by Linda Stift
*
When we were travelling I was forever having to copy menus and send them to the emperor. The two of them would exchange the details of every dinner they took apart; the emperor, in particular, was interested in the dishes served in other places. He was a great eater; his appetite was never diminished by any misfortune, no matter how tragic. I enjoyed copying these lists; it gave me the pleasure of at least imagining the meals my édes lelkem had eaten. I also kept diaries for her; every day her weight had to be written down, and during her diets and cures I had to make a note of everything she ate and drank. She was incredibly pedantic in this regard.
*
Our trip to the Habsburg furniture collection yielded a commemorative screen mounted with photographs and pictures of important events in the life of Empress Elisabeth. It came from the bequest of one of the empress’s granddaughters, Erzsi, who became known as the Red Duchess, having married a socialist. Frau Hohenembs was beside herself when she saw the piece; she’d been totally unaware of its existence. She walked around the screen, squealing with delight whenever she spotted something of interest. Although many of the photographs were in her drawing room, she refused to leave the museum without the screen. She dropped her original plan to sabotage the special exhibition on the Sissi films – or to have me and Ida sabotage it. The exhibition consisted of several rooms with original furniture from Sissi’s childhood bedroom, which had later been used for the set of the Sissi films. A dress or two, a studio light, director’s chair with the director’s name, punctuated by film posters with Romy Schneider and Karlheinz Böhm, charts with Romy Schneider’s filmography, photos of her mother, Magda Schneider, and father, Wolf Albach-Retty. Three projectors showed loops from each of the three Sissi films in different languages. The first scene was in Schönbrunn Palace, where the newly married Sissi brings her Franzl a bunch of roses and complains that he spends all his time working at his desk, rather than looking after his young wife. Franzl is embarrassed and delighted by the flowers, but there’s nothing he can do because the documents are piling up and the servants keep carting in more. The second excerpt showed Sissi’s mother-in-law instructing a lady-in-waiting in guttural Spanish to take Sissi’s diary from the desk and give it to her, while in the third scene Sissi and Franzl were sitting on their thrones, hectically discussing something important in perfect Italian. The idea was for us to throw sand into the projectors and deface the posters. Ida had sand and fluorescent markers in her new rucksack. We’re no match for these Sissi films and Romy Schneider’s fresh and rosy face, Frau Hohenembs said. And you had to give the actress credit for distancing herself from these kitsch productions later on and moving to revolutionary France – of all places – where she played completely different roles. She was still young and under the influence of her mother; it’s easy to do things you regret afterwards. How could she have rebelled? Born into an acting family that, from early childhood, prescribed for her parts she had to play. There were parallels with the empress. For a young duchess, destined to marry into one of the royal houses of Europe, an emperor was a real stroke of luck, especially a young, handsome one to whom she was related. She could have come off far worse, like her sisters. A cancelled engagement to King Ludwig of Bavaria, who with his theatrical disposition was thoroughly unsuited to his position; an impotent husband; expulsion from the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies; a child out of wedlock; the premature death of a husband. She was spared all of this. Later, Frau Hohenembs continued, she escaped all her burdensome representational duties and, for a monarch of her time, carved out an unusually independent life beyond the court ceremonial, unconcerned with what the flunkeys and people thought, just as Romy Schneider broke free from her mother at some point, stopped worrying about the opinions of her entourage and the public, and turned down another, long-planned, film in the series. One had to acknowledge this, and her unconventional beauty spoke in her favour too. The empress didn’t conform to the ideal of beauty of her era either, and yet she was indisputably a style icon, as people say today, just as Romy Schneider is an icon for modern sapphics. So Romy Schneider was spared and we had to improvise. As we were the only visitors in the museum, Ida and I managed to fold shut the screen unimpeded and remove it from the exhibition rooms. No alarm was triggered. Frau Hohenembs showed the ticket lady a piece of paper and said the screen’s wood needed restoring, upon which the lady picked up the phone and talked to someone who evidently gave his assent. Frau Hohenembs signed a form that the ticket lady had filled out. She also bought a box set of the three Sissi films that was still on special offer and a packet of three Sissi pictures, and – everything perfectly above board – we carried the screen out of the museum. Now it’s standing beside Frau Hohenembs’s bed, which has led to a substantial improvement in the night-time loo situation.
*
At the great Vienna World Exposition, which was years in the preparation and lasted six months, she was conspicuous by her absence. No small number of members of Europe’s royal houses were bitterly disappointed, as they had come just to see her. Round the clock the entire imperial family were busy with representational duties, with the ‘hustle and bustle’. My kedvesem kept coming up with excuses, such as Holy Week or a variety of indispositions, and rarely let herself be ‘thrust into the fray’. When the entire city was unsettled by news of a cholera outbreak, this played into her hands. She interrupted her summer holiday in Payerbach only for the Shah of Persia, for he threatened not to leave until he had been personally introduced to my petal, and he unashamedly took over the quarters put at his disposal in Laxenburg. ‘The Centre of the Universe’ was a difficult guest indeed. Cooking stoves, butcher’s blocks and fire pits for the enormous smoking pipes had to be installed in his apartments; lambs had to be slaughtered and roasted before his eyes, naturally causing damage to the parquet floors. He had his own chicken house erected, for he personally used to slaughter three of the birds at sunrise. He would often turn up hours late to gala dinners and openings, because his astrologist had advised him against the fixed schedule on account of unfavourable constellations, recommending a different time instead. And when he finally was able to lay his eyes upon her, his joy was so great that, in front of everyone present, he cried, Ah, qu’elle est belle! To the relief of us all, he was gracious enough to leave the following day.
*
A few days after our visit to the Habsburg furniture collection Frau Hohenembs handed me a flyer for a summer ball. All Sissi fans were requested to appear in an evening gown based on a historic Sissi dress. The theme of the ball was Sissi for a Night. Around midnight a vote would take place to elect Miss Sissi 2007. The winner would receive her weight in original Viennese violet pralines. We’re going to win those pralines, Frau Hohenembs giggled, with a hand to her mouth. Then she frowned and said grimly, Besides, we have to stop one of those bogus Sissis from winning. I can picture exactly how tasteless these women are going to look when they turn up. I’m too old, unfortunately, but you could do it. As usual she did not ask for my opinion. She began rummaging through her wardrobe and actually found a dress for me, which I was to wear as Empress Sissi. A white ball gown, spangled with golden stars, and a see-through tulle sash. She let me try it on there and then; it didn’t fit and was too long in any case. How short you are, Frau Hohenembs exclaimed, as if only noticing this for the first time, then she said, There’s no time left to slim. Ida will let it out a bit at the waist and take it up at the bottom. A corset would be a waste of time; you need to be laced into one for years to get a decent waist. She delved further into her chest and pulled out a pair of cream-coloured shoes of iridescent satin with curved heels. The parrots shuffled up and down their perches, observing me with their drawing-pin eyes, but kept their traps shut. That same afternoon Ida made the alterations to the dress, while my feet swelled up inside the shoes. Ida cursed me until the dress finally fitted. I swore to myself that I would lose weight, even if Frau Hohenembs thought it was too late. It was never too late; a kilo or two
was always possible, especially from the tummy. I thought of the thirty-five kilos I’d once been and knew that I could reach that weight again any time I wanted to. But I didn’t want to; I was sensible. I forced myself to tolerate all the flesh and fat on my bones. It was healthier to weigh fifty kilos instead of thirty-five. I knew this, but I didn’t feel it. My body didn’t feel it. All it felt was lead weights pressing it down. The idea of the pralines weighed down on me too; the thought of having fifty kilos of chocolate in the apartment was too much, even for me. That is not the sort of stock you want. Ida had to adjust the seam of the puff sleeves too, for they were cutting into my arms. They were still too narrow afterwards, but Ida refused to alter them again. She went into the kitchen, leaving me there in a dress I couldn’t get out of on my own. I sat carefully on a chair and stopped the dog sniffing beneath the flounced-skirt part. Frau Hohenembs came in and shooed him away. What are you doing sitting there and creasing that dress? That’s not why I had it altered for you! I’m waiting for Ida; I can’t take it off on my own, I replied. Ida! she called. Help her out of the dress, quickly, quickly! Chewing on something, Ida shuffled into the drawing room and helped me peel off the dress. She smelled of bacon – that surely wouldn’t be jotted down in her notebook. There isn’t a minute’s peace in this household, she griped, tugging at the material to pull it over my head. The dress and the shoes were put back in the wardrobe. From then until the ball – it was only two days – I took a leaf out of Frau Hohenembs’s book and got by on liquids. Ida indulged her appetite to the full. On the afternoon of the big event I could only take a quick shower as Frau Hohenembs and Ida occupied the bathroom together for hours. Both of them wore black silk dresses. I was looking forward to the ball and could barely wait to be among people again. I wanted to dance, drink, maybe snog someone, forget everything. Maybe I’d bump into Charlotte, I thought in a moment of madness. She wouldn’t dream of going to an event like that. I’d never have had the idea myself to enter a Sissi-lookalike competition. Their influence on me had been so strong that I was now keen to do it of my own volition and I could already picture myself as the queen of the ball. I was thinking of escape and hoping that someone – Charlotte! – would abduct and liberate me from Frau Hohenembs. With Ida’s help, I put on the gown and then had to sit down at the dressing table in Frau Hohenembs’s bedroom so Ida could arrange my hair. She brushed with rough strokes and tied two simple plaits that hung down to the left and right. My hair was not long enough for any complicated coils around the head of the sort you could see in the copies of Sissi’s photos. Frau Hohenembs took a handful of stars set with rhinestones from a box and attached them to my plaits. She took a step back, examined her work. Fantastic, the pralines are ours, she exclaimed, What do you say, Ida? Ida nodded. No jewellery and no make-up, I think, Frau Hohenembs said. That way she’ll stand out from all those kitsch Sissis. The empress never wore make-up and she had little time for jewellery either. I was surprised myself; although my hanging plaits didn’t match Sissi’s classic hairstyle – the fashion of the time was evidently for hair tied up – the overall look was remarkably similar. This was chiefly down to the dress and the rhinestone stars, but I also had the same hair colour and was just as pale as the Sissi in the pictures, and this in summer.
*
On one occasion she had the newest circus attraction in Buda brought to Gödöllő: two Negro girls, fused at birth. The emperor was so horrified he wouldn’t even look at them. Another time a travelling entertainer arrived with a dancing bear during her summer holiday. Her partiality to such attractions was known far and wide, encouraging all manner of characters to try their luck. We had great fun with the bear, which she fed, stroked and made jump into a lake. In spite of her desperate pleas to the emperor he refused to buy it for her – he found these sorts of sensations unsettling. In Merano she had the giantess Eugénie, who weighed 200 kilograms and who was on display in a show booth, collected by carriage and taken to her residence for inspection. In Verona she visited the Missionary Institute for Negroland, a school where poor Negroes who had been bought out of slavery were taught and sent to Africa as missionaries, so that they could pray there with their brothers and sisters to the Lord of all mankind. Years later we were forced to put up with the Negro dwarf Rustimo as a playmate for her youngest daughter. She had him baptized, giving him the name of the crown prince, who even became his godfather! A terrible creature, somewhere between human and animal; moreover he chased the girls, until he was drafted as a gardener. In Paris she dragged us into a park where one could ride elephants, camels and ostriches. She herself did not dare mount one of these animals because of the scandal it might cause, but the ladies and gentlemen of her entourage had to ride the exotic creatures, which she found highly amusing. In her apartments in the Hofburg monkeys would swing from the gymnastic rings and curtains, parrots squawked and dogs went chasing through the rooms. The monkeys were the worst, screeching and, like cancan dancers, showing off their polished backsides and brazen front parts so provocatively that one no longer knew where to look.
*
When the taxi driver saw me he knew. Don’t tell me, you’re going to the ball. You’re already the third Sissi in my cab this evening. After ten minutes we stopped outside a palais. Stuck to a poster stand was a likeness of the empress, her hair glittering with diamond stars. A lilac-coloured ribbon ran diagonally across the poster, announcing the theme of the ball: Sissi for a Night. In the picture Sissi had rather chubby cheeks and an obscenely fleshy neck. Ida paid with two notes and a coin, and waited for the exact change. She opened the car door for Frau Hohenembs and helped her out, while in my voluminous dress I hauled myself out of the taxi on my own. The tulle sash caught on the bodywork and I almost fell flat on my face. For goodness’ sake, be careful, Frau Hohenembs cried. You’ll ruin my dress. Heavens, you’re so clumsy! By the way, do you think my neck is too fat? Jutting out her chin, she felt with both hands her skinny, wrinkled neck. I assured her that her neck was long and slim. The taxi drove off and we walked up the gravel drive to the illuminated palais, where countless women, some in ludicrous ball gowns, were already mingling. One girl with loose blonde hair was wearing a white, Empire-style dress that certainly wouldn’t have been in fashion during Sissi’s time – the soft, slack but also figure-hugging material would have been scandalous anywhere apart from in the theatre – while undressed hair would have been impossible, and on her head sat a diadem that bore greater resemblance to a monstrance than a crown. All of a sudden I felt silly in my dress and plaits. I found it childish to be without make-up and I hoped I wouldn’t meet anyone I knew, even though an hour ago I’d still been full of excitement about the evening. Ida took the tickets from her handbag and we were each given a box with four Mozart balls as an offering. Ida unwrapped her chocolates and put them in her mouth. She chewed and swallowed them as if she were tucking into a slice of bread and butter. Why bother carrying them around? she replied to the look from Frau Hohenembs, who slipped her own box into the folds of her dress. I was undecided and hungry – in the last few days I’d eaten only vegetable broth and beef soup. Eating nothing at home isn’t difficult. You know what you’ve let yourself in for, you’ve taken the appropriate precautions. But as soon as you find yourself somewhere else, outside or in the company of lots of other people, the feeling of hunger gnaws away at you like a persistent rodent. On the other hand, I didn’t want to spoil my waist by eating sweet things now. Noticing my conflict, Frau Hohenembs took the decision for me by snatching the box out of my hand and giving it to Ida for safe keeping. Ida put it in her bag, which she clasped shut. I was sure she’d secretly eat the chocolates herself at the first opportunity, probably in the loo. While you’re wearing this dress you’re not going to eat a thing, do you understand? And certainly not chocolate. What on earth were you thinking? Frau Hohenembs threatened me with her index finger. But she was in a good mood and already striding through the crowd of people to the curved steps leading up to the entran
ce, Ida and I gliding in her wake. A swarm of Sissi imitations with their male companions, some in tails or dinner jackets, some in a sort of fantasy uniform and with stick-on Franz Joseph mutton chops, were clogging up the entrance to the ballroom, where a dancing master was just announcing a quadrille. We can’t go in there, Frau Hohenembs groaned. I feel unwell with all these people around. We went down the steps on the other side and she directed us into the garden, which was decorated with colourful Chinese lanterns and garlands. There were fewer people here. Waiters swaggered across the lawn; we took a glass of Sekt and Frau Hohenembs toasted me. To you, the future Miss Sissi! Even Ida clinked glasses with me. Here’s to you winning all those pralines! she cried, before downing her glass in one. It dawned on me that my life in the household of these two could become more difficult if I didn’t win the pralines. I looked around; the other costumes were trashy and cheap, as Frau Hohenembs had predicted. Only a few were original or authentic. I could be content with my clothes; my hair was the only worry. It was too conservative and didn’t match the historical prototype. We were approached by an elderly grey-haired man in tails, who tugged Frau Hohenembs’s arm towards him to plant a kiss on her fingers. It didn’t seem to bother him that in a hand-kiss the lips and fingers don’t actually touch. Rather than letting go of her arm, he swung it back and forth in a fit of what seemed like childish pleasure. He bowed slightly to Ida and myself. Whom do we have here, dear Countess? he asked, squinting at me. This is a brand-new face. That’s my niece, Baron Kalmar. She’s going to take part in the Miss Sissi competition. With some effort Frau Hohenembs extracted her arm. Excuse me, Kalmar murmured. You understand. It’s all right, Baron, it’s all right, don’t worry about it. We’ve known each other so long now… I’d never heard Frau Hohenembs talk to anybody with such affection. Only now did I notice that the baron suffered from a tic. He kept shifting from one foot to the other and his upper body moved from side to side. He tried to hide both his arms behind his back, but they shot out to the front, grabbing at invisible things in the air. Formidable! he cried. She’s certainly got my vote. He waved to a waiter. I was so weak with hunger that I could barely stand on my own two legs. The Sekt was already going to my head and, like Ida, I knocked back the second glass, which Baron Kalmar offered me, just to get some calories. The baron spilled his drink on his tailcoat. We’ll have that cleared up in a jiffy, Frau Hohenembs said, rubbing him with a cloth handkerchief, as the two of them giggled like adolescents. Ida opened her bag and took out a Mozart ball. I implored her to give me one or I’d die of hunger, so she unwrapped a chocolate for me and put it in my mouth. This came as such a surprise that I couldn’t feel any disgust – the truth is, I hate being fed; it’s an invasion of my privacy. I chewed and swallowed quickly so Frau Hohenembs wouldn’t notice anything, but she was still busy with the baron, who was chuckling with joy. Ida gave me a second chocolate, which I practically swallowed whole, then she ate the final one herself. Would you please do me the honour of a dance? the baron begged Frau Hohenembs. But you know I don’t dance, she replied. He sighed. As inflexible as ever. Let’s have another drink. He motioned again to a waiter; we drank our third glass and this time he managed not to spill a drop. Frau Hohenembs took a sip and tipped the rest into a plant pot. The baron bobbed up and down, threw his glass away for want of anywhere to put it down, licked his lips, squinted at me, then at Ida, as if unable to decide, and finally ventured an invitation. Frau Ida, would you? I was relieved that he hadn’t asked me. Ida looked at the ground and whispered, But Herr Baron! Surely you will allow me, Countess, to abduct your Ida. Come, Frau Ida! Frau Hohenembs nodded; the baron grabbed Ida’s arm and pulled her away. You smell delightfully of chocolate, we could hear him murmur before they dived into the sea of people. I took another glass of Sekt from a waiter’s tray, to rinse out my mouth so Frau Hohenembs wouldn’t smell the chocolate on my breath. Watch your drinking, she said. You look inebriated to me. I don’t want you tumbling off the stage at midnight. I need the loo, I said, feeling disinhibited by the alcohol. Will you be all right on your own? Make sure you have a clear head, she called out as I left. And look after the dress! Don’t you dare have anything to eat! I pushed past pseudo-Sissis and copycat Franz Josephs, and took a deep breath when I was out of Frau Hohenembs’s sight. I wanted to go somewhere where I could relax, close my eyes and put my feet up, because the shoes were pinching. But the few seats were all occupied. As I passed the ballroom, I peered in, but I couldn’t see Ida or the baron. Those inside were still dancing a quadrille; the two rows of men and women swayed towards each other, then joined up like the two sides of a zip. At the buffet people were piling rolls, lavish salads and breaded meat onto their plates. I didn’t dare go any further into the room. They were wild animals scrambling for prey, and even if I had been certain that I could eat without making a mess, I was worried that one of the animals might tip a plate of egg salad down my dress. I was also thinking of my waist. At that very moment it was ideal; the dress was pleasantly slack and I didn’t feel squeezed into it. Only the sleeves were tight. I couldn’t puke in this dress and with these plaits. I could get a roll or two and eat them outside, to stave off the worst of the hunger, I thought. That way I’d be safe from the animals and I’d maintain my waist. But I knew myself. When I start, there’s no stopping. Frau Hohenembs would kill me if she noticed a mark on the dress, I thought. And yet I was highly skilled at vomiting. In the past I’d thrown up while wearing all sorts of clothes and only seldom got dirty. But it was too risky. It didn’t just depend on me, but on the loo; in some the water came too fast out of the cistern, in others the flow was gentler. I stood there indecisively, staring at the buffet. All of the sensible reasons I advanced against eating crumbled at the sight of this mountain of food, which the catering team kept piling up anew. What are you doing? I heard Ida whisper. Have you gone mad? You mustn’t eat anything. Ida and the baron were standing arm in arm beside me, breathing heavily. Ida had red blotches all over her face and the baron looked like a tomcat who had just lapped up an entire bowl of cream. They were standing so close to one another, as if they were a pair of lovebirds, and the baron was bobbing from side to side and kept snuggling up to Ida. Please, get away from the buffet, Ida begged me. If the dress gets at all dirty then we’re both in for it. This was the first time she’d ever lumped the two of us together. I attributed this to the fact that she’d been momentarily softened, no doubt by the baron’s seed. I turned around and left the dining room. See you later, the baron called out after me. You can count on my vote! I stood in the queue for the loos and waited, letting through a few fake Sissis who were fidgeting and claiming they couldn’t last a second longer. I was in no hurry myself, although the thought of Frau Hohenembs on her own in the garden made me uncomfortable. Ida and I delayed our return outside, although Ida had more fun than I did: sex and good food. I wandered around aimlessly, devoured by the thought of the buffet. And I was light years away from sex. I suspected that by now a storm was brewing inside Frau Hohenembs that would come thundering down on the two of us later. Maybe even on the baron; after all, he’d abducted Ida. The cubicles were spacious; I vomited. Then I returned to Frau Hohenembs. As I’d suspected, she was in a bad mood. Where on earth have you been? You need to put your name down for the competition. Ida hadn’t reappeared yet. We can’t wait for Ida; God only knows where she’s got to. We have to put your name down now, she reiterated, pulling me by the arm all the way across the garden, the tight seam of the sleeve chafing my skin. In the furthest corner was a table where a man and woman were sitting, a list in front of them. Frau Hohenembs said my name and I was given a piece of cardboard with the number 169 on it, which I had to hold above my head when we paraded down the catwalk at midnight. My hopes vanished. There were bound to be more than 200 Sissis. The man from the voting committee put a sign on the table: Entries close 23.50. Frau Hohenembs checked her pocket watch. It’s ten thirty now. And you’re going to run rings around these cheap Sissis. I’m counti
ng on you. Think of the pralines! We went back and saw in the distance Ida and the baron. He was clasping her arm and using the crowd to press up against Ida’s body, which she happily complied with. You left me alone for a long time, Baron, Frau Hohenembs said with reproach in her voice. She didn’t even glance at Ida. But the most gracious lady didn’t wish to dance… the baron replied suggestively. Somehow I got the impression that he and Ida had had sex again in the meantime. They radiated such sated contentment, a blissfully distorted smile, which they neither could nor wanted to hide. I’m afraid I have to leave you, the baron said. I’m on the jury and we have a final meeting before the vote. You can be sure, he said, turning to me with a faintly jittery nod, that I shall do everything I can to ensure that you receive not only my vote. He kissed Frau Hohenembs’s hand first, then Ida’s, holding on to it for far too long and swinging it back and forth uncontrollably. Seemingly wanting to kiss the hand again, he changed his mind and flung it away violently. Ida cried out in horror. Pull yourself together! Frau Hohenembs barked. You’re making yourself look ridiculous! Ida was beside herself, breathing heavily, and the blissful smile had now sunk into the downturned corners of her mouth; she was already suffering from her lover’s absence.
