by Annie Jocoby
“This is Dalilah,” I said, looking at Ryan. He now had his full attention turned on her, and I saw his eyes go from angry and befuddled, to love and adoration. “Dalilah is my daughter.”
Ryan looked at me quizzically. “You’re daughter?”
I looked back at him. “Our daughter. I wasn’t sure until she was born, but, as you can see, she’s definitely yours.”
Nat now had a look on her face that clearly said “Oh, crap.”
Ryan motioned to her. “Can I hold her?”
“Of course,” I said. I watched him as he picked her up gently, then looked at her with wonder. It was like he was a cartoon figure who started out with a white face, then gradually took on more and more color. His cheeks were becoming more flushed, and his eyes were becoming brighter.
He was coming back to life before my eyes.
He just held her without saying a word. He put his finger on her nose, and gently rubbed her bald head. He brought her close to his face, and I saw him inhale a little bit, then close his eyes. For her part, she reached for him and put her hand on his nose as she gurgled and cooed.
Meanwhile, Nat was standing aside, glaring at me with an expression that clearly said you bitch.
“That’s enough of that,” Nat snapped. “Iris just said that she’s not sure that this kid is yours. So, you better not get too attached.”
Ryan just laughed. “Look at her, Nat. She looks just like Mia. No, Nat, I’ve no doubt who she belongs to. Now Christopher is another story.”
“Well, even so,” Nat said, “I’m quite sure that Iris isn’t welcome here in this house anymore. Aren’t you even going to ask her what the hell happened to her? Aren’t you even going to confront her on where she has been, and why she hid that child from you?”
Then Ryan looked at me. And the hurt in his eyes was renewed. “Good point, Nat. Iris, what did happen to you?”
Oh, where to begin?
Chapter Forty-Nine
“Where do I begin?” I said to Ryan.
“You can start by telling me how you have a baby here, when you clearly said when you divorced me that you were not pregnant.”
“I was pregnant, of course, at the time.”
“Did you know it at the time?”
“Yes,” I said, quietly.
“So, you committed fraud.”
“Yes,” I said, glancing at Nat. She was looking happier and happier by the second.
“Why?”
“I wasn’t in my right mind. That’s all I could figure. I was afraid that the baby wasn’t yours.”
It was then that Nat got into the act. “What? You mean, you were cheating on Ryan? Ryan, are you just going to sit there and take that?”
Ryan shot Nat a look that said drop it. Then he turned to me. “I understand.”
“Ryan, what do you mean you understand?” Natalie whined. “You dropped Alexis like a bad habit for cheating, why-“
“Nat, if you don’t be quiet, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Then he turned to me. “Go on.”
“I thought that the baby wasn’t yours, and I was scared. And betrayed. So betrayed. You ripped out my soul, Ryan, you and Nat. Absolutely ripped it out. I mean, I was attacked by Rochelle, then raped, then was on drugs, then found out about Nat in such a short period of time. I plead temporary insanity.”
I looked at Nat, who now had a look of understanding on her face. “Raped? Oh, Iris, I’m so sorry.” She was, once again, sweet Nat.
“Yes, Nat, I was raped.”
“By the bodyguard that I forced her to have,” Ryan said quietly to Nat.
She just looked at me with a bit of shocked look on her face, then looked at Ryan. “Why did you force her to get a bodyguard?”
“Because I thought that Rochelle was going to be coming after her. I was going to be gone in Tokyo, and I wanted to be sure that she was safe.”
“Ironic, huh?” I said to Nat.
Ryan turned to me. “Go on with your story beaut, uh, Iris,” he said.
“What is there to tell? I didn’t tell you about the baby, then ended up living in San Francisco with a lesbian I met while working at Whole Foods. That wasn’t a long-term plan, I know, but it was all I could come up with at the moment.”
Nat was incredulous. “You’re a lawyer. Why would you be working at Whole Foods?”
“I wanted something low pressure and kinda fun. Law work is the diametrical opposite of those two qualities. Anyhow, I had trouble making ends meet, but I managed.”
“I know that you haven’t touched the money I gave you,” Ryan said.
“True.”
“So, what brought you back?” Ryan asked.
I hesitated for a moment, then said “Nick. He ran into me at Starbucks. I was in there before work. It’s in our neighborhood, so I was taking Dalilah here out for a walk, and stopped in there to get a cup of coffee. Then he comes through the door, as big as you please. He informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to come home,” I said, seeing Ryan’s face become pale once more. He no doubt surmised that I was only here because I was forced, not because I wanted to come home. At least, that was what his face was telling me. “So, I felt bad about leaving Lena high and dry. I gave her $10,000 to tide her over until she could find another place and good day care.”
Nat’s face was showing relief and happiness at my words. She no doubt recognized the subtext of what I was saying – I was only home because Nick forced me, and I had no intention of returning to a marriage with Ryan.
“Ok, so, Iris, you’re here to let Ryan know about Dalilah, and fix your divorce, right? I mean, Ryan is entitled to joint custody, of course, and I don’t mind helping him raise little Dalilah. She’s the same age as little Christopher. You know what they say, it’s just as easy to raise two as one,” Natalie said in a rambling fashion.
Ryan was staring at me with those penetrating eyes. The depths in them were scary. I could read them so very well. They were saying that he wanted me back, and that he hoped that I didn’t just come home because Nick forced me to make good on what I had done with our child.
I started to waver. Then I took a deep breath and said “No, Nat, actually I wanted to come home to see if there was any way possible for Ryan and I to find our way back to one another.” Then I looked at Ryan, whose color was, once again, flooding back to his face. Addressing him, I said “I hope that there isn’t too much damage here. You’re the love of my life.”
At that he smiled, big. Nat gave me the look of death. “Iris, you can’t do this. You can’t just come in here after all this time and just snap your fingers and expect everything to be ok. You fucked him over, or did you forget that? Ryan is with me now, we have a child together, and you can’t do this. And what were you going to do if Nick didn’t drag you back here? You still would be out there, living your life, hiding Ryan’s child from him…”
Natalie was droning on and on, but I tuned her out. Ryan did, too, apparently. Neither of us bothered to even engage her in conversation at all. We both just stared at each other.
Then he took my hands, and kissed them tenderly. He kissed my forehead, and put his hand in my hair, inhaling deeply. I put my head on his chest, hearing his heart pounding. Dalilah, for her part, laid in her crib, gurgling and cooing.
Ryan looked at Nat. “I’m sorry, Nat. We both know that Christopher isn’t mine. I haven’t had the energy to do anything about it until now. But I’m calling Sheldon the first thing tomorrow morning, and I’m going to get a court order for a DNA test. Then you need to return to your husband.”
“No,” Nat said. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I know that this baby looks like Nate, but he also looks like me. And you, for that matter. The dark curly hair is all you. Blue eyes run in your family – look at Sarah and your father, and I have blue eyes as well. This baby is yours, I’m telling you.”
“Ok, if he’s mine, we’ll deal with it. I won’t leave him high and dry. I’m more responsible than that. Eithe
r way, though, I want you to patch things up with Nate. He loves you. I don’t.”
“I can’t just go to Nate and ask him to raise your child. Your child belongs with you.”
“I admit, it will put a crimp in my relationship with him, even more than it has already been damaged. But, we’ll all get past this, I promise you.” Then, he looked at me. “Iris, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you want to come home. I’m not going to say that it’s going to be easy for us – both of us have done something major to the other that is going to make it hard to trust. We’re going to have to do some work on this relationship so that you can forgive me for Nat, and I can forgive you for hiding Dalilah from me. And don’t think that I have forgotten that Nick had to force you to come back.” He shook his head. “Nat does have a point, come to think of it. What would you have done if Nick hadn’t been there at that coffee shop to force you to come back?”
“I admit, I wasn’t ready,” I said. “Not because I didn’t want to come home. I did. I missed you terribly, every single minute of every single day. I used to pray to God to take care of you. I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I somehow thought that you could be happy with Nat and your child with her. Nick let me know that wasn’t the case.”
“So, if Nick didn’t run into you…” Ryan said.
“I’m not sure, to be honest with you. I didn’t want to face you and Nat together, and I knew that seeing you with her and your child would absolutely rip out my soul. And there was a part of me that thought that if you could find happiness with Nat and the baby than that would be enough for me. I would never be happy without you, but I could find some peace if I knew that you were happy.”
“I’m not happy, Iris. I could never be happy without you, either. I hope that you’re serious about coming home.”
“I’m not going to jerk you around again, Ryan. I don’t think that I could live without having you in my life in some sort of way.”
Nat was standing there, watching this unfold, a pissed-off expression on her beautiful face. Christopher started screaming, but she just ignored him. It was like she was in some kind of trance.
“Nat, aren’t you gonna attend to your child?” Ryan asked.
“Our child. Christopher is our child. Yes, I will attend to our child.”
Turning to me, Ryan said “we can find our way back to each other. It’s going to take a lot of work, but we can do it. Do you mind going to see Dr. Halder?”
I shuddered just a little. I was still uncomfortable with men in some ways - mainly because I didn’t want to share my intimate secrets with them. With the exception of Ryan, of course. But I would do this for him.
So, he made an appointment with Dr. Halder for the next day.
Chapter Fifty
I stayed the night with Ryan and Nat, in our bed in our bedroom. The bed was still the only real furniture in the house, save for the furniture in Christopher and Nat’s room. Dalilah slept peacefully between us. I still had to get up during the night to feed her, and I did so while sitting on the floor. It wasn’t comfortable, and I had to rock my body back and forth, because the rocking motion was the only thing that could get her to sleep.
“I’m so sorry, Iris,” Ryan said. “I guess I couldn’t bring myself to decorate this home without you.”
That touched me more than anything else, in a weird way.
Ryan continued, “if you are home for good, then I’ll get the decorators here right away. I still want to realize our visions for the house.”
“I am home for good, if you will have me.”
Then, the next day, we went to see Dr. Halder, and Ryan called the decorators to come and start bringing the ordered furniture into the house. I dropped Dalilah off at my mother’s house, although I felt guilty about this. My mother was in her late 70s, and caring for an infant was something that I knew that she never thought she would have to do again. But I gave her some bottles of breast milk, and Dalilah’s toys and blankets, and thanked god that she was a good child.
We got to Dr. Halder’s office, and he greeted us warmly. “Iris. It’s good to see you again. Ryan, you’re looking well. Now, what can I do for you?”
I started. “I need to find a way to trust Ryan again after he had sex with another woman. Ryan needs to find a way to trust me again after I went to San Francisco and hid his child from him.”
“Infidelity is a very serious issue,” was all he said. Then he looked at Ryan. “What do you say to your wife about that?”
“Well, you know, Dr. Halder, I’ve talked to you about all that at great length. I can’t seem to get Iris to believe me about the way that it happened.”
To this, I said “It’s just so far-fetched. So daytime soap opera-ish. Nat is a beautiful woman, so it’s just hard for me to believe that Ryan had to be in an altered state to be with her.”
Dr. Halder said in response “that’s the major problem here. Your lack of trust and belief in what your husband is telling you. You have to believe in your husband when he is telling you that he never would’ve been unfaithful if he wasn’t in an altered state. Otherwise, it will be very difficult for you to trust him, and that would be toxic for your relationship.”
Ryan was just looking at me, with a pleading look in his eyes.
And I suddenly knew that what he was saying was the truth.
Why didn’t I see that before? How could I have been so blind? And so stupid? To think that I was thisclose to screwing up the best thing that ever could’ve happened to me because I refused to believe Ryan’s story…And, all at once, I wanted him in a way that I never wanted him before. He put his hand on mine, and I felt the old electric tingle make its way from my hand all the way up to my shoulder and down the other arm.
I looked him in the eye and said “I believe you.”
His facial expression changed completely. He lit up at my words, his eyes getting bright and his smile taking on the mega-watt quality that I hadn’t seen in so long. He squeezed my hand, and put his hand in my hair and stroked it.
Then I told Dr. Halder “it’s a great thing that I now believe Ryan, but I did something hideous. I don’t know how he can trust me again.”
“What was this hideous act?”
“I covered up the fact that I was pregnant with his child when I divorced him. Then I immediately fled halfway across the country, to San Francisco. I only came back because his best friend made me.”
“Ryan, what are your feelings about this?”
“I’m angry,” he said. “And hurt. Betrayed. But, at the same time, I know that my wife has been through some of the worst traumas imaginable in the span of less than a year. I’m inclined to give her a break for that reason alone.”
“Iris, tell me about why you would’ve done this to Ryan?”
“I was out of my mind, I guess. Kinda like when I went into the drug house. I’m sure Ryan told you about that?”
Dr. Halder nodded.
“I had a hard time coping. Things got so much better out in Beverly Hills. But Nat drove me out of my mind. And my hormones were raging, which didn’t help things, I guess.”
“The problem is, Iris, that you didn’t come home on your own,” Ryan said. “I can almost understand why you did what you did. Your thought processes have always been just a little bit left of center, which is one of the reasons why I love you so much. But why couldn’t you come home on your own?” Ryan asked.
I shook my head. “I really don’t know the answer to that question. I guess that I felt that I needed to keep running, because if I stopped, and confronted the true situation with you, Nat and your child – I felt that I would fall apart. Avoidance was always my greatest friend.”
Dr. Halder said “Iris, you’re saying that avoidance is your coping mechanism?”
“Sure,” I said. “Isn’t it that way for everybody?”
“That is human nature,” Dr. Halder said. “But you seemed to have taken it to the extreme.”
“What can I
say, I raise avoidance to an art form.”
“So, how can you confront the situation with Ryan and Natalie?” Dr. Halder asked.
Ryan said “she doesn’t have to confront it. I’m getting a court order for a DNA test, and I have a feeling that the baby isn’t mine. Even if he is, I’m not going to let Natalie live in the house anymore. That house is mine and Iris’ house. Getting Natalie out isn’t going to be easy, but it’s something that has to be done.”
The session went on for the rest of the hour, but we both were feeling that it wasn’t all that necessary, after all. We understood one another. We always had almost a psychic bond with each other, and this bond was something that evidently went haywire when I refused to believe Ryan’s story.
When we got to the car, which was parked in the parking lot, I made my move. I straddled him, pushing him down and releasing the seat latch all at once. Neither of us spoke. I just ran my fingers through his hair, and we were kissing passionately. Just like old times. I ran my hand to the buttons of his shirt, feeling his chest. He had lost quite a bit of weight, but he was still firm in his pecs and abs. He kissed me back, running his hands through my hair, but not trying to put his hands anywhere else. So, I put his hand on my breast, as I lifted up my shirt. It was an uncomfortable position, as we were, unfortunately, in the Porsche, not the Escalade, but I wasn’t thinking about that. I wasn’t thinking about the steering wheel which was pinning my back, or the gear shifter which was squishing my leg. All I could think of was my beautiful, beautiful husband, and how much I wanted him badly.
So badly.
I unbuttoned his pants, and lifted up my skirt, pulling down my panties. He looked at me nervously and said “Are you sure about this, beautiful?”
I smiled at him using my nickname again. I secretly cringed every time he called Iris. I sighed and said “Yes. Yes. Yes,” as I took his manhood and put it inside of me. I had a little bit of trouble, not for lack of lubrication, but because it had been so long since we made love. I released the seat fully, so that Ryan was completely lying down, as I rode him, coming to orgasm after orgasm. He tentatively put his hands on my breasts as he kissed me passionately, his lips running from my lips to my cheeks to my neck to my clavicle, and back again. There were people walking by, and I heard laughter, but I didn’t care. There was only me and Ryan in the world, nobody else. He consumed me like nobody else ever had before. I knew that nobody would ever consume me like that again. I didn’t want it to ever stop, so I just kept riding him, even after I felt his hot cum squirt inside me.
