Don’t mess this guy.
Look how he’s calling out the year 2016!
This guy is scary!
I’m telling everyone, this motherfucker is determined.
Come on 2016, is that all you’ve got?
If 2016 could really talk back, he might say:
Yeah, unfortunately that’s all I got. I’m sorry I punch like a girl. You got me, man! You’re lucky your tooth didn’t start acting up in 2015 because that year was an MMA fighter and he definitely didn’t punch like a girl. I hear 2017 is going to be a pro football player so you better get all your teeth fixed this year because I’m basically a pussy. And by the way if you were such a tough motherfucker you claim to be you would wait to get the root canal until your new insurance kicks in.
Like My Tears? I’ll Kill You!
This Facebook update is scary, sad, and pathetic. This guy has taken a picture of himself with his hand on his forehead and he has tears running down his face. Basically, he took a picture of himself while he was crying. Then, in the middle of his breakdown he wrote:
Don’t let the tears fool you. I will still knock the fuck out of someone!
What do you think is going on in this guy’s mind at that moment? Just imagine yourself being this distraught. You’re going through something horrible and you are crying about the situation. Then, you have the impulse to take a picture of yourself. You do this in the middle of your breakdown. How is that possible?
He’s trying to send a message to his friends: I’m sensitive but watch out, I can still beat your ass!
This bizarre post got about thirty comments. They’re things like:
Dude, everything okay?
You all right, man?
I got your back, bro.
All of the other comments are similar.
Do you think this guy might need attention?
How many pictures did he take to get the right one? Imagine him saying, Nope, not enough tears in this one. I don’t like this one either because my hair is a little messy and I want my hair to look good even though I’m sobbing like I lost my whole family in a car wreck.
Fantasy Champion
It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of get tough posts are from guys bragging about being great at sports. However, there are more posts about dudes bragging about fantasy football.
Imagine you are a grown man. You are on Facebook and posting about how good you are at fantasy football.
Let that sink in for a second. You’re a forty-year-old man writing this shit:
Fantasy football! I’ve been running my own league since 1992 when we scored out of the morning paper. Since then, after all these years, and playing in multiple leagues on some years, but usually played in just one league. I estimate that I have played in 45 leagues.
This is the nerd’s version of playing golf or Dungeons and Dragons. Guys that don’t want to be around their wives play fantasy football. So, they waste all their fucking time with this nonsense.
I’ve won all three this year! I crushed it! I think I have won 13 of 45. If anyone thinks this is gambling watch the movie Rounders. I know my shit. I always expect to win. Playing against leagues with 10 to 14 teams. The stats say I CRUSH FANTASY FOOTBALL!
You’re a champion at fantasy sports. It means nothing! It started as a fantasy of you playing football and it ended with you being a nerd winning a fantasy game.
You didn’t run on a field. You never went to practice. You didn’t study game film. You didn’t pick up a real ball. You did nothing ath
letic at all. You don’t own a real team. You don’t have a real trophy. That you are a champion is make-believe. Who cares? Why would anyone brag about being good at fantasy football? It’s embarrassing. You took the Baltimore Ravens defense this week? Wow, that’s really smart seeing that the Ravens defense has been great since the year 2000. Take the NY Jets offense one week. That’s a smart move since that side of the ball only plays one good game a year. Try to pick the one week they do that. You know what? How about this?
Go fuck yourself champ! And if I see you in a sports bar on a Sunday looking at your fantasy football stats on your iPad I’ll smash it into pieces. The only thing you crush is cock!
Grown Man Mistakes
Here is a guy bragging about his promotion. He’s another asshole who loves using the awful phrase—crushing it.
I’m extremely excited I accepted a promotion with my company. Starting Friday I’ll be the supervisor leading a sales team. #CrushingIt #GrownManMoves
Hashtag—Yech! Really?
Grown man moves?
I’m sure none of your friends have ever received a promotion. Yep, no one will doubt you any longer. Especially since you put a hashtag in front of grown man moves. Hashtags are for chicks, by the way. You’re not crushing anything either. There was a guy before you doing that job really shitty and getting paid too much money so they fired him and hired you for half the money he was making. It was a corporate move, asshole. This has nothing to do with it being a grown man move except for the head of the company who is a grown man made the move. The only thing you will be crushing in six months is your head into the wall when they get rid of you and hire the next asshole. Hashtag—fuck you!
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 5
