“We use to sing this at every fucking party,” they say.
Wow! That sounds like it was a fucking blast! I wish I had gone to your college! I didn’t put my arms around guys and sing songs at my college parties. Most nights, I was on the bathroom floor fucking a fatty!
Playing hip-hop music at white-trash weddings is another questionable experiment. I knew I had to quit when brides demanded I do this! If you’re wedding is in a VFW hall, in the middle of South Jersey, and Sterno cans are heating the fucking food, you don’t play hip-hop music! That’s a bad fucking mix!
The bride has daddy issues. We get it. You’re rebelling against your dad. He grew up on classic rock and but now you’re mad at him, and to piss him off you blast Drake at the wedding he’s financing. Ungrateful cunt!
Wedding DJs do it anyway. They think they can get away with playing safe hip-hop songs like “I Got a Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas. That song stinks.
I got a feeling this marriage won’t work out. I got a feeling this wedding is a disaster. I got a feeling half the bridesmaids will be crying at the end of the night because they can’t handle their alcohol. I got a feeling there will be a fistfight between two men because they can’t handle their booze, either. I got a feeling I’m going to shit myself on the way home because I had almonds in my green beans.
THAT’S THE FEELING I GOT!
Your Awful Wedding
Try to consider your friends when you plan your fucking wedding. Don’t make it too expensive and don’t make it stupid! Many years ago, I got a call from my buddy asking me to be in his wedding.
He said, “Hey, man I want you to be a groomsman but here’s the deal, you have to rent a hat and cane! Don’t worry all the groomsmen will wear the same thing.”
I said, “The only way I’m getting a hat and cane is if I can shit in the hat and wrap the cane around your fucking neck.”
He didn’t like that response but he got my point. I’d rather wear a hat full of shit than go to another awful wedding! Any wedding full of assholes twirling canes is going to be brutal.
If you’re thinking about inviting me to a wedding, don’t do it! I don’t want to be in your wedding party. I don’t want to buy a tuxedo or wear a fucking bow tie. And, I’m not renting any stupid shit like a cummerbund, top hat, or tails.
In fact, let’s ban tuxedos at weddings. Stop making people waste hundreds of dollars on something they’ll wear one time.
Of course, people look better in a tux, but who cares? Rocky Dennis, the deformed kid from the movie Mask, looks better in a tux. A tux changes him from a one to four on a scale of one to ten, but it’s still not worth it.
If you’re the best man, you’re forced to get a tux. That’s one reason I figured out a way to avoid being the best man in the future.
Friend: “Hey man, will you be my best man at my wedding?”
You: “I’d love to but I have to tell you something first. I was drunk one night and ate your fiancé’s box. You still want me to be your best man? No? I didn’t think so!”
NICE! I destroyed a relationship and saved myself a grand.
Even if you’re not in the wedding party you still have to wear a fucking suit. I only have one suit and when I bought it I made sure it could be worn in February or July. I need to be able to wear it in a snowstorm and a heat wave. I don’t want to hear shit from a girl who says it’s not the right color for a certain time of year. I don’t give a fuck. I’ve worn it five times in the last four years. The last time I wore it I found a roll in my suit pocket from the wedding before. It was still kind of fresh so I put it in the microwave and ate it.
Awful Person, Awful Plans
How and when you plan the wedding shows whether you are an awful person. For instance, never plan a wedding on a Sunday during football season! My comic friend Bob Levy, whom I love, did that one time. I was so fucking irritated I would miss the Dolphins game I brought a portable TV to the celebration, and I was in the fucking wedding party!
At one point, the planner had the wedding party line up for introductions. When they announced my name, I didn’t acknowledge the crowd because I was glued to the screen as I walked out on my intro. The Dolphins were about to score and I wasn’t missing it!
I even had that TV with me on the dance floor while I was forced to dance with one of the bridesmaids. It must have looked ridiculous to see me out there with that super long antenna waving around and me watching the game over the woman’s shoulder.
Even though I was watching the game, my dick was paying attention. I managed to get a hard-on because it was a long slow dance. That was a strange experience. I’ve never had an erection watching an NFL game before. I’m still not sure if it was rubbing on my dance partner or the sight of Dan Marino’s ass!
Douchebags in the wedding party love to wear sunglasses when they are introduced. These jerk-offs put the Men in Black sunglasses on and do a dance from that shitty movie from twenty years ago. Will Smith stinks and so does that movie. Most of the people don’t even get their joke. They are turning to each other saying, “Why are they wearing sunglasses indoors?”
I also hate that rehearsed little dance the wedding party does when they walk out. No one is thinking, Wow, I wonder what the next couple will do? This is going to be crazy. Oh, look the guy put his hands in the air and the girl shook her butt. This wedding is fun.
Everything about it reeks of desperation. They actually rehearsed that corny shit. Yuck! A bomb threat would be perfect for that moment when the wedding party is being introduced. They’d need to evacuate the building for a while and it would ruin that silly idea. Hopefully, their sunglasses would get trampled on the way out.
Catholic Mess
Here’s more advice: don’t have a Catholic Mass wedding! They are way too long and extremely boring.
At least make it interesting if you do. I was the best man at my brother’s wedding and when it was time to pull out the ring at the altar I handed him a glass stink bomb instead. His wife was so disgusted!
The only break you get is communion. But, to receive communion you have to clean your slate of sins and go to church every week. It’s funny how no one gives a shit about that if it’s a wedding. Eighty percent of the people go up to receive it whether they should or not.
During the last Catholic wedding I attended, I saw a guy who had just cheated on his wife go up and receive communion. A stripper gave him a blowjob at the bachelor party the night before and he was in line to receive the holy sacrament six hours later. I don’t think he had time to confess that sin let alone wash his mule off before he put his tux on.
Maybe people go up because the fucking service is so long. Everyone is hung-over and starving. Might as well take the snack the priest is offering! It will be a long fucking time before we eat! I’m sure some priests love the moment when a guy is about to receive communion and has his mouth open and tongue out.
Destination Weddings
The worst wedding is a destination wedding. Planning this kind of wedding is completely selfish! If you book a destination wedding, you’re a cunt.
If you insist on doing it, don’t invite anybody but your family. It’s $1,500 for plane tickets for two to St. Martin. Don’t get mad when your friends don’t show. I’m not going! Why would I travel that far to watch you both say “I do”? If both of you get on that plane and go, I have a feeling you’ll both say yes. No need for me to be there. Film it on your iPhone and send it to me. I’ll pretend that I watched it and tell you it looked great. Then, have a big party when you come back home. I’m not wasting my only vacation week of the year to watch you two get married when I know damn well six months later one of you will be sleeping on my couch because your marriage is falling apart already.
When I got married I had a destination wedding. The destination was the VFW hall down the street. Maybe that’s why my marriage was over in two years.
I hate when brides declare their wedding day My Day! No, it’s not. You just pick
ed a day on the calendar that worked for both of you. You rented a church or a hall on that specific day. That’s all you did.
“No, this is my day!” They say.
Is it really your day?
“Yeah, it’s my day. It’s Nikki’s day today!”
“Really? I was watching CNN today and I didn’t see that scroll across the bottom of the screen. If it was, they would have announced it—today is Nikki’s day because she found some fat guy to marry her!”
Cash Bar Backfire
Even if you go to a regular wedding, you spend a lot of money. They should itemize the costs on the fucking invitations. It sets you back at least a grand even if you’re not in the wedding party.
There are other hidden expenses like the gift money in the card, the hotel room, and whatever your date’s dress cost. A woman has to buy a new dress for every wedding no matter what.
You try to talk logic to her but it never works.
“Just wear the dress you wore to the last wedding, no one will know.”
“Yeah, but I’ll know.”
“No one from that last wedding will be at this one. No one will know, I promise!”
“Someone might find out.”
“Can’t you keep a secret? We had anal sex last night. Are you going to go around and tell everyone that secret? I mean, I already told my friends but I’m sure you can keep it under wraps.”
Here’s another thing that sucks—weddings with cash bars! If you have a cash bar, you’re a STINGY CUNT! I have to spend money to go to your dumb wedding and you make me pay for drinks?
In that case, I’ll pay for my drinks with the cash I put in your card. When I need a new round, I’ll open your gift card and take it from there. And because you had a shitty cash bar, I’m giving the bartender a huge tip every fucking time he pours me a new one!
Useless Wedding Gifts
Buying wedding gifts is another thing that sucks! The list of things that married couples ask for is a fucking nightmare. I don’t give a fuck if somebody needs a Crock-Pot. I’ll never look at another wedding registry unless it’s posted on the YouPorn homepage.
My solution is to give couples cash. Only chicks want gifts. How about I give you the cash and you go get the fucking gift? The last wedding I attended was for my male friend who is a fucking alcoholic and a gambler. I know that he’ll be happier with $300 bucks in an envelope than a salad bowl that he’ll never use!
That’s what a guy wants to open up on his wedding night—a salad bowl. He’d much rather open his wife’s ass cheeks and toss her salad.
Women really need to stop with the damn kitchen appliances. They want shit they don’t need like blenders, steamers, and toaster ovens. One time, I tried to reason with my ex-wife about needing a toaster.
“Hey baby, we don’t need a toaster, we never eat toast,” I said.
“Yeah, but we need it just in case people stay over,” she said.
The truth was we’d been living in a fucking condo for three years. Never had any guests except for one guy who stayed over because he was so fucking hammered. The next morning he didn’t ask for toast, he was in the bathroom puking his guts out while the toaster oven collected dust on the counter.
No one ever said, “I would take you up on the offer to stay but I know you won’t have toast for me in the morning.”
If you really want a gift that bad go buy it your fucking self!
BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPERS
On Black Friday, I hope no one gets up early. You are an idiot if you think you will get a $19 television by waiting in the freezing weather with three hundred other assholes.
IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
They are only giving away one TV for that price. The first person that gets in runs straight to the electronics department and gets that TV. No one else does.
Black Friday is out of control. Every year these idiotic crowds trample someone to death. Do you really want to be that person? Do you really want to be known as the asshole that lost his life trying to save $20 on an iPad?
How do you think your family will feel? They’ll have to live with that shame the rest of their lives. Imagine your siblings trying to explain that idiocy.
“Yeah, I had a brother once but he died.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”
“Well, he got trampled to death.”
“That’s fucking horrible! Was he trying to escape a burning building or something?”
“No, he died outside a Walmart at six in the morning trying to save $3 on an iPhone case.”
Rest in peace, retard!
Vows That Don’t Suck
The costs of weddings are bad enough. The stupid traditions are even worse. For instance, couples that write their own wedding vows are a fucking embarrassment! I heard my guy friend say in his vows he knew his wife was “the one” the first time he saw her.
NO, HE DIDN’T!
If that were true, he wouldn’t have waited four years, only to break down after she pressured him into the engagement.
He saw his wife for the very first time in a bar, and I was with him, and he said, and I quote, “Who is that chick with the big tits?” You didn’t buy her a ring that night, you ordered her the strongest drink possible. You didn’t want to get engaged, you wanted to get her loose so you could get a blowjob in the bar parking lot!
All her dumb friends were getting married so it put even more pressure on you. So, if you’re going to write your own vows, be honest.
Hey honey, you know we’re here today because you pressured the shit out of me to get married! Last year, I took you to Cancun on vacation. I couldn’t top that when your next birthday came up. I knew a sweater wouldn’t work this time. Then, your job offered free health insurance for families, and since I’ll need back surgery soon, I bought you this ring! With this ring, and under a fucking ton of pressure, I thee wed!
Now, that’s a TRUTHFUL wedding vow!
Cake Madness
Enough with the fucking wedding cakes! Nobody walks away from a wedding talking about how the cake tasted. I’ve been to forty-two weddings and nobody was raving about the cake the next day. So, there’s no reason to waste time on taste tests while you’re planning the wedding. I don’t even want to taste the cake that’s sitting on our kitchen counter three inches away from me. Cakes taste the same at a wedding or a kid’s Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.
My ex-wife wanted me to drive three hours on a football Sunday to taste cakes for the wedding. I wouldn’t drive that far for a threesome let alone for something that I stopped eating when I was five years old. Cake is for kids. If you’re an adult and you still like cake you have some underlying issues that are unresolved from childhood. Cake should be an afterthought once you’re an adult. It’s almost like when someone offers you a shot in the bar. You’re like, “Ok, I guess I’ll have it since everyone else is having one.”
Also, the cake is always served about three hours after the wedding begins. That’s the time everyone is drunk. Do you really think your guests will care if the cake tastes good after doing five shots of whiskey? You could serve dog shit and people wouldn’t notice the difference.
Then eventually the DJ fires up that awful “The Bride Cuts the Cake” song. At this point in the night, nobody gives a shit about the cutting of the cake but we’re forced to endure it.
I’m trying to pick up the maid of honor and I have a soggy six in my pants from slow dancing with her. Now, I have to watch people cut a cake? I already know how to cut a fucking cake!
I think the whole cake thing is stupid as fuck but there are guests that want to see if the bride and groom feed each other. The groom weighs 450 pounds. I have a feeling his mouth is going to be wide open during the cake feeding.
“Oh, isn’t that so cute! Did he just smear cake on her face? Oh, my goodness, isn’t this a fun wedding.”
NO, THERE’S NOTHING FUN ABOUT THAT.
I wish the groom would take the whole cake and dump it on
his bride’s head. “That’s for asking me to taste test this shitty cake and miss football Sunday!”
Freezer Burn
There is a dumb superstition with a wedding cake, too. Couples save a portion of the cake and keep it in their freezer until their first anniversary. It’s meant to be good luck for the marriage. You know what’s good luck? Your wife gets a personal trainer and she doesn’t fuck him. You know what else is good luck? You hire a good-looking nanny and your husband doesn’t fuck her.
If the cake tasted like shit at the wedding, how bad will it be a year later when it has freezer burn?
Eating a piece of the cake a year later has nothing to do with the future of your marriage. Imagine if one of your friends started having marriage problems and had to come over and sleep on your couch, even though you didn’t have toast for him in the morning.
“What happened to your marriage? You guys were always so happy!”
“We were getting along great but we forgot to eat our frozen wedding cake on our anniversary and things started to go downhill from there!”
If he really believed that stupid shit, I’d put him out of his misery by smothering him with a pillow.
Cock-Blockers on Crack
Another dumb tradition is having kids take part in the wedding. Kids shouldn’t be allowed at weddings because they ruin it for the adults. They get cake in their system and run around the dance floor like they’re on crack.
Everybody Is Awful_Except You! Page 18
