by Annie Jocoby
Just the same, I put every rose in the composter, after carefully snipping off the buds.
When Richard got home that night from work, I told him “Good news. You have a full composter now!”
Then “Can I borrow your car? I need to go to Goodwill and donate some vases.”
The next day after the roses came a handwritten card. On the front was a Matisse painting, who was one of my favorite painters, and I read the card once before retiring it to my drawer.
Something couldn't quite bring me to throw it away.
The card read:
Beautiful,
I know that Nat being pregnant looks bad, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I never would've have done that if I was in my right mind. You are my world. I refuse to use the past tense in describing my love for you, because I refuse to believe that our love is over. So, I say that you are my world, not you were my world. Are. You can push me away, and you can be angry with me. I understand. But know that, no matter how long it takes, I will be right here waiting for you. Nothing can deter me from believing that you are my wife now and forever. I have known from the moment I met you that I wanted to be with you for eternity. I will never give up. And I will always fight to be with you.
Love,
Ryan
My heart thawed a tiny bit, then I remembered that he impregnated another woman while I was in trouble, and my resolve went up anew.
Still, I didn't throw away the card. I simply hid it in the drawer of the nightstand.
Meanwhile, I had to decide soon what to do with baby Dalilah. Either I was keeping her, assuming it was a her, in which case I better see a doctor quick, or I was going to not keep her. This was the most impossible decision, because I knew that if she belonged to Andrew, and I would know this immediately, then I would always have the reminder of what happened to me on that kitchen floor. And if she belonged to Ryan...I would cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
I sighed.
And made an appointment to visit Planned Parenthood the next day.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I sat in the waiting room of the Planned Parenthood clinic, after taking several different buses from Richard's house. The waiting room was sterile and white, with pamphlets in little plastic holders on the wall about STDs, pregnancy, abortion services, pap smears, mammograms, pelvic exams, and the like. On the table there were People Magazines, along with magazines about parenting and a few other women's magazines. I prayed that “my” People magazine was not in the stack. I couldn't deal with that, on top of everything else I had to deal with today.
There was a woman behind a glass partition, who handed me a clipboard with forms for me to fill out. They were forms about my medical history.
“What services are you needing?” the girl, Prentiss, asked me.
“I'm not sure. I'm pregnant. That's all I know.”
She nodded knowingly. “The doctor will discuss all your options.”
“Thanks.”
I tried to relax by looking at some magazines, and it seemed to be an eternity before my name was finally called.
A young girl with a sandy blonde pony-tail and Winnie the Pooh scrubs took my vitals, and gave me a gown that opened in the back. I sat on the edge of the table, my feet dangling over the edge, and found another magazine and read.
The doctor came in about 45 minutes later. A man. My heart started beating fast and hard.
“Is there something wrong?” Dr. O'Neill asked, seeing that my face was probably white as a sheet.
“Uh, I'm so sorry. I forgot to ask if I could have a woman. No offense, but I-”
“Not a problem at all,” he said kindly. Then he left, and I waited another hour for Dr. Morgan to arrive. She finally did arrive, a 5-foot-tall woman with a greying ponytail and wire-rimmed glasses. I immediately felt comfortable with her.
“Now, Ms. Snowe, what are we doing today?” she asked.
“I'm pregnant,” I said, taking a piece of my hair and twisting it. “And I've had....trauma.”
“Sexual trauma?” she asked.
I nodded.
“This is a very delicate question, but -”
“I don't know if the father was my rapist. I was married at the time, and we had sex about a week before it happened. And my cycle has always been so erratic that I would think it would be hard to get a handle on exactly when I conceived.”
It was her turn to nod.
Putting my hand in my hair, twisting it up into a knot on the top of my head, I said “so, I wanted to know my options. I mean, I know my options, but just wanted to hear what they were.”
“Well, here at the clinic, we can offer you pre-natal care. That would include sonograms, vitamins, and examinations. And we also offer pregnancy termination services, as you probably know.”
“Let's start with the prenatal care.”
“We'll start with a sonogram,” she said, as she wheeled the machine over to the table. I laid back, and she put some gel on an enormous wand, and put the wand inside of me. She pointed to the screen – “There’s the cervix, and there’s your little one,” she said. I looked at the screen and saw a tiny object floating there, and I could hear the heart beating rapidly. “Everything looks good,” she said.
I nodded. “I guess you don't know if it's a boy or a girl,” I said.
“No, it's too soon to tell,” she said.
“Doc?”
“Yes?” she asked.
“What would you do if you were me? If you were raped and pregnant and unsure if the baby's father is the rapist or your husband?”
“Well, we're two different people,” she said. “What is your situation?”
“I'm not with my husband anymore. I also don't have a job.” I neglected to mention that said husband was a gajillionaire.
“It's completely your choice,” she said, stating the obvious. “Don't forget to pick up a card on the way out with our information,” she said. “And call when you decide what to do. In the meantime, I'm going to send you off with a month's supply of pre-natal vitamins, and a list of foods that you should eat, and a list that you shouldn't. Stay away from the sushi,” she said with a smile.
“Uh, one other thing before you leave,” I said.
“Yes?”
“I, uh, had a drug problem when she was conceived. Heroin. I was addicted for a couple of weeks. Is that going to cause problems?”
“It might,” she said. “But, believe it or not, harder drugs are not as likely to cause fetal damage as more common things like alcohol and cigarettes. At any rate, I wouldn’t recommend that you use that as a significant factor on whether or not to terminate. Chances are that your baby will be just fine.”
I nodded my head, relieved.
Then I took my vitamins, gave the receptionist my insurance card, and went out to catch the bus to get to Richard's.
When I got to Richard's, I saw Ryan's Porsche on the street in front of the house.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
There was a large part of me that wanted to walk on past Richard's house when I saw Ryan's car in front. But I knew that I would have to confront it sooner or later.
Might as well get it over with.
I walked in, and Ryan immediately stood up. He was apparently sitting in the living room prior to my arrival, talking to Richard and Mark, and casually drinking a beer. He had a hopeful look in those beautiful eyes. I had to admit that seeing him gave me the usual reaction of heart pounding electricity, and oh, how I wanted him to simply take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be ok.
I loved him so much it hurt.
I wanted to tell him that I would go home with him, that he was the love of my life, that I couldn’t live a single day without him, and that I wanted to be with him forever.
Instead I said “What the hell are you doing here?”
His face immediately fell.
I shot a look at Richard and Mark, and said to Ryan “Would you please excu
se us? I need to talk to Richard and Mark alone.”
He nodded, and went out on the back patio and shut the door.
I looked at the two men “You didn't tell him about-” and pointed to my stomach.
“Of course not,” Richard said. “That's your job, not ours.”
“Good,” I said, pointing at both of them, then pointing two fingers at my eyes and pointing the two fingers back at them in the universal symbol of I'm watching you. “Keep it that way. Now tell him he can come back in.”
At that, Richard opened the patio door, and Ryan stepped back in.
“Well,” Richard said. “Mark and I are going to get something to eat.” And they got their coats on and left.
After they left, I stood there glaring at Ryan with my arms crossed.
Ryan spoke first. “I'm not leaving here until you come with me.”
“What, are you going to force me to come home? Like you forced me to get a bodyguard? That turned out really well, didn't it?”
He looked stung at my words.
“And, by the way, I mean, I know that I didn’t want to press charges against the guy. But I really expected you to have more emotions about the whole issue than you did. That has always bothered me. I figured that you would want to kick his ass, or something.”
He went white as a sheet. “I did want to kick his ass,” he said quietly. “Trust me. I wanted to kill him. After I found what happened to you, I found out where he was hiding. My father tracked him down. And I got my gun and was going to go straight to where he was and gun him down.” His face was contorted, and I knew that he was dead serious about this. “Nick found out what I was about to do and told me that there probably wasn't any way that I could win against a retired government assassin, and that, even if I did, I would be put into prison for the rest of my life.” His hands ran through his beautiful hair, as he spoke. “I said I didn't give a shit about that. All I cared about was ripping his lungs out of his body. But Nick talked me down as usual.”
“How did he talk you down?”
His beautiful eyes looked directly into mine as he said “Nick told me that if anything happened to me, that it would be devastating to you. If I was killed trying to kill Andrew, or if I was put into prison because I killed him, you would be the one who would suffer. And he was absolutely right.”
“Oh, honey. You never told me this.” I suddenly realized that he was suffering, right along with me. He always hid this so well. “I love you.”
Now he looked hopeful. His eyes suddenly lit up, as did his entire face. “Then you're coming home?”
I shook my head. “No. I'm not really angry anymore, which is why I can admit to you how much I still love you. But I can never trust you again. I always thought that you could never cheat on me. But now you have. We haven't been married six months, and you have already impregnated another woman. And not just any woman. Someone who is also madly in love with you.” I looked at his face, which was now back to being crestfallen, his head down, and his hands shaking. “I can't come back. Not when there is a baby on the way with somebody else. I'm sorry.”
And I was sorry. I realized that I, too, was devastated, just as much as him.
“Iris. Please. There must be a way to get through this. Please don't do this. Please,” he said, as a tear ran down his cheek. “You're a part of me. If you leave me, you will rip out my soul.”
“Then your soul must be already ripped out. Because I have already left.”
“No, no, no, no, no. This can't be. There has to be a way.”
I just looked at him. Then I quietly said “I think you better go.”
He just stood there, shaking his head. “I'm not leaving without you.”
“Then I'll leave,” I said, getting my coat and walking out the front door.
He chased after me, grabbing my arm. “No. You can't leave, I won't let you.”
I looked at my arm, which was being gripped by his hand, and simply said “I want a divorce.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
“A divorce? God, Iris. No. You can't do this.”
“Listen to reason, here. You need to make an honest woman of Natalie. You can't just be with me and have a kid across the country. That kid has to know his father. You don't want the kid to grow up in a broken home like you did. Well, not the same thing, of course, but the shit is going to hit the fan when Nate finds out what happened, and Nat will be out on the street. Then what? The kid needs a stable home.” I found myself thinking what a hypocrite I was, because I, too, was carrying a child that had a fifty-fifty chance of being his. And that kid was going to grow up without him. But it was the other fifty percent chance that it wasn't his that made me have resolve about what I was saying.
And in my speech, I never once considered the fact that perhaps Natalie also didn't really know who the father was.
He looked pained. “Uh, Nat was already kicked out of the apartment.”
“There, you see. She needs you.”
“She's living in town now.”
I nodded my head. This was getting worse by the millisecond.
“So, what are you doing here? You need to make your family with her and leave me out of it.”
“I don't love Nat. I love you. And you are the only woman I will ever love.”
“Don't be dramatic. You have everything. Enjoy it. She looks better with you anyhow. And the kid with her will be guaranteed to be gorgeous. Any kid with me would-”
“Would what?”
“Would have a fifty-fifty chance of being gorgeous, that's all.”
He got his familiar pissed look that he always gets whenever I put myself down, but said nothing.
He obviously didn't pick up on the real reason I cut off when I talked about having a kid with me.
And I left it at that.
“Anyhow, please forget about me and be happy with Nat. I can never be yours again, because I can't trust you.”
At that, I ran back inside the door and locked it. He stood outside the door, pounding on it, yelling my name over and over and over, but I shut out the lights, put earplugs in, and went to bed.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ryan continued to pursue me constantly, with daily phone messages and regular roses, all of which I ignored.
I had to form my plan on how I could manage to divorce him without him knowing about Dalilah, then make a new life with just her and me.
I had a chance to think about what I wanted, really wanted, after Ryan was forced out of Richard's house that day. He finally gave up and went home at some point during the night. And I laid there and realized that I could never be with him, because I could never trust him not to hurt me again.
He talked about his soul being ripped out.
So was mine when I found out about Nat.
He talked about a part of him dying.
The same thing happened to me when I found out about Nat.
After everything that had happened to me, I didn't need any more pain in my life.
So, all I wanted was to carry my child, and hope that we could make a little family that would never leave me or hurt me.
With a heavy heart, I prepared divorce papers.
I didn't need a lawyer. I literally didn't want anything from him. Just my maiden name restored. That was all that I wanted, so I figured that it would be easy as pie to get through it. And I had to do it quick, before I really started to show. As it was, I was seeing a little tiny pooch that was getting bigger by the day. If he knows about the baby, there would be no divorce by law. And it would complicate matters after the baby was born. There would be a custody battle, and I would always have him in my life, ripping out my heart every time I saw his beautiful face. Every time I saw him with Natalie and their no-doubt beautiful child, a part of me will die.
I couldn't have that.
I needed a clean slate.
It occurred to me that I would be committing a major fraud when I made the allegation that I was not currently pregnant
, which was an important part of every dissolution of marriage petition. But I would simply go off the grid again. Start a new life somewhere else, somewhere he can never find me. I always wanted to live in San Francisco.
But I wouldn't have money.
At that, I made an online application for a Visa. I figured that, at that moment, I had a million dollars in my account, so getting approved would be a snap, bad credit or no.
In a matter of minutes, my hunch was correct. I had a $20,000 limit.
Enough to get me started someplace new, to tide me over until I found a job.
My divorce petition prepared, I took a bus downtown to file it with the fee. Ryan would be served at home. I couldn't do that to him at his work.
Chapter Forty
Ryan was served at his home, and he started blowing up the phone again. I refused to take his calls, but I did call his lawyer to schedule a meeting where we would hammer everything out. That way we could simply walk the divorce through on the uncontested docket, and get the judge to sign off on it.
This meeting happened about a month after I filed the papers. Ryan had finally given up in defeat, and we agreed to meet at his lawyer's office. Sheldon would be handling his divorce, as he apparently handles all of Ryan's legal matters.
Of course, Sheldon's office was in a high rise downtown. We met in the enormous conference room with floor to ceiling windows, and legal books lining the shelves. I smiled at looking at the legal books. They were all for show, of course - no lawyer ever looks at a book. There's no need to, when absolutely everything is on-line. Still, it looked nice.
Ryan walked into the room, and I almost didn't recognize him. He had lost a considerable amount of weight, he was pale, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair had become unruly. It had a tendency to become unruly anyway, as it was super thick and wavy, but he always kept it trim and tamed. Now it was just growing out and looked a bit wild. He also had a full beard and moustache, which actually suited him. He was dressed down in shorts and a rumpled button down. I didn't think that it was possible that he could look so disheveled.
