Call him out! Why not? She has every right to do this. She has two kids with this motherfucker. Can you imagine her morning? She’s probably getting the kids ready for school. It’s pure chaos and this guy is messaging chicks while she does all the heavy lifting. She catches him flirting, goes ballistic, and calls him out. Good for her!
Everybody should do that. Seriously! It might make someone think twice. What’s crazy is he doesn’t call her or talk to her in person? Instead, this idiot writes back to her on Facebook so everyone assumes he’s guilty. Don’t have kids with someone if you still want to fuck other people. When you have a kid it isn’t about you anymore, motherfucker.
They have studies warning you about the negative effects of social media on your relationships:
One in five divorces involve the social networking site Facebook, according to a new survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. A staggering 80 percent of divorce lawyers have also reported a spike in the number of cases that use social media for evidence of cheating.*
There is too much temptation on Facebook. It’s all just bragging and showing off. If you are even the slightest bit interested in cheating, watch out!
What’s the bottom line? There are what I call snipers out there trying to break up your relationships because they are jealous of your happiness.
Another article suggests married couples on Facebook should have rules about how to handle their accounts.
You need to password-protect your marriage. No joke. This means that your husband or wife should be able to log onto your Facebook account at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night, especially when you are not there. Aside from, perhaps, planning a surprise party for your husband, if you are keeping anything “secret” from him in terms of your online interactions with other men, you are heading down a slippery slope.
How to avoid it? Simple: He should know your password and, of course, if he has a Facebook account, you should know his. This rule isn’t intended to foster “snooping” or paranoia, but it will help you ensure transparency and honesty with your husband or wife when it comes to your dealings with others online.
Guys, knowing that your wife can at any time read anything you write on your Facebook page or your inbox messages will have a very clarifying effect on what you write. In other words, abiding by this rule will help you avoid situations in which you might be tempted to say something you wouldn’t want your wife to see.*
If you are single and want to meet people on Facebook, fine, go for it. If you are married, follow this plan. No secrets. No passwords on Facebook or phones. Live like you have nothing to hide. If you think this is too much work, close your account and live your life instead of posting nonsense about it. I would ask the girl I’m dating now for all of her passwords, but she’s too young to have a phone!
* David Gardner, “The Marriage Killer: One in Five American Divorces Now Involve Facebook,” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334482/The-marriage-killer-One-American-divorces-involve-Facebook.html.
* Patrick Madrid, “If You’re Married and You’re on Facebook, You Should Read This,” http://patrickmadrid.com/if-youre-married-and-youre-on-facebook-read-this/.
CHAPTER SIX
FLORENTINE’S GOT TALENT!
After Terrorizing Telemarketers was released, I felt my career was on the right track. I was proud of the reaction it got from people but I was still a long way from the next level in my career.
Thankfully, my next break was huge. My good friend Don Jamieson introduced me to Gary Dell’Abate, the producer of The Howard Stern Show. After a bit of discussion, Don and I met Gary at his office and dropped off a copy of my Terrorizing Telemarketers album.
Gary had piles and piles of CDs stacked on his desk. “If it’s funny, we’ll play it on the air. That’s the most I can promise you,” he said.
I figured he was just being nice by saying he would listen to it. I was such a huge fan of Stern I didn’t really care what came of the meeting. I was just happy to see his studio.
The next morning I wake up to find my voicemail filled with messages. Friend after friend had called to tell me that Howard Stern was playing tracks from Terrorizing Telemarketers and laughing his ass off. His whole staff was going crazy for the material.
On one message, I could hear Stern saying, “Who is this guy, Gary? These calls are incredible. We got to get this guy in the studio. I’ve never heard anything like this!”
Two weeks later, I get an invitation to be a guest on the show. The day is burned in my memory—July 18, 2001. That day changed my career forever.
I checked the sales figures for my CD the night before my scheduled appearance. My ranking had plummeted to 282,483. That translated to about five sales per week.
The next day after my appearance on the show it shot up to #2 on Amazon!
The Backstreet Boys were the only band ahead of me. I believe I would’ve been #1 but at some point my website crashed. Stern kept sending his listeners to jimflorentine.com to buy the CD and because I had limited bandwidth, it couldn’t handle the demand and my site crashed within two hours.
When Billboard magazine’s Internet Charts came out, they listed Terrorizing Telemarketers Volume One at #17. U2 was ahead of me at #16 and the Dave Matthews Band was behind me at #18. I just imagined there were people reading this and asking who the fuck is Jim Florentine? Is this a new band? I got great pleasure out of that.
Believe me, I was asking the same question. How the fuck did this happen?
After that appearance on the show, I went from playing shitty bars and old VFW halls to performing in the top comedy clubs around the country.
Awful Facebook Rule #6: Pretend Things Are People
Rule Six for How to Be Awful on Facebook is Pretend Things Are People. These are the posts in which people talk about the days of the week and other inanimate objects as if they were humans. It’s hard to find something more fucking annoying or corny.
The same boring people that want to discuss the weather with you at the grocery store are the type of people leaving these shitty posts.
Dicking Days of the Week
Stalking Monday
This post is brutal.
Dear Monday, why are you following Sunday? Don’t be a stalker.
Dear Jerk-off, if we change Monday so it’s not following Sunday then we have to put another day of the week in its place. That day would stalk Sunday too. Not sure what to do here because there has to be a day that follows Sunday.
This guy’s post was up for eight hours and had no comments and no one liked it. I wonder why?
You know he thought this was so damn clever and kept checking his page to see who commented. Imagine him at a restaurant with his wife looking at his phone during dinner. His wife gets annoyed that he’s not paying attention to her. She starts bitching at him. He’s upset and confused. He thought everyone would think that dumb post was so funny.
Meanwhile, his wife begins to think he’s cheating because he keeps looking at his phone. I hope his wife leaves him on a Sunday and then on Monday fucks his best friend.
Fucking Friday
I plan on making Friday my bitch this week! Have a great Friday everyone!
How is Friday going to be your bitch, sir? Tell me exactly what you will do. Are you going to take control of it because that’s how you make something your bitch?
Are you going to take Friday away from everybody else and make it yours and only your bitch? So nobody else in the world is allowed to enjoy Friday? That doesn’t seem fair. Is Friday is going to blow you? Is Friday going to drive you around because you’re drunk and you don’t want to get a DWI? I doubt that Friday knows how to drive a car.
If Friday were your bitch you would make it run errands for you. Are you doing that? Didn’t think so! You’re not going to make Friday your bitch. It’s going to be like every other Friday, whatever lame shit you do every Friday you’ll do this day, too. Okay, bitch?
Ruining Random Objec
ts
Burying Dignity
This is from a woman with too much time on her hands.
Funeral services to be determined. She was reliable, trustworthy, and made me money. She lasted longer than anyone anticipated. I trusted her with private information and she never gave away my secrets. Please join me as we say goodbye to my laptop. Feeling Sick!
Why do I have to join you in saying good-bye to your laptop? I don’t know it, I never met it, or if I did, your laptop wasn’t memorable in the least.
Your laptop shit the bed so you have to buy a new one. Wow, I feel bad for you. That’s never happened to anyone else. And, how can you tell if it’s a she or a he?
I hope mine is a she because it watches me jerk off a lot. She’s a trooper because she takes it in the face sometimes. If it’s a male laptop, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to it. Hey man, I’m sorry. I know I’ve given you a facial a few times. I really apologize! Please don’t flame out on me before I back up my hard drive.
Tequila Talking
Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night you were supposed to make me funnier smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video we need to talk!
That’s funny, right? That’s a good one!
Why would you get smarter if you drink tequila? Do people who have to take a big test the next day go down to the bar and have a few shots to get ready for the exam?
Do the contestants on Dancing with the Stars drink tequila before they dance? I’ve read most of your other posts. Nothing will make you funnier or smarter. You’ll always be a fucking dud!
Stuffing Ugly Sweaters
Here’s one from a guy who’s wearing a goofy outfit in his picture.
This year’s ugly Christmas sweater has not found me yet. I know it must be out there looking for me somewhere. I’ve come across a few potentials but not the one. I still miss the one I broke up with a few years ago and no others have come close. Like all good love affairs, I’m patiently waiting for the right one to come along but I’m not settling for a mediocre ugly Christmas sweater!
Why not settle for a mediocre sweater? I looked at your pictures and you settled for a mediocre girlfriend. You’re not good looking either so you don’t really need an ugly sweater to get noticed. Just get a regular sweater and put it over your head to hide your mediocre face.
Fuck That Fridge
I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.
I’d say there is a 98 percent chance this person is a horrendous slob.
Only a fat and lazy person would think it’s a long-distance relationship when the object is in the next room over.
His profile picture is an image of a sunset, which means that he’s a fat fuck. It’s like when a girl uses a picture of her cat for her profile picture—you know what the deal is.
This guy probably likes the sunset going down because that means dinnertime, followed by dessert, followed by a midnight snack, followed by his finger down his throat over the toilet.
GARY FROM FLORIDA: JAMMING THE DUMPER
There is zero doubt about Gary from Florida’s favorite sexual activity. Anal sex is his best-loved pastime. If he was a poet, he would write an ode to the ass because anal sex is more than an addiction to Gary, it’s a personal calling. In his podcast interviews, he often says, I’m the king of the crapper. I like the shitbox more than any man.
In fact, he’s so clear about his love for anal sex he’s refused to continue dating women who don’t share his passion. At some point during sex, I try to jam the old Bonecrusher in her wishing well. If she moves away, I try to hit that rusty wheel hole again from a different angle. If she says she doesn’t do that. Then I ask why not. Maybe she’s never tried. If she still don’t go for it. Bye-bye baby, bye-bye!
Isn’t it wrong to keep insisting on a sexual act when someone doesn’t want to do it? A professional like me does it with real skill, fella. If I’m really pounding and ripping on the pussy, I ain’t stopping when there is a whole other landmark to visit. You’ve got to give the whole woman the attention she deserves!
Gary from Florida feels his experience busting the backdoor is worthy of recognition. If the sex industry ever invents an Ass Sex Hall of Fame, he’s ready for his trophy. Look fella, I already have an acceptance speech typed out. If any man deserves first-ballot status it’s me!
Recently, Gary revealed he had fallen in love. I thought this was some of the most shocking news he had ever shared since he’s an avowed bachelor.
It happened at the point of death, fella. She made me go kayaking. I hated it. We were paddling along and fish started jumping out of the water. One hit me in the head. I thought I was going to die and I just blurted it out—I love you!
Some women may be upset that their man can only express intimate feelings at the point of death but Gary’s girlfriend was okay with it. Maybe it’s because she knows he’s willing to make huge sacrifices for her.
The first time we had sex. I took several stabs at her shithole but she wasn’t letting me in. She kept saying don’t do it there, I want it in the front. I finally found the solution. When I’m bending her over the couch and her head is hanging down that is the front to me. I said, yeah darling I’m stabbing the front hole. She said, you can play with it, flick it, fondle it, finger it, but you ain’t fucking it!
The ironic thing is that Gary’s relationship with this girlfriend may work. Any man that’s willing to sacrifice something this important for the sake of love has a shot at happiness. Nothing says love more than respecting someone’s request to not get fucked in the ass.
Awful Facebook Rule #7: End with Horrible Hashtags
Using corny hashtags in your Facebook updates is more maddening than a Peyton Manning Papa John’s commercial. Because of that, End with Horrible Hashtags is another great way to make Facebook awful.
Hashtags may serve a purpose.
If you’re searching for comments on a topic. I don’t use them and I don’t give a fuck if my tweet doesn’t wind up in that topic feed. I want no part of the corny hashtag community. If you’re a grown man please stop using hashtags. Hashtags are for chicks like this woman in her god-awful post.
#LimeadeLoser
When you have middle-aged soccer moms using hashtags, you know it’s time to get rid of them!
When working long hours on any project a Sonic Limeade is a must have! #FamilyTradition, #ILikeMineWith #Strawberries #Rebel.
After reading this post I decided that I’d never use a hashtag again.
I’m done with them!
There’s no reason to type #Rebel. You’re not a rebel because you drank a fucking limeade at Sonic. Suck the guy’s dick that brought the limeade out to your car—that’s rebellious! #Swallow
#CircleOfJerks
I can’t believe this next one. It’s a picture of nine guys standing together hugging on each other. Some of them have beards and look like hipster douchebags. The picture was posted with a black-and-white filter, which proves someone took time making this as perfect as possible. Then, over the picture they’ve embedded some text that reads:
#SleepBroOver
There is no way there wasn’t a circle jerk at this sleepover!
Think about it. Nine guys. Three beds in a normal house. That’s three guys to each bed. Let me guess, the guy sleeping in the middle, at some point in the night, pretended he was skiing. I’ll leave it at that.
SleepBroOver! How fucking horrible is that!?
Wow, I feel sorry for women these days. I really do. These are the men that are out there for single women. I think Facebook posts like this have changed some female lives forever. There are women who have no gay tendencies and zero sexual desire for other women who have seen pictures like this and made a dramatic change in their lifestyle.
Yeah, my man told me he was having a SleepBroOver with eight other guys. So, I decided I’m just going to start eating pussy. I really don’t want to because I love dick but it see
ms like my boyfriend likes dick more and is planning on a buffet of cocks this weekend. I should’ve known something was up with him when he started using hashtags on every social media post. I hope he enjoys his new lifestyle. #AtLeastIDon’tHaveToSwallowAnymore.
Is this why everyone is getting their parts cut off or new ones put on and going through gender reassignment? You can thank this circle of jerks for ruining a whole generation of women.
#FuckedByAFairyTale
A very excited chick posted this next one with her photo of a rainbow.
My baby and I are about to get in the car and go find the end of this rainbow! #EndOfTheRainbow #PotOfGold #ThePromise
Her baby is her boyfriend. Do you think that guy wants to go on this trip? I’d rather get in the car and drive off a cliff. I just hope he had enough balls to question her.
Honey, let’s go get in the car and find the end of the rainbow!
What’s going to be at the end of the rainbow? he asks. What do you think we are going to find?
Well, you know, the pot of gold that’s at the end of the rainbow, she says.
Really? I watch the news and I’ve never seen a story about someone discovering a pot of gold.
Don’t you think it will be fun to just drive until we find the end of the rainbow?
Maybe when I was five. Not now, NOT EVER!
Lady, I can save you a lot of time and gas. You know what’s at the end of the rainbow—AN APPLEBEE’S!
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 9
