by Annie Jocoby
“I don’t know. I suppose his career would be over.”
“Precisely. There’s a double standard about this. The female bisexual is hot. Men have fantasies about two women together. Women brag about having same-sex affairs in college. It’s cool to be a female bisexual. The male bisexual is not so accepted.”
True.
Dr. Halder continued. “Do you know about the Kinsey study?”
I did know something about that. “Uh, Kinsey stated that sexuality is fluid, and that nobody is entirely homosexual and heterosexual.”
“Right. Sexuality is on a continuum.”
I nodded. “I admit that I don’t really know what that means.”
At that, Dr. Halder produced a little line chart with a moveable slide. He put the slide in the very middle of the line. “Here is an illustration of one’s sexuality. On the left side is complete homosexuality. You are attracted to your same sex, and only your same sex. On the right side is complete heterosexuality. You are attracted to the opposite sex and only the opposite sex. And right here, in the middle of this line, is a true bisexual. That person is attracted to men and women equally.”
I nodded.
“Now, where would you place yourself?”
I moved the little slide far to the right.
“I see you moved the slide far to the right, as far as it can go.”
I nodded.
“That means that you have no attraction to the same sex.”
I thought about it for a second. I remembered at least two occasions when I met women to whom I was extremely attracted. I even had fantasies about one of them. I also had a massive girl crush on my college roommate. And I often fantasized about women when I masturbate, especially voluptuous women that I encounter on the street.
“Um, let me change my answer.” At that, I slid the little slide slightly more to the left. Then slid it a bit more after that.
“I see you moved the slide further to the left.”
I looked at Ryan. He was still studying the paperweight.
“Yes, I, um, have attractions to certain women.”
“Have you ever been with a woman?”
“No.” Why is this suddenly about me?
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know. I guess, uh, I guess I’m afraid to be.”
“Afraid?”
“Yes. You know, it’s taboo and everything.”
“Ok.” He looked at Ryan. “Ryan, would you like to add anything here?”
He drummed his fingers lightly on the side of the love seat we were on. He took the slide in his hands and moved the slide further to the left, much further than where I had moved the slide.
He looked me in the eye. “This is where I am at on the continuum.”
The slide was just right of center.
“Oh,” was all I managed to say.
Dr. Halder motioned Ryan to go on.
Ryan took a deep breath. He looked at Dr. Halder. “I can’t tell her about this. Can you help me?”
Dr. Halder took the bait. “Ryan called me very distressed this week, concerned that you had found out about a man by the name of Nick.”
“Nick, yes.”
“Has Ryan told you anything about Nick?”
“No. I suppose that would be why I’m here today, in this office, to find out about that.”
“Yes. Ryan indicated to me that he wanted a safe place to discuss with you his relationship with Nick, so that you can get your questions answered by a trained professional.”
“Who is Nick?”
Dr. Halder looked at Ryan.
Ryan nodded his head.
“Nick has been in Ryan’s life since Ryan was very young,” Dr. Halder began. He again looked at Ryan.
Ryan looked at me, took a deep breath. “Uh, I can take this from here.” Taking another deep breath, he began. “Nick and I grew up together. We went to grade school, middle school and high school together and were roommates at Harvard.” He continued, exhaling mightily. He played with his own hair, smoothing it back. He fidgeted with his collar. His hands went back to his hair, finger combing it.
He continued. “We were friends. Just friends. But he, he, saved my life.”
I looked at him, perplexed. What was he talking about? He continued. “Well, you know, I was really into drugs during my Harvard days. I was high all the time. The only reason why I got through school was because I paid somebody to take notes in class, and I would use speed to cram for the exams. Nick was not into drugs at all. He was constantly trying to get me off of them.”
“Go on.”
“Well, the drugs were not the only problem. I was also severely depressed in college. Uh, there were, uh, things in my childhood that were weighing me down, that I was trying to forget. So I took the drugs to try to numb the pain.”
I nodded, silently encouraging him. He was having an easier time talking. “I was having a particularly rough semester. I was in an off period from Alexis, and I was dating another girl. Things were not going well with her, and I was constantly having nightmares. Constantly. Every night. I mean, I always did well in school, but the pressure was always there. And my father…” He broke off there. His breathing was coming harder now.
Your father what?
But he didn’t elaborate on that.
“Anyhow, the pressure was getting to me, so I bought a gun. I loaded it, and put it to my chin. I was about to pull the trigger when Nick started knocking on the locked door.” His eyes were watering as he looked away in the distance. “I screamed at him to go away and leave me alone. He persisted. Of course, he had a key, but I had barricaded the door with a bookcase.” More finger-combing, then his hands were on his pants leg, then he had his keys in his hands, and were flipping them around. Over and over. Dr. Halder tossed Ryan a little squeeze ball, and Ryan gripped it, squeezing it again and again. He wasn’t looking at me at all.
He continued. “Nick came through our sliding glass door. We were on the sixth floor, and we had a balcony. So did our next door neighbor, so Nick went to the next door neighbor, got on their balcony and leaped onto our balcony to come through the door. He risked his life doing so, as there were several feet between our balcony and their balcony. Once through the door, he tackled me before I could get the shot off.”
I was feeling overwhelmed again. Nevertheless, I motioned for him to go on with his story.
“I hated him right then. I wanted to die, and he didn’t let me. But, later on that night, we were having a beer in our room, and I was feeling very thankful by then about what he did for me. And we, uh…” He looked at Dr. Halder desperately. Then started squeezing the ball again, his knuckles turning white. His hands came to his face, as he rubbed his cheeks and eyes. More finger combing.
“We, uh, we kissed that night. And, we, uh, got intimate.”
My eyes were wide. “How intimate?”
“Just oral.”
Just oral? I was going to have to wrap my head around this.
“Ok, then that happened that night. I can deal.”
“Actually, it didn’t end there. I mean, we were buddies still, we were always buddies. But we started having oral sex on a regular basis.” Ok, so it was an on-going affair. Still manageable.
“Where’s Nick now?”
“He, uh, lives in Mission Hills.” This was another ritzy Kansas City suburb, as ritzy as Hallbrook. “He has a wife and two children, and he’s very happy with them.”
Ok, so Nick lives in town. “Do you still see him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still….” I made a meaningful face.
“Yes. Or, at least we did, up until I met you.”
“Oh.” There was nothing more to say.
I began again after finding my words. “How do you feel about him?”
He looked at Dr. Halder. “I, I, I am in love with him.”
I looked at Dr. Halder, panic in my eyes. “Is this possible? I mean, you said that people can be attracted to the s
ame sex and be heterosexual. Can someone be in love with somebody from the same sex and still be heterosexual?”
Dr. Halder began. “Yes, it’s quite common.”
“Oh.” I relaxed a little.
Ryan continued on. “Nick has been there for me through the absolute worst times in my life. Through the drugs, through the almost suicide, through the divorce, through losing Mia. He has always been there, rock solid for me. I love him very much as a friend, but I love him as more than a friend as well. He’s been the only consistent person in my life. Ever.”
“So, where do we go from here?” I asked.
Ryan looked at Dr. Halder. “Go ahead and tell her what I told you the last time I was here.”
Dr. Halder addressed me. “Ryan is very much in love with you. He sees a future with you. He also loves Nick, but he expressed to me that, if you had a problem with his relationship with Nick, he would be willing to cut off intimate contact with him. However, Ryan would very much like to keep Nick as a friend, at least.”
I looked at Ryan. “What is your preference?”
“I would prefer to keep things the way that they are with Nick.”
“Meaning…”
“Meaning, I would like the option to continue to be intimate with him. But, if you’re not ok with this, then I’ll cut that off. And, like I said, we haven’t done anything together since you and I met. And I don’t think that we will. But, over the years, he fulfilled a need in me that is hard to explain. I hope that you can understand that.”
“You guys don’t…” I made a circle with my thumb and forefinger, and jabbed my other forefinger in and out of the circle.
“No. We’ve never done that.”
“Good.” As far as I know, it’s difficult to catch diseases from doing oral.
I had to admit that this encounter was an education for me. I had my prejudices, as do most people, about men being intimate with other men. I didn’t think that there were male bisexuals. I guess I didn’t think about men being the same as women in that regard. That, just as women can love people from both sexes, so can men.
“So, what’re you thinking?” he asked anxiously.
“Well, I’d like to meet this Nick.”
“What else are you thinking?”
“I want you to be happy and have your freedom. I suppose that, as long as our relationship isn’t harmed, you can continue to do what you want with Nick.” I surprised myself that I was able to come to this conclusion so quickly.
He looked astonished and thrilled. “I’m so in love with you right now.”
“Well, I don’t want to limit your freedom. You would only resent me. And, this isn’t a Brokeback Mountain situation, right? I mean, those guys didn’t love their wives, only each other.”
“No, this isn’t Brokeback Mountain. I’m very much in love with you, more so than I’ve ever been with anybody in my entire life. I’ve no doubt about that. But Nick fulfills another side of me. I’m so grateful that you can understand that.”
I was confused, more confused than I had ever been. How can he love me and a man as well? And why does he want to keep his erotic life with Nick and have one with me?
Later on, after we’d arrived home, I realized that I needed some time with all of this. It was too much to digest all at once. I mean, I had an inkling that it was coming. Hell, I had a very large heads up that this was coming, with Alexis’ cruel comment about both of us being in the closet. But, hearing the words was something different altogether.
Bisexual.
The man I love is bisexual.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryan met me at our home, arriving a few minutes after me. He didn’t know what to say to me and I didn’t know what to say to him. A large part of me resented him, felt that he sucked me into his life without giving me pertinent details, such as his love affair with a man. I mean, if it was an isolated incident, or it was on-going affair, but happened years and years ago, that would be one thing. But it was on-going recently. And it was apparently important to him to keep it as an option. That was just a little too much to handle.
I had to get away to think about this. See what happens? You move in with this guy, now this. You have nowhere to go.
“Um, how do I put this?” I began. Ryan was looking at me expectantly. I continued “I think I need some time to process this. If you don’t mind, I would like to stay with my mother for a few days.”
Ryan nodded, but looked very hurt. “I figured that you were not really ok with this.”
“Well, I don’t know that yet. I might be ok with this. I might not be. I need some time to decompress and maybe do some research on this topic.”
“Listen, Iris, I meant what I said. You’re the most important thing to me. If you’re not ok with this, then I promise never to do anything with Nick sexually.”
I shook my head. “No, really, I don’t want that. You’ll just end up resenting me. I mean, if you and Nick have been lovers for ten years, then this is obviously something that’s important to you, too. I don’t want to change you. I want you to be happy and have what you want.”
“What I want is you.”
“I understand that. I really do. But, I’m a newcomer here. We’ve only known each other a few months. You can get over me very quickly, and you’ll probably be able to find a woman who is completely ok with your lifestyle. I might be that woman. I don’t know yet. But, what I do know is that you’ll be ok, either way.” Will I be ok too? That was another story. But I wasn’t going to tell him that. I turned my face away from him, not wanting to see the stricken look on his face at my words.
I sighed. I realized that I had gotten myself into quite a dilemma. I relied upon Ryan to save me, because I had no place to go when I was evicted because of Madison. Now, if I move out, I really will have no place to go. Why would I do this? What’s wrong with me? I left myself with no options. I should’ve known better.
I went upstairs and packed a light bag and put Madison in her carrier. She yowled and cried, because she, like all cats, hates the carrier. “Shhh, Maddy, don’t cry,” I said, stupidly. Madison wasn’t going to understand my words. She’s a cat. Nonetheless, I tried to calm her down as best as I could.
I turned around and Ryan was standing in the doorway, looking very upset. “You can leave her here, you know.”
I shook my head. “She’s my responsibility, but thank you. I think that I’ve relied on you too much.”
“I want you to rely on me, don’t you understand?” He looked angry now. “I mean, I know why you’re leaving right now. I pray to god that you come back. I know why you need some time. Any woman would. What I don’t know is why you’re constantly keeping me at arm’s length.”
I sighed. “Listen, Ryan, you told me that you thought you were falling in love with me on the first date. The first date! This isn’t Romeo and Juliet. People don’t fall in love like that.” Suddenly, I was angry. “So, yes, I think that you’re full of shit. I really don’t know how I could think any differently. You still don’t really know me. And I certainly don’t know you. Today proved that.”
Then Ryan let loose with lightning quick rage. He took a crystal egg that was sitting on the dresser and threw it down below. It smashed into a million tiny pieces. “Goddamn it, why do you doubt me? I try to get you to understand how I feel about you, and you just shit on me! Fine, leave, never come back for all I fucking care. Leave! Just leave! I don’t want you here!”
I was scared now, but, for some odd reason, not as scared as I should’ve been. Been here, done this. He’s turning out like all the rest after all. I simply raised an eyebrow, picked up the yowling cat and my bag and walked out the door.
As I was getting into my ancient car, I looked up and there was something else that came crashing through the window up above. It was a vase. Maybe I was in shock, but I found it all somewhat humorous that he was destroying his own stuff, simply because I really didn’t have anything in the house to destroy. I mean, I had
clothes there…Woops, here come the clothes through the window now. I sighed, picking them up off the pavement and throwing them in the back of the car. I waited, figuring that he would throw all my clothes out, which he did. I spent the better part of an hour picking up the clothes off the pavement and packing them up in the car.
Then, with the cat yowling at fever pitch, and all my worldly possessions in the back of the car, I drove off.
Chapter Seventeen
Ryan
I don’t know how it happened, but the woman that I love is gone. Of course she is. Who wouldn’t be? Who would really understand a man who is in love with his best friend? But she can never understand that I feel for her more strongly than I have ever felt about anybody.
Not really sure why.
It just feels right.
And now she’s gone.
I made my way to my bathroom. My head was in the toilet as I was vomiting out my guts. Something feels like it is torn out of me. Now there was literally nothing left, as I sit beside the bowl, my two dogs lying beside me.
Then I called Nick.
“Hey,” I said to him. “Iris, is…”
“Iris is what?” he asked.
“She’s…” I can’t bring myself to say the words. There is a part of me that is in denial that any of this is true. Alexis never made her way over here and made a cruel comment. Iris is still here, in the dark, but here with me. She’s still in love with me. Of course, in reality, I don’t really know if she is in love with me, or ever was. She never tells me how she feels about me. She’s inscrutable, elusive, and I never quite know where I stand. Well, at least that was true.
I know where I stand now, unfortunately, with her.
Nowhere.
“Out with it.” Nick has no patience for this.
“Nothing.” If I don’t say the words, then they aren’t true.
He sighed. “Do I have to ask Alexis about this?”
Hearing the word Alexis snapped me out of my pity party. “Don’t talk to that bitch again,” I said.
