Lights, Camera, Cooler!
Some people might think Gary will bang any woman willing to bend over but for the cooler he wanted a pro for what he had in mind. His dream finally came true when a hot porno star started frequenting his store.
I saw this very beautiful girl in my store. She gave me her phone number and I found out from a friend she was an ex-porno star. I asked her out and she came by the store around midnight at closing. She was dressed in all black looking beautiful. She had been drinking, so we went in the cooler and did more vodka shots. We kissed and the next thing you know I was fucking her in the crapper. She even did ass-to-mouth, fella! I shot my seed down her throat and then again on one of her ass cheeks. She loved it so much she said I should be in one of her movies!
When I ask Gary if he thought he should have worn a condom he said, If I’m going to die might as well go out banging one of the top porno stars in America! That sex was so good, I went home and whacked my bag afterwards!
Bed of Hennessy
Gary loved having sex in the back of the store and he made a special bed for that purpose. Yes sir, fella. I got a shipment of about $60,000 in Hennessy one time and stacked it in a ten-by-ten shape. It was about three feet off the ground. I even formed a headboard so it looked like a bed.
When one of his favorite taste-testing girls scheduled to work his store, he felt confident he would get a chance to use it. Taste test girls come in the store all the time. They’re hot young women that dress sexy and offer small sips of a product. They make about $30 per hour and clear over a hundred a shift. This one I knew. She was thirty-four and super hot. During her breaks, we would go in the back and do Jägerbombs. After her shift was over, and we had done the fourth or fifth Jägerbomb, I kissed her and squeezed her tits. I laid her out on that bed of Hennessy and took her panties off. She had this beautiful pure black pussy hair. I ate her box until my cock was standing straight like a flagpole. Then we fucked on the Hennessy bed for about an hour. It was awesome, fella! She came all over my six and a sixteenth mule!
Pussy Power Wash
Gary from Florida’s most memorable night in the liquor store produced a sacred piece of history that is now preserved in his hall of fame memorabilia.
I met this woman online and after one of our dates we went to my store to get a couple of bottles of wine. We went in the cooler and I got horny and put her up on that bed of Hennessy to eat her box. She stopped me right as I was about to give her the motorboat. She warned me she was a squirter. I said no problem not knowing how serious she was about her condition. I should have put a mask and snorkel on, fella!
When she started spraying, it was like getting my teeth cleaned with a power washer. Later when I was fucking her, she sprayed again and it was so forceful it pushed my cock out of her box. When it was all said and done, I looked down and saw that my shirt and pants were covered. That sucked because I had my most expensive shirt on that night and my best pants. I never did get the stain out. Now I keep that shirt in my closet, like Monica Lewinsky’s dress, it’s a fucking souvenir, fella! Hall of fame material—no doubt about it!
Awful Facebook Rule #10: Drown Us in Dumb-ass Details
In church you’re taught that God cares about you so much that he knows your every thought, and wants you to talk to him all day long. I’m horrified to say, that many people treat Facebook as if it was God or an imaginary friend.
They post updates all day pretending Facebook cares what they say. They share every fucking thought that comes to their mind. Even if it’s an incomplete idea or random nonsense. Here are a few examples.
Zika Please!
A guy posted this:
Just killed a mosquito.
I hope it bit you before you killed it and it had malaria!
Prick with Purpose
Another guy posted this:
Is it me or is it my sole purpose in life to troll Facebook during my free time at work?
It’s you!
Shit Sauce
A woman posted this:
I just got six jars of Prego Sauce for $0.83 cents each!
WHO GIVES A FUCK?!
Not in Heat
A dumb-ass woman posted this:
I just love having a dog who loves the cold. Wait, what did I say?
Look lady, you know exactly what you said. You read that status update to make sure the spelling and grammar was correct before you posted it. You should only worry about what did I just say if your last update said, I just sucked off my dog!
Shit-Stains with Wipers
It pains me to write this next one.
Yea! My windshield wipers won’t turn off! Fantastic!
This guy wants people to feel sorry for him over a problem that takes two minutes and $20 to fix. Imagine the crisis he’s going to have if one day if his oil light goes on? What about when he needs new brakes? Holy shit, he’ll have to go on antidepressants. Also, he wrote this in his car while he was driving. He risked running over a kid to let his four hundred friends know about his hardship. One guy commented:
And mine won’t turn on! Don’t we make a pair!
You’re lying. Your wipers turn on. You wouldn’t be driving around if your wipers didn’t work. That’s something that gets fixed immediately. You guys do actually make a pair—a pair of zilches!
Hair Are Two Idiots
Have you noticed how a lot of people post about work they need to do instead of doing it?
So much dog hair to vacuum up. I don’t know how it accumulates so fast.
Sir, what happens is hair falls off the dog and onto the floor because some dogs shed more than others. Does that make fucking sense? Maybe you don’t clean it up everyday and that’s why it’s all over the place.
His friend comments:
I know what you mean dude, my dog sheds a lot too.
Wow, fucking fascinating. I hope the next post this guy writes is, “The hair on my head is falling out at an alarming rate. I don’t know how it accumulates so fast.” I would click on the like button the second I saw the post.
Boob Bozo
Read this Facebook update and see if you can guess the age of the person posting it.
It’s that time of year again to be thankful. This year I choose to be grateful for BOOBIES because no matter what size they are they make you smile!
A forty-year-old man wrote this. My five-year-old son doesn’t even say the word boobies anymore. He’s already calling them tits. This guy obviously hasn’t seen a lot of them because they all don’t make you smile. I’ve ended up with a frown on my face many times after getting a girl’s shirt off. Some tits are flat, or droopy, or covered in stretch marks. Those make me well up with tears!
Why are you grateful this year? Tits aren’t seasonal like pumpkin beer. He should take a look at my ninety-year-old grandmother’s rack. Would that make him smile? All I know is he’ll have to call a friend to help him lift those tits back into her bra!
Sunday Assault
A guy posts:
Grab me a chunk of Sunday. If you grab too much, share it.
If a chick wrote this I wouldn’t even make fun of it but this is a dude? Where would I go to grab a chunk of Sunday? How about I grab a chunk of your wife’s fat ass and share it with my six friends?
Why?
A fifty-year-old man posted this:
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t!
This is a 1970s Almond Joy and Mounds candy bar jingle. The comments from his friends are really smart and riveting:
I remember that commercial!
Now, I feel like eating a candy bar!
I used to love Almond Joy’s
No way, Mounds were way better!
Fucking fascinating!
FANTASY FOOTBALL NERDS
I’m in a sports bar watching football and fantasy football dorks are everywhere—guys with their laptops lined up on the bar and the tables. Why in the fuck would you bring your laptop to a sports bar?
I�
��m writing this during week four of the season. It isn’t the last week of the season when you might expect guys needing to have instant information about the games. The season has just started. You don’t need to know whether you won right away. Wait until you get home to check your team’s stats.
I’ve had these dorks coming to me asking who just scored a touchdown. I ask, Why do you want to know?
Because of my fantasy football team!
My response is: None of your business, none of your FUCKING BUSINESS!
I heard one fantasy football guy saying, I met a player that’s on my roster. I went up to him and said, hey man I really like you. I have you on my fantasy football team!
I told that guy just tell the player you think about him when you MASTURBATE! That’s what you’re really saying!
That NFL player isn’t impressed with you. He thinks you’re a creep. He doesn’t care if you have him on your fantasy football team. He doesn’t give a FUCK about you!
Stop it with these laptops in the sports bars.
But, I gotta check my stats, they say.
Why don’t you check your pants for a PENIS!
Awful Facebook Rule #11: Create a Shit Storm of Oversharing
This is the last rule in my list of How to Make Facebook Awful and it’s the most horrifying example of this shit site: the oversharing.
That’s right, think of the most personal things you can and post them on your Facebook page.
For instance, is your wife having hemorrhoid surgery? Share a few pictures of her nasty ass and tag the surgeon in your post. Is your niece getting her period? Show the evidence to all of your friends! Did your aunt die in a fire? Post a few pictures of her crispy corpse.
The Whiny Wino
Oversharing starts with the small things. Like this woman letting everyone in the world know, she’s a hopeless alcoholic.
Wish I had an IV rather than a glass of wine, but this will have to do.
That’s a great thing to share with people on Facebook. She’s probably friends with her boss or people at work that don’t like her. It’s good for them to know when you’re showing up late hung-over and asking for an aspirin every day.
Just drink a few glasses of wine and pass out. In the morning, be glad you didn’t wake up next to Bill Cosby.
The Laxative Lady
Check out this next woman, who thinks we care about her shit—literally!
Man, I’m tired. I’m lucky if I slept an hour through the night. It’s my own fault. I wasn’t going to the bathroom, as I should. So I decided to take two laxatives in the early afternoon. So, I still didn’t go. I was worried that I was still backed up. It feels like my stomach was pushed to one side. So, I didn’t go and before bed I took two more. Well… wrong thing to do! I have never gone to the bathroom so much. I’m lucky if I slept an hour. Won’t do that again! So, needless to say my stomach is going crazy. Hey, at least it came out! Sorry about all the details!
That’s a Facebook post from a chick! Let that sink in.
She says, Sorry about all the details!
Why are you apologizing? If you were really sorry about all the details, you would have edited this down. You’re not really sorry, so stop lying. You intended to write all of this hoping everyone would feel bad for you. There’s not one fucking ounce of you that’s sorry. You planned every word and posted it exactly like you wanted it.
Her main point is that she was up all night shitting.
Wow, that’s awesome!
Imagine if she was dating a guy who looked her up on Facebook. He would realize she is going to sit on the bowl all night and not on his face!
Mickey Mouse Shitter
Not all oversharing is personal. This woman loves to embarrass her son.
This is how you poop at Disneyland!
She writes that, and then posts a picture of her kid taking a shit.
He’s wearing Mickey Mouse ears and sitting on a toilet bowl in a stall with his pants down around his ankles. The poor kid is looking up at the camera and he has a big frown on his face. He looks like he hates his fucking mother for doing this. Wonder why? Now this is out there. Other kids will see this and make fun of him.
Hahaha, we saw the picture your mother posted on Facebook with your stupid Mickey Mouse ears and your pants down!
I hope the kid says:
Yeah, well, I was taking a shit and didn’t know that my ATTENTION WHORE MOM would post that on Facebook for all of her friends to see.
Map to Ms. Asshole
Here’s another mom exposing the personal details of her child’s life.
My poor baby had a bad asthma attack!
Instead of sending a text to a few close family members, she thinks it’s a good idea to let her three hundred Facebook friends know that she’s at the emergency room at the local hospital.
She’s also tagged the hospital on the map on her page. Why do your friends need to have the exact location of the ER? No one is coming there to meet you. No one.
This woman posted this within two minutes of stepping into the hospital. Her kid is hyperventilating and may die but she thinks the real emergency is updating her Facebook page.
But, wait she’s not done. A few posts later, she writes:
Saying goodbye to the beautiful angel.
Guess where she is now? A funeral. HOLY SHIT!
Do you think everyone needs to know you are at a funeral?
I want to congratulate the guy who sent me this. He had the balls to write back to her.
On the hospital post he wrote:
When I’m sick and need emergency attention the last thing I need is some attention from Facebook. That’s the last thing on my mind.
YES!!! GOOD FOR YOU, SIR!
On the funeral post, he commented:
Why would you post this when the person is already dead? Do you think they are going to click the like button?
You think this woman wants people to feel bad for her with these posts? She posts about her kid being sick and going to a funeral. The post in-between these two was an inspirational quote: Live. Love. Laugh. It doesn’t seem like she’s doing any of those things. It’s more like she’s bitching, bellyaching, and begging for attention.
Cool, Grandpa Is Dead!
Here is another shocking example of oversharing. This woman posts a simple message with a whole series of photos. Here’s the update:
My grandfather has died.
If I were friends with this woman I would click the like button on this post and then in the comments section write, “Good! One less old fuck driving on the road now!” I’d say that’s a good way to get unfriended.
But, this woman takes it even further by tagging the location of the funeral home in her Facebook feed. Then, she shares:
Picture #1: Funeral flowers.
Picture #2: Coffin.
Picture #3: Coffin at the gravesite.
Picture #4: People crying at the funeral.
I have questions about these pictures.
Question #1: Which gas station sold you those shitty flowers?
Question #2: You think there is room in there for you, too?
Question #3: Nice shovel! Did you dig the grave yourself?
Question #4: When did you guys turn into a bunch of pussies?
Awww… What a Cute Corpse!
Just when I thought I had seen the worst possible funeral post, this one takes it to a whole other level of wrong. I guess dying grandfathers are a trend on Facebook now.
Picture #1: Grandfather on his deathbed. The old man is sleeping. Tubes run out of arms and nose into various machines. His awful grandchild has staged a photo by sitting on the bed beside this poor dying man. The kid has an over-exaggerated frown on his face as if to say, Awww, poor old granddad!
Picture #2: Grandfather has passed on. He posts a picture of the man lying dead on his hospital bed.
Picture #3: He takes a picture of himself at the wake.
Picture #4: He takes a picture o
f himself smiling next to an enlarged photo of his now dead grandfather.
Picture #5: Pallbearers carrying the coffin to the gravesite.
Picture #6: Coffin being lowered into the ground.
You know he had the person take a few shots so he can pick out the best one. That’s the sickest part of this whole thing. The guy staged a photo shoot at his grandfather’s funeral. I wish he would have handed me his phone to take the pictures at the gravesite. I would have told him to stand near the edge of the hole and keep backing up until he falls into it.
PART TWO
AWFUL CONVERSATIONS
CHAPTER EIGHT
CRAZY CONCERT STORIES
After the success of Crank Yankers, other opportunities in television started coming my way. I’m a heavy metal fan so when That Metal Show came along I jumped at the chance. The show was billed as the Tonight Show for AC/DC fans and was hosted by my good friends Eddie Trunk and Don Jamieson.
My introduction to heavy metal was as hard as the music itself. My older brothers forced it on me. From twelve to fourteen, they blasted me with their favorite heavy metal songs while they schlepped me around town. At fifteen, they took me to my first concert at Madison Square Garden. It was a double-bill with Black Sabbath and Van Halen and it was fucking fantastic! I started building my own collection of music after that.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 12
